A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I met this girl and we hit it off and became very close, anyway she confided in me that she had been sexually abused when she was young by her father, things were going reall good but then we broke, some of the relationship problems stem form the sexual abuse she suffered as a child, I was stressed at this time and I needed somone to talk to so I spoke to my Mum about my problems including the sexual abuse, i feel a bit guilty now because me and my girlfreind are getting back together, dont know whether i should tell her or not that I have spoken to someone....my family live far away from me and have never met my girlfreind (yet) but I hope one day they will, of course I trust family totally with this, it will never get back to her that I told them, I just really dont want any more heartache at the moment and just want things to go back to how they were when me and my girlfreind were having fun, do you think it is ok for me to just not tell her? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, virgin18  +, writes (5 March 2010):
 I love honesty in a relationship but in this case I do believe that you telling her would make more harm than good. She trusted you with something so important and hurtful and if she finds out you told someone else, even if it was your mom, she WILL FEEL BETRAYED and things will not be the same if she decides to stay with you. Talk to your mom and make sure she does not tell anyone or mentions something to your gf on an unexpected moment, THAT WOULD BE THE WORST!
As long as this is the only lie you keep from her, I think you should be fine, but then again, if you feel to guilty it is your choice of whether you want to live with telling her or not....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): I was raped a few years ago and told my boyfriend, and asked him not to tell anyone. He ended up telling his dad, (my parents didn't even know) and when he let it spill to me during an arguement it pretty much destroyed all the trust i had in him. I understand he had to talk to someone, but he could've been honest with me and not left it a year and told me so insensitively. If you are going to tell her, tread very carefully. But if you aren't, is your mum really going to let on she knows? Breathe easy! :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): If you really feel your mom won't let it leak out that you told her, then don't tell your gf, because your mom probably won't ever say a thing about it. If you say you're really close, you and your gf, you can try to hint the idea of councelling for her, as that might strongly help, and that you would go with her every chance you can, if she wishes. If you feel as strongly as you do about her, don't let something like that break you two up, again. Be by her side, as she's already had enough chaos and confusion in her life, and you can help her by simply being gentle with her and being someone she can lean on. If she's abusive toward you, never react in a negative way, as it will only reflect on you, and will impact your ability to help her in the end, which is what really needs to happen. Either way, please don't take the councelling idea lightly, because it really might help her to see things in a different light when it comes to how she treats you or herself in your relationship. Try not to be mean at all, with her, because it will only add more confusion to the mix. The best way to help someone who's been treated cruelly in the past is to treat them with respect and love, and lots of patience. Try to help them, not turn your back on them.
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A
female
reader, Lucky786 +, writes (4 March 2010):
 I wouldn't tell her, it could backfire on you...badly! When you next speak to your mum (hopefully to tell her that you and your girl are back together) just mention to her that your girl doesn't know you confided in her and it's best left that way. Mums are great at keeping pur secrets which is why we love 'em.Anyway I wish you both all the best.
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A
male
reader, $izZle  +, writes (4 March 2010):
 hello,
i do agree, and to add i wish you both have a lovely future filled with joy and happiness because its the experience that you share in a relationship that counts and keeps you together so don't let things get in the way of a beautiful relationship ... at this moment i believe that she needs a man that can love here and gain her trust, most of all i think that she needs to feel comfortable with herself at the moment and the way i look at it you are the only one that can give her that because she needs you and that's why she is with you. Don't worry m8 just give her all the love you can give, be the best you and take care of her and things will fall in place ... good luck :)
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (4 March 2010):
 I think, in this instance, it'd do more harm that good to tell her. I don't say that often, because truth is what it is. You needed someone to confide in during your hard times, and it is true that sexual abuse can present behaviors making it hard to have relationships. Even so, if you told her about your confiding, these same behaviors may see them as a direct attack against her, as if you're intent is to cause her harm. We know that is probably not the case, but when someone who has been abused is looking through the eyes of trauma, their vision is differently perceived than your factual reasoning for confiding.
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A
male
reader, Kenj +, writes (4 March 2010):
 Past abuse can hold back relationships until trust is gained, she obviously trusts you enough to tell you in the first place.
You could explain you needed someone to talk to so you confided in your mum, its not as if you went blurting it down the pub to your mates.
I think she will understand, its not worth telling lies and keeping secrets you will only get found out.
Being honest and trusting is a foundation for any meaningful relationship to work.
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