A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:What to do when your Gf says she doesnt love you?It hurts so much!!!, My girlfriend and i have been going out for almost 4 years now. A couple of months ago she told me she didnt know how she felt anymore? I was pretty shocked but we agreed that it might just be a phase and she told me to give her time and that she will get over it. Over the past week i notcied that she wasnt acting the same and i felt something was wrong. I asked her " remember how you said you'd tell me if you felt that way again...i just want to make sure u will". This is where she said "ok ill tell you now". My heart sank....she said she hasnt gotten over it and shes not IN love with me anymore, although she stil "loves me". We have been through some tough times and the main reason why we have gotten through was because we loved each other so much. Now there are new things in her life and she said she has outgrown me?! Let me explain that we have been looking at house together, spoken about having children and our futures together. Im so annoyed and heart broken! This is the woman i wanted to spend the rest of my life with, now i cant picture my life without her and thats what im facing ( dont say youll get over it! i dont want to get over her! ) I think maybe she is blinded by the fact thta all these new things are in her life and im the only thing thats "old", but i always thought she would need me :( She is going to the states for 2 weeks this weekend and i was thinking about saying to her to leave it till she gets back...to see how she feels... i dont know what to do!? Im always thinking about her and it makes me so sad. Anyone plz help, and none of this get over it crap i want real answers! i need her in my life, and we cnt be just friends itll kill my to see her with someone else..... HELP ME! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2008): Thanks everyone for your responses. Just to make things a bit clearer, I do alot for this woman, im caring and am constantly thinking of the future. About 1 yr ago we were talking about engagement and she was probably more into it than me at the time. I guess now her priorities have changed, shes got a new job and a few new friends in different states. I live in Australia and shes going to the U.S fro a couple of weeks. Im positive its nothing to do with another guy, and i guess im just scared, no im very scared. Dating to me now is just scary....something i was looking forward to never having to do again. Im also hurt she just never thought about perhaps therapy or talking about it instead of just cutting me loose. Whenever i want to talk to her she gets angry and doesnt want to talk, i guess its because whenever she does it reminds her of what shes done to me. Thats why she was so cold when she told me, she said she had to act that way otherwise she would get upset and she would come back to me....and when she does she thinks she will fall back into the same pattern of feelings again and have to go through what we r going through now.
I bought her a video camera for her birthday last dec. Ive got to return it to her tomorrow after getting it fixed. Ive added my own video diary telling her of my feelings and thta ill be waiting for her when she gets back if she needs me. Hopefully it will remind her of the first video i left for her when i gave her the present telling her how proud i was of her and how much i loved her. She cried when she watchd it , i hope it has the same affect this time. If it doesnt i guess ill have to go through the pain....it really hurts, cant eat or sleep and unless im kept really busy im always thinking about it :(
Thanks everyone.....anymore suggestions will really help to. xo
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): It's easy to say "dont just tell me to get over her - I dont want to get over her", but the truth of the situation is that you cant force someone to love you. She either does or she doesnt. You've given her time and she has stated her feelings. This holiday is the best thing that could happen, as there can be two possible outcomes: either she goes over there, realises how much she needs you and comes back wanting to give your relationship another go, or she will feel the same. If it is the second case, it's finished. I dont mean to sound so harsh, but it's better for you to start the process of moving on than her staying with you for an extra couple of months just out of pity.As I said, you can't force someone to love you - I hope for your sake that she changes her mind.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, les  +, writes (28 July 2008):
Hey,You guys started dating when you were either in late teens or early 20s, I gather from your age. This is a huge time to change - its when we grow up, learn about life and responsibilities, and realize that the things we thought were a priority before no longer are. I think that this is what she means when she says she's "outgrown" you. From what you've described, it sounds like she started focusing on HER life and realized that a relationship is just one component of living life, while you sound like you're still absorbed by the relationship and have failed to focus on yourself as well. So instead of seeing this as the end, as her leaving for two weeks, you should look at it as an opportunity to kind of "grow" as well and instead of trying to keep the relationship together by holding on to her, you should see what she's been doing and try to do the same thing for yourself. I'm sure that once she sees you becoming a different and more mature person, she'll realize that its not the same old thing anymore and be much more open. All relationships change, but what ruins them is the fear of change. The other thing is, like the posters mentioned before, you're probably stuck a comfort zone. She's not the same person she was before, but you're still treating her like one, right? You need to date her again and get to know her all over and then you'll know how to treat her properly. Who knows, maybe you won't even like the new her.. I hope this all makes sense. Good luck and don't be afraid of change.
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A
male
reader, StudentOfLife  +, writes (28 July 2008):
 In order to keep the flame in a relationship, you always have to make an effort to look good in front of your partner.
It's something that we tend to let go once we get in the "comfort zone". (Which i think is the same think as the "old" she's talking about.)
There's another factor that may cause lost of love, it's the love languages (yes there's love languages). Love languages are like food for love, speak the right one and her love stomach will be filled, speak the wrong one and slowly she will start searching for more.
I have books on the subject. They're really instructive and I think everyone should read them.
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A
male
reader, Joe158  +, writes (28 July 2008):
 Hmm darn unlucky mate!
Well firstly i suggest that you forget about it for the 2 weeks. I know it's easier said than done, but if she's on holiday there's no reason to be thinking about it. It's the summer, i want you to go out with friends and try and relax as much as possible.
As for when she gets back, sit her down for a chat, literally tell her what you've said on here. Say that you're heartbroken and you thought you'd be spending the rest of your life with her. See how she feels about the situation. If she still says she feels that way then say you don't want to be "just friends" and suggest you spend some time apart. Thats honestly the only advice i can give you, being apart might make her realise she really does love you again, and if she doesn't then i don't know what you should do. (refraiming from saying you might have to leave her behind).
Hope your problems is sorted soon!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): You cannot make someone love you. To make excuses as to why she is no longer loving you will only prolong the pain. The best advice I can give you is not to pressure her. Tell her that you love her and that to spend the rest of your life with her is something you were looking forward to and that you will be there should she need you. THEN I am afraid you will have to let go and let her make the next move. If you create a big enough gap in her life with your withdrawal she may realise exactly what she is missing... but leave the door open so that she can still call on you should she need to. Good luck and I hope things work out. xx
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