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anonymous
writes: I've been with my boyfriend for about 1 and 1/2 years now, I love him very much but I can't seem to stop hurting him!I live very near to him, and all of his ex's! There is the problem. Although he doesn't talk to any of them, I'm obsessed that he still thinks about them 24-7! Like every woman I have my good days and my bad days, but they are mostly bad. I've recently been having dreams that I'm being humiliated by his ex's.My boyfriend is very sweet, he has even mentioned engagment, but I feel like I've pushed him into it as I'm constantly asking him whether I mean more than all of his other ex's.I feel that the words "I love you" aren't words to throw around, and as he is my first love but not lover, I feel insecure that I'm going to be rejected.All of his ex's were very pretty, and I know for a fact they were prettier than me!I've spoken to my friends and they've all said the same thing... "If you can't handle his past, get rid" but it's not what I want!Please help me!Thanks
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female
reader, tator  +, writes (2 July 2009):
i would say that you show him how sexy you are........... you should either have safe sex, whatever feels better for you..........and show him what he would miss if he broke up with you..!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2009): What a relief to find this site! It is such a comfort to read all your stories and not feel so alone. There is precious little help for women like us. The standard "advice" seems to be more like verbal abuse: Get over it you stupid crazy b****, or you will drive your boyfriend away!Like THAT's going to help, HA.I did find help though, a book titled "If this is Love, Why Do I Feel So Insecure?" by Carl G. Hindy, Ph.D., J. Conrad Schwarz, Ph.D., and Archie Brodsky. Although it can be hard to read, it is worth plowing through. My boyfriend was ecstatic that I was committed to working on what he called "YOUR problem." As I worked through the book, however, it became clear that he was contributing to the "problem" as much as I was. He needed to make some changes too, and as my confidence grew I became better at communicating my needs in a reasonable, rational manner. At first he balked, but it is much harder for him to fight me when my requests are reasonable and rational. Especially when I have the self confidence to say something like: I am not comfortable making love to you in the same bed you shared with her. If you are not willing to replace the bed at this time, that's okay. We can be intimate at my home, in my bed, where I am comfortable.I feel much more empowered and in control of myself. I still have feelings of jealousy toward his ex, but I can manage them with dignity and insist that my boyfriend treat my feelings with respect.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): I too, have struggled with this issue. I met my BF when I was 18. He was 25. I have always been mature for my age, so we got along great. We have been together for 4 years now. I have been getting better with this "obsession" but let me give some background. When we first starting dating, I knew he still talked to some of his exs (he has 4 exs, he talked to 2). It wasnt a big deal because I didnt expect him to drop every EX for me, especially when we just met and started dating. About 6 months into our relationship though, his one ex would call/text/email all the time. I didnt like her to begin with. She cheated on him. He still stayed with her. Everytime they would talk, he would hang up mad. It got old quickly. I told him "Stop talking to her, or I'm gone". He picked me and I THOUGHT he stopped talking to her. About 6 months later (and a year into our relationship) I still felt something wasn't right. I cracked into his email-yes it was wrong- but I found emails that proved they were in contact. I saw things on his phone. I flipped out. He flipped out on me for going through his stuff. That was a bad time. I told him I would give him one more chance because he besides this B**** is the best thing ever. Loving, caring, sucessful, good family etc... That was 3 years ago. She TRIED calling and emailing. He changed his email and number. Deleted his myspace...all these things prove to me he does want to try and change for me. I love him for that. But I still obsess over her. Sometimes I still dont know for sure if they are talking or not. I think 'what was so great about her that he still was with her after she cheated?' why does he need/want to talk to her if Im his GF?
I have looked up all of his exs on myspace and facebook. Even though some are "uglier" than me, I still get all angry inside. I was a virgin when we met, he wasnt. We actually were friends first and talked online a lot. He told me alot of sexual things about his exs- before we were together. It didnt bother me then cause he was friend- but now his is my guy. I think about it a lot. I wonder I am better in bed? Does he really think I am prettier? etc..
I am glad that the other 3 exs have moved on and want nothing to do with him. I feel thats the way it should be. The other one I will always keep my eye on. She is now married with child yet when they used to talk, she would always b**** about wanting a divorce etc...
I just want to say STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN- HE DOESNT WANT YOU. I still dont think she would get the hint.
Anyway, reading your stories has helped me. Just know your not alone in this at all and there is a reason he is with you. If he is NOT willing to change, then thats something to think about.
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female
reader, ~Unknown~  +, writes (2 June 2009):
 I am trying a new coping method.
Basically tonight I started asking my boyfriend questions about him and his ex and asked him to answer honestly. Even things to do with their sex life, which is an especially touchy area. He was ok to tell me these things although he found it odd telling it to me :D
The purpose of it was simply to hear it as it was, rather than the passionate romantic scenes I was acting them out in inside my head. I found out that basically sex was quite routine, even for a long distance relationship. She wasn't very spontaneous and pretty much just lay there. They never took things outside the bedroom and that they never did anything unusual. It was sort of "oh we're going to bed, guess we should have sex". Apparently she was very quiet, he says he loves how I am more vocal. How I am more spontaneous (errr many places outside of the bedroom :D) and more exciting and adventureous in bed. I asked if they had any private jokes or silly things that were special between them and he said that he couldn't think of anything. He said she was quite a serious person and they mostly just spoke about normal things. He told me that he couldn't joke with her much because she totally didn't get sarcasm. He told me that he never found her too physically attractive even when they were happy.
When I told him why I was asking him this stuff he said to me it made him happy to hear, because it meant that I am actively trying to get rid of my insecurities. He said he'll answer anything I ask him honestly. I see him blaming himself for me being upset over her memory so I would love to stop it. I hope this helps, I mean I don't feel bad about what I heard. Also he sees that I'm making an effort for us.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): I think I've stopped giving a shit about my bf's ex...because I've ceased to give a shit about him.
huh...go figure.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2009): It felt so great to read this because I'm in a very similar situation and felt I was the only one, now I realise that I am not alone.
My boyfriend was engaged prior to going out with me.
Despite the fact that she cheated, abused and despised my boyfriend, I can't help but think that he still thinks of her. He tells me I'm better, in fact everyone does, but if I am, why hasn't he handed me a ring yet?
We've being going out for one and a half years... three times as long as they had when he proposed.
It's amazing how these situations hurt your self esteem. Here I am, a model with an excellent education and a stable financial situation and I'm constantly worrying about a woman who had a horrible heart with looks to match.
The best thing for me was speaking to my boyfriend about everything and thinking that if he doesn't want to be with me - he wouldn't be.
I know it's difficult (trust me, I know) but I hope this has helped.
All my best.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): This is a very interesting site. I have the same problem, kind of.
What I'm trying to figure out is if I was out of line for pretty much forcing my boy and his ex to stop talking. I confronted her and things went bad and everyon seems to think I'm the villain. That bothers me because I don't think that's the case at all.
My boy lived with this girl for 6 years and after they broke up they continued to live together for some time in a 2 bedroom house. This was mostly because they were really young when they got together and it just seemed easier and cheaper. She already had a new boyfriend and he was dating other girls. Then he and I started dating.
Before we started dating he and I were long distance friends. We'd met and all, but he lived in the UK and I lived in the US. To a lesser extent, I was friends with his ex too; we would more than likely be really good friends if the following hadn't come up:
She and I hung out when she came to visit the US. After meeting me I think she started to realize that my boy/her ex (or as she prefers to call him, her "best friend of 7 years") was actually dating a real person, not a picture she had seen in his wallet.
She started to get weird. She called him from the US and told him she was getting nostalgic and wondering if she'd done the right thing by breaking up with him.
FUNNY THING IS I DIDN'T GET MAD. At first. I understood how she felt. This man is great, I would hate to lose him too! But she did and I knew/know he loves me to death.
But then.
1) They used to share certain accounts online. Rather, she would use his accounts. One of these was the photo-hosting site photobucket. She put nude photos of herself in it to send to her current boyfriend. I DO believe they were for her current boyfriend, but I was taken a bit by surprise because I saw them before my boy did. I had been accessing his account for some time but NOT because I was a psycho; HE gave me the password so I could look at his pictures.
I was annoyed but again, I WASN'T MAD at first. She had not come to terms with the fact that they now had certain boundries. I told him about it, he deleted them, he told her not to do that again and that was that.
But then...these pictuers were on the computer that they shared at the house they lived in. One day when I was on the phone with him he said "Oh my god" because the pictures were popping up on the screen saver.
So I started to wonder...Why would she even risk stuff like that? I mean, I'd think she'd want to be super careful with nude photos. Or is she that unaware of bounries? And forget about me; wouldn't her boyfriend be angry if he knew she was using her exe's account for this and leaving in places so obvious?
Anyway. He was making preparations to move to be with me in the US. That's why at the time I didn't ask him to move out; it was temporary and would be expensive for him to move when he needed to save every penny for his move to the US.
And when he did move here, she freaked out. He'd been her crutch for so long that she didn't seem to know what to do with herself. She called, emailed, etc. and he would respond every now and then. WHen she started complaining about how he didn't call/email is when I started to get to think she needed to f*ck off already.
She came to the US to visit her boyfriend and came by our place to give my boy some of his stuff he'd left in England. I didn't want to hang out with them but my boy didn't seem to understand why. I argued that I didn't need to come along. I knew I would be uneasy the whole time because I was officially put off with her crap. But the boy insisted. I was polite and all but I hated every second of it.
Anyway. After that is when I got weird back. The boy knew I didn't want him talking to her anymore so he started being secretive if/when he wrote/called her. That did it for me and I full out started to read his emails. In one he said for her to write to his email and not leave comments on myspace because i had "hangups" about her
and that really offended me.
I don't think it was a hangup and I think I was justified in not wanting her to be a part of our lives. If she hadn't pulled -any- weird stuff I promise I'd have never stood up and said "enough of this!"
We fought about it enough times that I thought maybe she and I should talk. Maybe we coudl fix things. She could say "Hey, I f*cked up, I"m sorry I was out of line" and that would've been good enough for me.
I wrote her and explained why I was upset etc. Her response was, more or less, that I was immature and that we should cut off all connection.
Funny, that, because that's what I'd wanted for a long time. So I was fine with that.
But now I'm the big bully who won't let these two great friends of so many years speak to each other.
Sometiems it bothers me but only because I don't want my boy to think I want to tell him who he can be friends with. I just don't know. We've dropped teh subject but every now and then I wonder if there's something I should do to fix it. But to be perfectly honest, I'm happy her ot existing to us.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): I've posted on here a few times and, while I thought my "fixation" was getting slightly better, sometimes I feel that it is just growing worse. I have a hatred for this girl I have never met like you could not even believe. The fact that she took my boyfriend's virginity disgusts me, because she is now the biggest slut on the planet. I hate that they lost their virginity together (Well, kind of. She had done some things before him) and that I lost my virginity to him. I don't know why ... I mean, I know that he is more than just "used goods" and that he has more to offer than just his virginity. Anyway, I look at her Myspace and Facebook all the time still. It seems that her ceaseless partying and frivolous sex has caught up to her; she looks ugly- even her big boobs can't save her now! I've heard rumors that she has an std (HIV, don't know if it's true or not), that she is no longer in college because of her partying, etc. Basically she is just a nasty, dirty loser.
What bothers me the most is that she keeps dating guys (seriously, like THREE) with my boyfriend's name. To me, this is her being able to keep a part of the guy whose virginity she took (and then broke his heart by sleeping with her ex). She disgusts me and is nothing more than a piece of trash. I hate the fact that my boyfriend was so intimate with her at one point that he trusted her with giving her (the trash) a precious gift; virginity. Oh well, we all make mistakes. I still hate her. If I ever saw her, I'd probably punch her in the face simply for existing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): omg.. like the rest of you have said in other posts, i am so glad i am not the only one. although i have gone to the extreme.. i am not crazy by any means, but i still obsess over my boyfriends ex.. ive been with him almost three years. in the beginning i really didnt stress as much as i have recently.. i kind of held it in. we started dating nov. 2006 and are together now. she contacted him around oct 2007 and he told her that he was with me and that he wasnt interested in talking with her. as if she couldnt see it on myspace. well she called again in feb. 2008 and i talked to her on the phone and everything. mind you i would look at her myspace weekly since the day i started dating my boyfriend (before i even knew who she really was). i figured out where she lives by finding her in the phone book.. and she lives in a different city.. about 25 miles from us. using my gps i found her exact house just so i could know where she lives. i havent told my boyfriend any of this. he still doesnt know that i obsess over her.. i dont know why i do. what him and i have together will never never be what they had together and if they were to get back together it still would never come close to what we have. minus my insecurity issues and a few other imperfections i would say our relationship is an A-. i dont know.. i cannot seem to seek advice because i am afraid if i were to tell ppl i know they would think im nuts for putting all my energy into this one chick.. so ive considered speaking to a professional.. at least they wont judge you really since you are paying them to listen
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009): OMG! I’m so happy I’ve found this site! Its amazing! I’m on the same boat! It’s crazy… I look at my boyfriend’s ex myspace and facebook all the time! I have even created fake names and profiles so I can be added as one of her friends. She has a great life; she is definitely prettier than me and has a very social lifestyle. I know this is wrong, I know that they won’t get back together even though they have a daughter. The little girl knows who I am and I have even talk to my boyfriend’s ex and she has never treated me wrong or anything… but it’s just the fact of her existing in my boyfriend’s life. I totally hate her… I always bring her up in our discussions and he is getting tired of it. I know I’m wrong… but what should I do? Go to therapy? He tells me all the time, that I am the one and how much he always wanted someone like me, he tells me that he wasn’t completely happy and going back to his ex would be living in hell. I love to hear all of that… but I can’t get confident enough to stop thinking about her… When that girl and I spoke before… she was nice and I contacted her! Which makes me feel sooo stupid and my boyfriend tells me that I made her feel important… and that is what she wanted… OMG! I do need help… can a girl with a successful story reply to all of us?? PLEASE?? Hahaha! This is so funny… I seriously thought I was the only one suffering of this…. ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2009): After reading all these posts, it makes me so much more relaxed that i don't actually feel like the only mental person in the world! and some people have more serious issues than me that i don't think i could deal with.
I've been going out with my boyfriend for about 4 months (not immensley long) and we've built up such a good connection. He's the loveliest guy i've been with.. especially since my ex from last November, who basically got depressed when i was with him (lowered my self esteem) and cut himself and sent me pictues of it! i felt bad as there was nothing i could do, brought him presents to make him feel better, did all i could. then one night he told me he wanted to kill himself.. and it was because he loved his ex and wanted her back.. yeaaaaaaaah felt nice to hear that. Then we were on and off for a few months and i eventually ended it, feeling the better one when i realised he'd been texting her the same things but about me!!
anyway.. with the new guy, he's amazing, writes me love post it notes in the morning before he goes to work, makes me romantic meals, texts me telling me he loves me randomly.. stuff i love!! but his ex is still in the picture.. he's really into acting (as am i - but haven't pursued with it) and so is his ex. this one point i feel he likes her more as she is on the same level as him.. she also texts him randomly like 'im staying at a boys house tonight' or 'i miss you' and then some soppy name she used to call him. he never replies to her, as it is easily shown on his phone if he did, i dont check his phone but he shows me them, just to make sure i have nothing to worry about. his family tells me they really didnt like her, and his brother was really ripping in to her the other day, which i found VERY amusing :) and i used to have dreams about her being around me and boyfriend all the time, and them getting with eachother, ending with me smashing her face in, which i found funny, but maybe a bit far.
recently ive been thinking into things so much, and now feel i am pushing him away, as other people have said i cant keep my feelings to myself and HAVE to tell him or i just go in a mood and he knows something is up, then he gets annoyed that i wont talk to him about it, and i dont want to talk otherwise it will lead to an argument, or make him feel as if hes done something wrong, when im sure he hasnt.
i think of mental things for no reason, like he looks at her in a different way, or acts differently with me when shes around (goes to the same pub as us) or wishes my hair was like hers, or that shes prettier/skinner than me..
ive tried not to think about these things, and training myself to thinks its bull***t so that it eventually wont bother me... and this is possible. if you don't make it an issue with him, then it wont be an issue with yourself..
i think it mainly comes down to, who is your boyfriend with? (unless hes a pricking cheat) who does he go home to at night? who does he text telling he loves them?.. if you know its you then what have you got to worry about?
if you KNOW its not you, then the main thing is, not everyone is attracted/suited to absolutely everyone else, and it takes time to get to know someone, and if it doesnt work out, then it doesnt.. your not compatible, simple as.. you don't want to go through life, get married to them when you know that there more suited to someone else - wouldn't be very happy, would it?
i think we all need to realise that our boyfriends have a past, and so do we.. this can't be changed. and unless they are living in the past, then we have nothing to worry about.. obviously keep your wits about you, but a relationship is based on trust.. and if you don;t have that then whats the point of it? (apart from awesome sex ;)..
and as for ex's.. what do they matter... your with the person they 'want'... you've already won!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): I'm so glad I found this.
I just can't stop thinking about his ex. I literally hate her - she tries to contact him all the time and if she was at least more honest he could tell her to fuck off, but she invents 'serious' situations that she 'needs' him to 'talk' to him about, last time it was some bullshit about her friend being depressed. My friend had killed himself 2 days before. She didn't respond well when my boyfriend told his girlfriend needed him more...fucking bitch. It turned out her friend was 100% fine (and very confused) when my boyfriend bumped into her and mentioned it a few days later.
We saw her a few days ago. We (me & boyf) were in the car and she was walking on the pavement. I was literally sooo close to shouting 'TRAMP!' out of the window. She did look like a tramp though. So tarty, and too big to be wearing the clothes she does. Low cut top, but with no tits to full it (reassuring - my man is a 'boob man').
But I restrained myself - partly because my boyfriend was in the car and she'd use it as an excuse to talk to him and he said he didn't want the hassle and partly because although I dislike her I'm the better person. I have what she wants. I think she has the worse deal. I've won.
