A
female
age
41-50,
*urprisemama
writes:[Mod Note - OP's own title]I was with my ex for a year and during that time he had a lot of issues that I stood by him for one of which was an alcohol addiction. He went to treatment and has been sober for over five months; shortly after he was out of treatment I was overwhelmed by all of the issues that had transpired previous and told him I needed space. during the time of space, we still hung out occasionally and had sex (oh did I mention that we work together?) and agreed that if we was going to date anyone else, he would let me know. however, I ended up pregnant (conceived in April) and found out on Mothers Day. I was confused and upset and things stayed as they were - hanging out, working together and occasionally having sex. I discovered a month later when I went to drop something off at his house that he was seeing someone else and she was staying at his house!!! I really want him to give us a chance to work things out and try to do this together . . . I have fallen into his bed a few times and I don't know how to stay away or how to win him back and every day is emotional. She has sent me nasty text messages (I texted her when I first found out about her to let her know that he had a pregnant ex-girlfriend which was not aware of) and certainly does not seem to be at all understanding about my carrying his child. I just want one more chance with him and I don't know how to make it happen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): It's very, very difficult to be in a romantic and loving relationship with an addict or a person who abuses alcohol or drugs.
A
female
reader, surprisemama +, writes (17 August 2010):
surprisemama is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wasn't seeing anyone ... I thought about a break before he went to rehab because i needed to deal with of all the drama caused by his drinking but I didn't want to abandon him during his treatment. So I was there for him every weekend as much as I could visit him nd took his son to visit him too.
The first day he got out of rehab - he relapsed and totaled his truck but wasn't hurt(I am quite confident he hasn't relapsed since) and at the time I was very concerned he wouldn't stay sober and it would be the same merry-go-round I had been on for the previous year. I have three kids from my marriage that I was thinking about as well.
Perhaps it was naive of me to expect that he would be honest with me about seeing other people; but I would have been or i wouldn't have agreed to it.
It just feels so unfair that I stood by him through so much and was there for him in so many ways (at work, at home, taking care of his 11 year old son, etc) and now it seems that he has abandoned me when I am pregnant and need his support.
I don't want to be with him when he has someone else moving into his house with her son. The entire situation is so screwed up.
His new girlfriend has threatened me and indicated that she doesn't care that I am pregnant with his child - if she ever catches me at his house, that I will be sorry. And I don't want her around my child - is that unreasonable of me??
Further, it is unreasonable for me to exclude him from this pregnancy (ultrasounds, dr appt, and the birth) or should I have him there?
It just ends up hurting more when I realize that I am on my own after he leaves the ultrasound. :(
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A
female
reader, surprisemama +, writes (17 August 2010):
surprisemama is verified as being by the original poster of the questionso much for happily ever after . . . my pregnancy journal is something that I will never share with this child. It sucks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): He may love you, but not deeply enough to the point where he will honor, respect and not cheat on you. It's not enough for him to just love you---I love pizza, but not to the point where I wouldn't eat other foods (I know this is probably a tacky example, but you get my point).
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): have friends around to help you. keep him as a back up.
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A
female
reader, surprisemama +, writes (15 August 2010):
surprisemama is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe doesn't say much except that he doesn't know why he is doing this and that he still does love me. but he calls, texts, comes to see me in my office (we work together) and wants to be involved.
He says he is going to be there for me and the baby but the two times that i have tried to call him when he has been with here because I was sick - he didn't answer and wasn't there. So I am very hesitant to rely on him.
Yet I want him to be involved and I want to share this with him for my sake but also for our baby's.
I am learning that I can only take one day at a time with this situation. It is hard.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): i'm wondering what he said when you told him u dont want to be a back up plan.
see pregnancy is tough and u cant do it alone so ask him for help.. whether he wants to be with you or not is another question.. but i think you'll feel better if he is atleast there for you.. so take that help.. which he seems to be offering.. if you can survive it and go through it alone .. its even better.. but if you think you need help, ask him.. cos it's his baby.. think about your situation right now..
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female
reader, surprisemama +, writes (12 August 2010):
surprisemama is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses. I appreciate the feedback.
Earlier this week, I told him I won't be his "back up plan" as hard as that is) and if he is going to be with her, we cannot be friends. And FYI . . . I have not made any contact with the new GF since I first notified her about things.
I have very mixed emotions about his involvement with the pregnancy right now as it hurts me to be around him . . . and of course makes me miss being with him. I don't want to deny him or our baby their rightful relationship but I am not sure how to be around him. He wants to be there at my ultrasound and at the delivery and I would love for him to be there but don't know that I can count on him and I am not sure if it will make the delivery more stressful.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): Don't wait for him to chose....YOU do the choosing. Stand up for yourself.....I know it's hard b/c you love the guy, but it will only get worse if you don't put your foot down NOW.
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female
reader, surprisemama +, writes (11 August 2010):
surprisemama is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have talked to him. He says that he still loves me and wants me but doesn't feel that I was there for him after his treatment. He wants to hang out and be with me when she is not around (she lives 1.5 hrs away currently).
Although I want to see him and love to be held by him and want to share being pregnant with him (like feeling the baby move, etc), I think it is probably self-destructive to do that while he is with someone else.
He wants the advantages of both of us but I have told him this week . . . it is either baby & me or her. This is very difficult for me to stay away from him but I feel it is the only way.
She has not moved in yet but probably will be in the next 2 - 4 weeks.
I guess I want to know how to get him to choose us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): You are his ex...therefore you have not say so over who he dates. I understand you both agreed to tell each other if you started dating someone else....but is he really dating this woman or is he just having a sexual relationship with her? Since he agreed to tell you, he should have kept him promise...in addition, a break, means just that A BREAK and you went wrong when you decided to have sex with this guy (unprotected at that) knowing you were on a "break" from the relationship. You should have kept your legs closed, and reduced the contact until he was able to straighten out his issues and had been sober at least for one year.
I don't think it's fair to this new woman in his life, that you should start going after him...I know you probably love him and was expecting to get back together, but you didn't..you chose to be a "lover" instead, and now you are pregnant and single. Also, STOP CONTACTING HIS NEW GF! She has nothing to do with you and you have nothing to do with her. The both of you are coming off as desperate when sending nasty text messages to each other--that is so un-appealing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): talk to him.. no other way..
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