A
female
age
30-35,
*udymtz
writes:My husband of one year is getting deployed in a few months. We just had a son. While pregnant, he was always looking at porn. It hurt me so badly. We had several talks (he did it more than once) and he FINALLY stopped right before the baby was born. Recently, weve had a break through in our marriage and are on a whole other trust level. Well, he requested some naughty pictures. I thought about it and gave in, but Im not completly naked in any of them. He wants me to be, and take some with him, and play with myself. And then he suggested the tape. I am concerned as to who make accidentally stumble on his Zune and see the pics and vid, although he says theyre safe in the device. He said the vid is a good idea cuz it will help him not watch porn in Iraq, which I know alot of guys will be doing. Im not very confortable with sex. I havent ben active that long. He respects my wishes but he asks alot. And I know it would mean alot. I dont know if I should just give in or not. But Im sure during the taping, Im going to be extremely uncomfortable. I dont know what to do.
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male
reader, Mr. Sensitive  +, writes (8 February 2009):
 Hey there,Just looked back in and saw your clarification.Please don't think you are an idiot. You aren't. You are really really stuck here.On the one hand you feel uncomfortable, and on the other hand you are wanting to make your husband happy.Your dilemma is real, and seeing your followup, I'm even more taken by how strongly you feel here.It seems like you have really made an effort to push past some of your boundaries. Not all of them, but everyone takes life in stages. Don't worry about it.Now you find yourself in another situation. I may be mis-hearing but it really sounds like he is being insensitive and even aggressive about this.Perhaps he is one of those who do addict to porn, or perhaps you are, out of fear, mis-reading his reaction. Either way it would be good to talk through some of your feelings with a counselor. I'm not saying that because I think there's anything wrong with you. It's just the best place to talk these things out with someone who can provide some perspective.Further, it sounds like you are feeling very self-conscious about sex in general. That's nothing new for much of the world either. You aren't alone, and that's another reason to speak to a counselor. Again, there's nothing wrong with you, but maybe there are things they may be able to help with. The difference in sex-drive between you and your husband. Common, common problem that has some far better answers than "put up with it".In the end, the only things we have are our ability to listen to our intuition, and our self-respect (whatever that means for you). State your boundaries clearly, and gently, explaining your reasons and feelings. It might not be an easy conversation, but this is no longer about porn. It's about him respecting your boundaries - a far more important conversation.In the meantime, while he's off on deployment doing whatever it is he needs to with his bunkmate's magazine collection, you could look at opening up your sense of self confidence. Not for him, but for you. Look into toastmasters (http://www.toastmasters.org/) to build your public speaking confidence, then move onto community theatre. You'll be amazed at the difference taking a few small chances with yourself (in a safe environment) can make.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2009): You don't like sex, you don't want him looking at porn, he's going far away..... men like sex.... I feel sorry for him.
Don't take the pictures, they make you feel uncomfortable, but how do you think your husband is going cope being so far away without any sexual outlet. He's gonna be having wet dreams and embarrassing himself. You got a lot of no's and don'ts, but no solutions to help a normal sexual man cope. Marriages where women dislike sex are very hard on a man.
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A
female
reader, judymtz +, writes (1 February 2009):
judymtz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI took some pictures in some lingerie and he loved them. But then he asked for naked pics. I told him I was uncomfortable and after a while of trying to coax me into it, he finally dropped it. He knows I'm uncomfortable. He REALLY wants them though. I WANT to give them to him and make him happy but I'm still unsure. Like, I'm almost embarrassed. When I told him that, he became upset, asking me why am I embarrassed when hes the only one looking at me. After reading the comments, thanks by the way, I am questioning my stupidity in the matter. I don't think I'm ready for the video but maybe the nude pics. He told me it's for him to get off on and that me being naked and having the video will help him and he wont need the porn. "Need." Thats what I hate. ANyways, I just cant see myself watching me have sex. I dont think Im very good although he disagrees. Im just too self concsious. An idiot, really. I just wish I could get over whatever it is holding me back. I want to help him and make him happy. I don't like having sex often and he does. I just... idk. I'm just lost.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): Ok, if that makes you uncomfortable, you should not do it and it would show in the video. My fiance has been in Iraq till 4 months ago and I had your same concern about sexy pics or videos and also felt a tiny bit uncomfortable with the whole idea of it.
