A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am currently in a non-exclusive relationship. I feel that I am not able to continue this way because I am falling for him and fear being hurt when he is with another girl. I told him this and he said that if I gave the word he would stop seeing other people.Is this normal? Should I have to be the one to say "Yes I want you stop seeing other people?" Shouldn't he ultimately be the one to make the decision?I feel I have made it clear that I am into him and ready to take the relationship to the next level and become exclusive. I'm not sure what to do now. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionupdate on my stuff:So my situation becomes more complicated when I include some further perhaps crucial details. We are both foreigners working in Taiwan. I recently took a lucrative 2 month job in a different city, 2 hours from my guy. So we communicate via phone and internet. We meet up once a week or so. I plan to leave this country and go home in March. He's going home in the summer. Home for us us the same city.Is it realistic for us to become exclusive even though we know that we'll be apart soon? Who knows what will happen when we are both back at home. I've told him I am ready to make a bigger us, and that I am falling hard for him. But things become more complicated knowing we'll be apart in a month or so. Are we getting too far ahead of ourselves? Normally I try to live in the hear and now, and don't necessarily think that far in the future. But I feel that If I don't want to loose him I have to say all this stuff now. What are your thoughts?
A
male
reader, Mr. Sensitive  +, writes (30 January 2009):
 You go girl. Keep it up. The path to self-confidence is traveled one tiny bravery at a time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses. Helps to hear others opinions. I am not good at asserting myself like this and always tend to take the route of not communicating what I want. This gets me nowhere good. So I got some balls and told him how I feel, that I want us to evolve. Mustered up the courage to drop the fear of being hurt and now I sit back, wait and hope. What happens will happen and I am hoping for the best but at the same time prepared for the worst. (I guess maybe this is a defense mechanism just in case)
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (30 January 2009):
 I wholeheartedly agree with Emily. Why on earth when he said to you "just say the word" did you not reply, "what word shall I say? Because I am ready right now!" Why would you walk away from the conversation without a reply or with a "I'll let you know" attitude and leave it for another day? You should have said something right then and there!
No, the decision isnt his. You are not a helpless toy that complies to his every whim and cant make decisions for yourself. Take some grown up responsibility here and step up for what you want!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (30 January 2009):
This the American dating system so the whole thing is a bit weird to me....
But as I see it so far, you've said:
You: "I don't like you seeing other girls?"
Him: "Oh, Ok, do you want us to be exclusive?"
You: ...........
What is wrong with saying "Yes I want us to be a real couple."???
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, Mr. Sensitive +, writes (30 January 2009):
Different people need to hear things in different ways. Perhaps he needs to hear it REALLY clearly.
So say it really clearly. A relationship that starts with "I don't want to say it, you say it" isn't really going to last long anyway.
Relationships are all about two people giving up little bits of themselves to make something that is larger than both of them.
GO ahead. Let go of your fear of being hurt. Say it anyway he needs to hear it. He'll see your trust and respond. Start building that bigger something together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): I can't see anything wrong in saying clearly what you want. I am a firm believer in "if you don't ask you don't get". And trust me, men at times need for decisions to be made for them. I'm not saying to be bossy, but being assertive is often perceived by men as sexy.
If you really want this guy to be your boyfriend, just say so and best of luck for your relationship!
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