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anonymous
writes: Hi,I have a problem with my relationship of 14 months.All the way through I've found it difficult to tell her how I feel. I have told her I love her and she has said the same to me. She seems so happy and tells me all the time how much she loves me, when she comes home from work she gets excited about seeing me again (even though it's only been 7 hours). The problem is I don't feel the same.She is my first proper girlfriend, well certainly the longest. So after 3 months when we decided to move in together I thought it was a great idea, but now I think where has this relationship got to go? What now from this? I certainly don't want to marry her, I dont think I'm even actually in love with her.How do I tell the girl who is madly in love me actually I don't love her anymore and I want to end it?When I do tell her she is going to be so upset and I don't want to hurt her. Am I being selfish?Please can you respond asap as it is driving mr crazy.Thank you. Reply to this Question
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (27 March 2005):
 This situation is very sad as you know someone is going to get hurt, but it is inevitable. You can't stay with someone in order to make them happy when you feel unhappy yourself. In the end she would know anyway by your behaviour that you weren't happy. It isn't selfish to want to be content, knowing that for you to achieve that means hurting someone else, but in the short term. In some ways, it is much worse to remain with someone knowing you are unhappy and not satisfied with the relationship and longing for a way out. Ultimately, you are going to hurt her much more as time goes on.This will not be good for her and she will be hurt and upset but at the same time, she will recover. You aren't responsible for all her emotions but you can help to ease the hurt by using tact and empathy.The old line, "It's not you, it's me..." doesn't really wash and is a means of escaping from telling the truth really. She loves you and you don't want to hurt her but you are going to, so it is best to get it done and sorted as quick as possible. For both of you.Probably telling her that you loved her when you really wasn't sure wasn't quite the right thing to do but then, you can't change that. However, she may well say that you did say you loved her for which you could perhaps reply that you feel a lot for her, care deeply for her but that you want both of you to be happy. The only way you can see this happening is for you not to be together as you no longer feel that it would do either of you any good in the long run.You need to gentle with her and considerate. Explain how sorry you are but that you don't feel you have the future that other couples who are in love have.This isn't going to be easy but the sooner you do it, the better.Sit her down and talk to her calmly as soon as possible.I wish you luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2005): Since you already told her you "love" her you will have to explain that, clarify. Since you are inexperienced in love tell her that you are just starting to understand those feelings & you don't want to hurt her, but you are immature & not ready for any kind of commitment. Be honest, it hurts less.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2005): Hi,No I don't think you are being selfish. You can't help how you feel, and it would be unfair to her and to yourself to carry on if you're not happy.There is no easy way to do this, you just have to be as tactful as possible. Be prepared for tears and tantrums nad she may even try to change your mind. But if you are sure of how you feel then you must stick to your guns.If you live together, you may find that she has picked up on the fact that all is not well, us women have great intuition for these things you know. So you may find she might not be that suprised.Good luck. I hope things go well for you.
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