I wasn't bothered about him watching porn because lads are lads and it is just healthy for them to watch porn as it is a way to let off steam, it is not meant to be disrespectful to you, trust me. Also, I would rather him watch porn, which is harmless rather than for example, go with a prostitute, like I know some deployed guys do.
Going back to what you can do, how about you tell him that maybe you need to get started in a softer way and then gradually build things up as you feel increasingly comfortable? Me and my fiance were writing sexy stories to each other where we'd imagined us in different situation and describe what we would do and such. It worked and even though the first attempts where milder and maybe a bit uneasy, with time we felt like to open up more and say more and it was easier.
Also, if you are concerned about other ppl finding the pics or videos, how about a web cam? if he has a laptop you could watch each other and just explain him that you need to be doing things gradually in order to be comfortable. With the webcam he cannot save the images and he can make sure you do stuff only when he's alone.
But trust me, give it a go, start with sexy underwear on webcam and telling each other how much you miss kissing and being togethr and making love. Say what you would do if he was there with you and it will gradually become less embarassing and really enjoyable.
Make sure he gives you time to build up to eventually giving him what he wants, if he loves you he'll understand and will appreciate your efforts and give you time to get to what he wants.
But please, allow him the porn, it is really harmless, it is a guy's thing and not that he wants to cheat. I always tell my fiance that if he sees anything he would fancy doing with me, I would be thrilled to know. And you know what? It has built a big trust between usd and sometimes he has got books with pics or videos (not too raunchy) that he showed me and we both enjoyed it. Now when for some reason we are not together, he said to me he doesn't even feel like watching porn cause he can only think about doing things with me. But if anything, he will look into things we talk about and research them and then show me and I am starting to do the same too. It adds a lot to our sex life and to our relationship. After all you and hi m have a baby together, so you must have had sex. Just try to give yourself a chance to enjoy yourself too. You will miss him too when he is deployed!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 January 2009):
 My husband asked for the same thing before his deployment and since I didn't want to do a sex tape, he didn't get one. I know just how good he is at forgetting things here and there, and I don't need for someone to sell/give a tape or CD to some amateur porn site.
I understand how you feel about porn. Most women assume men look at porn because they rather look at other women. That the wife isn't sexy enough or slutty enough or adventurous enough in the bedroom.
Guys are very visual. VERY. If they watched a porn and you ask then afterwards what the woman's tattoo looked like or what color eyes they would have no idea. They aren't looking at it that way.
What he is saying (by asking for a sex tape) is that you turn him on. That watching the two of you will be all the "porn" he'll need. That is a huge compliment. But if you aren't ready then you aren't ready.
What I did was mail him a couple pictures a month ( when he least expected it) of me in various sexy outfits with a description of what I'd like to do to him or him to me wearing that, when he gets home. He loved those. And added his own ideas and fantasies right back, which in turn I would add new photos and build on the "story". He's been home a month and a half and it's been pretty much daily sex with some 2-3 times a day. We have been married over 10 years, so you might think sex isn't so hot lol, BUT it is.
Do what you feel comfortable with. We all have certain limits. A partner needs to respect it.
Oh and btw, my hubby's been asking 11 years for a sex tape and I have been saying no just as long. I don't want to make one. Period. Just like I don't want to do a 3-some or screw a goat.. (last one is jsut a joke but it's a point) I believe there are PLENTY of other ways to show a spouse/partner how much you love them.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 January 2009):
My husband asked for the same thing before his deployment and since I didn't want to do a sex tape, he didn't get one. I know just how good he is at forgetting things here and there, and I don't need for someone to sell/give a tape or CD to some amateur porn site.
