A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi, im just looking for advice.. my husband and i have six years together. we met right after i graduated high school and got together. we met his uncles, aunts and cousins back in 2014. One of his cousins is my age. He is very handsome. The first time we met, he kept staring at me but would not talk to me. Whenever I caught him staring at me, he’d turn away.. i thought it was only because we were strangers and he didnt know me. I could feel his eyes on me.. That was all the first time and i couldnt stop shaking the feeling that there was a reason he was staring at me, and it had to do witj more than just strangers..then the second time we visited was back in April of 2017. We both had changed, yet i would catch him staring at me again. He sat mext to me during dinner, and his sister complimented my skirt (long skirt btw), and as she complimented me, i caught glimpse of him staring at me again, not my skirt but me.. as we left, he came in for a hug and called me cousin for the first time, yet i couldnt help but catch a glimpse of pain as he said cousin, almost like regret.. i love my husband, he is sweet and kind and his cousin has the outmost respect for him.. yet i feel somehow connected to his cousin.. like we have met before.. in another life perhaps.. like if it was supposed to be us, but somehow fate changed and it hurts both of us.. i cant stop thinking about him, he even comes in my dreams (nothing sexual at all) just like if he was my partner and we had a life together.. I would never think of hurting my husband, especially not like this. Yet somehow, after meeting his cousin, i feel so empty.. like part of me is gone.. i have never acted on this feelings, and dont want to, my husband loves me and i love him. What i feel for his cousin is something i cant explain.. i dont want to think about him anymore, i want these feelings gone, idk how.. i want to be happy with my husband, he loves me.. i dont think its fair for him that i feel this way.. i love my husband, we are going to have our first baby together, yet i cant help feel like part of me has been torn apart.. how can i stop thinking about the cousin?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2018): You're a married woman. You are going to break your husband's heart if you insist on continuing this fleeting fantasy. With his family member of all people! You have no idea how this will turn out right now but I can assure you many lives will be destroyed. Either you stay married and faithful or tell your husband it's over and leave. Then pursue whoever.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2018): It's a crush and slight attraction. Nothing serious, unless you obsess over it. Don't get all dramatic and make it some love from another time. He's handsome, and you're attracted to him. It's that simple.
You can stop thinking about his cousin; if you focus your mind on your husband. You got married too young. You didn't date different guys while in high school. So now you're discovering what it's like to notice and be noticed; by guys other than the boyfriend, who became your husband. You have an active imagination. You're very young, so that's okay.
You're now a wife. You took vows, which means when temptation and handsome cousins come on the scene; you respect the boundaries of marriage.
You settle your hormones, keep your gazes to yourself, and let him stare all he wants. Don't send signals that you're interested or notice his stares. It's quite possible you could be over-reading and fantasizing; all because he's handsome. You are charmed by his quiet-stares. Now you're curious about attention from other guys. That time has come and gone. Don't say you love your husband; if you can't stop thinking about someone else. That makes it a lie, and you a cheat. In the psychological-sense.
Now that you're married, you must program yourself to think as a married-woman. You're monogamous, faithful, and indifferent when guys stare at you. If you're pretty, even if you're plain; you're a female, and that's enough to make guys stare. Staring doesn't mean anything. It's just staring.
If you react and send back signals; then it means something, because you're married. He's your husband's cousin. Draw the line. Never let on what you're thinking, or your husband will start to notice. If his cousin can see it; so will your husband. Men keep their radar on high-alert for what other men do around their mates. He is watching you as well.
You now have to implement self-control. Like you would want your husband to practice and behave around other pretty women. You are no longer single; so marriage places restraints on what signals and vibes you send-out to other men. That is, if your husband means what you say he means to you.
If you don't want your husband cheating on you; and it would upset you to know he couldn't get his mind off another women. Pay him the exact same respect. Keep your fantasies in-check, and your crush will pass. You're totally human, and these things will happen from time to time. Being faithful to your marriage means and requires learning how to control yourself under such conditions. Being married also means being a responsible adult. School-girl crushes over cute-boys are now far behind you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2018): Do you really think that there's some connection out of nowhere that somehow you both feel....or maybe you just fancy each other?
Do you lack attention, love, excitement?
It might help you to realise that there are many men out there, who enjoy behaving in this fashion. That they get a kick out of seeing that they are having an affect on you, by not doing very much. They love to flirt. It boosts their self esteem. He knows that you are picking up on his little nuances.
I don't want to sound rude but you barely know him, have met him twice and all this man has to do is pay you some covert attention and you're imagining all kinds of things?
You may be right and I may be wrong and there may be some unspoken connection from another life, but having had this kind of ridiculous staring etc happen to me a number of times I have finally come to realise that men and some women too of course, behave this kind of way for kicks.
To see how far it gets them, to jolly up a boring afternoon, all kinds of reasons. If you read the posts on this site, you'll see this kind of tale again and again.
'He was staring at me and then would look away when I looked at him'.
'He passed me the salt and he managed to brush my hand as he did so. Does this mean something?'
Yes, it means that he is flirting, would probably love to have some sex, enjoys looking at you and hopes to have some sex. It rarely means that there is some connection from a previous life. Again I don't want to sound rude and before I wised up, I was also like you. But you do need to grow up a tad. If he dreams about you, I expect his dreams aren't about some idyllic life together, but about what he'd like to do to you.
You are fairly young and it would seem, rather naïve. Men love to stare and flirt and please themselves that they are having an effect on an attractive woman, who is clearly in need of some attention.
Oh and btw, your cousin has zero respect for your husband. If your cousin behaves with respect towards your husband to his face, but moons after his pregnant wife behind his back, then I think we know what kind of person we're dealing with here. Any man who behaves this way towards another man's wife is showing ZERO respect. If indeed you are not reading something into nothing.
You are about to have a child with a man you say you love. Probably best then, to banish this silly, teenage stuff and to concentrate on your REAL relationship. Providing your small infant with a happy, stable home. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2018): I'm always amazed that women say 'he was staring at me' and from that make a whole load of assumptions that the guy wants you and you were meant to be!
Nothing has been said or done, its entirely all inside your head.
Now your pregnant and this brings about changes and I expect you wish to seem desirable so this is why you have invented the hard to reach cousin who is so into you.
I think you should spend more time thinking about your baby and maybe join a group for expectant mothers.
Perhaps the idea of pregnancy and birth frightens you a bit, which is not uncommon as many women feel this way but when they get together for prenatal classes and discussions they joke and laugh together unless you get the driest group of all times.
New friends are made and worries shared, little quirks are mulled over and above all preparation is made for the birth.
A wise mum will think ahead as she has to hit the ground running unless she has a nanny to hand the baby to.
So you are going to be very busy and you simply wont have time to have mindless fantasies about cousins who stare at you.
Quite honestly I think its very poor show for a cousin to just stare.
He should have come over to you and made proper friends with you and congratulated you on expecting a new addition to the family.
He might have been staring at you thinking:'oh she's a bit soft in the head I could get her into bed and destroy their relationship at the click of my fingers!'
This would make him the ultimate sleazeball of a cousin.
Why dont you expect a higher standard from your new relatives?
Its not much of a compliment to think theyre the family from hell who are perusing your undies while blankly staring at you.
For myself I preffer people who talk a decent talk.
Technically you are implying your entire family life is in jepardy because this guy stares so at this rate and with your logic you'll be doing a tearful kramer v kramer where you dont know who will get the child.
Please concentrate on yourself and your husband only as you make preparations for your new baby.
You are going to be a family so try thinking as a family and not as part of a teen romantic novel!
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