A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Help!My girlfriend and I are having problems when it comes to sex.I love her and think the world of her, the problem is that she wants to make love probably more often than I do. I am happy to make love too, but sometimes I am stressed or tired and find a long love making session too much. I would rather just sometimes have a quick session then bed or maybe just a cuddle then bed.Don't get me wrong, I do like having sex / making love to her and find her attractive. It's just not so frequently. I've discussed this with her and now she's upset as this has been brought up in the past by one of her previous partners.I regret saying anything because she's v upset and feels afraid of making any advances now.How do I sort this one out? Any good advice would be much appreciated.Thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (16 November 2010):
 It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation here that is nobody's fault. There seem to be many different things making demands on your time, your job, commuting, kids and your girlfriend. It must be hard trying to juggle everything and switch between different roles of professional, parental figure etc. So it must be difficult to switch off and just be yourself with your partner, the one person you should be able to go home to and just be you, without any demands on you. I can see how you could get your back up if you just want to switch off and relax but your girlfriend wants to make love. You could interpret this as her making another demand on your time and expecting that you will want what she wants too. You could likely want to push her away because you don't want any more demands being made of you.
This will hurt the relationship with her, though. She on the other hand will be at home all week with the kids(I gather shes a stay at home single mum). She will be looking forward all week to seeing you and will probably be fantasizing of being in your arms and all those other nice things she wants to happen. Then when you come home, it doesn't happen that way. You're tired and grumpy because you've had a hard week and when she tries to get close to you, you push her away because you feel like she is making an unfair demand. She then feels hurt by this because she feels you are rejecting her and don't feel the same way she feels about you or you would be longing to be intimate with her also, after a long week away.
It's a tough situation. You're both different people wanting different things from the relationship.
It sounds like you feel you need time alone with her, without the kids in order to propperly relax in order to feel like making love. Obviously this is not practical right now, the way things are. So you will have to find other solutions. Is there a chance she could move up to where you work? Or could you work closer to home? Could you not find a local teenager to mind the kids one night a week? I understand childminders are expensive, but a babysitter could be more affordable. You could have a date night every week to reconnect and spend quality time together. Go out for a meal/drink/movie/whatever. When you come back you may feel more loved up and interested in making love.
It is important to find ways to make time for intimacy and closeness with your partner. Otherwise you will drift apart. Doing things long distance when you don't have much time together makes things very difficult and puts even more pressure on the time you spend together, to make the most of it. Whereas this is the time you just want to chill and do nothing.
Try to explain how you feel and assure her you understand how she feels also. If you are loving and kind to her about this, and do not get angry or accusing, she will be able to understand you and you will hopefully get through this difficult time.
In the long run though, I would suggest finding a way for you to work near where she lives. Even if thats in a couple of years time. Then its a goal to look forward to and there will be less pressure on the time you have together.
Good luck
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): Hi Betty,
Thanks for your posts, they are very insightful and help me to understand where she's coming from. She is a very passionate, emotional and sensitive person. These qualities are to her credit, although I suspect she has too much time to think, especially as she's not working at the moment.
I should have mentioned that I work away, so only see her on the weekends. This involves lots of driving, then there's the pressures of work and having bouts of insomnia, then there's the demands of her kids who require lots of attention, being kids. It's hard to relax and feel all the warmth that she has to offer and wants to give.
When we do spent quality time together, i.e. a weekend away without the children, I do eventually relax and feel very warm towards her and feel I want to make love, not just sex.
The father to her children is unreasonable and only wants the children when it suits, which is usually an afternoon during the week. She has no family in this country, so it's not like there's anyone to take care of the kids for the day or a night. We have to get child minders who are very expensive, so this happens rarely!
It's sad, wish I knew of a way to make things better.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (16 November 2010):
No sex does not equal love. But sex is a way of expressing love and sharing love with someone special. There are many different kinds of love, but we are talking romantic love here. If there is no sex within a romantic relationship, it is more like a close friendship.
If she is being demanding and does not understand that you do not want sex as much as you, then no, that is not right. But the sad fact is people have different libedos and attitudes towards/values placed on the importance of sex in a relationship. It sounds like you have differences in this area. It is possible for this to work out, but it will take some compromise and it depends how different your needs/wants are.