If it's any consolation, you all sound like the upgrade to the ex, and if your guy is worth being with he'll make that clear. If he's not, you've not lost much.
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female
reader, ~Unknown~ +, writes (14 May 2009):
To the person below, I know what you mean, I am awful at hiding it too. My boyfriend is very reassuring but I still want it to stop for the both of us...I didn't lose my virginity to him, if I did then that would make me jealous too. I just hate that someone so horrible that deliberately tried to make me uncomfortable on the one occasion we spoke on MSN...I hate that she's been there first.
Tonight before he went to bed he called me "The most important girl in my life who "isn't just a friend", but my first actual real girlfriend who I feel real love for 3". He said his ex was often just like being out with a friend and even as friends they didn't work out in the end. I really want to stop feeling so jealous, and I'm really beginning to try, for both of us.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): Reading some of this has made me feel better that I'm not the only one who gets like this.
I DID have a very very long thing written out, but I realise it was hopeless rambling that no one would be interested in, seeing as my jealousy IS ridiculous - and I know it is, I can admit it. But it isn't as big of a problem as some of the stories up here.
Even when I know the ex (who he was with for 16 months) is a completely vindictive little cow who treated him like crap, and his friends and family tell me he's so much happier with me, and I've watched the condifidence - that she crushed - grow since he's been with me... I still get jealous.
Whenever I feel jealous, I HAVE to get it out in the open, or I just won't get over it - and he's very understanding and reassures me everytime.
But I just want it to stop.
I want to stop getting touchy over little things.
For example, sex is a big issue. I lost my virginity to him, but he lost his virginity to her. He says he regrets it, that it means so much more with me, that she was crap in bed, that she pressured him into it, that he wished he hadn't been so stupid and saved it so he could have lost it to me because it would have been so much more special... All of this just makes me wonder whether losing it to her has changed his perception of sex? I can't help but think it isn't as special to him as it is to me, and I'm having to be constantly told that it is, that it does mean something to him.
There are a lot of things like this...
I once cleaned out his draws cus I wanted every little trace of her gone from his room, and found love notes from her and TO her, from when they'd been going out.
I didn't think she'd been soppy like that, he'd said she hadn't, so it affected me.
He said she only ever wrote notes to him whenever she did something wrong and he only wrote notes back cus he felt he had to.
But what had gotten to me was that I'd written him notes - simply to be a soppy cow.
But I never got a note back.
I'd asked why, he'd said he didn't feel he needed to write me a note because we were already so close that we didn't need them.
I realised where he was coming from, but it still affected me. It hurt. To be honest, I was heartbroken.
Then the next week, he'd written me a note. I'd turned up and his house early and he was still at work, he'd left it on the pillow, and when I'd finished it I cried with happiness. But then I wondered whether he just wrote it because I'd made such a big deal of it before.
Wrote it out of guilt.
I'm looking at that note now, and I'm getting worked up about it.
He's honestly the nicest guy I've ever met, he wouldn't hurt a fly, literally, so I don't WANT to make him feel bad.
Because it isn't deliberate he does these things.
And he DOES care how I react and try to comfort me.
I'm just stuck, I try as hard as I can to get over it when a pinch of jealousy arises, but I find it hard to hide my emotions and he always knows when somethings up.
And I just feel so stupid when I'm forced to ask about her again, and he's probably thinking "Oh not again."
I want it to stop for the sake of both of us.
I just don't know how to stop it.
I've even considered therapy, seriously.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009): PLEASE HELP ME WITH THIS ISSUE:
My problem is somewhat different than the ones I read here. My boyfriend's exes are what I would consider (and I know it sounds cocky/arrogant) not godo enough.
One of them has a very long horse face (good body). Her pics on fb look trashy. This girl he dated long ago and broke up with her because he thought she was crazy.
The one he was with before me I consider ugly and simple. SHe is heavy now. He claims that she has put on like 60 pounds since they broke up. However, a girl that went to HIgh school with her told me she has always been "husky." WHen I confronted my boyfriend about this he said it was a lie, that she was never skinny but never as fat as now. He said if he met her now he woudl be like "no thanks." However, I look at her fb pictured all the time and try to tell myself that she is attractive (she has a cute face). My boyfried said he didnt like that she didnt like politics and was not adventurous. He said they had nothing to talk about- I can see that, but, they were together for 2 years, 2 years"?? HE lived with her for one year. He says that he was living with a crazy roomate and thats why he moved in with her.
I dont understand how it coudl have taken him that long to be with someone he felt he had nothing to talk about. Maybe it wasnt like that always. I dont know.. why woudl he be with someone like that for so long. He loves me because I am very driven and love politics. I am adventurous, ambitious and good looking. He has told me he found it all with me.
Then, why am I obsessesed and somewhat angry that he dated people like that?
Help!!
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female
reader, ~Unknown~ +, writes (11 May 2009):
:( Ugh today it's pretty bad, I just was looking at one of the little flash games my boyfriend makes and I saw her name in the credits for the game testers and I wanted to punch my screen. It was before we met but that game gaiend a sponser and earnt him money and it's got her name on it. He told me that something he loves about me was that I show interest in these things he does because his ex didn't...so why is her name on the credits? I don't believe him now :(I'm pretty much his main tester for his new game but once again I feel in her shadow. *everything* I think it special between us it feels like she's been there first. I know he loves me a lot, and I know it's not that he wants her back, but I'm never going to be good enough to compare to what she was. I am not good enough to bring him anything new. I'm just her sequal, that's how I feel :( and I don't mean to punish him as he can't change the past but I really am afraid to talk to him later because I am crap at hiding my feelings and he'll ask me what's wrong untill I tell him. I don't want to make him feel bad, so I don't know...I don't know what to do :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009): Well, where to begin? First of all, I didn't type "obsessed with bf's ex" into google, I typed "bfs in contact with exs".
I've been with my boyfriend (24 years old) for coming up 5 years (in June). I'm 20 years old and we began our relationship when I was 15 (inexperienced, insecure and unstable etc).
This ex (named Zoe) was with him for about 2 years, she is 2 years his senior (now 26). He and she were virgins before they met... and naturally it disappoints me that I didn't meet him first. Anyway, at 15 years of age I was insecure and knowing about their long relationship, I was jealous... angry... hated her.
He never told her that he found a new girlfriend. He broke up with her the night we met, the night he kissed me --- he cheated on her with me. Six months into our relationship she sends him a birthday present... I'm peeved. Thinking, what the hell? You guys aren't together. Get over it. Then I find out that she's none the wiser about our relationship. Naturally he didn't want to tell her about me because she was apparently "close to suicide" when he broke it off with her --- (loser).
To continue... things cooled down after a couple of years, we had our ups and downs, our uncertainties but we got through it. Through thick and thin (they say). So, I was secure... I mean after 5 years... who wouldn't be! The ex had moved on... and I thought that my bf had too.
So we move in together, or at least.. I quit my job and move 80 odd miles away to move in with him. It was a sacrifice I was happy to make. After all, we had spent 4 and a half years enduring long distance and seeing each other only at the weekend.
A week into us living together and I stumble across an unfamiliar email address he had signed in with. Long story short, I guessed the password (I knew some of his usual passwords) and I find dozens of emails from the ex... including naked photos of her, stories and fantasies of what she wanted to do to him etc...
Confused, shaking with anger and writhing with disbelief, I confronted him. Am still with him now, it's been a little over 2 weeks since the confrontation.
My problem is that I can't get over it. They planned to meet up (although he said they didnt) and all they talked about was sex and fantasies. He sent her emails about how he has a "special bond" with her - that will never be broken. How she is perfect for him, so well suited. She and he are into BDSM, her being the Sub, him being the Dom.
It's like this woman gives him something that I can't. Something I can't match. When we argue about her, he defends her. He never says a bad word. I don't know how often they kept in contact over the last 5 years of our relationship, I only have his word to take.. and at the moment that is VERY difficult to trust.
He said it was just talk, no mic, no cam, no phone calls, no rendezvous'. That she was just a fantasy. Fact is, he told her in an email that he still thinks "there is a chance for them in the future". These emails were dated back to October / November... but how am I supposed to believe that he doesn't feel like this now?
I mean, yes.. I live with him now, that is a huge step to take. If he wasn't certain about our relationship then he wouldn't invite me to move in. But now I'm the one suffering. How am I supposed to believe that he won't just give up on me and go back to her? It seems that even after 5 years, they both still have open arms. And although he says he doesn't talk to her (anymore), how am I supposed to believe they won't talk in the future? He even admitted that he would still like to know she is alive... and well.
I mean, he wants to know if anything major happens in her life. A year and a half into our relationship she texts him out of the blue and tells him that she was raped. Brutally. Beaten and had her jaw and wrist broken. I am human, I'm not evil. I do sympathise, it was a horrific thing and she needed someone to talk to. So she confided in him. I didn't find out that she contacted him about this until a few months later --- which only angered me. He didn't tell me because he knew I would be angry, jealous, insecure and that I wouldn't understand. Looking back, he was right. I was all of the above, and then some.
So what it all boils down to... is that the woman at the very root of my insecurities, tried to get back with my bf. My worst nightmare came true, he almost went back to her. He dumped me in November and claimed we weren't sexually compatible, little did I know that this was around the same time he planned to meet with the ex. Horrifying I know. He wanted her back, he wanted her instead.
What I'm trying to establish now, is whether there is something worth worrying about. He cried, he begged me not to leave, he said that it was ME he wanted, ME. That he doesn't WANT HER. And (this is delightful) how "if he wanted her, he could easily go and be with her". But no, it's me he wants. I sit here at 2:50am whilst he is asleep, typing this. Confused, where do I stand? Is the person I moved in with genuinely wanting a future with me? Or should I be worried that they will get bored and eventually go back to the ex.
I can't trust him. They are both c***s in my eyes. She knew that he was with me all this time, she knew. How can I respect a person like this? A homewrecker. She tried to destroy everything. How can I empathise with such a f***** up individual? My consolation prize SHOULD be, that she never succeeded. He lies in -our- bed, in -our- house, belonging to -us-. I should feel firm and secure, but I don't. How can I? When my worst nightmare of insecurity came true. He wrote to her, he did want her, he does want her?
I told him straight up, I said "I don't want you to ever speak to her again". He always responds "I'm not talking to her!!". I mean, NEVER AGAIN. Not in future. Never. No more "catching up", nothing. Because clearly he cannot be trusted with her. After reading all the lusty emails he wrote her, how can I ever let them be in contact? I don't like being the one to dictate who he can and cannot talk to, but really... he betrayed my trust. He's made me totally insecure again. I feel like I'm back at square one, and then some.
As he stated in one of his emails, I will always feel like they have a special, unbeatable, incomparable bond that will never be severed. This infuriates me! I just want her gone, out of our lives. He says that she IS. But her last email was February. That's only 3 months ago!! How do I know that communication won't resume behind my back? He reassures me that it won't. I trusted him before, he supposedly never contacted her. Now I find the worst possible scenario, confirming all my insecurities. How can I bounce back from this? I'm desperately trying to salvage my feelings for him, but I feel like I don't know him. He tells me that he was a different person back then (in Oct / Nov 08), but how do I know that that wasn't the real him, the true person. That all along he has wanted her, over me.
I should probably tell you a little about this woman. This pitiful woman. Mountain of issues. She's slim/slender, 5'5 (inch taller than me), dark, gothic, into all the same metal music as him, adores BDSM (like him), likes gore, blood and other such things. Me and her are similar on some levels but I still feel like she is better suited to him, due to the sex and musical interests. After all, he has stated that these are two very important things to him. Things he feels that we are not compatible on.
She has a dark childhood, possible molestation from her Uncle or Father, beatings and general abuse... (I assume some of this because he won't tell me. He won't tell me because he doesn't want to betray her. He's the "only one that knows" and he won't change that --- oh how this infuriates me further). She is a troubled woman, tattooed and pierced, alternative and almost desperately trying to be fucked up. Has always wanted someone to call her "Master", someone to be a "Slave" to.
She is pretty attractive, sounds like a nice person overall. I do compare myself. I have always said to him "you prefer goth girls, don't you?" to which he always responded "for f***s sake". I sometimes fantasized about dyeing (sp?) my hair dark for him, to see if it pleased him. But I don't want to taint my unique auburn hair; he tells me he loves it, loves my uniqueness.
She is slim / slender, with nice (small / average) breasts. I am average with large breasts (that I hate). I want to be slimmer like her, with smaller (more manageable) boobs. She has huge gothic tattoos and I wonder if he loves them too.
During the confrontation he stated that she was a troubled individual and that was one of the reasons why it didn't work out with her. I mean, honestly, looking at her I wonder why anyone would want to employ her. A nose ring, visible tattoos (of naked women), drawn on eyebrows. Me, I'm what you would class as "vanilla". Normal looking. Nothing shocking. This woman cries out for attention, shocking people with her appearance. She's like that picture of that girl, doing a cartwheel/handstand on the beach with the caption "LOOK AT ME!!!". At least, that's how I like to think of her. An attention seeking wh***.
I'm harbouring / festering so much anger, frustration, confusion and general insecurities over this. One part of me thinks that I've seen enough, the relationship is brown-bread (dead). Another part of me loves him to pieces and wants to build a future. I have to make a decision, I'm hurting too much. Everytime I feel like we are getting on track, my insecurities surface and we argue. Yes I probably cause the arguments, but the arguments are a consequence of his actions. I just can't silence the voices (no I'm not insane). I refer to the insecurities... the voices that say "He still wants her", "Look at her, you're ugly compared to her!", "You'll never satisfy him, only she can".
To conclude, I have no answer. No conclusion. No decision. Only a f****** mountain of insecurities to silence, bury, destroy, annihilate or over come (pick one). This is the worst point of my life so far. How does one get over their worst nightmare becoming a reality? Answer is --- they don't.
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A
female
reader, ~Unknown~ +, writes (10 May 2009):
Well here's another crazy jealousy story.
I'm an English girl who is in an amazing relationship with a Danish guy who used to be with an Icelandic girl for almost two years. We met online randomly, he'd only just broken up with his ex but had been wanting to end it with her for many months. I was still with my ex (French guy, this is a nice Eurpoean story here) but was wanting to end it with him and had been feeling but denying it for months too. We only had casual contact at first and I never expected anything from it but we ended up getting really close. None of it was planned, and he said if I was happy he'd have backed off long ago. I broke up with my ex and went through a hell of a lot of drama. My now-boyfriend was really supportive because the breakup was almost identical to his with his ex, right down to the long distance and the wanting to end it for months. We met in person, we love eachother to bits, have been taking it in turns to visit eachother's countries and have been going great.
I was always a bit "meh" on the subject of his ex but it was never a huge thing. Untill not long after we became a couple, "Bitchface" (I call her this to my friends because I can't pronounce her name) re-added my boyfriend on MSN and started acting overly friendly towards him despite having another (rebound) boyfriend. He told her he has a new girlfriend now and she suddenly switched, becoming incredibley bitchy and saying things that sounded strongly as if she was trying to make him jealous. Knowing those two had history I felt threatened and subtley asked him if he still felt anything, he said definitely not and he blocked her completley. That was the last time they really spoke.
That sparked a huge grudge. I'd faced my fears and ended my relationship despite the drama I was fearing. I have diagnosed depression and anxiety and am on medication for it so it was miserable for me, all the guilt trips and constant pressure from my ex. Bitchface made me feel threatened and although I know he'd never cheat one me (he didn't cheat on her when he wanted to break up with her so why would he cheat in a happy relationship?), but her memory is what haunts me. I hate myself, genuinely. I looked up her photo on a site I knew she'd posted it. I saw a chubby girl with a plain face. I'm slim, blonde, I'm told I am attractive and my boyfriend says what drove him to message me in the first place was that he saw my picture and found me very very attractive. He's called me the hottest girlfriend he's ever had. I don't see it though, I look down and I see a girl with no breasts (34B) who is too pale and is just nothing special (I was very bullied at school and I have no faith in myself). Personality wise I compare myself. I am clinically depressed. I was the school lonor while my boyfriend was the guy who was friends with everyone at his. I am insecure and I talk too much about pointless things. He says I am sweet, intelligent and most of all the first girlfriend who can really make him laugh. Why won't it sink in?
Bitchface from what I hear was a girl who never really had much in common with him. She was clingy even if he just wanted to go watch a film with his family and go offline a bit but be back in an hour or two (long distance relationships all round here). I hear she wasn't all that smart. He says that he was never very physically attracted to her. He says she didn't get sarcasm, which he loves, and he couldn't tease her and joke about her without it taking it too personally. He says that he did love her once, but has never loved anyone the way he loves me. I'm the first girl he's ever told he see's himself being with in ten years time. He says "I love you forever" which is something he told me on the start of our relationship that he *never* tells a girl because if somehow it doesn't work out he'd feel bad having said such things. His family apparently seem to like me better, he says they're more comfortable to joke with me than her and that she barely spoke to them when there. That's huge for me as with my ex his family were horrible and hated me. Why, why do I have a guy who seems so in love with me yet I can't stop obsessing over Bitchface?
I keep worrying she's better than me. I keep worrying he was happier when times were good with them than he is with me in the present. I look at her breast size and compare it to mine and feel inferiour. I hate that she was there first and had his love when she never really had the compatability to deserve it. I stalk her online, I despise everything that reminds me of her. I sometimes bring myself to tears picturing them in the streets of Copenhagen holding hands. I can't stand how she's been there first,toall the places there we visit, it's like she's spray-painted over my beautiful wall painting and I can't wash her off it. I tresure the things that are only ours, where she's never been. Sometimes it got so bad that I'd punch my arm and bruise myself or pull out clumps of my own hair because I felt like I was pathetic and that I could never be good enough. It's all in my head, the little rational part always knows this, but the emotional part overpowers it. I hide the extrems from my boyfriend because I know it'd upset him. He found out about my arm bruising once on a totally different matter and it brought him to tears because "nobody hurts my Rosie, not even her". I don't want to make him feel bad with the true extend of how I make myself suffer because it's not his fault. It upsets him when I say horrible things about myself. Still, from what he knows of it he tells me that if I need time to get over this he'll give me time and pick me up when I'm really upset.
