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anonymous
writes: I am 23 years old and have a problem. I have never been in a relationship with a girl before and think its time to do something about it. Because I come from a strict muslim family, I did not want to have a girlfriend when I was younger and I also lacked confidence at school and college. But I can't deny my feelings for women and I want to find the right girl and then consider marriage. I was always embarassed to talk about this before, but now that I'm a grown man I don't have a problem. I like girls who are not just beautiful, but who are determined to succeed in all aspects of life(career, family, friendships, marriage) I prefer muslim girls, but I don't have a problem dating others. I want to share my life with someone who will be my best friend and I want to be her best friend aswell. People keep telling me the girl will come and to just let it happen, but it never does. Each girl I like is not interested or gets going with another man. This used to cause me to think that I'm not good looking enough or charming enough, which is another reason why I never had luck with girls before. Maybe I am too negative about girls and relationships and think the wrong things. I don't have a problem talking to girls and I do my best to be as confident and charming as I can be. Is it just a case of luck ? I don't want an arranged marriage. What can I do to find the right girl ? Deep down I know there are lots of girls out there and I know I can get the girl I want, but in my experience they don't seem to exist. Maybe, I'm too negative and hesitant.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (13 February 2005):
 I'm glad that you have sensible standards in potential partners and that you're looking for a women with intelligence and confidence to share your life.Finding a satisfying relationship isn't solely a matter of "luck" (though being in the right place at the right time can sometimes be a help). Even wealth and good looks aren't vitally important, because most women are looking for a partner who is kind, loving and can make them laugh. So, mostly it's a matter of getting out and meeting people - yes, people, of both sexes - who share your interests and values. When you have a network of friends and associates who know that you're interested in meeting eligible women, you'll find that your friends' sisters, nieces and cousins will be coming out of the woodwork, wanting to meet you!You write that you were raised in a Muslim household, so if you want your partner also to share your faith you should be mentioning your availability to members of your mosque. You're right that loving, long-lasting relationships are built first from friendships, so don't forget that you can find women as friends first, without considering any of them as a potential wife. Good places to meet women-friends will be any place that attracts people with your interests. If you were a body-builder, you'd be looking to make friends at the gym. Likewise, if you're a fan of 60's folk-music, you'd want to look to meet people at concerts. "Trekkers" will be at Sci-Fi conventions. Think about what interests you and try to be where others with the same interests will be. In other words, be open to meeting women just as friends, and from there, you might also develop a romantic attachment. For what it's worth, you sound enlightened and well-grounded to me, not negative and hesitant. Just don't take it all too seriously. It's about getting to know yourself and knowing other people and it can take years. Fortunately, you're still quite young. Nobody would be worried if you still weren't married by the time you're 30, so don't sweat it yourself.Have fun!
A reader, unknown, writes (12 February 2005): A woman doesnt have to be beautiful on the outside she can be beautiful on the inside. dont just assume a pretty girl is a good girl. same with a girl that doesnt appear pretty.listen with your heart not with your brain. you can make bad mistakes like that. dont jump at every women there is just let your heart do the searching, your heart do the thinking and you'll end up with the perfect womam.lol
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