A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,Just looking for some advice from anyone who might have been in a similar situation to me. My same sex partner and I have been in a relationship for 3 years. Most of the time we are great together and are loving and caring. The only thing we seem to disagree on is sex. We have similar sex drives and usually would have sex about twice a week. The problem is my partner will not let me initiate sex. When she wants sex that is fine and we both enjoy it. I know that both people should want to and I'm not saying that she should have sex if she doesn't want to. Every time I make a move she gets mad.I mean really quite angry. I used to be able to do something romantic or sexy and most of the time she would reply positivley. In the last few months if I have attempted anything at all ( I really mean anything )she yells and tells me off for wanting to. I have tried everything! I have tried just cudling, being romantic, dressing up, being casual, different moves, sending pictures, surprising her, foreplay,talking dirty etc and nothing works.I have tried not wanting to, or not initiating it but all it leads to is me eventually feeling bad that I am not allowed to express myself or have my needs and desires recognised. I am not unnattractive. I have a good body. When I have brought up the issue she just gets mad and says that why should I get it when I want.I have asked if she is feeling stress at work or any other issues but it is not that. I dont know what to do. It makes me feel undesirable. We still have sex, but only if she initiates it. If i do make a move then she will be mad for at least two or three days. Has anyone else had this with their partner?
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (29 October 2011):
 Ask her then why she should also 'get it' when she wants it?
She sounds horrible.
I don't know. I would be tempted to tell her to get lost, myself. I think she is reducing the relationship to platonic. You might have to get used to it. She obviously has some huge hang-up(s) somewhere there.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (29 October 2011):
Hi there. What really needs to happen here, is for you and her to sit down together and have a heart to heart talk about how things are. It's the only way you are going to work things out properly.
You have tried all sorts of different approaches to the problem, but to no avail.
There has to be a solution.
Is it possible that she might be seeing someone else, do you think? I'm looking at it from all angles.
You have said that it isn't stress in her job, because she has confirmed that for you.
So maybe the problem isn't to do with sex at all.
Sometimes couples have some differences that originate from a lack of communication. Any misunderstandings can definitely translate to problems in the bedroom, for sure.
So perhaps you need to look deeper.
Maybe as you think back, there might have been a time where you can say - things changed after this happened. It was after that event, that you noticed a change in her.
Some careful consideration could bring some clues to you as to why it is this way regards you initiating sex with her.
Perhaps she feels controlled by you in some way. Like maybe you always like to get your own way in decision making in your relationship. She might feel that she doesn't have any say in things. Or at the very least, practically none.
It's things like this that need to be carefully considered when finding a solution.
Perhaps she feels that she's the one in the relationship who does all the giving. She might feel that she gives more than she gets from the relationship. I am speaking generally - not about sex. I'm talking about in the relationship and who does what.
For instance, who does the household chores - vacuuming, cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking, washing dishes and wiping up, taking out the garbage bins? Who mows the lawn? And how about the finances and bill paying - do you both pay half each?
In a relationship, it might seem like the problem is only in the bedroom. However it's often where you see the symptoms of the real problem - which is almost certainly NOT in the bedroom at all.
So you might have to stretch your thinking to see what is at the very core of the problem you are having now.
Another clue to finding the reason, is to look at what you argue about most commonly?
If one of you complains to the other about something they did or DID NOT do, what is it that you and her complain about the most? It's likely to be the very same things almost every single time.
(1) What do you complain about the most to her?
(2) What does she complain about the most to you?
If you can answer these two questions, you might be well on the way to finding a solution, once and for all.
Yet another possibility to finding a solution, could be that perhaps she feels that you take her for granted. She might not feel appreciated the way she would like to be appreciated.
She might feel that you and her don't go out enough and have fun. Perhaps you and her just sit at home all the time and watch tv, instead of occasionally going out together and seeing a show or visiting friends. She might feel in a bit of a rut.
There are so many possibilities.
From now on you could make some close observations of her and what seems to make her happy and what doesn't - generally speaking, that is. Then at least, you will gain a greater understanding of what makes her tick.
First of all though, you must have that talk I first mentioned and see what she feels about sex. Her expectations. Likes and dislikes. To at least get some sort of idea about how she feels towards sex and making love. You really need to do this - sooner rather than later.
Don't delay it any longer.
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