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Is my girlfriend cheating? if so, how do I get her to admit it? Then what?

Tagged as: Cheating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 February 2010) 9 Answers - (Newest, 21 February 2010)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My girlfriend and I have been together for over 4 years and recently I've become very suspisious that something is going on behind my back. I have come home from two trips out of state to find her not wearing her necklace I gave her that she swore she would never take off as long as I loved her. On my last trip, I came home early with only two hours notice (I did this on purpose) and the first thing I noticed as I walked in was her putting the bedsheets in the dryer. She said it was because she had her (female) friend stay over and she knows I think she's gross. She also said that she rented a movie while I was gone "for me" that she's seen a million times and thought I would want to see it....24 hours before I was said I was coming home (wasn't supposed to be back for a week). While I was on the trip, phone calls went unanswered, stories had holes in it, and since I've been back affection from her is at an all time low. I've discovered she's made visits to friends and lied about only to get found out later and I just don't know how to handle this. I think the problem is I love her too damn much to put it all together. What's the verdict? Advise?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2010):


I did some snooping because I started catching her in more and more lies and found through a letter she wrote on facebook (great way, and on valentines day no less) That I was right about the weekend I was away. She did have a guy over and she did cheat on me, not once, not twice, three times. Amazing. Here's to good gut instinct.

I confronted her with her own words decribing every little detail to her friend and of course the relationship is over. I've moved out and am moving on. Thanks for all the advise everyone!

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (15 February 2010):

Laura1318 agony auntYou need to make sure that you have concrete proof that your girlfriend is cheating or just merely raising your suspicions or forcing the issue out in the open with her will cause your relationship to be very rocky or even suffer a bigger and worse fate.

Relationship will have wear and tear after some time and you need to work at it.

It is pointless to force her to admit it because it will show that you have lost your trust in her and you cannot be sure how she will react or what is the outcome unless you are prepared for the worst.

The only thing you can do is to woo her more and spend more time with her. That way, you will find out the answer if she is cheating.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010):

I'd be suspicious too. Stores dont hang together, and little missing parts here and there, she's also been lying about going to friends for visits.

You don't even have to accuse her of cheating, simply accuse her of what you know for sure: the lying, the incomplete stories and her recent weird behaviour, the necklace she took off etc etc. Those things are good enough for you to raise the question on whether or not she's being good to you. You don't have to say you think she is cheating (as she could get pushed up in a corner by that and may never tell you the full truth). You could just say that her behaviour recently is putting you off, and that you need her to be completely open and honest with you about things. Maybe she will confess herself. Then there's also the chance that she's not been cheating, but is up to something else she's not eager to tell you about.

Maybe you could ask her "I know something is going on, and I need you to tell me what". If nothing changes and you are not feeling alright with the situation, it might be time to leave her.

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A male reader, DeadEyeDick United States +, writes (14 February 2010):

DeadEyeDick agony auntBro! Honestly, sometimes Ive (out of nowhere) started taking something that didnt happen in its natural usual order,(something tiny like a movie) and sub consciencely escelated it into a full blown cheating plot! where Ive literally known without a doubt my girl was cheating, talked myself into believing that theres no way she couldnt have been cheating, and eventually, I busted an ex! I believe this is a defense mechanism, from being cheated on countless times, it sucks, but I believe it's like a calous that grows over your skin to protect you, and what I did is very similar to what you might want to look into!I was actually going to drop a car off to a friend in Vegas!(not really)I first was just going to do this to relieve my own mind, but when she stupidly forgot to be curious as to why I was driving a car to give to a friend? and who did I know in Vegas? why did I have a car someone else needed? etc. when expected questions like those failed to get asked, and the mere "when do you think you'll be back" question was the only one asked, red flags werent even bothered to be raised, I drove over to a buddy(actually another ex, and her boyfriend the people that originally thought they saw my girl at the mall with someone) she didnt know them, or their Excursion, I politely pulled my Jeep in their garage, pulled out in their Excursion, and sat down the road from my house, well pretty much for 4 days, since she thought she had 7 days, and I not only had all the proof I needed the day after I left, I decided to just pretty much take in as much as I could, until I couldnt, I slept at my ex-ex's house, and just causally did drive bys, and just plain old stakeouts, even took the 2 of them with me once, I dont know, it was just to easy, and to mind blowing to even get me upset, kind of a boring way to bust her, but it worked! id recomend doing it and doing it quickly! that way you can rest easy either way!

