A
male
age
36-40,
*rmani
writes:I have waited all my life to have sex when i am married, with someone who also is a virgin. My fiance has told me that she has had sex before with 4 guys..I don't like this....what should i do? I was always taught sex was a sacred thing and should be kept before marriage...
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male
reader, alongtimeago11 +, writes (9 February 2008):
I've been in your shoes and decided to press forward with the relationship. It was difficult at first, but we have been together for 7 years now. Time does heal all things. I can say, though, that those who respond to your plight with, "Just get over it," show no understanding for what you're going through. It will be hard at times, but you're not the only one this has happened to.
What "daletom" states in response to your question is true. If you love your fiance and she understands that this issue does bother you, talk about it and if necessary, talk to a professional--there's no shame in this.
I offer all of this only from personal experience, without any evidence to back me up. However, it did work for me, and am grateful that it did. I wish you the best.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2008): your learnings are correct... my friend. such is the world that you live in. dont forget about the other learnings you have learned... forgiveness. you are a rock, the water flows around you like a river. you can either follow the water down or you can stand your ground and help the other rocks around you from falling. build a strong foundation from this rock. build your marriage and your future and teach your children well.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2008): The virgin-till-married should not marry the non-virgin-till-married.From what I've seen, these situations NEVER, EVER, EVER stop being a source of pain for the rest of your life.
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (7 January 2008):
Armani, you were NOT taught wrong and you are NOT an ass for feeling as you do.
You obviously value and respect sexuality more than she does. Or at least, more than she did in the past.
This is a serious matter to be resolved between you and your fiance'. Please don't ignore it. I suspect she knew of your beliefs before she told you about her past, so it took a LOT of courage to mention it. Here are some questions to discuss TOGETHER:
- Has she changed her view since she had those experiences?
- Now that you are engaged and starting to develop both the physical and emotional intimacy of husband and wife, have you changed YOUR position about waiting for marriage?
- If either of you could re-live your lives since you were, say, 15 years old - what would you do differently?
- What sort of sexual exclusivity do you expect from each other in the future?
- What part do you expect sex to play in your marriage? When, and for what reason, will you have sex as man and wife? (It WILL be different than what you think, but this question will help your organize your thoughts and expectations.)
You just might break up over this problem. You might also create a stronger commitment to each other by facing it.
Being true to your convictions, doing right regardless of cost, and perseverance - even in the face of adversity - are an admirable character qualities. The Finns put it all into a concept they call "sisu". True forgiveness (without persistent grudges) and compromise are also admirable qualities. You and your fiance' have the opportunity to investigate and develop these qualities - I wish you well!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008): you were taught wrong.
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A
male
reader, loverman86  +, writes (7 January 2008):
 dude, dont be an ass, just because you had different plans doesnt mean you should break up with her thats not fair, so shes had sex, thats because she didnt save herself but you did who cares, shutup and have sex.
JESUS
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