I just can't seem to shake off this feeling. Why is my happy, confident guy with me and in my mind Bitchface is the one who got there first, even though he ended it and has never looked back. I feel like such a hypocrit because I was also once in love with my ex but it didn't work out, almost exactly the same story, and my boyfriend just looks at it as all past things and because I'm with him now it doesn't matter. I wish I could see things like him, I know he feels for his ex the same way I feel for mine....nothing. Yet a part of me won't stop making myself feel like dirt and despising Bitchface with every little part of me. Even when people mention the damn country Iceland I secretly hate it because it reminds me of her. She's the only real glitch in our relationship. I have a sweet guy who means the world to me. One who I can tell anything to, who always can make me smile again when I'm at my worst. Who never gives up on me despite how hard it can be with me sometimes when depressed. He's just perfect for me, and he makes me feel so loved...so why can't I let Bitchface out of my mind? I just think I'm completley mad, but I am so happy to see I'm not alone.
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A
female
reader, mycocogirl  +, writes (29 March 2009):
Glad to find this page. Me too ladies. I am obsessed with my bf’s past relationship of 6 years. I’m suffering because of it. We have been together for almost 3 years now. It is worst than ever before, when I was just curious and more detached. I am trying to try and understand the roots of this poisonous behaviour and to fix it. I don’t want to ruin my relationship with him. I am a professional with great friends and family. I appear one way and I feel another with this story
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): Glad to find this page. Me too ladies. I am obsessed with my bf’s past relationship of 6 years. I’m suffering because of it. We have been together for almost 3 years now. It is worst than ever before, when I was just curious and more detached. I am trying to try and understand the roots of this poisonous behaviour and to fix it. I don’t want to ruin my relationship with him. I am a professional with great friends and family. I appear one way and I feel another with this story.Sometimes, I want to blame him for telling me so much about her in the first place. Their stories were no business of mine. He used to be “so in love with her” like he said. If she was so crazy and terrible, "WHY did you stay with her that long? What was the fantastic thing about her that made you stay?" By the stories and the way he told them, it makes me feel like he was obsessed with her too. I wonder if and how his family compare me to his ex even though I know they like me and have a good relationship with me. What’s wrong with meeee?I have addictive behaviours. I KNOW it’s pathetic to look for photos of her and dig information about her and her friends, wonder where she is going tonight, compare myself to her and meet her “by chance”. Freak! I wish I could talk to her to learn more about her. I don't think she knows me, thank goodness. I don’t know myself like that. I am not a stalker. I KNOW I will not find the answer to this problem though her. While I KNOW that, it’s like I don’t want to stop, it’s like playing a game, and the more I play the better I get and the more I want to play.I don’t want to talk to him about it because I don’t want to appear weak and not the bright, lively, “wonderful” (like he liked to say) girl he met 3 years ago. I am not afraid he will go back to her. Despite the fact that he is the one who left her and that he assured me that I am the ONE for him. I’m afraid she wrecked him somehow and he can’t give me a 100% of himself, and I loathe her for that. In a weird way, I want to be like her as if that would pull him closer to me. We love each other so much already, and I KNOW that what I need to do is work at our relationship to make it even stronger. The whole thing is consuming me.I desperately need the button where I press: GAME OVER.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009): Stalking is horrible you need to get a grip before you become an ex girlfriend. Sorry to be blunt but you are ruining your own relationship and probably making misery for the ex who probably just wants to move on with her own life. Talk to your partner more focus on building your own self esteem and the relationship with your partner, he is going out with you now not her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): I too, have a strange fixation with my boyfriends ex. I have no clue why. We've been together for over a year...and he is absolutely amazing. He's assured me on multiple occasions that he wants nothing to do with her, and that he loves me. And that's the thing...I'm not concerned about that. I know he doesn't want her. She's engaged now and seems to be very happy, and as far as I know, they don't talk anymore. I did meet her once, at a party...and managed to be civil to her. She continued to send him e-mails and texts trying to convince him to take her back, even after meeting me. And sent him a very inappropriate text on Valentine's day...knowing that he was with me. Not cool. He seemed to be unaffected by it...but it still irritated me. Mostly because I was so nice to her when we met. That was over a year ago, and I still think about her every day!
I'm not sure if it's because I'm jealous (she happens to be absolutely gorgeous), or because she was the one right before me...I've met some of his other ex girlfriends and am even pretty good friends with one. So why her?? I hate it. I really wish I could understand why she always pops in my head. My life would be much easier if she didn't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): It's facebook and myspace!!! I am married to a wonderful man whose ex I was jealous of too....his ex whom wanted to marry him, but he never would marry her...he meets me and within three months he knows i'm the one!...um hello, why was i jealous again!?!? haha! Seriously, I have been reading all of these posts and it's very comforting to know your not alone, but I seriously believe this all stems b/c we have access to their personal lives through myspace and facebook! i was in a serious relationship before and myspace and facebook was not around and i was still jealous then as much as i am now, but i could have given two craps about his exes! I got jealous of the girls i could SEE that were around him that I knew flirted with him, but not his exes b/c his exes were not around....key word "see"...out of sight, out of mind....so it's something to think about and consider. and pretty much, nothing is going to stop a man from getting what he wants, he either will cheat on you with the ex, or dump you for her..if you know he is not cheating on you with her and he is with you and not her, then there is no point in stressing over it b/c if he wanted to be with her, he would be!! And you know a valuable lesson i learned too was, DON'T TALK ABOUT YOUR PAST!!! past is in the past! if I could go back, I never would have even asked her name!! and stay away from facebook and myspace! lol it's poison!!! :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009): i just googled i hate my boyfriends ex and i am very happy it took me to this site. I am so happy that I'm not the only crazy bitch here. Thing is my boyfriend and i have only been together a few months and ever since we started dating his ex's can't seem to leave him alone. I have become acustomed to stalking his facebook page and reading everything from them. The only one that really bothers me is the one ex he is still friends with. At first i didn't know they used to date until i stalked back to a year ago this time and saw all the "I love you, babe, & hun" comments. Disgusting and she still comments him like everyday. When he first started taking me out ill never forget one comment his friend made "how did you go from brittany to her. This girl is gorgeous." And it makes me feel better to know that im more attractive than his ex but at the same time I can't deny this girls spunky fun personality. which is similar to mine but I'm losing my up beat attitude by always thinking about her with him. It drives me crazy. i feel like im arm candy and this girl just had so much fun with him. Ugh i feel sick just thinking about it and whats worse is that whenever i start thinking about it i get mad and start fights with him i dont want to bring up how his ex makes me feel bc i dont want to sound weak or like anyone is better for him than me but i have been on the verge of breaking up with him several times but i can't ever bring myself to do it because if it wasn't for the ex...he would be perfect
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2009): I thought I was alone. My first boyfriend deliberately rubbed his exes in my face, and I was so ashamed and hateful. He told me that I was a b*tch and had problems for feeling so helpless and jealous. Now after divorcing him after 10 long years, I realize that was cruel and abusing. I'm finally with a good guy who doesn't do that. However, my boyfriend now stays friends with his ex on myspace, but he was very down to earth when he told me that they email back and forth and she recently got married, complaining to him about how much she hated her husband. It was like daggers in my heart. That makes me so unhappy, but I'm terrified of being labeled crazy for feeling this way. He spends all his time with me, but honestly though, the thought is such a turnoff, I have a hard time coping silently with this obsession, it's secretly destroying an otherwise blissfully happy relationship. I can't talk to him about it, he got mad at me once for being upset. I tried to keep my cool and ask him gently why he's mad at me, and his answer was that I'm letting something stupid cause problems, that I'm not seeing how special our own relationship is. He turned around and HE was the one hurting. :( What's wrong with me, is this really what relationships are like? I don't know if I ever want another one.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2009): I cannot believe how many other people feel or have felt as I have been (and kinda still do) about the dreaded boyfriend ex girlfriend.The story was a bit crazy, me and my boyfriend worked together for about two years and always fancied each other but he was with this other girl, and they got engaged and had a child. I am ashamed to admit that we got involved when we really shouldnt have and that he left her for me and the whole thing was the biggest and most horrific mess I have ever experienced. Understandably there were big repurcussions and a few days after it had blown up, he went to see her, they got drunk and ended up having sex. I found out and was gutted (still am) and it makes me feel even worse to know that she must have felt even worse when finding out about us. I know what i did was wrong, and it seems wrong that I should try and get over it, it kind of seems like my punishment. But im letting it take over me and it has been for ages. I constantly wonder if im good enough, even though we have been together for almost 2 years now, and like many of you others, he has said that he loves me more than anyone else he has ever known. So, I feel that I have learnt a bit from reading these posts, I am no longer going to check facebook, or every now and then ask him questions, I am going to realise that he is with me. And this is something we all need to remember, he is with you, he wants you, he finds you unbelievably attractive. And remember when you used to fancy guys and then you'd look back and think why?! I believe its the same thing. I dont know if anyone will ever read this, but it feels good to let it out, even if I dont really deserve any help. Thank you everyone for sharing something that I thought was just some crazy issue that i had. I hope you all find that peace of mind that you deserve.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): this is weird.ive been dating this amazing guyfor 9 months. but i keep thinking about his ex. they dated for over ayear. she works at the same place as us. i dont know why but i feellike theres a huge elephant in the roon when i think of her.i know hes completely over her...butwhy do i still think about it??
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2009): I HATE my boyfriends exes. I'm not someone who is hateful at all usually, but when it comes to my boyfriend, I recognise that I am a little unhinged.
He's my first boyfriend and Im 16. He's my best friend and my lover. We do everything together and I'm happiest when I'm with him. I have a lot of family problems and he's been my rock through them.
But I've found since my jealousy over his exes started i've become really insecure, needy and jealous. I call him all the time and feel like Im chasing him. He is the sweetest guy ever and writes me poems and constantly tells me he loves me but this only makes me cling to him more.
His exes are from his old school so he doesnt see them much seem to always be in contact him. He went to his last ex gfs party and I almost died of jealousy. I spent the whole night thinking about them together, especially as this particular one was his last gf before me and pretty and blonde and liked him. I just felt, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?
i didnt stop him from going but now, if im honest, i would. im different now.
i just want him all to myself. i get jealous if he's with his family FFS...i think im going mad.
i cant stop myself.
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female
reader, claireee +, writes (15 December 2008):
i'm relieved i'm not the only one feeling like this! my situation is: ive been with my boyfriend for nearly a year who i love very much, he's the second relationship ive had, he lost his virginity to me and i'm his first 'real relationship'. but the problem is, not long before me he was with a girl from my school who i've always seen around but never spoken to, they were only together for about two weeks and only ever kissed (i think?!) anyway, she broke up with him cause she 'wasn't over her ex' and my boyfriends best friend once told me he was upset for ages over her. :( this is so pathetic and sad but i can't stop comparing myself to her and i'm like obsessed with the girl, it doesnt help having to see her at school everyday and everyone seems to like her but i dont know why cos she is a total attention seeker and acts all cute and innocent all the time when she is actually so bitchyy, she's always breaking up with her friends, slagging them off and making up with them again. i hate that shes been with my boyfriend and he really liked her, even though it was a ridiculous amount of time they spent together!!arghh i feel so crazy and i check her bebo and myspace profile every single day to compare myself to her and her pictures. i think shes got a unique prettyness which really irritates me but shes short and chubby! i dont know what to do anymore, i feel horrible writing this. they dont even speak to each other anymore, i dont think i could cope if they did! but its got to the point where i stop him going out with his friends cos i worry she will be there and theyll start to like each other again! someone shoot me :( another thing that is upsetting me right now is a memory of when me and my boyfriend had been dating for about two months, and i went to meet him to watch him play football. his mates and SHE was there and i cant remember what was happening exactly but he was trying to snatch something off her jokingly and when she saw me she like moved away from him and he came over to me acting normal :S i hate her so much! and why was he even speaking to her? god help me really xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2008): I have dated many men before .. but have never felt like this about there ex's .. i never cared! She like she made me feel this way! After she has been stalking me for so long it feels like i need to check up on her social networking sites to see if she has said anything more about me or has done anything to try get at me...
do you not thing its sad the fact she uploaded a couple of days ago pictures of them when they were goin out together only ( its been 2 years) do you not think the only reason she is doing it is to get at me!!! maybe if she just fe*ked off i wouldnt be having this problem!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2008): Wow... it's really sad that all of these girls are so insecure. Is it that you absolutely cannot live without a man in your lives or is it something else? Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship. If it's gone, it's time to move on. Everybody has a past. Are the women posting these saying they have never dated before? How would you feel if you were scrutinized for every little thing and every man you ever dated? What a crappy feeling. I had a man do that to me and I no longer wanted to be around him because it was costant jealousy and false accusations. If you keep accusing someone of something they are not doing, they will see no reason not to do it any longer because if you're gonna pay the price, you may as well commit the crime. This sounds harsh, but you need to evaluate your self-esteem problems and see if there is something deeper going on. That is no way to live -- in constant competition mode. What kind of a relationship is that? None. Either accept him for who he is and what his past has been or move on. He cannot undo his past... and as much as you may wish you could... neither can you. You can not have a future living in the past. Get over it or let him go and be happy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2008): Hi girls
was so relieved to find this forum , I am not the only one with this problem . I am 30, me and my boyfriend been together for over year and a half now. He is an amazing man and I know he loves me dearly . Recently he has received an invitation to his friends wedding and I know that his ex from roughly 15 years ago will be there as shes the grooms sister. Since finding out I cant stop obsessing about it , always thinking what she may look like , if he will find her attractive etc .
I know its pathetic because it was such along time they were together but for some reason I cant stop. I am even considering not going to the wedding as I am not sure I can be in the same room as a person my man once laid his hands on. Shes now married with kids so I am sure her family will be there but that just does not stop me from hating her. I want to go and be the bigger person and handle it all well but I am scared once actually there I will lose it and end up saying something stupid. I have mentioned it to my boyfriend already and he just got mad saying I dont trust him and he would rather just go on his own. I can honestly say though I trust my man 100% he is very honest and trustworthy. Hes says I am insecure but I dont think so , I am very lucky to naturally have a good figure and a pretty face , have done a lot of modeling over the years so looks are not an issue for me. However I do know my boyfriend has never gonne for blondes ( I am naturally blond ) hes always dated brunettes spanish italian looking types of girls. And I know this woman got those sort of looks , what if he finds her really attractive again and starts to remember the good times they had together and what it would be like if.....?
I know I am paranoid and its really sad thinking like this, its a waste of time but I cant help it. My boyfriend always says ,,you know I have never gonne for blondes but I am with you and I love you , isnt that enough ? ,, He is right but somehow that doesnt help. I want nothing more that start a family and get married but I cant see it happening with thoughts like that and certainly my boyfriend cant.
Any of you been in a situation like this or similar please?
Will really appreciate your opinions and help.
Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2008): im in the same boat! i can not stop look at my boyfriend ex page on the net! but the thing that started me off was because she was stalking me! she comment to her friend about me ( not actually my name but ... you know when there taliking about you) or saying that " oh he's texted me again" when he hasn't my boyfriend hate her and has no time for her at all. she is gone to the stage now where she rings his sister and trys to meet up with her to get info, she up loaded pcitures of the two of them together from holidays and different ni9ghts out when they were together ( which is nearly 2 years agao) she contacts his friends too adn the talks to her friends on line about it because i know she know i see them !!! she drives me mad sometimes!!! She has even gone to the stage of getting friendly with my boyfriends friends sister .. how sad is that! We meet up with his mates one weekend they were over .. and she went out of her way to meet up with them after wards on the sly of course ... she just happened tyo end up in the same bar as them !!! Seriously!!! im not as bad as what i use to be though .. ive blocked her from facebook so she cant see my profile and also put my bebo on private! ... she still manages though to check all my mates pages and if i wrote anything she go and talk baout the same thing to her mates but just make it better!!! Im sooo close to contacting her ..but i know i'd only regret it and knowing her she'll make me out to be some physio childish person and thats defo not what i want!!!! my boyfriend know whats she doin but thinks im over reacting ..but after reading all these posts i now know im not!!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): The thing we jealous and curious ladies need to remember is that our boyfriends' relationships ended...and usually for good reasons. Don't try to dress like the ex, or emulate them! Be yourself, because they chose you and are no longer with the ex. So we must be doing SOMEthing right on our own, we don't need the ex as an example :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): me again, same gal as below!I fogot to mention that I had at one point when we first started dating I found an old old cam-corder in his closet when he was at work one day and left me in his place. I found a little tape --and what do you know, it was a sex tape, very blurry but I got to see what she was like, what she liked to do etc..In some ways I was happy I saw it or that I know she is pretty and sucessfull b/c it makes me more ambitions, or makes me want to be better than her in bed LOL! wow...I'm pretty confident in life, but when it comes to other women that may be competing for men..I'm terrible! BUT hey I got him! like I said in the previous message, WORK ON YOURSELF. this does not mean I won't continue to look on their pages...I'm way to curious. It actually gives me something to compete against. I thought it was funny that I read a few times that others have copied outfits, etc.. form the ex's ! I too have been like hmmm...I should get one of those, only better! hehe (sorry about all my errors, I didn't proof read)LOL
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): I just read an article in MarieClaire magazine about this exact thing and then I came across this site because I too suffer from this!! Only, it's not only one girl.... I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we live far away from his ex(THANK GOD) but I was obsessed over it for a long time. The funny thing is I know his email password cause he often asks me to check it for him. I know she is not emailing him....she used to and he showed me. I check her myspace, facebook all that in hopes of finding new pics that I can look at and compare myself to. She has gained tons of weight but I still look at her and think she is gorgeous. At one point I even dyed my hair like hers and I had an obsession with tanning ecuase I was worried he liked the darker look, she is dark skinned. I know it's really so sad. When we first started dating I found a photo album he had with pictures of her in it. She is very pretty and I remember shaking in jealousy just looking at them. The only thing is I have heard nothing but bad things about her from friends of her friends etc. And I know I'm attractive but I'm still very insecure when it comes to looks.I'm really working on other aspects of my life now..learning to cook well, exercise, education, and new hobbies. But i work online so its very hard when Im bored not to do a quick search!!!IT DOESNT STOP HERE! I have cheated on my boyfriend a few times while we were together. One of the guys I cheated on my bf with started dating this girl after our "fling"...Again I started looking through all her pictures and I'm happy when I see her faults and the fact she cannot spell anything!Just recently I was talking to a guy on myspace who contacted me, we were talking on the phone... and I found he had a gf afterwards...she posts frequently on a blog and I check it about 3 times a day now. The funny thing is..she is very smart and I actually have started to admire her, she seems like someone I would want to hang out with. It's almost like since the ex of my current boyfriend is not around and doesn't log into myspace anymore and got rid of her facebook...I had to create new girls/woman to compare myself to..and I found it in the form of my flings new girlfriends.I to copy the pictures, enlarge them and look at the makeup they are wearing or not wearing...how they do their nails, hair, etc. And I compare myself to this! I will not be able to stop I know that until I lose interest. For a minute I actually thought I was going lezbo. LOL! I'm definetly stalking them online! I can only help myself I've realized..Im working on what makes me me...I know he loves me and want to marry me someday.It's not even that that Im worried about.I dont know what it is!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2008): I am in a long distance relationship with my bf. We only get to see each other every other weekend and when we are together it is totally awesome. We get on so well and the sex is the best I have ever known. When we are not together we speak on the phone often, starting from first thing when we wake up then every couple of hours while we are at work through to when we get home and chat for a couple of hours then again at bedtime...He rarely goes out BUT when he does he still calls me / text me cos he knows how paranoid I am. Its not that I dont trust him but I know that he hooked up with a friend when he was drunk (a long time before me) and so I just worry that he may forget about me when he is drinking (yeah even though he continues to phone/text!) and get off with someone.He was not in a relationship for about three years before he met me because he was getting over his ex who two timed him and then broke up with him -only to marry and get pregnant with the new guy. She still continued to call him though with her problems, even though she was married. He says he hasnt heard fron her since April (he met me in April) and all the weekends and time we have been together I have never known his phone to ring or for him to get a text from her, so I do believe she is finally gone - BUT I am obsessed with the thought that he still loves / wants her because in those three years before he met me he still wanted her.He hasnt said he loves me but his actions show that he cares for me alot. I am very loving and passionate with him and he says that he likes that I am so emotional and loving. He does admit that he has trouble with saying how he feels BUT I obsess that he told her that he loved her...whether he did or not I have no idea. Basically I am at the point now where all I can think about his him. I sometimes check his facebook just to see if any girls have sent him hugs or messages and I really hate being like this. Someone tell me why I am like this cos I am going crazy with these feelings.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): I'm 41 and I can't stop looking at my boyfriend's ex-wife's match.com page. Torture. No matter how old you are it sucks. I'm prettier and younger and he left her but she won't stop calling and being a pain in my butt. She doesn't even live in the same town with us. I wish I could stop looking at her page and thinking about her, she is ruining my otherwise good relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008): I had been searching online for a while for a forum like this! It's nice to know that we are not alone. It's so hypocritical of me, but I am SO jealous and curious about my boyfriend's ex. The thing is, I have a super friendly relationship with my ex boyfriend, and I don't want to end the friendship even though my boyfriend feels a little weird about it. My boyfriend doesn't even TALK to his ex, but I am still so envious of her! It makes me feel terrible to feel so irrational...especially because I know how much it hurts if I talk to my ex, and I know exactly how my guy must feel. But my current guy is SO much better for me than my ex ever was! Not to mention more handsome, smarter, more motivated, and so on! No matter how much my boyfriend assures me how 'great' I am, I can't believe him. Typical, right ladies?!
Essentially, this jealousy stems from an inherent insecurity that we have with ourselves...that's why we get jealous of exes that are (when you look at them objectively) definitely less awesome/beautiful than us. It doesn't matter if they were bitchy and ugly, we would STILL be jealous! So what we need to do is read some self-help books, and what I've done was write down a list of my virtues and vices. You can see all the things you like about yourself...and these will probably be the things your boyfriend loves about you. You can list all your 'bad points', and I bet that they all are SYMPTOMS of insecurity. So, once we fix that, we will be happier, healthier beings who we like better ourselves!
Let's try to think objectively. Let's look at these girls from ANY other stand point than as the girlfriend of the said boyfriend. Look at this woman as you would any woman on the street. she probably wouldn't turn your head. And it's you who turns his head now!
Let's stay happy :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): I'm getting over this as we speak. Talking it out with my boyfriend, getting him to tell me EVERYTHING about her has done wonders. The 'stalking' her has nearly stopped. She now longer interests me, I know she's just a crazy girl with no reason to be jealous. TALK to your boyfriend. If he loves you he'll be willing to tell you about his relationship with the 'ex' just to make you feel better. The thing I found that really helped was that this time, I MADE SURE he told be everything and didn't skip any gorey details. When I realized what they had was really nothing, I lost interest in her completely. It. Just. Stopped. Right there and then, after 4.5yrs...it was over, there was no more need to check her pages, and dig up dirt about her. There was no more dirt to find.
It. Feels GREAT.
I wish you luck ladies...I won't be coming back to this page. I've never been happier. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): Ok is it just me or when every time an ex posts a comment saying she's being stalked by her boyfriends girlfriend you think it juuust might be YOU she's talking about? Creepy...
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2008): Hello, I did a search and found this site BECAUSE my ex's girlfriend is stalking me and I wanted to try to understand why. She is constantly writing me emails and messages and telling me how much better she is for him than I was. I have a boyfriend and I don't even bother with my ex, so I don't know why she is doing this, I just want it to stop already! Please all of you out there, remember that the person you are stalking is going through a lot too.
I did not ask to be in this situation and I hate that I am in it. I wish all women can just love themselves, their bodies and be confident!
If this makes anyone feel better: I am the ex and I do not want my ex back, I don't even consider it, you all have no reason to feel insecure (unless your BF is making you feel that way, in that case, leave his ass!)
xo
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2008): E.V - I know how you feel!! and I too blame my boyfriend for telling me all this stuff in the first place.I know what perfume his ex wears/wrore, what songs were 'their's., where she lived and where she now lives. how her parents met, her birthday, how her first boyfriend broke her heart. I know that she suffers with polycystic ovaries. i know that she had bad skin and wore lots of makeup to hide acne.i know where she works and who her best friends are.i didnt stalk her to get this information. it all just happened to 'come up' in conversation.My boyfriend knows NOTHING of my past! not even their names!! grrrrI knew there were photos of his ex in the house somwhere of a trip to canada they took and i rooted and rooted until i found them and then i tortured myself looking at them imagining how much he loved her when he took them, what they were doing, laughing about when she struck certain poses, whether he ever framed any of these pictures..it drives me mad to think of him loving her so much and of her breaking his heart and making him cry.I hate her without even knowing her.its cooo frustrating, i feel like a child
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008): Oh my god, I'm suffering from the same problem! I sent an email to "stalkertherapy", so I'll copy and paste it here. I'm 25 years old. Ok, so here's the rub. I have just gotten into a new relationship and have been with my boyfriend for only about 5 months. I met him on a dating website (don't worry, he lives only 20 minutes away from me, and I spend nearly every weekend with him) and before we met he and I chatted on the phone. We talked for 3 hours (he did most of the talking, actually), and 80% of the conversation was about his ex girlfriend. He'd been with her for seven years and she dumped him for someother guy. Six months after their breakup, she got married to this new guy lickety-split !! It totally devastated my boyfriend.
That was four years ago. She lives in another state, far away Anyways, then I come into the picture. After our first conversation, I was like whoah, this dude isn't over his ex. I should run! But he assured me she was out of the picture, and he was over her, etc. So we started seeing eachother. We fell in love and started what would be a perfect relationship if it weren't for HER. See after he and I became an item, guess who decides to call him out of the blue? You guessed it! She wanted to ask him for a favor for school; something to do with a thesis paper or something for her husband. She wanted my boyfriend to help her out with it (wtf??!). They start talking, and he tells her about me. And she says, "Tell your new girlfriend that if she ever mistreats you, I'm taking you back, ok?" WHAT THE HELL???
Anyways, after that I just about had it. I told my bf that I was tired of hearing about her. No matter what we're doing, she just ended up coming up! Even though he hasn't heard from her in four years, she's married (and pregnant, btw), now all of the sudden it's Josey-this, Josey-that, Josey Josey Josey! He even showed me pictures of his vacation to Europe, and that b*tch was in every other shot!! Enough already!!We almost got into a fight over it; he said I shouldn't be jealous because he hated her guts and she was a mean-aweful bitch, controlling, manipulative monster that even his friends hate, and the only reason why he kept talking about her was because seven years is a long time and she was a huge part of his twenties (he's older then me by six years), and I'm so much better then she is, he's shocked and marvels at the fact. After that he said he wouldn't talk so much about her. And so it stopped (thank god).
But...
Now I'M insecure. I mean, jeez! You can't start a relationship on that sort of foundation! And what she said haunts me. What did she mean by "she'll take him back"?? When they were together was he like some sort of puppet on a string that she could make him do whatever she wanted? (I wondered about that) If so, what if she DOES convince him to go back with her??? Seven years IS A LONG TIME...Her sister once came to Miami for vacation, and he drove her around (much to my dismay. I know she's not the same person, but I was tired of her and her crew all the same!!) as a favor. What if SHE ever comes here?? What'll he do? Will she try and pull a fast one?? What if he can't resist her??? After all, what have I got to offer him? We've only known eachother for five months, and she's known him for over a decade. They have so much more history! AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!
He still has her number on his phone...I HATE that, but I haven't mentioned anything to him about that...
And those pictures of Europe?? Everything inside me wants to find them next time I go to his house (I know where they are) and just stare at them and wonder if she's prettier then me. She's fatter and has a flabbier stomach, and her face is alittle plain-jane, whereas I'm a professional model/actress. But she's got clearer skin then me and has bigger boobs and longer hair... I wonder does he like her boobs better then mine? Her hair's straight, and mine's Shirley-Temple-curly. Does he prefer her hair to mine? I once blow-dried my hair straight, and he said it was sexier, though he felt the curls gave me more personality. THAT DROVE ME CRAZY! Didn't he think my curls were sexy, too?
He once told me I gave him WAY better sex then she ever did. That freaked me out; was he compairing us all along? It's like finding out there's a hidden camera somewhere or something.
Over the past two months, he hasn't spoken of (or to) her. I've been patient, and I think she's FINALLY out of his system. He doesn't even think of her anymore....BUT I DO!!!!
I'm so insecure, I've been trying to find her myspace, but no dice. And knowing those pictures are there drives me up the wall, even if I resist looking at them (which I have, so far). I think I'm cracking up!! AND IT'S ALL HIS STUPID FAULT! If he hadn't yacked so much about her in the beginning, I wouldn't care if she lived in the same TOWN!! I know he had unresolved crap he had to get off his chest, but now I'M the one with it!!
HELP!!
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I'm not a stalker yet, but if I don't get this outta me somewhere I might very well give her a call just to find out if her VOICE sounds prettier then mine!!! HOW PATHETIC IS THAT???
Thanks,
E.V.
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reader, TorontoGirl +, writes (12 September 2008):
I'm 23, my bf and I met freshman year of college and have been together since...its been 4 years and I still check her page everyday. I feel like such a nut when I do it...
My bf and his ex were highschool sweethearts but she dumped him before college started. I think it all stems from the fact that she hasn't really moved on yet, and it kind of feels like 'revenge' to invade her privacy. This girl has stalked me since the day I met my boyfriend...before we were even interested in each other she would find my accounts online and write weird things on them criticizing me.
Even though they were broken up for almost a year before we dated, she still hung around him all the time, and tried to push her way between us. I've tried being nice to this girl but there's not use, she just writes horrible things about me online. She's even gone as far as to prank call my phone during college and show up outside my dorm (we all went to the same college).
I think my insecurity about her stems from the fact that I thought my bf was cheating on me with his ex early on in our relationship. He denies this emphatically and I believe him...but the hurt has never gone away.
I've also never understood what he saw in her...she dumped him 3 times, and he went back all 3 times. She's very unattractive, and has an awful, extremly COLD personality (think ice queen - no facial expression. NOTHING). In fact during college people used to refer to her as "Crazy" because she would simply glare a people who attempted to be nice to her.
Basically she and I have nothing in common, and I can't understand how the same guy could be interested in both of us. She extremely shy, and tries to play the 'cute angle', where as I'm atheletic and vary out going. Its extremely weird because I have never been so insecure about a bf's ex before in my life, and she is by far the least attrative. Logically speaking I have nothing to be afraid of...all of my bf's friends have told me this. Everyone who knows both me and his ex keeps on saying that I'm way out of his league and that he's traded up. But I still can't shake the feeling that he's lying to me about something.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2008): I am so glad that I found this site, I thought that I was the only one going mad.I used to check my boyfriend's facebook account everyday (she has an open profile). I used to look at all of her new pictures, wall and current status. I would always feel so angry with myself for looking down her profile- who is she to me?????? I shouldn't even be giving her the time of the day! She is also ugly and dumb, so I have nothing to worry about but I created this obession that I couldn't get out of. I think this was because she was obessed with me, she couldn't stand the fact that I was with 'her' boyfriend and that I am prettier than her. She has even tried to copy the same work field that I am in, trying to dress like me and even pose like me in pictures!Then one day, I checked facebook and one of her friend's had written something horrible about me on her wall. She had also updated her status, and I knew it was aimed at me. I felt so sick, I wanted to punch her.In the end, I blocked her so that I can't view her facebook anymore. I think it has helped alot, because what I don't know doesn't hurt me. This has taken alot to do this, but has helped me get over it and enjoy my relationship with my boyfriend that I love so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): I'm 21.. I do the same thing! Ugh.. even though it's clear he's "just not that into her" anymore, it still bothers me and I still find myself curious about her. i check her myspace usually once a day. ahhhhh i'm such a loser!! haha
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2008): How old are you girls? Im 18 right now and dealing w. this very exact thing. I can't seem to stop checking my boyfriend ex's page.... grrrrrr
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2008): I can't even tell you how relieved I feel to read all of your posts. I'm not crazy!! ha.. and hypothetically, even if I WAS crazy, at least we are all crazy and in this together, amen? Ladies.... what is wrong with us? It sounds as though we are all competent, beautiful women who are otherwise happy in our relationships. So why the obesession? I wish I could figure it out and fix it..but part of me doesn't want to. I'm sure you can relate. It's quite satisfying and borderline addictive every time a new picture or fact about said ex-girlfriend is discovered.. you know the feeling? I am dating an incredible guy and have been for close to three years now, yet I can't get over his past. Compared to mine, it's squeeky clean.. however, digging up info and pictures via mypsace, facebook, etc of the HANDFUL of ladies he's dated has turned into an obsessive hobby. Has anyone else created fake Facebook accounts for different networks just to view profiles? Or add friends of hers to hunt for pictures? ughhh I'm not a psycho stalker, I swear. I've read similar statements, so just to throw this out there, I'm a very intelligent, well-spoken, attractive individual. Definitely not your typical "cyber-stalker." And yet here I sit, venting about my stalking problems. I compare myself to them constantly, and find myself jealous of them, as well as curious on the admittedly CREEPIEST details. What are they wearing? What kind of perfume do they wear? What would it be like to be friends with them? It's like a detective game, of sorts. Here's my best guess as to why we do this.. It's probably just a odd social manifestation of our lingering insecurities. Maybe we're still shaping who WE are, and since we love our boyfriends so much, we're looking to girls he loved in the past to help us decide what we should be like. Since he liked them before, obviously, there's something desireable about them. Ehhh that's all I've got for now. I know I'd definitely like to talk to other girls with the same problem about this because I'm too embarrased to bring it up to my boyfriend or even my close friends. So here's an idea.. message me. I created a hot mail account (I'm typing it out weirdly in hopes that this website won't block the e mail address, as if often does) Anyways, this is the best e mail addy I could come up with... kinda cheesy.. haha.. but it's stalkertherapy at hott mmail. (spelled normally though.. like I said, I'm typing it weird so it will hopefully be allowed) Also, if you have face book, add my fake account.. Rylee Rockefeller in the Des Moines, IA network. I do not live in or even close to iowa, i just randomly picked it to hide my real identity, on the OFFCHANCE that somebody I know reads this and recognizes me. Crazy, I know :) Anyways, hope to hear from some of you and maybe we can set up some sort of support network or just swap stories. Good luck and remember.. he's with us now. theoretically.. that's all that matters, right?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2008): Slowly but surely getting over this prob but has taken almost 2 years! Found it a gr8 help 2 c how many feel exactly like I do/did & that I'm not just a green eyed freak! Even though I'm not a quarter as bad as I used 2 b, I have my bad days but they're becoming less & less! I think its all out of curiosity to see why did he fancy her and what was so good about her that he went out with her. My advice is not to go down the road of getting all the details from your boyf about his relationship with his ex. I did this b4 with an ex boyf of mine & it made me 1000 times worse and I just couldnt get over it. With my new boyf I told him from the start that while I accepted he had been in a long term relationship I didnt want to know anything about his ex apart from why they broke up - fortunately he finished with her as he realised he just didnt love her and got to the stage that he couldnt see a future with her. Unfortunately his friends seem to feel obliged to drunkenly tell me about his ex but fortunately for me they vouched for his story! I think it does make it harder though if your boyf was the one that was dumped. At the end of the day what matters is that your boyf is with you now and if you believe him when he tells you he loves you etc. & u feel the same then you need to just accept the fact that he has an ex(s), u cant change the past but just move on with your relationship! U must rem that you too are probably an ex girlfriend yourself and probably have some new girl stalking you also! Also this jealousy thing works in reverse with ex girlfriends stalking their ex boyfriends new girls. So update your bebo/facebook/myspace profile with a pic of ur boyf & u looking fabulous & happy!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): Wow, I can't believe I found this site! I have been obsessed with my boyfriends ex for about a year now. It started when I somehow came across her facebook and its been downhill ever since. I knew her before my boyfriend and I started dating because me and him were friends and she would come out with us once in awhile. The thing is, my boyfriend (friend at the time) always told all of us that he couldn't stand her and that he wanted to break up with her. His friends would make fun of her (behind her back of course) and say she was ugly and crazy. She neverliked me and always went out of her way to be a bitch, I'm assuming she knew her boy had a bit of a crush on me at the time. I was never jealous of her during this time and I never thought I would be. She really is not anything special and the fact that my boyfriend dumped her and our friends made fun of her should tell me something. It doesn;t though. I still check her facebook atleast once a day and compare myself to her like crazy. I think :is shereally that ugly?...maybe people think shes better looking than I am". I always look at pictures to see what she's wearing and sometimes try to copy a look. Its ridiculous and I wish I neverwould have found her facebook. I never thought it would get to this point. I hate thinking that I can never go back to the image I had of her before, an image that was probably a lot more realistic since I actually used to hang out with her in person. I know that facebook makes people seem a lot better than what they are. They seem more popular and sweeter and more happy, even better looking since they put pictures of themselves looking their best. I know my boyfriend loves me and is completely over her. He broke up with her and was happier than I had ever seen him before. We started seeing each other not too long after and he admitted that he had a crush on me for a long time but couldn't do anything because I had had a boyfriend while we were friends as well. Its not even about him, its just that I hate thinking of them together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): Hey ladies, been that done that. Here's my advice. Tell your boyfriend about your insecurities. 1) Tell him why (e.g. you think she's prettier, they've been together longer, they see each other on a daily basis....). This will be the hardest step for you both. 2) Tell him to be frank, about EVERYTHING. Ask him to tell you every detail about their past relationships. This will be an even harder step. 3) Talk about it. Joke about it. Get over it. It's not esay but it works. Trust me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): hi,
you have no idea how happy i was to find this website, i am going through the same thing as you guys, particularly the lady that posted on the very top of this first page on the right.(is there anyway of contacting her? i situation seems identical.. i am ridiculously obsessed,and it is consuming my life, not a single day goes bye that i do not think about my bfs ex. until recently when my bf finally deleted the hundreds of photos he had on his computer, i would at every oppurtunity have a look and study the photos, i think she is gorgeous, and definately more his type than i am. she was small, dark hair and dark eyes, i am 6ft blobde and blue eyes! (until yesterday when i dyed my hair dark brown in an attempt to be more like her, but then kept asking my bf "it doesnt remind you of her does it" I used to love reading letters seeoing pictures anything to do with her.finally he got rid of most of her stuff. the only thing i can look at now when im obsessing about her is the plane tickets from when he went to visit her (shes american, they met via chat room) and old cinema tickets, checking the dates finding out which films he went to see with her, and checkin her profile every day, and her relatives profiles just incase i shud find a pic or any information. yep i got it pretty bad. theres so much more i could tell you, if anyone can mail me personally to help, it feels great to share this with someone.
