A
male
age
36-40,
*ners01
writes:Ok I'm going to try and and simplify this story as much as possible however, it is going to be quite a long read.I'm 21 years old at the moment and I have had only one girlfriend my entire life. We were in a relationship for 6.5 years. Amazingly enough the relationship has been long distance (for 4 out of the 6.5 years)and there is also an age gap between us (of 4 years).I have been raised with a lot of ethics and have always been extremely mature for my age, with vast wisdom and intellect when it comes to most situations however, this single situation I seem to be at an end for answers.I am the male in the relationship,(I'm also the younger of the two). I have strived to make things workout in our relationship for years, through long distance and many other obstacles. I decided to move out at 18 (Across country) for her to make her happy, I wanted to make her happy however with some personal problems in my life I was unable to achieve very high marks in my schooling so when I moved out there to satisfy her I could not find what I wanted to do in life. I spent 2 long years living out there, traveling back and forth trying to please family, her and myself. I gave utterly everything I could, but with the age difference also came with a difference in stages of life (at that point, when I was 18). I moved out there feeling useless because I was unable to support her as a male. I could not find what I wanted to do, and put myself in a terrible postion trying to make her happy.I now, have moved back home to upgrade my schooling so I can become successful in life. HOWEVER, the last year of our relationship when we ran into a lot of problems, I became exceedingly curious how OTHER females may have dealt with some of the issues.For example, she has a temper. She gets mad over little stupid things sometimes and I just started asking myself "Would other females get so mad at someone that gave literally their entire lives to make them happy?". It really pisses me off seeing some of the nicest women being abused by men that fail to provide for their needs whatever they might be. If I gave other women half of what I did for her, then they'd be happy I'm sure.I am not a player, or cheater. I have remained monogamous throughout our 6 years and given her my heart and soul fully. I have google'd similar stories about this type of situation before I submitted my own and have found just a bunch of immature males seeking sex with other females or "curious how it would feel". For any female readers I can simply say that I'm really not looking in that type of direction. I'm sort of getting offtrack here, basically the bottom line is I broke up with her, February 2010 to be exact. She has been pursuing me ever since, trying to get back together with me. She traveled her recently crying her brains out and wanting to get back with me however, I am hesitant for the following reasons.#1 - I am tired of the distance and the past memories of traveling sort of haunt me.#2 - I sort of enjoyed my freedom (for the past 3 months)The clincher is that shes not a terrible person, she was NICE to me (we all have personality flaws) and I do STILL love her, HOWEVER I am really curious to see how a local relationship would be where I don't have to travel all the time, there isn't the huge gap in stages of life (shes ready for marriage + kids and I'm still in school) and just to see how someone else deals with things.I admitted to her that I am curious about other relationships and she told me that it was fine if I went and tried them out however, if we weren't together as a couple she would not talk to me. She said she wouldn't talk to me because it is too hard to get over me if we talked as friends.She said I could look around but if I realized that she was the one for me, she may be with someone else by then and it would be forever gone.I feel so pressured to make this decsion.... It hurts me so much to think of her with other people but I am so tired of the situation plus the curisosity is eating my heart out.Bottom line is I'm scared if I stay single, she finds someone else and is gone forever which hurts. But at the same time commiting myself to this situation again hurts becuase I truly want to explore whats out there (not to sleep around but just to see how other women may treat my heart). I feel so confused... Any input on this situation would be helpful.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 June 2010):
 Forgive me,my friend,but right now you are not showing a lot of ethics and wisdom and intellect.
You basically would like to have your cake and eat it too!
What would you like, to keep your girlfriend patiently waiting while you go out and try out for size different kind of women so see if they fit better- and if they don't you'd go back to her ?
I am not surprised she does not agree with that, who would ?'?
Your dilemma is - if I let her go, she may find somebody else. If I stay with her, I'll feel I am missing out. And you feel "pressured " to decide...