If it is a matter of her wanting sex twice a day and you every 3 days, I'm sure this won't be a problem, you just need to come to some sort of agreement. ie she won't mention sex when you have had a long day and at the weekend you will promise to make love twice. Something like that.
But you have to be honest with each other about the whole thing. Otherwise resentment will build up. It's like anything. If you have a different attitude/value on something to your partner and its an important issue such as sex, it will inevitibly be difficult to make a relationship work. I think libedo is such an important factor in relationships working. But if you love each other you will work it out. Be kind to each other, try to understand where she's coming from. She surely doesn't mean to be demanding of you, it is likely just as I have described, she is really into you, really into sex and can't help herself from wanting to express this in the form of sex. It is a driving instinct that is hard to control. If you have a high sex drive it is hard to switch off. You don't want to pressure or pester your partner for sex, quite the contrary! She wants you to be pestering her for it. She doesn't want to feel like a sex pest. It's such an awful feeling. She just has a lot of passion in her she wants to let out.
Everyone's different. There's no point placing blame. Communication is the only way to resolve this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): I assure you, sex does NOT equal love. Love is a desire for the betterment of another...sometimes that means giving something up. Sometimes that means doing something you don't necessarily want to do. Sometimes, that means not having sex all. the. time.
She has absolutely no right to demand sex all the time...that is outrightly selfish of her and shows no respect for your feelings.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (15 November 2010):
"In the past, it's been like having cake all the time, put in front of you with an expectation that you'll eat it. After a while, you don't want any more cake."
My god, my boyfriend uses this analogy all the time! Except for him it's chocolate biscuits. Apparently when one has chocolate biscuits every day one stops wanting chocolate biscuits. If one doesn't eat chocolate biscuits for a week, when one does eat one again, it tastes great.
I'm sorry, I can't hold back, what a crock of crap! Sex with your girlfriend should not be the same as consuming an unnecessary food. I'm sorry it actually upsets me to think about this.
I just cannot understand this point of view. But then I have never had a guy want to have sex more than I do.
I don't know. It used to be when I went to bed with my boyfriend I would have all these feelings bubble up inside me and I'd just want to reach out and by physically close to him. I loved him so much. There was just such a feeling of deep warmth for him inside me that I could barely contain. I just long to be close to him and express my feeling for him.
Thats how I can explain why I want sex every day with my boyfriend. Now when he started to turn me away, at first I was confused, like "why don't you want my love?" Then that turned into a deep hurt. I guess for me love and sex are the same thing. It's about intimacy.
Now with the cake/chocolate biscuit analogy it sounds like you see sex as mainly a hedonistic pleasure. I can somehow see that if you have that pleasure every day it could perhaps lose its shine? Like having your favourite food every day could result in disliking that food.
But I suppose for me and perhaps your girlfriend too, sex is so much more than "getting off". When I love someone I do it wholeheartedly. I want to have real deep intimacy with that person. I am perhaps too passionate. I want to give everything of myself to that person. I want to try every kind of sexual experience and fantasy with them. I need fun, excitement, nautiness, that sexual chemistry and tension to keep me going. Otherwise I unfortunatly spiral into feelings of resentment and sorrow. The guy may love me in his own way but withou the passion it only feels like half a relationship.
I just think, if I'm so driven to hump every which way possible and explore my sexuality and my partners sexuality whom I love, the why don't they want that too? That special kind of sexy connection feels like a driving force in my soul(I'm getting a bit too dramatic now, but oh well!) and without that with my boyfriend, although I love and care for him dearly, I feel like I am not living my life to the full. (I would be a porn star if my values and confidence didn't prevent me doing this! I would love to really experiment sexually but I don't want to be used as a commodity and I am a one guy woman) I have been in an emotional tug of war with myself because of this for some time now. I don't want to leave him just because we have differing sex drives/interest, but I cannot squash who I am too long or I might explode. Be careful that your girlfriend may feel the same way. Sex is more than cake to her. Try to understand this or you will not last, I'm sorry to have to say this.
I mean of course if you do have a reasonable amount of sex I'm sure you guys will be fine, but if she wants it every day minimum before she feels cranky and you can and want to wait 2 or 3 weeks, something will have to give at some point.
