A
female
age
26-29,
*Tzimisce.
writes:Afew months ago, one of my ex-colleagues who is muslim asked me on facebook if he wanted to be friends with benefits, which I declined because we were work colleagues - its very awkward! He ended up leaving the company and I am reconsidering this offer. My parents have always been very strict with me since I was younger and felt like I haven't had a good chance to actually live my life like a normal 24 year old would! They have instilled in me that I should be in a relationship to have sex, I should work full time and have a house, a family in my 20s... I feel so suffocated! I just want to live an exciting life for once! I don't trust one-night stands at all, or casual hook-ups because I don't know them. But I am also weary about his muslim culture and their views of women... particular white women. I have heard they look down on women and just see them as house maids...At the end of the day he just wants someone to keep him company, go do stuff with like couples would but without the strings attached. I would also want that because I am in no way emotionally ready for a real relationship right now!Im scared of making a wrong decision but also worried I wont live my life; I just want to do normal things that I missed out on in my teenage years and 20s! Ive never had sex before and virginity doesnt have much significance to me... Ive used toys and all and my parents warned me about picking your first because you will become deeply attached to them after sex, which is of course a normal thing that is natural to us for reproduction and survival..Im so toren! I want a fwbs with someone I have known for awhile but worried about all these circumstances?I always come here if I need the best advice, everyone here has SO many good answers!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2021): Been there, done that. And I would highly advise against it. It really does destroy your self esteem and self worth in the end. It might feel good in the moment to feel desired and wanted, but it is all so shallow and superficial. This guy is only using your body and making you feel special because he wants to get off. He wants sex. And the more into it you are, the better it is for him. So he will pull out all the stops. Even maybe go as far as tell you the bullshit I love you's and that he wants to be in a relationship with you. And that he has never felt this way before or you are the greatest sex partner ever. Do not fall prey to all this. They are empty words and empty promises.
After he uses you, you will have feelings for him while he moves onto his next FWB. I would not even start, to save you from that heartache. Men are not built the way women are. They can fuck whoever and have no feelings. In general, we get more attached. And that can suck royally when we involve ourselves with the wrong man.
I advise you to be more choosy. You deserve a good man who will love and respect you. Any man who agrees to a FWB has no respect for you. He thinks you are not good enough for a relationship when in fact the opposite is true. He is the one who is not good enough. So, now that you know this, why are you even considering this type of a time waster?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2021): No. FWB is just an easy way for a guy to get cheap sex. Spend your panty pleasure points sparingly and wisely. Find someone who you are interested in and vice versa. Getting sex isn't hard for women; have it with someone you love and who loves you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2021): What you're really asking is if you should you use sex as an enticement and inducement, to get someone you know won't fully commit, or won't expect too much from you?
You're young and inexperienced. That's not a way to start-out in life; and it's how young-women your age get messed-up straight from the starting-gate. Sex is nothing to be casual, or reckless with. All it takes is one wrong guy! Then you're ruined for life!
You can't categorize or stereotype; then go file all Muslims, or Christians, under your limited databank of worldly-knowledge. While still wet behind the ears, and having tons to learn about life, religion, race, and men.
You have no right to generalize on any race or religions you know hardly anything about; because that's what ignorant racists, misogynists, hypocritical politicians, and lame-brained haters do.
All you've listed as your reasons for caution are superficial. What about the fact you deserve more? How about your own self-respect? How about proper maintenance of your home-grown self-esteem?
Why do you resent your parents for protecting you, and doing what parents are forced to do to avoid social ostracism, public shame, and criticism if they didn't?
Our parents have a legacy, a family-name, and our family-honor to protect. It's passed down to us, as part of our family-heritage. Most of all, they love you more than life itself! Your behavior reflects on how you were raised and educated.
Trust me girlfriend, you really DON"T want to do what most people will do your age these days! It would put you in a straight-jacket, or in an early grave! There are no holds barred, and no boundaries!!! Anything goes, and if it feels good...do it!
