A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Really need advice and help urgently. A while ago I posted about the fact I had the chance to emigrate to Oz to be with my boyfriend who had been there several months. I decided on the advice to give it a trial few weeks and that is what I have done. I have been out with this guy for over 2 years and some of that has been apart when he emigrated. I knew he wanted to emigrate so have had to live with that idea from the start pretty much and now he wants me to commit to him. I'm in my mid-thirties I've been married before for a long time in a bad relationship so I cannot make a mistake or just 'see how things go' for the next couple of years. Things need to be committed and serious and right really. I do not have children. Since being on my exploratory visit I had a great time with my boyfriend and he has put stability in place in terms of a house. However I can only get a student visa (which is ok because I wanted to study and get a new career) but I cannot get a working visa (not enough points) and so could not work full time if I wanted to or needed to and because we have not lived together yet as a couple i cannot get a de facto visa. The student visa has its limitations and I am only really interested in one course - the choices are limited to international students. This course will cost me £20k. With emigration costs too this is a huge financial commitment for me over and above emotional and I cannot get a student loan out in Oz as I could in the UK. The biggest concern though is that yesterday I had a 'big' conversation about his commitment to me. I have some reservations about living in Oz for the rest of my life - being away from family and feeling that I might need support if I have children being just one thing, other factors such as it is so expensive now to fly to anywhere holidays and family visits will be difficult plus the culture is different and until you live there you don't know if its for you. I can imagine the next 5 years but beyond this I am not sure. I asked him straight "If I was very unhappy in say 5 or 6 years time and wanted to go back to the UK would you come with me?" and he was silent for a while and said "No - I'm committed to a future in Melbourne". I told him I felt the commitment was a one way street then and he said he would be committed to changing my mind and trying to get me to stay in Melbourne. I feel that I am vulnerable now, I'm hurt and the next 5 years are critical for me and these aren't the words of someone who claims to love me and care about my happiness. I feel like he wants me to be happy on his terms. I am a positive person and I have tried to overcome my fears and see this as an opportunity but I risk finding myself having financially invested everything I have in this, emotionally got deeper and deeper and even have his children to then be unhappy and stuck there. Everything is on the line and I feel this is not how a relationship should be. I have taken risks in my life before - some have paid off others have not. Please help I really don't know what to do now. I have already given up my job and packed things into boxes so that I am ready to facilitate this whole thing and it just feels like one long chain of sacrifices.
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female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (8 July 2008):
 Very interesting one.
I think he decided what would make him happy and he is not willing to change that for you (very difficult to acknowledge, but it does sound like that). However, it does not mean it is not difficult for him to choose his "dream" versus your relationship. Each of us has somethings we need to live through and he has decided his life would be set in Oz and he is just doing what he believes is right for him. He has the right and the obligation (to himself) to do this.
You, on the other hand, have a very difficult choice to make. Have you decided what will make YOU happy (understanding happiness is an attitude and not a place to go to)? What do YOU want out of your life? How do YOU envision your future, your children, your family? Do YOU like spending holidays with your family or just your hubby and you? This decision is not about him or your relationship. It is about YOU. This is YOUR life, so... what do YOU want from it? What do YOU need from it? If YOU decide you want to move and give it a try, then do so, but no regrets later on. Who knows what will happen in 5 or 6 years? He doesn't and you don't. If you feel uncomfortable then you will always have the choice to come back knowing you did everything possible.
On the other hand, are you willing to change everything you know just because someone else is asking you to? Is there really a possibility of a future there or will you just be clinging to him? Could you make new friends, find new hobbies, study something new? Is that something YOU want to do? Is this relationship that stable?
It all comes down to YOU. I am sure you would find someone else where you live or someone who might be more open to achieving a happy medium with you instead of just saying: all or nothing, you choose. But this will always be YOUR decision.
Write down the pros and cons... also your motivations for moving and staying. That should give you a very clear picture of the decision you should take. If it means ending a relationship or becoming someone new... I wish you the best of lucks!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): Personally, I don't think you should. Its not right that you would have to commit to him but he wouldn't commit to you. Obviously relationship is about sacrifice and comprimise, but this is giving up your whole life for someone that for one wouldn't do the same for you, and two wouldn't make you happy is just wrong.You would have problems with your money, there is no guarantee that you'd be happy forever with your boyfriend. Australia is a amazing country. It really is but not everyone in Australia is happy. Just the country wouldn't solve the financial difficulties, the unhappiness of being there etc. I wouldn't do it. I think you should stay where you are with your family, be happy, find someone else who you can spend your life with and won't having to worry about the money. You wouldn't even be able to get a job to pay off the debts.I know leaving someone is hard, and definatley easier said from me than done by you, but you said yourself, relationships don't work like this. Sure they have difficulties but this means giving up your happiness.So you have your two options. You could stay here, get over him and eventually find someone else you can be happy here. Sure no excitment, and you could go to Australia and be happy there but there will be no guarantees about how happy you will be.Its all about how much your willing to gamble and risk?! Is your happiness something you want to gamble?!
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