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A female reader, not confusious New Zealand +, writes (14 February 2010):

first of all i dont think that is enough evidence for you to be jumping to the conclusion that shes cheating.

How long has she been wearing the necklace she promised you she'd never take off as long as 'you' loved her? Maybe she wanted to take it off while you were away cause its sometimes a relief to take a necklace off especially if you've been wearing it for a long time. I know that for a fact, and the surprise return homes you spring on her catch her off gaurd and she forgets to put it back on. Either that OR she feels you dont love her anymore.

It sounds like you are away a lot, and it is not uncommon for a women to have a girlfriend stay over for many reason, company being the main one. Dont you think if she wanted to, she could've just as easily hidden away the sheets till she could wash them at a more convienent time?

I dont really get what your trying to say bout the video but i have my favs that i would watch over and over again and never get sick of.

Phone calls go unanswered because she has a life..or doesnt she? Its easy to miss a call. Stories have holes in them because your so negative and sure she is cheating, you only see the holes. Shes scared you'll think she is cheating on you which is why she refrains from telling you that she visits "friends" and in an attempt to avoid an argument she'd rather not mention it. Dude, she is visiting friends so obviously you are going to find out, she knows this and its an innocent visit so whats the problem?? She feels you are being controlling by checking up on her and her affection is at an all time low because of the way your making her feel, no doubt her self esteem is at an all time low too because of it. If she was having an affair or cheating on you, i could assure you, her affection will probably be at an all time high.

Your offending her by all your suprise visits home as your implying shes cheating on you when an actual fact, shes probably sitting at home counting down the days till you return, only to be dissapointed by your attitude when you do.

Do you have no trust for her? If not then you need to work on this. You sound kinda insecure to me. But thats just my opinion as my partner use to accuse me of petty things like that when really there was nothing suspect about anything i was doing.

Talk to her and try sort it before you push away. good luck

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A female reader, Moo's Mum New Zealand +, writes (14 February 2010):

Moo's Mum agony auntI agree this does sound a bit dodgey (New Zealand slang for suspicious) and usually I feel your gut instinct is often not wrong. The fact that you have caught her out in lies to you means she is not totally committed to you as you are to her. Proceed with caution and gather as much dirt as you can without becoming an obsessed nutter, in fact you need to go about this in the most calm and relaxed manner you can possibly muster. I'm quite sure you will gather enough to make an informed decision about this girl.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010):

If something feels wrong, theres a good chance that something is. You can either confront her about it or try and find out yourself, maybe come home without any notice next time? Its a touchy subject and unless you've got some solid evidence she's likely to be offended and angry, which will just make things worse and her more distant. Just dont drive yourself crazy thinking about it because theres a good chance its nothing and after 4 years its best to give her the benefit of the doubt. Best of luck.

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A male reader, redneck9407 United States +, writes (14 February 2010):

If you are finding out that she is lying to you then that is a big problem in itself. If you are in a serious relationship with her and she is doing that then there is a problem. About your suspicions on her cheating. There is always the way to find out by lying and tell her the next time you go out of town you will be longer then you will be and come home "early" to surprise her. Or you can just ask her. Chances are that she will tell you no even if she is cheating. But with what you have said it does sound as though she is with someone else. Honestly, I do know a lot to tell you simply because I do not want to give you bad advice. I do know what I would do in this situation because my ex-fiance cheated on me after we where engaged. I hope everything works out man, I also hope that you find she is not cheating and she is just having some issues with something else.

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A female reader, adamantine Australia +, writes (14 February 2010):

adamantine agony auntHonestly, you need to go with your gut feeling on this. Ask her about it and if you can tell she's lying, question her. Maybe seek couples counselling. Ask your gf what she wants.. it may be that her emotional needs are lacking. I'm sorry this had to happen :(

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