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male
age
41-50,
*teve75
writes: I'm really worried about a friend of mine. I met her online about 8 months ago and we have become quite close. She has been interested in a guy who I also known for some time, and in February she went to meet him (she lives in America and me and the other guy are from the UK). They got on well she thought but a month later he told her that he just wanted to be friends. Since then she has been trying to be just that with him but has been finding it hard to get the feelings out of her head. In November he arranged to come and visit her but a while before he did she let slip that she was confused and liked both me and him. I found that quite hard to deal with as I really like her too but in the end she decided that she still had feelings for him and wanted to see if it could go anywhere with him. I was a bit worried because, having known the story, I'd asked him and he told me they were just friends and he wasn't interested in that way. He went to visit for a week and when he'd come back I asked her how it went. She told me she couldn't quite believe it was happening etc and they'd made love, she was happy. Having spoken to him before about her this worried me more so I asked him again and he told me they were still just friends, and that if he'd wanted anything more he would have done something about it ages ago or when she visited in Feb.... I asked if she knew that and he said yes, from the feb trip.So I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do about the whole mess.I want to tell her but I don't want to hurt her. Nor do I want her to think I'm just trying to split them because she knows I like her (I don't want to be a consolation prize anyway to be honest) I don't know whether to confront him.I don't know if I should just do nothing. I'd feel extremely guilty if I did that though.It's all a bit of a mess.Could you give me your thoughts on this?Cheers, Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2006): Yes, a long distance relationship of that magnitude can be very difficult.......at bottom, she probably knows what the truth is - that he is interested in nothing more than friendship (BUT in that case, he had no business having sex with her!!) but she most likely does not want to face up to it.I suppose you COULD tell her, if you must, but beware of being the bearer of bad news! Probably better to leave it alone and pursue your own friendship with her instead. Maybe she will come to place more value on you than on him, especially if you are generally supportive, humorous, courteous and considerate toward her.....that might be better.Unless of course you'd rather look for someone else entirely.....
A
male
reader, steve75 +, writes (8 December 2006):
steve75 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply. I'm not trying to get with her myself as I said though so that's not the issue. She made up her mind and that's fine. The issue is I'm not sure if I should tell her as a friend that he is messing with her! I feel very guilty knowing but not saying anything.
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (8 December 2006):
 You say you don't know what you should do about "the whole mess". It sounds like the "whole mess" doesn't really involve you at all. It appears that she views you as a friend, and that she is more interested in your friend for romantic purposes. I don't see where you will improve your position with either person if you inject yourself into their "relationship".
If I were you, I'd look for someone else to persue. Long distant relationships are tough. An intercontinental relationship boggles my mind. I'm sure the U.K. can supply you with the girl of your dreams.
Good luck.
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