A
male
age
30-35,
*pirhaunt
writes:I hope my question format is easy to understand.History:My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for almost two years. We have had our ups and downs, but nothing that was extreme in any manner. I love her very much, and she says she loves me the same. What happened:Her and her ex keep in touch. At first this didn't really bother me, but the situation has changed. Anytime I bad mouth the guy, she gets defensive. I asked her if it was because she still had feelings for him. At first, she was reluctant to say anything. I asked her if she still loved him, and she said yes. I didn't get angry at her, or make rude remarks, I just just told her I kind of figured it out.She explained her sorrow that she felt that way, and she wishes she didn't feel anything for him. She went on to assure me, she would "Never" go back to him, and wanted to be with me.I told her I forgave her (she asked) because it's hard to forget someone you loved. I asked her if she would please cut 100% contact with him, if she meant what she said. She went on to say, "We barely speak, can't it just stay that way?". She never caved, and insisted she they stay in slight contact. I have a deep seeded hatred for the guy, for reasons other than he is her ex. She now avoids the subject entirely, and gets aggravated if it is brought up at all.Notes:*He has another girlfriend now.*She acts like nothing has happened.*Please don't just tell me to "break up with her". Nothing is easy in this world, and you gain nothing by running away from your problems.Question: I can't stop thinking about the whole thing, should I bring it up again, and try to gain closure?Thank you for your answers/advice.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Spirhaunt +, writes (8 December 2009):
Spirhaunt is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you, I'm going to ask her about a compromise on the subject. In all honesty, if she truly loves me the way she says she does, then she should have no problem with what's fair.
I'll update this question, after I speak with her.
A
female
reader, Sminky  +, writes (8 December 2009):
 Be honest, do you trust her? If so, and you want to make this work, you need to bring this up again. Relationships are based on deals in a way, you want her to agree not to see him, but she doesn't want to be told who she can and can't see. It could be that she is keeping him in mind in case it doesn't work out with you, or that she enjoys the ego boost his attention gives her or simply that she pities him. You will know best.
The problem is finding a deal you can both agree with. When you bring it up, point out that you wish to find closure, so you can focus on the good things in your relationship. While you are not happy she has contact with him, you would not want to order her not to, so say you hope she respects you enough to understand why you feel this way and maybe compromise by not being the one to initiate contact with him, and only reply to be civil.
If she still refuses, I would be suspicious, there may not be anything there but maybe she can't let him go emotionally. It is up to you whether you chose to live with that or not.
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A
female
reader, Donna81  +, writes (8 December 2009):
 Discuss this openly with her, don't get defensive and talk this out.
Tell her how you feel and listen to what she has to say and find a way to compromise so you both respect each other's boundaries.
Life isn't easy and neither are relationships, if you really want this relationship to work out you may need to find a way to move on from this resentment or find someone else.
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