this is my email if anyone wants to talk. [email address blocked]
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): I've posted on here a few times so far, and I want to tell you all that I'm really not making much progress. I still obsessively check her Myspace (which I had to create a fake profile in order to do so) and Facebook.She has the perfect body, or what I have convinced myself is the perfect body. She is around 5'5" and a size 0 or 1, maybe 2 or 3 at most. Her boobs are huge for her body -- they are probably a C cup. I am tall and slender, with wider hips. My breasts are barely a b cup. I don't even know if they ever made it to B cup, honestly.I compare myself to her obsessively. I feel like she is so much more attractive than me. I can't help but think my boyfriend PREFERS her body to mine. I cried the other night because I wished my body could be as perfect as hers. My boyfriend doesn't know I check her websites obsessively. He doesn't even know I really know anything about her.I want to quit and forget about her. She was a slut. She cheated on him. I just can't help it. They were each others' firsts. I know I need to stop this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): Ok I am also suffering from ex girlfriend sydrome! I neverrrr knew other people related to this because when I try talking to my friends about it they make me feel psycho and tell me I just need to stop, they don't understand. It's so much easier said than done. I'm constantly looking for her car when I'm driving, wondering where she lives, what she's doing, what she's wearing! I always hope to see her out one day when I'm looking and feeling my best with my boyfriend so I can mean mug the shit out of her or something! Lol I check her myspace every day (a few times a day), all her friend's myspace's, I'm always checking to see if she's updated her default, hoping that she hasn't because I'll most likely examine it for hours. Her page is on private so Ive made multiple fake myspace's to look at her page and I've actually even gotten caught by her! That's a whole different long story...It's like I have no control over it and I don't wanna look at her page but my body manages to open up the lap top type up myspace on the tool bar and look up her user name. I'm sick of it! Ive been doing this for 3 years now! The more we check, the more obsessed we are going to become. This is a serious problem. It can cause depression! Let's all just make a promise to ourselves to stop cold turkey...stop looking at her page, and tie a rubber band around your wrist so that every time you think about her you can pull it on and tell yourself to stop. Lolll it's funny but worth a try, right? there's obviously something our boyfriends love more about us than them because they're with US! And it doesn't matter if she broke up with him, that doesn't mean he's with you because he can't be with her. Trust me, there is absolutely nothing that can stop a guy from being with the woman he wants. My boyfriend never even mentions her and he's always telling me that he's never loved anyone as much as he loves me. He is honestly the best boyfriend a woman can ask for. I trust him completely. I guess I'm just suffering from insecurities. That felt reallyyy good to let out! I hope some of you can relate and will try to stop snooping around myspaces or facebooks. I promise u it will help! I haven't looked all day today and I actually feel better =) Stay strong girls!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008): I found this site pretty easily as I to am obsessed with my boyfriend's ex...She's beautiful, but was a total bitch and treated him like crap, but they stayed together for 4 years and he is not one to put up with people's crap, so why he put up with hers? I have no idea and I think that's what bothers me so much. I have a past that he can't really stand..it really bothers him that I've been with more people than him...i googled the same thing that I found this site with but reversed it and put obsessed with my girlfriend's ex instead and found out that a lot of men HATE the fact that women sleep around and they are obsessed with our sexual pasts....and we seem to be real obsessed with their emotional pasts..and we each say the same thing, "i know i shouldn't be, but i can't help it. I may lose those great person to something I can't get over"....bottom line what this has said to me is God said only one partner for a reason and i guess we're all figuring that out the hard way......i just hope that through time i can get over the jealousy and curiosity. and he can get over my past...it really blows.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2008): I was so amazed when I found this page because every story sounded like mine.
I'm obsessed with his ex. I'm not surprised, either, because I've always been rather insecure and I've always been prone to obsessing over people easily. It's a little scary. But I feel like this is way too out of control.
I've been with my guy for almost two years now. At the beginning, he would get drunk and compare me to his ex. If I did something that upset him or that reminded him of her, he'd let me have it, as if I were the one doing him wrong. That phase ended quickly and he hasn't mentioned her, unprovoked, since. I admit, now days, I'll ask seemingly innocent questions, knowing that she'll pop up. What's wrong with me?
I check her internet sites all the time. I stare at her photos and analyze them. I'm so completely ashamed at this obsessive urge to go through and find everything about her, written by her, written to her.
But what really crushes me is that he still checks her internet sites too. It shouldn't hurt me; I do the same thing with my exes. It's curiosity, and I understand it more than he knows. And the other part of me wants to demand the reason as to why still he looks. I want to tell him I know who she is and I know he still looks at her websites. Should I? I really don't know.
My advice to anyone who has yet to go through this is to NOT PRY. Don't look for photos of them together, don't ask if he doesn't offer any information already, and don't go through his computer's history. Chances are you'll find something you won't like. And if you're like me, it will blow your self-esteem away as if it was nothing in the first place. Ignorance is bliss.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): Hello! TO be perfectly honest, I wrote on this page almost a couple of years ago, towards the end of 2006. During most of 2007 I kept checking obsessively for more stories, anything to make me think I wasn´t the only crazy person out there. But I haven't for months now, and only checked to se if it was still here. I'm still with the same guy, and though we've had our ups and downs everything's going great. And his ex? Still lonely. Still stark raving mad. Still hates me but now tries obsessively hard when she's near me (and, obviously, my boyfriend) a) to prove she's waaay over it (by trying waaaay too hard- it's creepy) and b) suddenly, out of the blue, to be nice to me. And now, I don't feel jealous anymore. Yes, they were each other's first loves, first times, whatever. But he was too young and I can see now that it really was a mistake, even though they were together a long time. I can see how different they've grown to be, and now, suddenly, I can really see I've got absolutely nothing to envy her, something that deep down I knew all along. I'm happy in my relationship, they never really were. And now that one who really has to get over it is her.So my advice comes from the heart- I KNOW how awful the situation is. But you'll get over it with time, however long it takes- almost 2 years in my case, although I was a pretty extreme case! A warm, loving relationship is enough any guy needs to get anyone else out of his mind, so relax and just be happy. ENjoy what you have. It'll make you much more secure.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): Yup. I am currently trying to figure out how to mellow out on googling and checking of the ex's myspace account. I've felt crazy for almost 4 years now...but my now ex-boyfriend definitely helped add to paranoia. He was still 'closing out' his past relationship when we started dating, and I pretty much got the crap end of the deal. Found out years later in to our relationship that he had emotionally cheated on me with her, 5 months in to our dating. I've felt so low about myself through the relationship, so I guess the fact that we're broken up now is a good thing. I finally feel like I can start healing myself and try to get my sanity back, one baby step at a time.
Best of luck to you all!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): I think that a lot of females feel the same way as you do, ME included! It's nice to be able to come here and read these stories, because I'm going through the same thing right now. I feel so stupid for even thinking the things I do, and for getting mad about things he's done in the past. I think that what made it worse is that we first met online through friends, and we talked for months online just as friends, not really thinking it would turn into anything more. So, he was really open with me, if we were on some topic and a story came up about an ex or something, he'd tell me about it. I think that now, he would be more cautious and not tell me some things he had told me before. That is part of the problem now with me, because he doesn't want to talk at all about his exes, but I know these random stories and I try and try to piece them together and match them up with the girls I have figured out who he has dated in the past.I know that he has been with four other girls before me, which doesn't bother me, but it does bother me that he won't talk to me about them. I just want to know how long ago he was seeing them and whatnot, why they broke up, things like that. He tells me he wants to keep things vague because none of it matters now, he's with me, and those girls don't matter anymore. The problem with that is that I DO want to know, so it's to the point of sneaking around and trying to find information. The one girl added me as a friend on myspace, they still work together and are friends, so he told me she was just curious about me and whatnot. She is engaged and planning her wedding, so that is not a problem for me. So far, just through his myspace, I've figured out three of the four girls for sure who he has been with. The thing that is crazy is that all of the girls aren't as pretty as me, as dumb as that sounds, and he has told me that I'm way out of his league, and he'd be crazy to ever try and screw this relationship up. It does make me feel better seeing pictures of them, and realizing that they really weren't all that great. It just hurts knowing of stories and things that he's told me in the past, knowing of specific things he's done, it makes me wonder if i'm making him as happy as they did, or if he ever thinks about them when he's with me, wishing i was more like them. Really what it comes down to is that we feel this way because we are insecure. So many women nowadays are insecure, and it drives me nuts. I am so insecure, even though people tell me all the time that i'm pretty and wonderful, etc etc. It's just a part of society now, and it's so stupid. Why can't we be confident in ourselves, love ourselves and realize how great we are, and that any guy would be crazy to leave us for any of his exes, or even think about them when we're around? I don't get it. My only advice would be to maybe talk to him, not about his exes, but about you, to make you more secure with the relationship. Ask him what he likes about you, or maybe tell him things about him that you really love, and he'll respond. Just hearing how much he loves you and cares about you, wants to spend time with you, makes you forget all of the dumb girls in his past, because they don't matter anymore. Really, he wouldn't be the person he is if he hadn't dated them, and if you love him the way he is, you need to accept his past too.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): You mean I'm not the only psycho that obsesses about her boyfriends ex??? I hate to say it, but I am so happy to hear it. Misery loves company I guess. It's gotten to the point where I'm actually considering ending the relationship because I just can't handle these feelings of jealousy and insecurity anymore. Here is what I'm trying to measure up to:
1. She's petite and pretty (I'm pretty, but nowhere near petite)
2. She's a do-gooder vegetarian earthy hippy chick. (I need hair products, meat and make-up. I sometimes recycle.)
3. She's a massage therapist (need I even elaborate?)
4. She's apparently "a very horny woman" (I'm no prude, but that description begs the question: What did she do so different than me??? Were there pyrotechnics involved? What?)
I compare myself to her in every aspect. It's gotten so bad that I can't even let myself go during sex because I keep picturing them together and comparing what we're doing to whatever it was that they did together. I constantly go through his pictures and look at the ones of her. I'm convinced that he's thinking of her constantly.
He reassures me by telling me that I"m the only woman he's ever REALLY loved and that I'm the only woman he's ever considered marrying. That their relationship was shallow because they were both so young... Yet they were together for over 5 years. Surely you don't stay together for that long if there wasn't something amazing there. She dumped him and I worry that he is only with me because he can't have her. I've even called him a liar when he's told me that he loved me... I doubt this relationship can last because I am an insecure psycho, but I have no idea how to stop these thoughts. I picture them together constantly... What to do???
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female
reader, misfitschik66 +, writes (8 June 2008):
 Hi ladies I was in the same situation with two of my relationships.. it deff takes time to get over
my first relationship was very serious i was with my ex for 3 and a half years he was older then me by 3 years and had had sex with 3 girls before (i had lost my virginity to this guy) so i was VERY jelouse of expecially 2 of his ex`s he both claimed to of loved and another girl he never had sex with but had a VERY big crush on i hated them the first girl he lost his virginity too it wasent such a big deal to me because he hated her too and he reasured me all the time she broke his heart and would never get him back BUT the second girl he was with for 5 years (mind you he cheated on her with the 3 girl) but he claimed to really love her and i hated her with a passion even though in the end he left her for me ..... »UPDATE with the ex... after 3 and a half years i left him for my current boyfriend but my ex`s new girlfriend must be jelouse or something now of me!!! because she emails me and tells me to stop harassing him and contacting him even though i havent talked to him in 2 months!!!!! (but i know how she feels)
now with my current relationship ive been with my man for a year now i love him with all my heart i totally hated his ex(whom he was with for 2 years) only because i thought she was prettier then me and smarter and was more classy and it just seemed that i wasent really my guys type(which im not) lol but he reasures me ALL the time he only loves me! but it dident matter i still hated her and wanted her to die or something horrible like that
but i know the key to getting over this crazy obsession.. mine was when i went on his facebook account and saw that he and her had a thread of conversations in the inbox i read it and it had stuff about how he wasent afraid to be committed to me in the back of my mind i was so happy i was jumping for joy thinking omg he actually talks to his ex about me and how he is in a relationship with me and is completly happy.. AND SHE DIDENT MIND...!!!
so now i don`t hate her lol
the scary thing is i showed him this site and i read some of the posts to him you girls write its something we do in our spare time
ive been completly honest with him about all this obsessive stuff and ive told him i hated his ex before and he has explained to me everything about there relationship i wanted to know...
my advice is ask questions and be honest!!!
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female
reader, misfitschik66 +, writes (8 June 2008):
Hi ladies I was in the same situation with two of my relationships.. it deff takes time to get over
my first relationship was very serious i was with my ex for 3 and a half years he was older then me by 3 years and had had sex with 3 girls before (i had lost my virginity to this guy) so i was VERY jelouse of expecially 2 of his ex`s he both claimed to of loved and another girl he never had sex with but had a VERY big crush on i hated them the first girl he lost his virginity too it wasent such a big deal to me because he hated her too and he reasured me all the time she broke his heart and would never get him back BUT the second girl he was with for 5 years (mind you he cheated on her with the 3 girl) but he claimed to really love her and i hated her with a passion even though in the end he left her for me ..... »UPDATE with the ex... after 3 and a half years i left him for my current boyfriend but my ex`s new girlfriend must be jelouse or something now of me!!! because she emails me and tells me to stop harassing him and contacting him even though i havent talked to him in 2 months!!!!! (but i know how she feels)
now with my current relationship ive been with my man for a year now i love him with all my heart i totally hated his ex(whom he was with for 2 years) only because i thought she was prettier then me and smarter and was more classy and it just seemed that i wasent really my guys type(which im not) lol but he reasures me ALL the time he only loves me! but it dident matter i still hated her and wanted her to die or something horrible like that
but i know the key to getting over this crazy obsession.. mine was when i went on his facebook account and saw that he and her had a thread of conversations in the inbox i read it and it had stuff about how he wasent afraid to be committed to me in the back of my mind i was so happy i was jumping for joy thinking omg he actually talks to his ex about me and how he is in a relationship with me and is completly happy.. AND SHE DIDENT MIND...!!!
so now i don`t hate her lol
the scary thing is i showed him this site and i read some of the posts to him you girls write its something we do in our spare time
ive been completly honest with him about all this obsessive stuff and ive told him i hated his ex before and he has explained to me everything about there relationship i wanted to know...
my advice is ask questions and be honest!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): Since everyone is sharing stories, I thought I
'd put in my two cents. I'm really worried my boyfriend is lying to me through his teeth and it's making me jealous of his ex.
