A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi i'm in a dilemma.I'm married and sought a male confidante (who is married)online almost 1 year ago..it was wonderful..being able to share everything.He did share things also but after awhile.1 month ago, we met for a few hours. Initially just chatting in general then he said he didn't plan on it but he had an urge to kiss me.I said ok..if we're still friends afterwards to which he said we'll always be friends.Things got carried away and we had sex.He sent me a text saying it was a perfect day.I don't expect anything but just feel as though he's avoiding me, as i've asked him to let me know when i can call him up. - i'm still waiting.should i let him know that he's under no obligation. should i let him know i enjoyed it.should i let him know that i value his friendship.would appreciate some male input on this one especially. thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): Why not divorce your husband? Or are you using him for security?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): Wow male anon, excellent advice. You call it like it is, wonder what the OP thinks
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): There's a difference between friend, confidant, F_k buddy, and f.w.b. Looks like you have went from conficant to F_K buddy ??
You say you don't have any expectations from him then you say you want him to let you know when you can call him again?? Sounds like you are wanting a F_K buddy or fwb...
Without putting too fine a point on the issue,, you already have a F_K buddy/Friend/confidant all rolled into one,, called Husband..
First suggestion... figure out what you are not, or feeling you are not receiving in your marriage. Make a list, run thru all the emotional words,,"caring/understanding/support/passion/etc.. then figure out if you are receiving those from your husband. If you're not you need to sit and explain to your husband the things that you are needing/desiring and not getting in your marriage.
If having sex with this confidant/F_K buddy was just to break the sameo-sameo and have some hot wild monkey sex,,, you should be talking about the 'boring sex' with your husband and figuring out how to spice up your sexlife with your husband.
If you're just not wanting to be married or have completely fell out of love with your husband you owe your husband the respect to tell him that too. And, either work together to fix your marriage or get divorced.
Please give your husband the same respect you would expect from him. How would you feel if your husband was having hot monkey sex with another woman ?? Think it would bother you ?? I'm guessing it would.
Don't use the B.S. term "affair" cheating is cheating it doesn't matter if the "cheater" is the wife or husband. ( I notice women always refer to their FB sex as an affair,, but if the husband is having FB sex it's called cheating..)
Fix your marriage first if it's fixable, if not then move on,, On your own, not when your married. You and your husband owe each other that much respect.
It is strange you did not mention any indication of feeling guilt. I think your marriage is more "dead" than you are willing to admit. You are having more emotional attachment to sex with your F_K buddy that you are admitting too...
If it was just a once in a lifetime thing (which I highly doubt..) hold on to the memory,, but move on with your marriage and hopefully your husband does not find out.
You may find you have alot of time to find F_K buddies if your husband finds out and isn't very understanding....
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A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (3 February 2010):
 Why would you want to tell him this? You don't provide this simple information. To say you enjoyed sex with him has nothing to do with how you value his friendship, by the way, just to clear that up. I'm afraid this is more than friendship, also. And that you seem a little confused and possibly dishonest with yourself, about what you sought when you became involved in this affair, and what you expect to accomplish by maintaining it. Where does this lead you? You also mention nothing about your husband so we don't know what he is like, do you care if he finds out, why, why not, etc.A child can get away with doing something 'by chance' but I do hope you have a plan and don't do things unplanned as your lover says was his case (was it?). Your reason is probably that you want to continue the affair. Maybe you only need attention? Is this something your hubby is bad about? This should have been discussed with your husband, so he knows what is missing and that you want to feel more attended and more important, in case he neglects to provide this for you.Your confidant is probably avoiding you because he is not that great a person. Maybe you should see your husband as a confidant and tell him what goes right and wrong, what areas in your marriage need to be addressed and need more attention, a little or more fixing, etc. It can be quite easy for a stranger online to show you the attention you appear to need, during a few chats. Your husband is supposed to show and express his care and dedication in a constant manner, and that is more difficult. Sometimes things get too comfortable and you have to clue your partner in the areas he is not very good at, the ones that make you feel sensitive, so there is a chance at improving.You might as well go on with your affair or find someone else who you are able to 'share everything' with but I wonder, why you do not mention anything about hubby and why isn't he a good candidate for making you happy, without the extra drama implied by affairs, because they are as you can witness not pain-free... at all. You must motivate yourself to take action depending on where you expect your life to be... I'd still like to hear more about your reasons and if you really think the affair solves your problems and in what ways.
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