You are a female. Whether you like it or not; there are double-standards thrust upon both sexes. Society is as tough on males as they are on females! We get a few perks, but manhood is tougher than it looks! Some ladies aren't strong enough to bear-up under the social stigmas and scrutiny placed on women. If you're gonna go all out, you better have the thick-skin it takes! You'll be looking back in your 30's, full of shame and regret! You do read DC don't you? Is this your first-time on this site? Stick-around!
Why do some women think being promiscuous or irresponsibly-casual about sex makes them more equal to men? Don't be judged-by or compare yourself to the wrong standards. Many men are man-whores, or dogs; who place no value on love, trust, or being faithful to the person they claim to love...and those who loves them. They give men of solid-character a larger crop of damaged and abused-females to have to navigate through to find a healthy match. Promiscuity is not an expression of freedom and maturity, and it doesn't prove. Some wild oats are better left unsown! It's just degrading sex down to something less than an expression of love and affection. Friends with benefits isn't the best idea when you've never really had a real or lasting relationship.
It is great pleasure, but it should be meaningful as well.
If you want to keep your head on straight, while maintaining a healthy attitude towards love, trust, and sex; then no, you don't need to be anybody's sex-toy on the shelf. More or less a booty-call.
Friends with benefits reap very few benefits when it comes down to it. The anecdotal-evidence and argument given in defense of the concept; are the same lame excuses given by people who shun monogamy, and become commitment-phobic. They make bad-choices, and become embittered by the negative outcome. All for the sake of a good-time! They wouldn't know true-love, if it slapped them in the face! They base life on entitlement, pleasure, and immediate-gratification. There are dire consequences to such impetuous behavior. Everything is on the surface, nothing really beneficial beneath it, and it doesn't last!
Maintain your dignity, and self-respect; and appreciate what your parents have tried to instill in you as a woman. Strict-parents are always resented for trying to keep their kids in-line. Yes, they can be overbearing and overprotective. We're not talking the extremes, I'm talking about those good parents who love us. Compare theirs to the results of the over-permissive buddy-type parents. Life without self-control, restraint, and discipline is okay; if you live in a jungle, desert, or on a prairie. You won't know what your parents are going through; until you've got a headstrong rebellious-kid on your own hands!
Learn to deal with real fulfilling-relationships; and enjoy the benefits they provide, before you go monkeying-around with stuff that can mess you up physically, emotionally, morally, and psychologically! I bet your parents would agree!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (23 June 2021):
 I think having an FWB with ANYONE (regardless of religious or ethnic background) as your FIRST partner is a BAD idea. People (not all but most, especially women) do get attached emotionally to people they have sex with. It's pretty common.
And there is the aspect of having sex (which you have no experience with - sex toys do not count) with someone who really doesn't care for you as a person. They just want to USE you (as a sex toy by the by) to stick their penis in and get off. Is that really how you see yourself? As some guy's blow-up doll?
Not having sex as a teenager is not equivalent to "missing out on life" what you have missed out on... is a potential pregnancy scare, pregnancy, emotional drama, and/or an std.
TAKE your time finding someone you can SHARE sex with. Someone you care about and someone who CARES about you. Get to know them first.
Save the FWB until you have AT LEAST dated someone, been in LOVE.
As for him being Muslim. Well, he can't really date you. As a Muslim. They aren't supposed to date. Neither men nor women. He is asking YOU because YOU are not Muslim. If you were, your family could get him in hot water. It's not because he cares for you or values you. You know that.
Sex isn't something to do because you are bored or just want to try it. It's not just some "fun" activity to do with random people. It's something you share, it's INTIMATE, and you are both at your most vulnerable.
If you are not "emotionally ready for a real relationship " then wait until you are. You won't regret it. You will regret treating sex like it's nothing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2021): I don't want to sound like your parents but your first shouldn't be a FWB, Mr First is overdue. Every culture has its pricks. Him asking to be a FWB is raises a flag.. What guys asks "can I fuck you once and awhile." My only FWB was a guy in my complex, we flirted at the mailboxes, he dazzled me with his cooking skills, danced, BJ soon we were doing it all. But I was a ringer already. We both sorta had others.
Go to a trendy bar with a girlfriend. How I met my husband.
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