My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year, but his past with his exes really confuses me. My situation is different than all of yours because my bf was in a long distance relationship with his ex and mostly conducted the relationship online and on the phone. This may make it seem like my jealousy is silly and unfounded, but you have to understand our relationship and his with his ex.
Firstly, during the first few months of our relationship he really played out his ex to have been a bitch to him and made it out that she broke his heart. She cheated on him three times and he took her back three times despite this. He told me he almost suicided over it and had to get psychological help.
Now, he tells me that he said those things out of desire to make me jealous and that the girl never meant anything to him and it was just a game. This is despite the evidence that he had a facebook and pages of blogs devoted to how the ex was "his princess" and how they were going "to be married and have children"and when they broke up how "he wished he could be his knight and save her". He wrote songs for her, and he's never written me a single one when I'm his real life partner, not some girl online.
I personally think he's lying... and though I don't go looking at her myspace and stalking her every move, I'm obsessed with his ex in my head because I really really love my boyfriend. I don't understand why he would lie to me and it makes it hurt all the more if he really did almost suicide over another girl... an online girl. It makes her seem really special.
I don't want to move past this "insecurity" part of the relationship if I can't get the clear truth from him. Why does he always change his words around, or conveniently forget major things that he should tell me as my boyfriend? Does this mean he is using me?
I can't get over his ex if he keeps changing his words around because I don't trust him anymore when he says that I've always been the only one for him. It's really hurting me. I think I've already got the answer to my problem on a silver platter: breaking up with him. I know I have to do it, but I really do love him and its so hard to make the move because he really is sweet and faithful to me other than the lies.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): The advice you need is buried deep in you heart.
"If you can't handle his past, get rid" but it's not what I want!"
Two choices, forget or move on..... Your choice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): In response to 22 April 2008
OMG, I was wondering if I had posted that message. I too, am constantly snooping on her facebook profile checking for new pictures of her to analyze. The crazy thing is, is that I am much prettier than she is. She is probably 30lbs heavier than me.
I don't know why so many of us have this crazy obsession. I really wish I could stop it and erase her from my mind. I must say, it would've been easier if I had listened to my friend when she told me not to snoop. She had the exact same problem with her bf's ex.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008): I am obsessed with my boyfriend's ex, because he lost his virginity to her -- something he could never give to me, but I gave to him. I created a fake profile on two different sites to view her pictures and/or profile. Every time her name comes up, I want to scream. I check her profiles frequently.
I never was like this.
I don't know what happened to me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): AGGH I keep thinking that I am finally over it/her because he is but for some reason she pops into my head all the time!
There are songs that I know back then reminded my boyfriend of her, I am talking (3 - 4 years ago now!) and yet I put them on my ipod and when they come on I immediately think of her, sometimes I think I like obsessing over her because it gives me something to do and focus on! grr
I look at her facebook all the time, four times a day, just analysing the same pictures over and over, getting cross if she hasnt updated her page for ages and thinking "why won't you add some more pictures" then panicking at the thought of her making her page private and then I won't be able to look anymore.
She finally changed her status to 'in a relationship' over the weekend and when I saw it, it made me feel sick, I felt cross, like she didn't deserve to be loved by someone else. Kept thinking 'how on earth does she get people to fall inlove with her, she is sooo ugly!'
I genuinely think she is a horror of a looker, all short and squat with a fat bum and little legs with cankles. She has got awful yellow crooked teeth and her eyes look like they are falling off the side of her face they are that far apart, she has bad skin and greasy shiny face and her eyebrows have never been plucked into any shape. It annoys me that I notice all this and yet my boyfriend once thought she was beautiful. I hate that he genuinly found her attractive and fancied her!
She doesn't seem to have any friends that aren't people she knows through work or her parents, all of her friends on Facebook are also friends of her mother and her father, it seems the only way she can get a boyfriend is by being introduced by a family member thats how she met my boyfriend back then because he worked with her brother.
I hate that my boyfriend loved her so much, that he adored her and that she broke his heart twice, I hate that he went back to her even though she appears to have NOTHING going for her!! they didnt have anything in common (he admits this now) she doesnt look like she has a sense of humour, she looks miserable all the time. She is dizzy and thick and ugly.
I wonder about her all the time, what did she have that kept him around for so many years, what was it about her that he loved so much? I try to imagine what they must have talked about, or done together, how many times did he tell her he loved her? did he say it all the time? he never says it to me. I wish I knew why it was important that I knew this stuff, because what is important is that we are happy and have an amazing relationship and I couldnt wish for a better man.
I should be grateful that she didnt love him because if she had I wouldnt have him now, he may have ended up marrying her!
I know that he loves me, we live together, we are having a baby and we are engaged, we have been together 3.5 years now and everytime I have brought up the past and explained to him this jealousy he reassures me and tells me how he was young then, he was different, that she was different, looked different, that he doesnt see her the way he did back then, that he doesnt think she is ugly but that he doesnt find her attractive anymore either. He also told me that I am a million times more attractive than her and that we have soooo much more in common and our relationship is better.
I once asked him if he ever wondered what his life would be life if he was still with her and he said "I dont have to wonder, I know, it would be rubbish!"
I hate that she came first, I hate that she was his first and that he cried over her and that she broke his heart because I always and will always wonder if he could ever feel the same kind of love for me that he felt for her. That all encompassing first love passion, that obsession, that willing to do anything, that only young men in love for the first time have for the object of their desire.
I guess somewhere inside of me I hope that he will one day 'realise' that he didn't really love her atall he was just infatuated with the idea that a female was paying him attention, because he hadn't had much luck with females prior to her.
I hate this jealousy, this need to know everything about their relationship and then wishing I didnt know the information that I already do know.
I see her all the time and I almost want to be her 'friend' just so I can find out about her and figure out what it may have been about her my boyfriend liked so much back then.
I dream about talking to her all the time and I wake up wondering did I call her name in my sleep!
aghhh its nice to know that other women go through this insane rubbish too!!
I feel like a mad person!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): OMG! I have the exact problem and all this time i thought i am the only one how has it!! i thought i am obsessed! actually me too i have i HUUUUGE problem with my boyfriend's ex's!! I HATE THEM!! you see, what happens with me is that we live both in france but we come from different countries. i come from greece and he comes from argentina. we met here in france so before coming here everyone had his own lovelife. my problem actually is with one particulary girl. before coming here he was with her in an "open relationship". he was her first experience (you know what i mean) and after that for 6 years they were all the time on and off. even the night before he came to france they were together. i am sure that she still wants him because she even had a boyfriend but did something with my guy!!! i can't get out of my mind this girl!! i know that 6 years is a very long time and i am sure she is like in love or something with my boyfriend! although he is soooo in love with me and i know that, i can see that and even if i know that he was never in love with her and as he says "it was only sex" i am still so jealous of her. i see her talking to him everytime on instant messenger even if my boyfriend doesn't reply! after 3 or 4 times i saw that i told him to stop talking to her! SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!!!! SHE IS A GIRL YOU USED TO ........!! AND EVEN IF YOU WERE THERE NOW AND WEREN'T WITH ME I KNOW THAT YOU WOULD BE WITH HER!! so he agreed with me that it is not respectful to me when he talks with her and blocked her. i haven't hear from her 2 months neither did he. but i still can get it out of my mind!! am i obsessed or what?? my problem is with all the girls he ever done something. i get so angry with them and i hate them!! what should i do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008): SOOO GLAD i ahve found this site i just need to let this out sooo soooo sooo much!
Me and my boyfriend are so much in love that we have even talked about marriage! but i can't get over his ex's! nope i can't but the main one was his latest saying they had sex all the time that she would always need him e.t.c he said they broke up and he dumped her because she was so obbsessive over him. But since i have been with him i was ok till a couple of months ago when i was just bringing him his mobile and her name appeared on his phone curiosity got me and it was a message saying how much she wanted to fuck him that wednesday and what she would do to him i looked through his phone to see more lots more describing there love and sexy flirting i got so angry i threw the phone at him and burst into tears he reasurred me that she was very suicdle and that he had to reply and promise things so she wouldn' top herself and that he wasn't goning wednesday it was a false promise...ever since then when she has text him i have made up stories in my head that he is gonna see her i check her profiles everything to see what shes doing i know she wants him back! I reassure myself
He loves me and only me
His family ahve told me she dosn't hold a candle to me
His sister hates her and is always calling her a skank
Most of his friends like her though -.-
Then i question is she prettier than me she has a better job bigger boobs and shes generally alot more attractive
I'm just glad im not alone with my obbsessions
And yes atm i am sitting at my bf's waiting for him to finish work recently just snooped..im not that bad that i have his passwords or always have to do it but its getting to that stage and i want to stop this jealously in its tracks
The only thing that worries me is i said one night i was getting really insecure and that i didn't want her contacting him anymore and i wanted him to end there little friendship and he said he can't do that shes a friend AHHHH! one of his best mates said he hates sacrificing stuff but arn't i important! he said he would of ended the realtionship if he was me and i know my bf said i don't deserve him but hes perfect its just HER being a bitch and GAHH!!! Hate is a storng word but i HATE her!!!!
I'm so glad i got that off my chest! the only thing i can reassure myself is that if he wanted her so badly he would be with her not me i wouldn't be the one waiting for him to get back i wouldn't be the one that he feels safe and loved and falls asleep on my lap when watching the tv i wouldn't be the one he calls "the one and only for me" i wouldn't be the one he makes love to him everytime i see him i wouldn't be the one he says i love you to every night and also i wouldn't be the one that falls asleep in his arms and finally i wouldn't be the one that is included as part of his family...and yes through all my realtionships i have never been included as a family member in a few weeks i will be the one that goes away on holiday with him and his family :D
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): I've been reading a lot of these posts. I can identify with them. How I found this place...I just typed into the google search thinking to myself that I must be frickin nuts to think I'll find girls with the same obsession. That I too go into search engines of individual profiles, in hopes to find my bf's ex girlfriends or the girls he had crushed on before him and I got involved. By a sheer moment when I thought to myself, why am I so obsessed over this one girl named B who is cute and small into the goth scene, I wrote to her and told her that I am tired of feeling the way I do and hope that she and I can actually be civil, even though I didnt think she had anything against me...I just didnt want that tension when I would see her around the clubs or concerts. She agreed...ever since then we have been okay...cool...and adult. However, I still found myself occasionally visiting my bf's ex's house or should I say "stalking". I would pass by her house and on a whim over the period of some distant time since that stroll I bring up stupid "coincidences" to him...like there was a parked car outside with a "bob marley" sticker..hmm who would that be? Some girl with black hair? I would tell him. He would mention...what do you mean "bob marley"sticker and I'll say didn't "she like Bob Marley?" and then an arguement starts up. I actually go out of my way to create an arguement so that I hope to hear those words I always long for. "i only love you!!! I dont know why the hell she would be around...I dont like her...I dont care about her." I want to hear him say that he could do without her in his life forever...and then I think about all these selfish things I want from him..or expect from him...and I start to realize my selfworth. That my whole being has been about obsession, jealousy, anger, hate and resentment above all things and everything that lowers into the evil pits of hell. I realize I am disgusting because this is only 5% of the crap that I would do without his knowing. I got to a point where I would hack into his emails, computers, photo books, cellphone books, trying to put two and two together when it came to girl's names. We've been together for 5 years almost coming in July. I feel pathetic. it wasn't too long ago a couple of months now that I went to her house strolling by once again. Not too long ago that I tore out a page or two from his photo book with pics of her looking weird with flared nose while eating spaghetti from a medium size pot...and thought..how is it that he finds this attractive? when will he take a photo of me eating? ha i thought so pathetic of me to think this way. i'm even determined to find the rest of these photos in hopes to look at them with my own free time and really really analyze every section of her being, of how she used to look in the past. What made him life her so much? What made him spend so many years with her? psh only three years...and yeah compare that to our 5 years. I can't believe myself. I have a problem. I can't seem to shake it off. I have a problem. I want to get it fixed. I want to find a solution to this. I also nitpick on him. Telling him what to do. Control him by verbal abuse. I dont even deserve his love. I need help. I dont know where to look.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): this is in response to Apr. 24 msg. posted
You say that they are in the same circle of friends. Do they still see each other once in a while when they go out with friends or does he avoid her now when he's out with mutual friends? Personally, if I were you, I'd make sure that he has absolutely no involvement with her anymore whatsoever, and by that, I mean if he wants to go out with friends, and she's going to be there, then he should not go there for your sake. There's too much temptation involved and even if he says that he's no longer interested, you cannot trust her and who knows how far she will go to have him again? I think it's only fair that he does whatever it takes to help you feel secure in your relationship. It's not your fault that he decided to cheat on his past gf with her, and he should take responsibility for his past actions.
Grrrr.... I don't understand women who feel the need to go after another woman's man. Like we don't have it tough enough already with our men, women should all support each other and not steal one another's men, it's all a matter of respect and treating others with the same respect you'd want to receive.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): I can so relate to all of you! but i think my case is the worst. although my boyfriend reassures me all the time that he loves me and i'm the one he wants to be with, i still have doubts about his faithfulness. see, he had a lot of girlfriends before me but there is this one girl who belongs to his circle of friends as they had been together for 6 years. they always see each other and he was honest enough to tell me that he cheated on his past girlfriends with her. the girl would always make herself available for him and this was always a convenient way for him to get laid, whether or not he was in a relationship. the girl is still pining for him and still hopes he gets back with her but he says that he does not love her anymore, its just that she constantly throws herself at him and he finds it hard to refuse. he promised that he will never cheat on me with her like he has done in the past and that he is a changed man. he says that he wouldnt have come clean if he didnt have the intention to cut this girl out of his life. the girl still calls him all the time but my boyfriend ignores her calls. she even terrorizes me with text messages about their past and booty calls. i never said anything to her as i feel that it is beneath me to try and fight with her because its pointless. yet i am so secretly obsessed with her. i rummage through my boyfriends old stuff and emails to check for anything that is connected to her. i want to get over this obsession and i want to believe that my boyfriend has indeed changed. what should i do???
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2008): I am incredibly relieved to find so many others with the same problem, because it certainly makes you feel absolutely crazy at times. I've been with my boyfriend for about two years by now, and I'd like to say that I'm recovering right now, but that doesn't mean I'm completely over his ex. When I first met my boyfriend, he was still with his ex, and I had a boyfriend too. We were both reaching the end of those relationships and planned to break up with them before we met each other. He took a little longer to do so, though, and when he did finally break up with her, we ended up in a weird stage of dating, not dating for a year. Needless to say, this filled me with insecurities from the start. That's where I starting thinking he was still talking to her, still in love with her, still thinking she was attractive, etc. I began to do things like check her facebook and myspace, become friends with his friends so I could check up from that perspective, view their pictures of her. It got to the point where everything he would say I would think he was comparing me to her. By the time I finally told him he was just mad that I had been doing all this stuff behind his back, and that it was just weird and creepy, and that there was no reason for me to think that way. I guess that sort of made the problem worse, because by not taking my side and helping me, I thought he was putting her on a pedestal. Anyway, it got as bad as me searching his room for remnants of her, going through his computer secretly to delete any pictures he had saved on it that she was in. I just wanted to erase her from his past. I wanted him to admit that she was a failure, that she was fake and unattractive, that she was dumb...any fault I could think of. I would actually tell him to say these things. It was a downward spiral, and it consumed my thoughts. I HATED it. I finally just gathered my thoughts, figured out where my insecurities had come from, and sat my boyfriend down for a long talk, free of any ex-girlfriend bashing. I'm learning to just accept that he has a past, but that's exactly what it is...his PAST. We all have pasts, and we're all glad to move on. If he's with you now, he wants to be with you, and if he's not with her, that means he doesn't want to be with her. It's that simple. We over-complicate matters in our own heads, but in reality, men think in much simpler ways than women do. They say what they think, and do what they mean to do. Anyway, I no longer think terrible thoughts about his ex...well, not as much. At this point I try to respect her as being a different person than me, and tell myself that I am successful, smart, pretty, and at the risk of sounding too cheesy, people like me. Thats all I need, and even though I always tell myself that that makes me better than her, I'm trying to get over that, because it just doesn't matter. Try to get back into your own life, and stop giving her power by thinking about her. Once she's out of your mind, she will be out of your life. If you starve her from attention in your mind, she will waste away into nothing, and will no longer haunt you. It's not easy, believe me, and it takes time, but with effort, we can all get over "her".
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2008): okay, I go on her facebook every day (and her friends!) and if there are new pictures I copy them to my computer so that I can really properly look at them, making them larger, clearer, brighter. Concentrating on what makeup she is wearing, what clothes, whether she looks a bit chubby on some or ugly, or cute and then i imagine what my boyfriend would think of the pictures if he was looking at them, would he think she looks cute in this one, or that one.
I then torture myself that he once loved her and had sex with her and that she dumped him more than once and broke his heart and that he adored her.
I think she is the strangest looking thing ever, really short and squat with a big round face and weird eyes and yellow teeth.
I stare at her pictures thinking "why why?" I dont know why this is important!!
They split up 4 years ago!! he has been with me for Three! aghhhhh
what is wrong with me?
I actually get excited when I log onto facebook and realise she had uploaded new photos!!
Am I mental?!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2008): I am SO glad I found this website. I too, am obsessed with his ex. I bumped into her a few weeks ago when I was in her neighbourhood. I went into a coffee shop and lo and behold, I walked in and saw her. My heart started to pound, I don't know why. I know her from past pictures I've seen of her but the funniest thing was, she had no idea who I was and if she had known, she would've probably punched me out on the spot because she still tried to get back with him when we first got together, about 4 years ago.
I didn't say anything, but part of me wanted to. I know this sounds shallow, but she was a bitch and I hated the way she treated him and how he went back to her over and over again before they broke up for good. It looked like she put on a lot of weight judging by her old pictures and I know it sounds mean, but it made me so happy that I look much prettier than her, but I guess I just feel this way because I'm so insecure about her that it's the only way I can make myself feel better. I know my bf loves me, but knowing that he had such a big history with her (they were engaged) I always feel like I don't measure up.