Sorry if I have gone off the point or not been helpful, I just thought I'd give you my point of view as someone in your girlfriends possition.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): Try this - if you're not in the mood and she is, try oral sex. She'll get pleasured and have orgasms and will be happy. Then do it when you're both in the mood.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): Thanks for your replies and good advice.
To explain further,
The thing is, I do always give her lots of hugs and kisses, try to make her feel special. Take her out and tell her that I love her.
I have to say that she has kind of reduced the demands for sexual intercourse but maybe I now have a slight problem in that I have a bit of a complex about it. In the past, it's been like having cake all the time, put in front of you with an expectation that you'll eat it. After a while, you don't want any more cake. You find the thought of it less appealing. Perhaps this is my problem now!
Sorry if the above analogy sounds rude, it's not supposed to be ;).
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (15 November 2010):
Explain your point of view to her. Assure her that you DO find her VERY attractive and that you just have a lower sex drive than her.
I have been in her possition and I understand how she may feel. Having a much higher sex drive than your partner can be very difficult as you feel that you are being constantly rejected. You beging to feel that you are the only one that wants to have sex in the relationship, which can make you feel undesirable and unwanted. This can effect your self esteem, badly. It really hurts when the one guy you love, adore and long to make love to frequently, is simply too tired to make love to you, most days.
It sounds like she has felt like this in a past relationship and now this issue has arisen for her again with you, she is probably afraid of all the negative emotions that go along with this issue.
To someone to whom sex is very important in a relationship it can be hard to understand the point of view of someone to whom it is not so important, and can wait a few days because they are stressed tired etc. She may even be thinking that something is wrong with her as more than one guy now doesn't want as much sex as her. She may be questioning her attractiveness, love makiing skills because of this. After all, we are told than me want sex with women all the time. It is more often we hear that it is the woman who pretends to have a headache to get out of sex.
But of course everyone is different. You cannot help your sex drive beong lower than hers. It is simply a difference of opinion and biological needs.
So what can you do about this? Be kind to her. If she is feeling hurt about this, talk to her, reassure her and don't let her think there is anything wrong with her. You have to find a compromise amount of sex so she doesn't feel rejected and you don't feel exhausted. Tell her that sometimes you would like sex but dont have the energy for a full on session. Ask if you could compromise by having a quickie on those days. If shes anything like me she'd rather this than have her needs completely ignored.
If she is afraid to make advances now, because she doesn't want to relive the feelings of rejaction from her past, you should make the first move more often to reassure her that you ARE into her and its just that your sex drive isnt as high.
Make sure you make her feel loved in other ways too. Make up for not making love as frequently as she wants to, by gining her attention and affection in other ways. Give her lots of cuddles, stroks and massages. In other words non-sexual physical affection. Spend quality time with her. If you don't have the energy for sex, why not help her get off? Give her oral or help her masturbate.
If you would like to have more energy for sex, why not try looking at your overall health and fitness? The healthier and happier we are, the higher our sex drive becomes, generally speaking. Why not try eating healthier and getting a bit more exercise. Why are you so tired and stressed? Is there anything you can do to help aleviate this? You could perhaps try taking suppliments to boost your libedo. Only if you want this of course. If not you will have to try to think of ways to compromise whilst being careful to make sure she feels loved and wanted in other ways, when you are just not in the mood.
Good luck, it's a difficult one I'm afraid.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): Each of us has different drives and different needs. Some women feel desire for physical relations more often than others. Myself, I could do it morning, noon, and night and still be thinking about it all day.
Others use physical relations as a substitute for connecting on a deeper emotional level. They have sex because they want to "keep" you or to "prove" they love you.
First, you have to figure out which is the reason she's pressuring you to have it so often.
If it's because she needs the physical release, make sure she knows that you love her and you want her even when you aren't making love. Find ways to prolong your love-making time together so that she is fully satisfied.
If it's because she's using physical relations as a substitute for emotional connection, spend more time with her *not* making love. Tell her you want to, say, cook dinner together. Listen to her prattle on about her day and be the kind man she loves. Let her know that sometimes all you want to do is hold hands, and that you need to know she wants this too.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): I think you should provide her with more sex fantasies. Dress up as a girl sometime and let her make love to you like a man. I am sure this will quench her sex hunger
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