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male
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anonymous
writes: Hi, I've been going out with this girl for close to 8 months, I love her dearly with all my heart. We were really close friends for a very very long time before this. About 3 months into our relationship, which is 5 months back, she cheated on me and did some stuff with another guy. It hurt extremely at the time but I got over it in time. Even though I still think about it, our relationship is messed up and not the same. We constantly fight because she has no trust in me, because she believes I might be cheating on her to get back at her, or just with her because I don't want to hurt her, or even just using her to get back at her. She refuses to believe that I just love her and want to leave everything in the past, thought I do still think about it a lot, I still love her. What should I do to help the situation?
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female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (7 July 2005):
 This all sounds like shifting the blame... making an excuse to cheat. Many cheaters do this to make themselves feel better, the ones that make the noise about it so to speak are the ones that are doing it. Either that or she is now insecure thinking that you are going to get her back for what she did. You need to really clear the air.. make her swear that she will never do it again, explain you have no intention of cheating and that you have to draw a line under this if you are to make your relationship a success. You need closure before you can move on or you will remain in a circle and not getting very fair. Clear this up once and for all and then focus on the good things that you can do together.. if this doenst seem to change how she feels then for both your sakes you may need to move on.. she needs to understand though that she had betrayed you and you are the one thats bruising and hurt, and she stop showing the guilt she feels in this way of making out its you in the wrong. Until you have cleared the air you will remain unhappy, let her know that you love her and that you want to make a go of it but cant if she wont let go and make the effort.
Take care
A
reader, NordicBeauty +, writes (7 July 2005):
I've experienced mates who have been cheaters.
Part of them feels relieved to get caught because of guilt.
Another part of them resents the person who caught them, because their "taboo fun" is exposed & revealed.
Finally, some cheaters entertain the thought of doing it again, or actually go out & have another affair.
If they DO have another affair, they are fearful of their mate finding out again, so they TRANSFER their insecurities
to their mate & try to make them feel guilty instead.
The mate is so busy trying to defend & protect themselves,
it forces them off balance & fills them full of confusion.
There is an age old quote:
"The best defense is a great offense."
If someone constantly ATTACKS your integrity for no reason, when they KNOW you are trustworthy, it is usually because THEY are the ones who are Guilty....again.
I would advise sitting down with your mate & have a Heart to Heart, Eye to Eye conversation...be firm & concise.
Ask her "point blank" if she's been cheating again.
At first she will deny it & vehemently declare NO !
Be brave & tell her you KNOW she is trying to transfer her guilt to you...observe her reaction closely.
With all my heart, I hope for your sake, that she is not having another affair...but as I said at the start of my answer...I've had experience...I have built in radar for Lies, and when someone Attacks me for no reason, 9 out of 10 times they are guilty...I pray your case is an exception to the rule !
All the best,
(hugs)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2005): honestly, I have no idea why shes so worried about you cheating, shes the one that did you wrong. It sounds like to me shes using that as an excuse to avoid becoming serious w/ you, and that your more into her than she is you. If anything she should be kissing up to for the wrong shes done if she really wanted it to work, not bothering yall's relationship w/ accuzations of you cheating on her or using her as a rebound. REMEMBER, she used you and was dishonest. Her issue w/ this will put a strain on your relationship and you'll get tired of hearing her same excuse of why she supposedly doesnt want to get serious w/ you. she just doesnt sound ready & if she doesnt come to terms then you might as well end it and stop wasting time
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