A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had an old argument with my older brother since I was 6 year old and my father always took his side over me. Now I’m trying to make my independent family, settle down and get married and hopefully be able to see my children but because of this old arguments with both of my father and old brother, whenever I go to people ask their daughter’s hand, my father would try to disfigure my reputation and claim that I’m sick just to satisfy my older brother and to force me on what my brother wants me to do to please him.He with my father’s aid prevented me from seeing my mom or talking to her and banished me and is giving me hard time. People told me the only way is to make a settlement with my older brother yet my older brother is refusing even to talk to me before bringing him a letter saying that I’m crazy on meds so he can use it against me in the future or so I can't complain against him or to stop him officially! Both of my father and my older brother made my entire life miserable in the past. (My father is not evil but sadly he follows my older brother in whatever he wishes against me). My older brother has many issues and because of this he fought with his colleagues in his ex job and no longer working beside he is not married (47 year old). Both of my parents are asking me to beg my older brother for forgiveness so they can help me and not to banish me (when I'm actually always been the victim!)I don’t know what to do to move on and live my life normally away from these troubles?? I don’t want to live sad and alone my entire life because of my older brother, in the mean time I don’t want to have anything to do with him for what he did to me. P.S. I’m 36 live on my own since long time ago and currently working as a medical doctor. Please help! Any is greatly appreciated.
View related questions:
his ex, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank all great people who sincerely contributed here and helped me with all the sympathy; all answers were great and helpful, thank you guys! I might need to look for legal advice and support if possible (hire a lawyer) in order to close it up with my family in a clean way and to make sure I will have in the end my basic rights if any, from them now and in the future and to minimize the damage coming from them since obviously my brother is trying to banish me from the family and to prevent me from any rights by using my father. The option of leaving the country is of course tempting now and in the near future, yet if I did not solve this with my family, I will be running as usual and escaping from solving my issues with them and not reach any final settlement (I have been doing that always by travelling) which in turn will achieve one of my brother plans to make me leave as usual and make me “or part of me at least” sad by not being able to see my parents ( as I will miss them ) specially my mother who I used to be very close to her… and for the lady who asked me about the place I’m living in, I live in a big city "The Capital", It is challenging here where I live to find a family that going to accept my proposal for their daughter without knowing where I’m coming from (my family) since they will naturally going to be careful about the future of their daughter with me. Also I would like to say something about my dad he knows my stand and my side of story very well but he is not willing to accept or admit the responsibility or to be judged accordingly to what he did or doing to me now and no way he would accept to admit that he was wrong! Oddly sad and funny isn’t it?! Any ways, thanks everybody, I love you guys all: )
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (19 September 2011):
 What a terribly sad story. I'm sorry you have such an appalling family and I think the only advice I could offer would be to cut contact and move away from them so they cannot be a part of your life any longer.
When it comes time to ask another father for his daughter's hand in marriage, I would simply tell him that you are an orphan for all intents and purposes. Obviously, your new in-laws would come to know that your family exists, so I think your only option is to tell the truth, that they are estranged from you due to an abuse issue.
I don't think it would be healthy for you to take any more abuse from your brother and being forced to 'apologize' to him would constitute abuse, I think.
Another option might be to ask for a mediator to address the family on your behalf and get them to see your side, as you obviously have not been able to do so. Perhaps a family counselor or a psychiatrist might be an appropriate choice for that type of interaction.
Again, my inclination would be to cut them off; they have proven that they care more about reputation than your health and well-being. In that case, there's no negotiating with them, and it would be best just to cut them out so you can proceed with living your life.
Best wishes as you heal from this awful past.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): I don't know if it will help you at all to at least know that you are not the only person in the world experiencing such a crazy situation caused by your own family - I faced a very similar situation created by my mother and younger sister. The only answer is to get away from them and the people who they are influencing and to seek counselling (maybe) later on to try to come to terms with the pain that they have caused you. The situation that you describe is highly familiar to me and I think it is basically caused by a sibling - brother or sister - experiencing extremes of jealousy due to insecurity and then becoming very bonded with the parent who is usually also insecure in some way - what is very, very nasty about a situation like this is that the insecure people become highly abusive and very manipulative and, worst of all, manage to make other people believe what they are saying. You must get distance from them - geographical distance and emotional. Do they live in a small town? In my case my mother and sister lived in a small town, where many people were relatively uneducated and easily persuaded to believe lies. Could you move to a city? At least you have a good job - make sure that their damage to you doesn't extend to taking that away as well. They won't stop, there is nothing you can do about it except move. It must be agony for you but it will get a bit easier if you can get away and meet new people.
...............................
A
male
reader, todsucht  +, writes (18 September 2011):
 according to your update, they want you to move away?
that is in a way solving the matter, you cant get through to everyone it's just not possible.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2011): I have to agree with the other poster, leave your family behind they only seem to care about themselves. It will be healthier for you to move on instead of putting up with how they treat you.
You can either try to find someone (& their parents) who'll take your side and believe you or maybe going abroad again is an option.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi I would like to add an update, one of the reasons that my family now wants me to appear in front of people that I'm crazy is because I tried to stop my brother's abuse officially by complaining against him before 6 years in the police station to stop him from abusing me or from ruing my life and my relationship with my father as he always do. Even though I left the country after that for 5 years (for studying abroad) and came back one year ago, they still hold grudge against me and afraid that I might complain against any of them again in the future. Also I haven’t had any contact or seen my brother for now almost more than 6 years and right now all what they are trying to do is to see if they can use anything I do now against me in the future and to continuously abusing me so they will actively make me sick from their abusive treatment or/and to make me hate them and travel/run away from solving this matter as usual.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2011): im sorry to say this but your family is not a good one.
starting over can be both appealing and not.
i would drop the family as if i was born without one, move away without telling them and start anew. although it might be hard for people that are close to there family.
you have a ton of options due to your job.
i cant say my advice is the best as i am just a teenager.
...............................
|