I wanted to confront her I don't know why, my friends tell me i'm crazy to cause trouble, but a part of me just wants her to know who i am. Am i crazy for thinking this way? She walked by me and I STARRED at her as she walked away, I wanted to follow her and I DON'T KNOW WHY!? I hope somewhere out there someone understands that weak-in-the-knees feeling that comes with coming face-to-face with his ex for the first time. It's even weirder when she doesn't know who the heck you are.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008): i'm coming back to this site to tell you girls that i'm slowly getting over my obsession with my bf's ex. i was the one who wrote on march 6 (7th from the top). i don't know how it happened. i guess i just allowed myself to a bit too much of insecurity and i simply had enough of it. i still check her out on myspace once in a while (old habits die hard as they say) but i no longer compare myself to her. i figured there's no one else who could help me but myself. i "rehabilitated" myself by telling myself day in and day out that my guy loves me and that i am a smart, beautiful, and brilliant girl who has no reason to be insecure with some girl from his past.
it sucks to be in this helpless state of obsession. i feel sick looking at photos of the girl i hated so much.. although there's not reason for me to hate her. like i said, i'm slowly getting over it, but i need to continue convincing myself that checking her out is a waste of time. i can't believe i am giving that much attention to a girl who doesn't even care if i existed! she's beautiful in her own rights and i give her that. i tell myself that i don't need to feel less beautiful ar attractive even if she doesn't look so bad herself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2008): I am so relieved to have found this site.. I just need to get this out.. I've only been with my boyfriend for 7 months, but we are very serious. He dated his last girlfriend for a year or more and I am obsessed with her. I found out his passwords for facebook and myspace and check them everyday to see if she has written to him. I also look at her pictures everyday. When he's not looking I check his text messages to see if she has sent any to him. I even look at her friends' and brother's pages to see if they have pictures of her and to see what she says to them. It's like I'm crazy.
He says he is more in love with me and that our relationship is much more matue than his relationship with her. But I still can't let it go. I really hate it because I have never met her or even seen her in person... I only have pictures.. AND he says that she is his best friend. I hate that...A LOT. I actually think that she is very pretty and that she would be very nice in person, but I know that she wants him back. I can't get her out of my head. I am always comparing myself to her, feeling that she is better than me. I know that she is much taller than me, and I think she is probably skinnier, but I can't tell because I have only seen pictures.. I feel bad, expecially because I feel like I am violating his trust, but I can't stop checking his myspace and facebook, I do it at least once a day if not more.
I know that he loves me and I love him very much. And I know that is frustrates him when I bring her up in conversation, but I just keep doing it! It's like I am possessed!!!
Anyway.. I just don't know what to do. I wish I could stop doing this and being so obsessed with her.
Well I'm glad I got that out...
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): iam writing this to the girl who looks her bf's ex up on facebook everyday, iam jusst gonna ask you have you talked to him about this yet? has he noticed you've been starving yourself and also how does he feel about you doing this? firstly i just wanna say that i was with my boyfriend for 1 year and 3 months.i was constantly obbsesing over a girl he made out with at camp once about 3months before we even met. i didnt know why i did it i used to look her up on myspace all the time too, im starting to get over it now.my boyfriend talked to me about it and he said that they were'nt even dating so then i thought about it and i came to the theory that if he still wanted her now he wouldnt be with me! so you just think about it too that just because shes apparently preetyer then you in your eyes, your boyfriend is always going to find you beautiful in his eyes, if he still liked her he would still be with her, so goodluck and also stop starving yourself, its not good for you and just know that your beautiful just the way you are :)~Liza~
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): I'm sorry But I just have to add my two-pennies here, saying that his ex was a 'right slag'; because she let him cum inside her. Maybe they were in love, trusted each other and she was on the pill?I let my ex inside me because i was on the pill and we trusted and knew we didnt have any diseases. I am not, nor have i ever been a right slag and i do respect my body.However, if you are with someone and you want to use condoms and they refuse, tell him to pee off! they must respect you enough to use the protection you want. I hate my boyfriend's ex and i dont know what contraception they used, i dont even like to think of them having sex!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): i think what you ladies need to do is talk to your boyfriends, its seams like instead of telling him the first time you can incontact with his ex's that it made you insecure and hurt you, you have just let it build up and up and it become an obbsession. I've been with my partner three years now and i am so happy, ive met a few of his ex's but i told him that i feel its wrong and now when he is aware his ex gf may be some where we dont go because its just not right. But if you dont tell him he wont npo how your feeling, and as for the lady second from the top that said her boyfriend discusses his ex sex life with her in great detail, that girl was a right slag to have so much little respect for her own body and not use contraception, you should get out of that relationship, or play him at his own game.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): So i am not the only crazy girlfriend out there?!
Ok here's my story, and it sounds like some of yours:
I have been with my guy for a year and 5 months now. At first everything was fine, I've had more bf's and been with more people then him, he's only been with two others besides me. Then one day I just snapped, me and my boyfriend were talking about birth control and I was saying that I still wanted to use condoms anyway, and he goes "Why I used to cum in my ex-gf all the time." I was so upset I left instintly. it was then that I became obsessed with her. I have even had dreams about her, even though I have never seen her in real-life. She does have a myspace and facebook, I've made fake accounts so I can see her. I know they haven't talked even way before we went out, and I don't even know if she knows who I am, but not ONE day goes by I don't look her up. I admit I bought a white dress like her's that I saw here wearing.
I hear , that she is quite and silent, and bitter to her family, and always needed him. She has the grossest gums when she smiles, but I still think she is so pretty and want to do everything I can to be like her. I don't even know what she would think if she knew this. My bf thinks she was really smart because she went to private schools, and they took all elective classes in college together. He even told me about the sex they had, how they did it 3-4 times a week. How can I be obsessed with someone I HATE so much?!!!!!!!
The other sad part is this is seriously just the tip of the ice burg, i could go on and on .
I want to talk to someone because nothing good comes from this. I find myself starving myself for days to be skinner then her even though I already am. I get so much anxiety that I can't drink water, but I will go check her facebook.
Please if someone could write back to this I would be so greatful, espically if you have advice or feel the same way as me. My email is [email address blocked] , feel free to contact me. THANK YOU!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): Its frustrating that rationally i know i am being ridiculous, checking her myspace, looking at her photos, examining her face, looking for clues to her life, what has she done this weekend, where has she been... Rationally I know the following facts:I am more attractive than herI have more friends than herI am more intelligent that her, better job, more moneyMy boyfriend has told me what we have is more important because we live together, are engaged, are trying to have a baby.His family hated her and love meHis friends have told me that we are perfect together and they wish they could find what we have too.Irationally, I obsess over the following:why did he love her so much, what did she do/have that i dont?how could he fancy her and have sex with her when she is sooo ugly!how did she get to dump him on numerous occasions and yet he always went backwhy did he always go back?if she is soooo thick what did he have in common with her?what things did they do together? talk about?was their sex life better?did she feel nicer naked?would he still be with her now if she hadnt of broken his hearti feel like i only got him because she didnt want him anymore. I see her sometimes wandering around and i look at her and it makes me feel sick. I don't know if it would be differnt if she was beautiful because then maybe i would understand, or if she was nice and funny with lots of friends.But she is moody and stompish, short and squat, fat with weird features, her eyes are really far apart, she has big hairy eyebrows that have never been plucked into any shape. Fat short legs with cankles, a big fat chin with bad spots on it, greasy shiny face with crooked yellow teeth and no top lip! she doesnt wear makeup either!Im not even exagerating her appearance, she really is that ugly! and I think back to all the stories my boyfriend has told me of her (when we first met) about how much he cried and how much it hurt when she dumped him and i just wonder why?!! He also told me how beautiful he thought she was and how jealous he was of other men wanting her?!! as if!!I have been with him four years now, FOUR YEARS! will i ever get over this obsession with her? will i ever feel like i am good enough for him?Is weird because i KNOW that i am prettier and better than her and yet I still obsess that there mmust have been something about her that made him love her so much?She was his 'first love' and 'first time' so maybe that has a lot to do with it?I try to rationaise and say to myself 'okay he was young, he hadnt had a girlfriend before she was female and paid him attention, he fell for it and felt attractive, she let him sleep with her and he 'thought' he was inlove with her'However whenever I try to get him 'admit' this is true he gets miffed and said "I am not going to say i didnt love or fancy her because i did!! but now i love and fancy you!"I want him to say "I never loved her! i just thought i did, i was young and foolish! i love you!"I once asked him if he loved me more and he just said "its different. you cant compare" he said you either love someone or you don't and it isnt a case of loving me 'more' because you can't measure it. he loves me, simple as!I worry that what we have will never be as passionate as what they had, becase for one, I am not his first love or experience of women, and for two, i havent broken his heart and then clicked my fingers and got him back on numerous occasions.I will never know that joy of the make-up sex they had and the passion with which he loved her to go running back after she tore his heart out and then ignored him for months!grrrrr if she hadnt of dumped him back then would he be married to her now? why does this matter?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): And I thought I was the craziest girl in the planet!I am so freaking obsessed with my boyfriend's ex! I just realized that I've been stalking the girl for more than 2 years now! I don't understand why I can't get over obsessing about her. She's not that pretty, but everyone says she's hot! she's tall [we're of the same height] with long black hair, big boobs, whittle waist, she's impeccably dressed, has great skin [not even one zit on her face, man! she travels a lot, and she's a freaking senior manager!!! I look at her friendster, multiply, and myspace pages everyday, i googled her name to find out if she has other profiles and found out that she does! i memorize her clothes [she's been a big influence to my sudden taste in fashion], I know all the places she's been to, the bars and beaches she goes to, her hobbies and interests, favorite music, i memorized her cellphone number [which i stole from my bf's phonebook], i know where she lives, her friend's names, her favorite brand of clothing [pretty expensive brands! fuck!]... ugh! i must be really really sick!!! oh, and here's the catch.. she's married! yes, she's married but i can't stop myself from obsessing about her. I hate it that she doesn't take off her engagement ring [even when she's in the beach] because the diamond is as big as a raisin! do you know how it feels like to twitch with anger because she's just so irritatingly perfect?!? that's how i feel everytime i look at her pictures or read her profile [she doesn't like blogging so I can't really gauge her intelligence] oh and she went to a good school... not that i didn't go to a great school, too. but she went to a BETTER school. In my obsession, i try to find flaws that she might have and recently I noticed that her knees are really dark [haha!] becuase she likes going to the beach a lot, she's got bony toes, and not-so-wow legs! and let me just go back to her big boobs, i hate it that she has big boobs cause every kind of top looks great on her, especially tube tops, and she looks great in 2 piece swimwear! fuck i hate that girl i want to kill her!!!! and i don't know why i hate her because my bf says that everyone in the office likes her! she's a manager but she'd very friendly so everyone loves the bitch!! yes, that's the thing that's driving me crazy... they work for the same company! but seriously, i think she just carries herself really well, has a lot of money to buy expensive cosmetics and clothes, contact lens even [yuck!] i wonder when the obsession would stop! i soooooo hate her i keep comparing myself to her. i hate her so much but i can't let a day pass without checking out her profile to see if she's got any new picture of clothes i could copy!!!! fuuuuuuuuuck how i wish she wasn't too perfect!!!!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): And I thought I was the craziest girl in this planet!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2008): oh wow! so ive been with my boyfriend for a year. it was our anniversary on valentines day! but we are still in highschool and he has a class with his ex girlfriend. they recently started talking and i have been so depresses and obssesed that he will start to like her again. so then i asked him about it and he said that he and her have a "special connction that no one understands" so now im like totally freaking out! but he said to trust him that he will never like her again, and that they only have a friendship but i just cant stop thinking about them liking each other again or something. im just scared if i comfront him about it again it will make him even more mad. i dont know what to do. i cry myself to sleep everynight :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): omg!! im soo happy i found this site!!
i was with my ex for 10 months a short period of time i no but none the less intense,
we were fine for a bout 3 months and then i saw his ex,
she wasnt prettier than me although a lot skinnier lol
and she just looked like a scatty girl but after i saw her i began getting obbssessed with her,
i added her to my myspace, she eventually blocked me so i made a fake one to still look at her page to see who she was talkin to and whether or not my bf had commented her page, i checked her pictures everyday, read her bullitens i did everything u could do on myspace to stalk her,
looking back now i feel so disappointed in myself that i allowed myself to become like that but she used to phone my phone and say my bf still phoned her and messaged her on myspace sayin hes in love with her blah blah blah,
eventually i had enough and ended it with him coz the trsut wasnt there anymore but now i have a new problem...
im with another guy and im infactuated with him as he is too me, but i still cant get over this jealous and obbsessive streak i have, i phone and txt him all the time if he doesnt txt back quick enough i think hes with another female, ive added all his female friends on facebook and made them no i was his girlfriend, i start arguments with him because i think he likes other girls as well as me, but deep down i no he doesnt i just cant help myself??!!!
does anyone no what i can do to stop this childish behaviour, im pushing him away without meaning or wanting too xx
p.s oh yea im the same with my friends aswell i become so obbssessed with them that i push them away aswell because i scare them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): I love who ever made this site!I've been with my Fiance for almost a year now and I hate his ex girlfriend. He tells me that he never loved her and that he loves me, but it's still really hard to deal with. I have to remind my self everyday that he purposed to me, I'm going to be his wife. I guess what bothers me the most, is that she is still in love with him. I'm not worried that he'd ever leave me. I'm just mad that she is the one who can't get over him. I know my fiance loves me, so I just can't understand why I can't let it go. Why can't I stop thinking about it? Why does it hurt so much? I guess it's because when you find someone you truly love, you want to be the only one that has ever spent time with the person.Thank you all for writing your different stories, it makes me feel so much better that I'm not alone!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008): Hey girl, I totally agree with you on this one. I am too thinking that my boyfriend's ex girlfriend is way better than me when others tell me otherwise. I am very insecure because my ex boyfriends left me for their ex girlfriends. But I came to realize midst of all this confusion and sadness, he wouldn't be with me if he didn't care and love me more than his ex girlfriend. He told me that if he didn't love me so much he would've just left instead of trying so hard to comfort me and make things right. I don't blame you though. I think we feel this way because we are insecure and also we are very much in love with our boyfriends. I think the best way to take care of this situation is talk to your boyfriend about it if it really bothers you to be reassured or just try to keep yourself busy and tell yourself positive things so you won't be so tortured with these thoughts! Remember, exes are past and you are the present and future. =)
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008): i have the same problem,
and I'm really glad you all have it to.. thank God i am not alone!
most people say i'm prettier then his ex,
he reassures me all the time that he has fallen for me much much harder then his ex,
his ex is the popular cheerleader,
i'm the cross country weirdo..
so i do not know.
i try to take his word for it,
but thats so hard! oh well, its nice to get this out.
i facebook her all the time (and of course run into her everywhere. the store, school, she's in a few classes.)
i must agree with the answers up there.
try and forget about her,
he obviously doesn't like her anymore if he's with you and not her. if he says he likes you more... then just take his word that he likes you more!
good luck to all struggling with this stomach turning problem.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): I'm probably gonna feel awful after writing this, but other people seem to feel better after admitting it so i might as well give it a try...Basically i'm in highschool and because of this you tend to see the ex's around a lot.My current boyfriends's ex and my own ex boyfriend all go to the same school and you can imagine how awkward this is.I find myself talking about what an idiot my ex is a lot since i was in love with him. It involved breaking up with him, being on and off with him for about 6 months, then going back out with him again, then breaking up again.My current boyfriend fights a lot with his ex who he lost his virginity to and was with for near 9 months. What sucks is that they were supposedly both each other's firsts and that fills me with jealousy to no limit. It doesn't help that my current boyfriend was MY first.Seeing her and my own ex everyday makes me feel ill. It's nice to know other people have problems with the ex's too, if that doesn't sound somewhat cold.I'm just glad i'm not the only person effected by evil ex girlfriends.My worries obviously fall under the whole "doesn't he think about her, was she better than me, did he love her more than me?"It's difficult to tell considering i've only been going out with him for near 2 months, but we were close before that. We're kind of serious now, but i can't help but be curious about what kind of relationship my boyfriend and his ex had together. They must've been serious considering they waited 2 months to have sex, wheras myself and he waited near a month before trying.To make matters worse, seeings as i talk about my ex sometimes as he does come into my day to day activities as he's in a few classes i take, it means it's likely to upset my current boyfriend to. Well maybe. I don't know, i usually refrain from talking about it.But regardless, i'm a mess and i know it. It's nice to get things out i suppose.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): I am currently going through this.I am in a 3 and 1/2 year relationship.He is my first love and I am his.I was a virgin when i met him,he wasn't.He had sex with 13 girls he did not love or care about.We have spoken about it to death and it always ends up in a heated argument and me crying myself to sleep.What I find hard to understand is how could you have sex with someone you don't love or care about? He said he does not regret having done it but says it did make him feel empty,it was meaningless and it makes him who he is today.What happened to sex being a beautiful act of love between two people?I am an attractive,funny,intelligent,soft hearted girl,but it makes me so angry,i feel cheated because he got all of me,i feel that i didn't get all of him.I keep telling myself that he is with me now,they may have had sex with him but i have his heart.If he didn't want to be with me,he wouldn't.I'm happy to have read this cloumn,for some time i thought i was alone.The best thing you can do is talk about it,don't keep it locked up inside.I have spoken to many people about it.Most of these people have pasts of their own so they don't fully understand my situation.But they all had similar things to say e.g you are being silly,you will push him away if you keep going,he is with YOU not THEM.
At the end of the day,it doesn't matter what people tell you.You will always think and do what you want.My boyfriend told me that guys can "switch" their emotions on and off so sex is just sex.With girls we can't do this(well I can't).Probably because he was my first.From what I'm reading alot of you girls have lovely boyfriends who are actually HELPING you to overcome this.That's SO IMPORTANT.My boyfriend and i are finding it hard to get along..many times when i bring it up he gets annoyed and i don't mean to do it ,or argue with him because i love him more than anything but i am not over it yet.