I understand how you feel about porn. Most women assume men look at porn because they rather look at other women. That the wife isn't sexy enough or slutty enough or adventurous enough in the bedroom.
Guys are very visual. VERY. If they watched a porn and you ask then afterwards what the woman's tattoo looked like or what color eyes they would have no idea. They aren't looking at it that way.
What he is saying (by asking for a sex tape) is that you turn him on. That watching the two of you will be all the "porn" he'll need. That is a huge compliment. But if you aren't ready then you aren't ready.
What I did was mail him a couple pictures a month ( when he least expected it) of me in various sexy outfits with a description of what I'd like to do to him or him to me wearing that, when he gets home. He loved those. And added his own ideas and fantasies right back, which in turn I would add new photos and build on the "story". He's been home a month and a half and it's been pretty much daily sex with some 2-3 times a day. We have been married over 10 years, so you might think sex isn't so hot lol, BUT it is.
Do what you feel comfortable with. We all have certain limits. A partner needs to respect it.
Oh and btw, my hubby's been asking 11 years for a sex tape and I have been saying no just as long. I don't want to make one. Period. Just like I don't want to do a 3-some or screw a goat.. (last one is jsut a joke but it's a point) I believe there are PLENTY of other ways to show a spouse/partner how much you love them.
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A
male
reader, Mr. Sensitive +, writes (30 January 2009):
This is a tough one. You're stuck between something you're not happy with him doing and something you're not happy doing yourself.
I have friends in the military and deployment is hard on every family. You make it work for you as a couple in whatever way you can.
It's difficult to speak about individuals (everyone's different after all) but generally speaking, men and women aren't wired for sex in the same way. Men (usually) have a higher sex drive, and often don't equate sex with love in the same way that women (usually) do. A few men become addicted to porn, yes, but for many it's simply looking at pictures of women so they can release. This may be doubly true of isolated soldiers on deployment, as you say. Pornography is probably a necessary part of the culture for any large group of lonely, scared guys. I personally find it hard to call that infidelity. I would also never expect my wife to never masturbate or fantasize about other men, even when we are in the same bed. I don't think humans work that way most of the time. Again, just personal opinion.
That said, you are still stuck with your dilemma. You don't like pornography, and you feel extremely uncomfortable taking pictures of yourself.
It's great that you are feeling so positive about where your marriage is right now. It's also great that he's coming to you and asking you to help him with his needs. That's really clear honest communication. But honesty doesn't always mean you'll be able to help. It does however give you an opportunity to give him one of two great gifts - permission to use pornography, or images of yourself.
It's not really fair to ask him to go away and not seek some pleasure with himself. It's also really unlikely.
You have a number of options:
1. tell him you can't help him and close the door of communication he opened with you by asking for your help. He'll use pornography while he's away, will feel guilty and won't talk to you about it.
2. tell him you understand his needs and appreciate his request but don't feel comfortable with taking pictures of yourself. Tell him he has permission to use porn while he's away. That's a real gift considering how you feel.
3. find a place in your heart where you understand that a picture or video is the only way you can be together sexually while he's away. Take the vid. Trust that he will keep them safe. That's an even greater gift.
It may sound like I'm advocating for #3, but I'm not. The deciding factor is how you feel. #3 is a huge leap of faith and you just may not be ready. Or you may - only you can decide. Don't do anything you know you can't live with. But understand that deciding to do nothing is the same as choosing #1. #2 or #3 are better choices if your relationship is about maintaining open communication and a healthy respect for both your needs.
If it helps, there is also the possibility of a technical fix to part of your dilemma. Spend some money and get something like an i-phone with a lockable interface. No one else will be able to see your pictures unexpectedly, just your hubby.
Good Luck!
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