A
female
age
30-35,
*xljxx
writes:This is gonna be a long one guys I don't know where else to turn to to get peoples thoughts and advice. really hope I can get some advice here over my troubles with myself my boyfriend and his ex ...I've been with the b.f for nearly 4 years now. I have a 2 year old and 9 week old. Before becoming pregnant the first time round our sex life was brilliant apart from one thing.. At the start of the relationship he asked if I liked to dress up and I said yes because I did and I was confident about it, so I did.. He turned out the light and we just had sex in the dark.. Which left me feelin :/ Then the second time I did it as a surprise for him .. He couldn't even get aroused.. I ended up sacking it off n crying in the shower lol :/ I've never dressed up since! Then wen I became pregnant the first couple of month was ok but then I got too big to get really kinky so we just did it (sorry of this is tmi) doggy style and I swear ever since that first night doing it just like that, that's how it's been ever since.. Just wam bam thank ya mam I don't enjoy it I rate it 2/10. I just don't understand what's wrong?? I feel like it's me that I'm not good enough, sexy enough, and this is where the ex comes in.. Tonight a girl I've just met from working who was best friends with his ex back then got talking to me about them both.. And she began to tell me about their sex life, how the ex would always dress up and how they would always drive to crazy places n have sex over the bonnet of the car n do all this hot dirty stuff..my b.f dosnt even touch me or kiss me wen we have sex. What have I done for it to be like this? I feel as though I'm not good enough for him n not up to standards. I can't stop thinkin about this it's really got to me. My confidence was already at a low because of our sex life but now it's at it's lowest I don't know what to do or think or say.. Some of you reading this might think this post is a joke or pathetic but I really need some advice here.. My relationship is on the rocks please help!! Xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2013): No one would ever think your post is a joke. This is a serious relationship issue that is pretty common among couples.
What may have ruined things for you; aside from what you've personally experienced with your boyfriend, is the gossip offered by your co-worker.
You should never compare your relationship with his former relationships. He could probably pick out a few things you enjoyed with other men, that you don't offer him. So don't go there. You were with different people, at different times. There were different meanings to each involvement.
It only has something to do with your relationship; because you made it your business to listen to that woman. Why a co-worker could know so much, and be so happy to reveal what she knows; says she must be a real character. I had another name in mind.
"Bitch" is the word.
Don't discuss your sex-life with strangers outside your marriage. If she told you what she knows, she'll tell others what you've told her. She isn't a qualified therapist or your mum. You shouldn't even tell your sister!
You and your partner have been together a long time; compared to most couples. You expressed how weird you felt doing some of the kinky little things he likes. You have to take into account his other girlfriend was less inhibited.
They did different things, and they were all over the place. She was a very adventurous and experimental female.
She had fewer hangups, and that was over four years ago.
He's with you now. He does things according to how it works for you. Not her. He may respect you a lot more. Please consider that. You have his babies.
After being with someone for four years or so, living in a more domestic situation with two kids, sex will become less experimental and more traditional. Even routine if you let it. You can spark it up anytime you can. But baby's feeding time comes, and you don't have a lot of time or energy.
You are more of a husband and wife, than a wild couple of teens experimenting with sex. Sex is now becoming what you do to satisfy your partner, with very little enthusiasm. You think he doesn't notice that?
There are kids in the house, you rarely sleep. You both have full around-the-clock responsibilities raising your babies and work.
You're now past the honeymoon stage of your relationship.
You're now domestic partners. So he's not offering kisses and touching you like he did when you were a new couple.
Now it's coming home from work, a shower, eat dinner, TV, to bed, sex, to sleep. Typical of a contented domesticated household.
Things tend to plateau at some point for all couples. He still likes to do kinky things. You feel ":\" = creeped out, about his tastes. The dressing up doesn't come easy, and he knows it doesn't; but still appreciates that you do it.
He has toned down his ":\" sex, for your sake. You're somewhat responsible for that. So now it's your responsibility to come up with ideas to resuscitate what
you stifled.
The most important thing, and toughest, is to ask for his opinion. Men do not express their feelings openly. We are uncomfortable exposing our emotions. Why doesn't he like kissing? Is sex too bland? Are you giving him the responses that get him aroused? Is there something he misses that you can add and get things really hot? What can he do for you to make you more receptive and submissive?
It's a two-way street. You think what he likes is weird.
After four years, you can read your partner. The silence is deafening. He knows you think the dressing up is twisted, so he has to feel inhibited and internalize his emotions.
The things outside the most traditional act of sex has to be enjoyed by both partners. If one is inhibited, the other feels deprived. You deprive him of his kinky treats, he deprives you of your affection. So you're at an impasse.
Discussion between two loving people will workout all the kinks. Excuse the pun.
Approach the discussion without rebuking him for what he likes. Considering you know his darkest secrets. You have the upper-hand and can use it in a positive way. Just don't let outside influences poison what you've built together.
No more in-depth discussions with that woman. She is toxic, and her venom is poisoning your mind. She might even be doing it deliberately to spite your husband. Remember, she is the friend of his ex, not yours. What possible good motive would she have to be telling you such rubbish? She'll run back to inform his ex your relationship is in trouble. Do you want or need that? NO!
Just before sex is not the time to start such a loaded conversation. He'll lose the mood; because you'll be as emotional as your post clearly shows. You'll both be on the defensive and an argument may ensue.
You set up a time to talk. Don't fill it full of tension or make it too pointed. Make it intimate and easy. He'll be more open if you don't make it like he's being cross-examined. DON'T YOU DARE BRING UP WHAT THAT WOMAN TOLD YOU.
Do not discuss your marital problems with strangers.
You're both very young. That is to your utmost advantage.
You're a mother, so you're overwhelmed; and so is he. You've taken on big responsibility at such a young age.
Let your instincts takeover. You know him well. What you both like. So use imagination to make it work. You need his input, and guys with a kinky side are usually willing to tell you what he likes sexually. Just be open-minded and compromise. How you receive the information determines how open he can be. Make him an offer.
More kissing, and foreplay, he'll get more va-va-va-voom!!!
Good luck, my dear!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2013): It's not a joke.
First.. What 'friend' would tell you a out your partners sed life before you met. She is no friend!
I would say it was because he now see you as a mother and with some men the sexual attraction can be less then what it was before you had your kids BUT you said he was like it before..
Have you tired spicing it up since and putting your self out there one more time. Maybe you could try that and if you can't because your confidants is so low I think the only thing you can do is ask him. Tell him to be honest. I really feel for you sex is so important in a relationship and even more so when you have has children.
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