Darling,that's a curious way to see it. This is not about pressure,it's about learning to make choices. If you get offered a job in your town and another abroad- you can't take them both, you have to value pros and cons and make a choice. If you need to pick an apartment out of two which you both like, you can't rent them both.
This is simply how life works, it's not your gf pressuring you.
Personally I feel you are more inclined to stay single ,even if you don't quite admit it. For the simple reason that if you really loved your girlfriend you would not be so curious about other women- or you would easily and gladly sacrifice this curiosity for the sake of your relationship. But that's just my impression.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): It sounds to me like you are a very mature and intelligent guy for your age. The commitment you have shown to your girlfriend is tremendous, and I applaud you for it.However, I wonder if, in a sense, your whole dilemma stems from the fact that you've been trying so hard to act like a mature adult a decade and a half older than your actual age, during a time of life when it's normal and perhaps even healthy for young men to experiment and make mistakes? You've tried to shoulder the burden of someone much older than yourself, when you haven't been in a position, emotionally or financially, to do so. It must have taken some guts to do that, but you've also set impossibly high standards for yourself. The words you use to describe your relationship are all heavy with duty and responsibility, not about life and joy and fun. This suggests to me that your own high standards of behaviour (which are self-imposed rather than imposed externally by your ex-partner) have damaged the relationship. You feel that you have given too much, and almost blame your girlfriend for being less than perfect in return. Basically, the central underlying issue in your post is a feeling of being undervalued: you are asking yourself 'would other women appreciate me more?' First of all, I think you need to look inside yourself very deeply before you make a decision. Sometimes when we are angry or annoyed with partners, the grass can seem greener on the other side and other women or men can seem like angels of light. However, when you see just about anyone stressed, tired, frustrated or exasperated, you are likely to see a bit of weakness and/or temper. Be careful that you're not setting unrealistic and unfairly high standards for your girlfriend. You may also need to find out why you have such a need to feel appreciated. Is it that your girlfriend takes you for granted, or is it that you yourself have a need for external validation? If the latter, this may be a hole that no woman could fill, but something you need to work on yourself. You are clearly very driven by ideas of duty, but I suspect that you may be partly largely blaming others for demands that you are actually imposing on yourself. Maybe you need to learn to be a bit gentler and kinder to yourself, and to accept that you're not Superman? Finally, are you sure that you're seeing the situation from all sides? Is it true that your girlfriend's temper has always been out of order? It can be easy to think that we have maturity and wisdom, but we are only human and we all make mistakes and misinterpret the behaviour of others! Being too confident in our own judgement is perilous. You need to realize that there is a negative to each side of this dilemma. If you leave your girlfriend, you must accept that you may lose her forever. You cannot in all fairness expect her to wait around for you while you try other relationships with other people. One other thing to accept is the fact that if you are in other relationships, those women will change who you are and how you interact with the world, just as other guys will change who your partner is and how she sees life. Even if you were to reunite with your current ex, you might not be the same people. (However, being in a relationship is no guarantee that the same thing won't happen: many marriages break down because couples simply grow apart over time). I know that thought of losing your girlfriend is painful, but it's the kickback that you have got to expect if you make this decision. If that thought is absolutely intolerable, then you need to stay, because the regret of losing someone like that will dog you for years. If it's just a bit painful, but outweighed by the prospect of having some freedom, then, sad though it is, it is time to leave. But I think you also need to look at the outcome if you do stay. You are clearly wanting to explore other types of emotional relationship with women. What will be the consequences if you don't get to do that? Will you be able maturely to accept that the love you have with your girlfriend is more valuable than the experimentation? Or will you feel increasingly bitter and resentful, and possibly trapped? Will you eventually be driven to flirtations, maybe more, with other girls? (I know you have strong ethics, which is why this is so dangerous for you - the guilt would tear you apart). If any of those things might happen, you also have to think whether that would be fair on your partner too. In short, there's no easy answer to this, and only you can decide where your priorities lie. At the same time, there is no clear right or wrong answer. I wish you all the best as you try to make up your mind.
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