A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, please take the time to read this. My question is about my boyfriend cheating on me. I will explain first and then ask my question.My boyfriend and I got together a year ago after meeting through a mutual friend. We hit it off immediately and within a few months we were official. We were head over heels for each other, he couldn't do enough for me and made me feel like the only girl in the world. Unfortunately, due to stressful situations at home etc on both our parts, we began to start arguing after a few more months, but we always worked it out. At some point, however, he got involved with some horrible people and drugs. This meant he was never around and keeping things from me, and it had a strong effect on our relationship, it was like we barely knew each other. We decided to take a week apart to decide what we wanted to do, and when we came back we decided we'd start fresh. However, getting out of the situation he was in proved harder than we thought and before we knew it we were arguing again. For the past month or so things have been ok, and we were learning to deal with things a bit easier, however just a couple days ago I found out he cheated on me when drunk about 6 times with this one girl who looked after his "stuff". He'd been getting stupidly drunk with the idiots he was hanging around with, and one of the people he got a lift from was this girl who lived in town. One night she came onto him and I'm sure you can get the rest. It started when we came back from our week away, because he thought I'd been cheating when things got rough, but I can honestly say I have never even come close. I was prepared to stand by him through everything. But he turned out to be the one who couldn't be trusted! He said he was trying to be someone he's not and that he's lost that person he was when we met. I'd agree he's changed, but the question is, do I ever give him a second chance? Right now I couldn't get back with him; I've decided to move away from the small town I live in because that's what I always planned to do until I met him. He doesn't want me to go, and I love him so much but I'm so confused, I really do love him and I do miss the person he was, and I can't help but hold onto the thought that he might be able to change.. But at the same time I'm so hurt by the lies and the secrets, but he's sorting himself out so I just want to know if it makes any sense at all that I think, or even hope, that after some time away, and some time to sort myself out, maybe we could build some sort of friendship again and who knows in the future? Is that totally mad and wrong? I can't switch my feelings off but I'm moving away so I can sort my head out and don't get pulled back in. I know he loves me but what he did was so disgusting and wrong. What would you do? Thanks
View related questions:
cheated on me, drugs, drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): Thankyou for all your answers, I appreciate them all and I think I will take some time to focus on myself for a while before I could even consider giving him a second chance. Who knows in the future, when he's grown up a bit and maybe sorted himself out. I love him and can't switch off my feelings but I think this is best for the both of us.
Thanks agony aunts! This site never fails me! X
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2012): I think person12345 put it perfectly except for one detail. Personally I don't think anyone should ever consider dating a person based on the idea that "He might get his life back in order".
Never. That should never be a thought in anyone's head. Too often people stay with poisonous people in the hope that happens, or get sucked back in by the promise that has happened, too often it's an excuse people use to continue on in the worst, most damaging relationship and too often it's the hope that people cling on to which stops them letting go. The world would be a better place if people stopped wanting, hoping and waiting for others to change.
He has committed so many deal breakers OP that he has no excuse, he has no way back and he doesn't deserve a second chance.
You gave him about 40 chances already, he's done, he had his chance and he blew it. For the record, change takes years to happen and very often never does. The only way that change happens suddenly is by some exceptionally profound mental circumstances and the majority of times that change is negative. Positive change is exceptionally hard and time consuming and I very doubt he could make that change with you in his life anyway. At the end of the day OP, you may blame outside circumstances for your arguing but it's more likely after the initial buzz and lust of honeymoon period ended you just didn't get along at all and are incompatible and no amount of love can change that.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (5 April 2012):
 This guy just sounds like a mess right now. He does drugs, cheats, picks fights, I don't see a reason to give him a second chance, at least not until his life is in order. Saying he thought you were cheating is just a total cop out. Two wrongs don't make a right, and why wouldn't he simply confront you? You're physically moving apart now too, sounds like a good way to put as much distance as possible in there. He might get his life back in order, but he also might fall into a downward spiral and you don't want to be taken with him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2012): Being drunk is never an excuse, especially when its six times or more. If you want to give him a second chance, he has to cut those bad habits first before you try to forgive, but you cant control who he hangs with.
In my opinion, its been four months, leave before it becomes that much harder. Looks like he wont drop his habits for you, how can you expect him to stay faithful then.
...............................
|
