A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a friend who I thought was one of my closest friends - we went through several years of college together and grew very close, but she hasn't been in touch for over five months now and I am not sure what to do.I invited her to come and stay in my new place just after Xmas - she knows I bought a new flat in a really lovely area that's very popular for people to travel to, and she has been keen to explore that area in the past. Last summer when I bought it, she asked if she could come and stay for a couple of days but it wasn't ready to move into. When I invited her before Xmas, I didn't hear back from her at all. Prior to that, every Xmas, we had usually met up to have a Xmas meal together and exchange gifts. I would usually look forward to this as it is one of few times when she is able to make a bit more time to see me - she genuinely is overwhelmed with work and I understand this; we both become lecturers after leaving college and both of us feel exploited by how much work we are given and the way we get treated by our employers. Usually, if we meet, we spend about 3 hours together at the most - seeing an exhibition or going for a lovely walk somewhere interesting. She's not my closest friend but I did consider her one of my closest one's, if you know what I mean.I guess normally I would just call and say "are you okay'? but I feel annoyed and I know I am probably being unreasonable, but I am also trying not to just override my feelings. In other words, I know I'm probably in the wrong, but at the same time, I'm not usual unfair about things like this. I wonder if I am still hurt by somethings that happened a couple of years ago: a) A mutual friend that I introduced (I was friends with both of them and introduced them to one another) dumped me as a friend in a really hurtful way, I was really devastated. Out of respect though, I did not badmouth her to my remaining friend (the one I now have doubts about) - I basically said nothing, until she somehow mentioned that she had thought we broke friends by 'mutual agreement' - then I told her what happened but she still remained friends with this other woman. That would all be okay but b) I had a really serious operation and couldn't walk afterwards and my friend knew about this but made no plans at all to visit me. I eventually had to ask her to come and visit and, when she did, she mentioned that she had been to visit the other friend, the one who had dumped me (and had now moved quite far away). I was really shocked that she could be so tactless as to start telling me details about this visit to the other friend, when I was recovering from an operation and very vulnerable and when this other person had really hurt me so much. I tried to explain this to her in an email afterwards and I had to be very careful how I worded it - my friend can have a really bad temper, though she has never directed it at me, I know it came close. She later said she felt really bad for how she had treated me but the main reason was she was so terribly busy with work. And I believe her - I honestly know how bad our workloads can be.She has said other things, from time to time, that I have found difficult but just let go, because she is 12 years younger than me - for example, I really, really struggled earlier in my life when my husband abandoned my daughter and me and I had to cope alone with work, raising my child and trying to study with no help at all. My friend was desperate for a child at the time and she said things like "You are so lucky, you had the time, you had the opportunity". This actually made me cry in front of her, because I had so little time to actually spend with my daughter when she was growing up. I sometimes feel like she just doesn't really care that much about me and that I care far more about her. I've really been there for her in the past and she has acknowledged this. Ever since my operation I think she has actually tried not to lean on me for advice etc., because I think she felt bad that she can't give the same in return. I don't know what to do - I think as I write this I realise I feel like I am the one who has smoothed out the few bumps we have had and I am a bit reluctant to do it again. Or maybe I am just being silly and should let it go and call her. I did send her a text on New Years day wishing her a happy new year and she replied with a very brief but lovely text. But nothing since, including on my birthday - we don't always celebrate them at the time they happen but we often still give each other belated gifts for this or send a message to 'catch up'.She did start a new job in September, which was less travel time but more hours than in her previous role. At the same time, I am going through a very difficult situation at work and even a little support or just a chat would have been nice.What do people think - am I being petty?I have had doubts before and wrote on here before about it. We have known each other for about 12 years now. She is 12 years younger than me, so I try to bear that in mind when she seems a bit
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2020): Thanks for the followup! Aren't you glad you didn't go petty and give her the devil? She's been through enough.
Perhaps now she appreciates you more than before, now that she was able to confess the reasoning behind her distance.
God bless you both!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwlE thank you so much for your advice. I did call my friend today and she was so busy that she had to ask to call me back - which she did.She has basically been having a horrendous time in her new job, stressed to the point of not being able to even speak or move and has gained a huge amount of weight which has made her embarrassed to see anyone. She has had complaints made about her in her new role and other tutors trying to undermine her and has said it just got so bad that she didn't feel she could reach out to anyone at all.We talked for about an hour on the phone and, during our conversation, we ended up talking about methods of stress relief and she mentioned running - which I do to relieve stress - and I could tell she felt that this would really help her. We are going to try to meet up soon, when her workload is a bit better.I still feel that she is a bit inclined to be "selfish" but only in the way that we all tend to be when we are younger - in other words, not really selfish at all, just what comes with that kind of age group. BUT, I also feel that she is still my lovely friend and we will catch up soon.But I wanted to give you this feedback as I know that so often when people write in for advice, we give it and never hear from them again - and I myself am always curious to know what happened with that person, so I thought I'd let you know, and thank you - it has put a lot of worry and doubt to rest in my mind.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2020): Give her benefit of the doubt, don't jump to conclusions, and resolve all this with a call. It will settle whatever inner-conflicts you're mulling over that may not be quite as dramatic as you are making them out to be. That is yet to be determined.
Don't put her on the spot with a tone of guile or disappointment. Use the element of surprise to your advantage. Be prepared! You may get a phony-response, that will give you a false-perception of where things really are. People sometimes offer a cowardly and phony-reception; as though they are over-joyed to hear from you. We've all done it, it's to avoid hurting feelings, save face, and out of pure guilt. Like forgetting to call your mother! She sees right through it!
Here's some cautionary advice. I believe her allegiance has shifted to the other friend, and she's avoiding any hypocrisy. The age-disparity also has a bit to do with it. In the techno-age, people have become relatively ageist; and seldom venture outside their age-groups. Cut her a bit of slack also, on the fact you've indicated that you place more value on having her as a friend; than she reciprocates. You don't fault people for not living-up to your expectations; when you're the one pushing it a bit. If you don't get much of an enthusiastic-response when you make phone-contact, or you receive an abundance of excuses...you should tone it down, and back-off. You're getting a nonverbal-cue to do so. You're just not getting it. Take a hint!
As for getting no visit while you were ill; until you called. You missed that hint too. You "guilt-tripped" her into a visit. Evidently, your relationship with this person has now cooled-down to tepid; so dial-back your perception of a "close-friendship." Set-it on "friendly and familiar-acquaintance." Then your connection to her will be on a better or more accurate scale of appropriateness. It is what it is!
Some friendships we have become overrated. We might become a little self-assertive; and try to make the connection better, or more devoted, than it actually is. Your regard for another person has to be voluntarily and sincerely reflected in their actions and responses towards you. You can't force it. Self-delusion is homemade! Friendships, and relationships in-general, can either increase or decrease in their cohesiveness; as any human-connection can. Even between relatives, or spouses! Once upon a time, you were "ride-or-die;" but time passes...and it fizzles! Such are the realities of life!
Pushing doesn't always force reciprocation; and if you have to force it, it really isn't there. You have to re-access the relationship according to what you're receiving in fulfillment; and what you get in return for what you're giving. You see the subtle, but visible-changes; yet you're trying to ignore them. It's hard to come right-out and tell some people to "chill," as we say.
You may call, but first give yourself time to extinguish any petty-feelings. If you've overestimated the closeness of her relationship to you, and didn't get the reason for a five-month gap in-contact. Take-note of the fact, that " things just aren't as close as they used to be!" You're mature enough to understand and accept that to be the case.
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