A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently got back into the dating game. Met this girl, we saw each other for about 3 months or so. She had told me through conversation that she is still in touch with her ex bf who happens to live in a different part of the world. They dated for 4 years and almost got married but didn't. I later discovered she is also in touch with his family not JUST him. I wasnt happy with this, so I approached her about it, she said she like keeping in touch with everyone. I told her if she wanted to continue us she would have to eliminate contact with him and everyone else within his family. She agreed to it but never really acted on it. I have no way of knowing if they still talk or not. However recently discovered they still text each other, she told me it was just nothing as she claims she is over him. I'm hurt by this...I personally don't feel like continuing this....she has blamed me for not defining our relationship. Apparently I had never told her if I want a relationship or we're just hanging out...worst excuse ever...i think...please help
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female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (23 August 2010):
 I'm going to give you some insight to the girl world. Some girls hate being alone, in your first statement you get that. Your relationship is undefined, you guys appear to me open dating, like I said she can talk to, date or see whomever. In a situation like that, girls always seem to keep a few guys on what I call the back burner. Picture a stove you would be on the front burner, on medium-high heat (meaning she's into you), this ex now friend would be on the back burner not even turned on-a simmering flame (he's there because he's an ex and there's potential). Remember this isn't every girl, for this girl it is. To avoid these situations, this is where you must either decide for a relationship or not. If you can't shit get off the pot, you my dear have been constipated for 3 months. Usually I give it, a month before defining one's relationship that's about the norm. Dating is such murky waters, it's the getting to know you part but you have to set boundaries and draw lines if you want to be more exclusive. I don't agree with her lying that makes her look untrustworthy..but she said that to make you happy, like she wanted to avoid the confrontation. But you're also wrong for telling her she can't talk to them. Like I said the only thing you can do is ask her. With all that being said, in addition my opinion and Seeing Stars, I think you've already got your mind made up about her if you've been dating her this long and are still undefined then you're not that in to her as you think. You would've decided that 2 months ago. Listen to your doubts on this one.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the feedback.
I understand due to my indecisiveness she may have still decided to hang on to her past just in case if this doesn't work out, she will still have him or something. The first time I brought the issue up she had told me that she would remove his contact information and avoid contacting him. Isn't that a lie considering the communication is still going on? Why would one even date someone else if that person is still not over her ex especially when they had a bad breakup. It just doesn't make sense to me. Trust is something that has to be strong from the beginning or else there is no point in even having a relationship. I'm hurt but mostly confused as to how people's logic works.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2010): She could be telling the truth, and may simply be friends with her ex and have no other feelings towards him. But it is understandable that you would be concerned about it, and regardless of what is going on between them she is still not being very considerate of your feelings. It is a tough one, because if she wants to stay in contact with her ex, there is no way you can stop that. I think you have to either accept it and try to trust her, and see how things go. Or if you can't, and this will be a problem for you, then I don't think it will work. I get the sense that you know that already though, as you have said you don't feel like continuing this. And if things are this way so early into the relationship, then it doesn't sound like a good start to me. It might be better to just move on.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (22 August 2010):
Well not exactly, you guys are in the undefined gray area of dating. So she is free to talk to anyone she pleases or to date anyone else. Unless you stated that your exclusively dating..Think of this way, he is on the other side of the world and your here with her now so you have the upper hand my dear. I suggest that you define your status with her 3 months is about time to decide, and if you pursue a relationship then all you can do is tell her that talking to her ex makes you uncomfortable and ask her not to during your relationship. You can't tell her what to do or who she can talk to because ultimately she's going to do what she wants and has already proven so. If she agrees to respect what you ask then by all means pursue a relationship with her, however if she doesn't and you don't want to deal with then let her go. Hope it works out for the better!
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