My advice is just to take one day at a time,think POSITIVE and pray because God won't leave you.That's all you can do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2008): I'M NOT ALONE!I admit i am obsessed with his ex.I'm constantly looking at her facebook and myspace and comparing her to me. I even made a fake facebook account so i could add her as a friend and read her profile (it was set to private). Afterwards i feel so depressed and stupid.I always ask questions about her, and fantasise about her finding out what i look like (im prettier than her). I've even went on a diet coz i want to be skinnier than her!Although I've never met her, it feels like i have an alternative relationship with her! I know all about her, what music she likes...where she goes clubbing etc.I feel pathetic. If she ever knew id be so embarassed. I remember once when my bf went out the house i went through his drawers to see if he'd kept any old stuff from her. I was sitting there like a maniac, hunting through all his stuff. I then found old photos of him and her and i got so jealous I cried. The thought of them together made me sick and i would imagine them together. I always ask my bf questions. Although her reassures me im the best i feel like i cant take his word for it. If so why were they together for 2 years? When they broke up for a few months why did they then get back together?I know this sounds insane but I reaaaally need to get over it! Remember WHY they broke up and stuff. So glad this is off my chest!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): Oh Lord, I'm not alone I thought, and still think I'm crazy. I met my current boyfriend five years ago through his sister and automatically liked him. But he rejected me and dated(and had sex with)several girls since then. Now that we're together he has told me that he only dated me for sex and he actually cared about the other girls before he slept with them. It hurts me so damn bad that IM the only girl hes dated just for sex. I think about it constantly "Why am I the only girl he dated for sex? If I'm so damn great why didnt he date me before? What did those girls have that I dont?" I'm so obsessed I google them all the time, all of them. I try to find them on myspace and look through all their photos telling myself that they really are prettier than me. I look at them and think about my boyfriend having sex with them and it maked me so sick physically and mentally.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): I hate my boyfriend's ex. He slept with a bunch of girls before he dated me and sometimes when I can't sleep because all I can do is picture him fucking them. I'm 18 years old and he's 23, he's had a past and I havn't. I feel like his silly little inexperienced girlfriend. The first time I had sex was with him, and after 5 months I still don't like having sex because I feel clumsy. I feel like I'm doing it wrong, or that he isnt enjoying it because he's had better.
One girlfriend in particular I hate. She was his only long-term relationship and I always obsess that he still thinks about her. Once I asked him to sing for me and he went all quiet, finally he was like "please don't ask me to sing, cause she used to always ask me to sing to her, and it makes me feel uncomfortable". I said okay and immediately started to cry over the phone, he didn't know. Sometimes I ask him to sing just to see if he will, and when he refuses it makes me feel like he still thinks about her.
I end up crying alone and feeling like shit. I dont know how she can ruin me like this even though it was so long ago and he says that he hates her. I think I'm just obsessed with being his 'everything'. But how can I be his everything when he had so many others?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2007): I didn't see many posts of this type, but I wanted to reply as one for the other side.
I have been been plagued by my ex's new gf for at least a year now, and I don't know what she might have been doing before I was aware of it. I am not even sure what set her off because I haven't talked to him in years. She went as far as contacting me via Internet and pretending to be him and pumping me for information, not to mention also harrassing me and accusing me of all kinds of stuff.
Now, I can understand it to a degree, because I used to be mad jealous over people when I was younger, and also I'm chalking part of this up to her being immature. Still it's no excuse with some of the things she has done especially since I did absolutely nothing to provoke it (I've not contacted him, tried to see him, or anything even remotely close to it). I'm also not saying I NEVER get envious or jealous, but there comes a place where you have to draw the line and question what's going on--- INSIDE YOU.
For you women who are obsessing over all this and trying to figure out what it is about the ex he found so appealing, STOP. If he really wanted to be with her he would and there really isn't much you can do to stop him. The only person you can ever control in life is YOU, so make your choice...do you want to ruin the relationship you are in now OR do you want to enjoy being in it? On that note, I'm more than sure most of you are more than good enough, pretty enough, and nice enough. I hear a lot of agonizing over things in your posts here, the bottom line sounding like "I'm not good enough". You'd do well to worry more about why YOU are feeling like that within yourself and less about what is going on outside of you.
By talking about her or trying to be like her, YOU are the ones bringing the ex back into the relationship....so STOP! The best way to get his attention is to just be YOU which believe it or not is MORE than good enough!
Kudos to the first person who answered this question as well...she sounds like she has the right idea and offered some sound advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): Well, I am a confident young girl. "I'm not beautiful like you. I'm beautiful like me" is a saying I've always lived by. I love my life and my hobbies and interests. Well. Then I moved out of my house and started going to college. And also, going out with someone new for the first time in 4 years after a terrible break up in my past. And things have changed!
Now.. Now I feel obsessed with his exes. I feel that he shouldn't be going out with me since I'm not as attractive as many of the girls he has dated. I feel insecured thinking that he's dating me only because I'm "safe" - not too attractive.
I don't "feel" beautiful like I used to. My boyfriend is a really confident man and cocky in his own way. And although I never dwelled on what he said before, now I do. I think he is really hot, and really attractive, and all the girls drool when they see him. And I'm just an ordinary girl being ordinary!
Now although I love this man, I miss the confidence I had when I was single. I don't know how to love myself again and feel worthy! My low self-esteem is affecting my life. I don't have any hobbies or interests anymore. I used to love photography but I've given it up. I sleep a lot and sometimes tend to get fat. I don't even exercise or write as I used to. Things are going pretty downhill as I've begun to lose my own identity. I haven't told my boyfriend this, but he sometimes does see me sulking around and thinks I don't trust him. I do trust him. When he tells me that a cute girl has asked him his number, I laugh it off but then I begin to cry when I'm alone. I feel that I'm not at all good looking or deserving. I just wish I were alone again, and I wish feel loved.
It's a great feeling to be loved by someone else. But it won't give you happiness if you don't first love yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): hi my name is britt i went online and googled "i am obsessed about my boyfriend's exes!" which is how i found this site and like a lot of you...i am SOOOOOOOOOOO glad to see others struggle with this obsession!! one major difference that is unsettling and makes me feel realllly pathetic is that the "exes" i obsess over arnt exactly exes and it isn't just one girl or even girls that truly meant something to him....i feel like a psychopath. i have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and we knew eachother for a year before i finally gave him a chance....we met when he attempted to have a one night stand with me after a night of partying when i ended up sleeping on his friends floor next to him and a few other people...we had never met or spoken before...i feel that this will always subconciously have an impact on my view of him especially because now that i KNOW him i know that he has done that to probably a million other girls. i thought he was hot and we ended up bumbing into eachother a few times and started talking but both told eachother we didnt want a relationship...he had sex with about 5 people during the year that i knew him before we got together and i had sex with 3 people. one of the problems is that those were the only people i ever had sex with until him...his 5 were only 5 of about 10 girls. he had a few relationships but the majority of those girls were hookups! also, some of them were my friends!!!!!! it never bothered me until about a year into our relationship and all of the sudden i became obssesed with the old him...i know he loves me he practically lives at my house he watches my 15 year old disabled brother for my family he has never had a serious relationship or been truly in love before me although he did have a 9 month relationship when he was a freshman in highschool but he is 21 now so i shouldnt care? except she is the one he lost his virginity to and did EVERYTHING with its like he has nothing to offer me sexualy bc all the other girls starting with that first girlfriend took it all!!! and for what?? they didnt deserve it!! they didnt even like him that much and he didnt like them that much either??! the weirdest thing is that he is a really really really nice person he is so genuine he would never lie he cries he always listens to everything i have to say and vent about he tries his hardest to comfort me and instaed of getting over it and moving on..i think about it more and more and obssess more and more and bring it up at the worst times imaginable!!! his past sexual affairs make me feel sooo horribly sick i have panic attacks and cant even think straight i do excercises that i make up in my mind to try and make the thoughts go away like invisioning rolling up all of his past in a thick rug and blwoing it up and throwing it off of a cliff which i knwo probably sounds crazy but it makes me feel a litter better and after a week or two of excercises i can forget about it and be happy with him again but then out of nowhere somethign will remind me of one of the girls and it happens all over again. i have had a couple boyfriends but i only had sex with one of them and unfortunately it was a mistake although i dont want to say i regret it so i try to see the positive in it that i learned from it but the truth is he was having sex with other girls, he was abusive, a liar, money obsessed, complete opposite of me and i was only 13 when he was 18 he obviously took advantage of my ignorant teenage self and after 4 months of feeling guilty for not having sex with him i ended up giving him my virginity and my current boyfriend and listened to me cry and be in pain about this one boyfriend a million times and he is so great about it he honestly tries to help me overcome my hurt and i dont want to be cliche and sound stupid but i honestly feel scarred from that relationship and i always wonder how i would feel if i had never gone through it especially at such a young age. anyways back to my current boyfriend... sometimes i cant be in his room or house bc i think of some of the girls who have been there before me and i dont want to touch anything incase some other girl touched it before me, we try to take a shower and all i can think about is if he took a shower with any of those girls, i cant even go in the spa with him anymore bc all i can think about is him going in the spa with this one girl who he met on myspace and drove 2 hours to have a FUCKING ONE NIGHT STAND WITH!! it sucks bc he is a guy, he is horny he isnt very bright and all he was doing is thinking about the present when he did all of those things/girls... we talk about being maried and having kids and he wants me to go to colorado so badly to meet his extended family and we have such a good relationshoip but all i can think about is him having sex with other girls like 3 years ago!!!! he is a completely different person he is in love with me and he so good to me and i am a horrible girlfriend but what can i do i honestly try to forget about it i dont look up the girls on myspace or anything i try to shove my thoughts in the back of my head when i feel them creeping up i try to have sex with him when i am completely repulsed by my thoughts (i do this without his knowllege) in hopes to break the obsession and i cant talk to my friends about it anymore bc i dont want to annoy them and i know what they will say and i tell myself over and over again that his past is the past and it does not define him and it doesnt have anythign to do with US and WE are above and beyond it and i have somewhat of a past as well but i just cant seem to shake it and i feel bad for him but i resent him for it at the same time and i should prbably break up with him but what if this obsession isnt about him or the girls what if it is just ME and I am actually just screwed up in the head and will never be able to have a normal relationship bc i analyze everything to the point of obsession?? if i break up with him and realize this and what to get back together with him then i knwo i wont be able to bc by the time i realze that that is my problem rather than him, he will probably have realized that he can find a girl who isnt crazy and who appreciates him or he will have had sex with some other girl and i will be too repulsed to take him back..........why am i CRAZY i feel like i need to go into therapy but i dont want to talk through it anymore i jsut want to stop hurting and forget about it and have it vanished fromy my memory but its even worse now bc a few times while i was going through extreme panic attacks i have made him tell me in detail about some of the hookups and now i can imagine them perfectly and i just want to THROW UP! i have a feeling this has to do with my bad relationship before this and bad experience with sex, the fact that he has had a lot of past sexual experiences bc he was a slut, and the fact that i over analyze everything in my life natrually bc that is my personality so i dont know if there is hope but i havnt seen anyone on here say anything quite like the way i feel so i am not really comforted but at least i know other girls go to extremes about their bfs ex or exes...unfortunately they at least have something to be upset over like their boyfriend living with someone else in the past or having kids with another girl!! i am soo lame plese someone try to say something that might help bc i cant bring anyone close to me into this i need people who understand what im going through
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2007): I am obsessed with my boyfriend's ex. we have been together for 2 years. i beleive that he loves me, but i worry and obsess about how much he loved her, was it more? considering she dumped him, would he still be with her if she hadnt? would he had married her? would he have wanted to? does he think about her someties.
I know what 'their' song was and whenever it plays i feel slightly sick and hurt.
I think about her all the time. I look for her when Im on my lunch because she works in the City like me. I go on her Facebook page about four times a day and analyse the photos of he. I vary from thinking she is the ugliest thing ever to thinking she is more attractive than me, it depends.
I think about how much he loved her, how she dumped him on a few occasions but he always went back because he "wanted her so much" his words.
I don't know how i will ever stop feeling inferior to this girl. I have told him about how i feel, even explained to him one how i worry that he would never love me as much.
he said that i am the love of his life, that he loves me, adores me, that it is me and only me that brings her name into our relationship, that i think of her more than he ever does and that although he has fond memories of their time together, he also has some horrible memories and that he has never found anyone he has so much in common with than me, he basically said to my face that i was better than her. He even said "If you know you are prettier -and you are considerably prettier than her - you know you are cleverer, nicer, kinder.. why do you still obsess? i dont know how else to reassure you?"
I feel like im pushing him away, i feel like he has been more than patient with me, and yet i think about her every day. i want to know what she is doing, i want to know about her friends, where they go, what she dresses like, how much she weighs. What products she uses.
I feel like i am going mad!
aghhhh
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007): Hello you all out there. I share the same feeling with you all but my case is the reverse.My boyfriend left his ex months before he met me.He was totally single and available.He seriously pursued me for a while before I agreed to go out with him and the Ultimate happened...He fell in love with me.The main problem I am having now is that his ex wants him back.She is ardent on doing anything to have him and God knows that I will never give him up too because I love him more than she thinks she does.She sends hate messages to me through him,calling me low-class,cheap...you name it.But the irony of everything is that I am not what she says I am.I am beautiful,intelligent and younger than she is.My boyfriend's friends love me and keep extoling my qualities.The only plus she has is that she is beautiful too and richer than I am but in the Character/personality department,she is a total Zero because she has shown it by groveling at the feet of my boyfriend and using cruel word for everyone including my boyfriend and I.She thinks everyone is beneath her and that money is everything. But she fails to realise that I am smart and young and will be better than her If I set my mind to it.You all may ask why I am mad at her and the truth is that i am tired of her sausiness,bitchiness and false optimism that she can have my boyfriend back even when he has made it known that he detests her and loves me.Now she stalks me.Three days ago she came to my office to look at me while sizing me up not knowing that I knew her from the photograph my boyfriend had shown me of her...Can you imagine that! THIS GIRL HAS GONE CRAZY! She insults me one minute and the next minute she wants to be my friend and the other she minute she goes crazy.The only happiness I have is that my bofriends tells me he wants to be with me and does not hesitate to tell her his mind but this girl Never understands "NO" and keeps stalking us.I just hope she leaves us alone because she is making me really irritated by her actions.TO ALL THE GOOD LADIES OUT THERE...IF THE MAN IS WITH YOU AND NOT HER,FORGET ABOUT THE EX She is not worth your troubles.Her actions are all signs of insecurity on her part.Enjoy your man!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2007): I may be the most pathetic of all.I have been with my boyfriend for seven years. The "ex" I'm obsessing about is not even really an ex, per se. She and the boyfriend were friends in high school, she dated a couple of his friends. He tried very hard to hook up with her high school, but he was unsuccessful, though they were close friends. My BF is disabled, so maybe that was a problem for her as far as dating him, I don't know. I think she thought he would just always be around, that no one would ever come and take him from her, and she could be the only woman in his life without really having to have a romantic relationship with him.Anyway, my boyfriend and I met at college and started dating. In the beginning, it wasn't totally exclusive, and when he went home for Christmas his freshman year, they messed around a little. He told me about it at the time, kind of casually. I guess she heard there was a little competition, so she threw him a bone. Anyway, it got more serious the next semester, and I visited my boyfriend in his hometown that summer -- spend several weeks there and spent some time with the "ex". Anyway, she must've been very threatened, because she tried to get rid of me, and it really caused some conflict and turbulence in our relationship. Basically, he has a few really impressionable friends, and she told them I was SOOO ugly, not good enough for him, etc. I think she even messed around with one of them to, I don't know, influence him or something. Anyway, all these people kept telling my boyfriend I was hideous, disgusting, annoying, and all this stuff, and he started to believe it and was really mean to me for awhile. I'm an attractive person, and the things they were saying just didn't make sense, like "her cheekbones are too high, it's ugly." WTF? a)high cheekbones are a good thing, last I checked, and b)what straight guy comes up with that? Small rack maybe, or too fat. I knew she was behind it right away. Of course, now the "ex" isn't even friends with his friends anymore, and they all talk about me as the "ideal girlfriend" -- beautiful, smart, nice, blah blah blah.My boyfriend hasn't talked to this girl in years. I think she kind of pissed him off. She once said to him, "Yeah, I think we might get married, but I don't know if we would have a romantic relationship." What did she think, she could keep him in the basement or something while she went out and dated other guys? He hasn't seen her in forever, and he talks about her occasionally, usually in a very negative way. He thinks she's stupid, mostly.But I have a seriously unhealthy obsession with this girl. In a way, I'm pretty sure I have a leg up on her. She's like a less successful version of me. She wants to be a screenwriter, but I don't think she's any good. She dropped out of school or something and did a stint at some overpriced film school, and now she's back in town (I ended up moving to BF's hometown) and looking for some kind of job. Me, I'm a fiction writer, got my B.A., and the career is coming along -- I've studied under some prestigious authors, and they all say I have a lot of talent. They are planning to write my recommendations for grad school this fall. I work as a freelance writer, and all in all, I'm looking pretty hot these days. But my boyfriend ran in to her mom and got her contact info for something related to his business, and now my obsession has gotten even worse. I told him to call the mom and invite the ex to my writer's group -- I don't know what I was thinking! Thankfully, her mom hasn't gotten back to him with the contact info. I am also freaked out because the ex set her myspace profile to private the same day my boyfriend e-mailed her mom. I hope there is no connection. Why do I have this obsession? A part of me thinks that if she tried so hard to keep him away from me, if she feels that passionately about him, then they should be together, and I shouldn't stand in their way. It almost makes me want to break up with him so that can happen, but, in reality, that is not what would happen, because they haven't spoken in years, and she probably wouldn't even want him if she found out she could have him. UGH! I am quite nuts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007): I have become obsessed with my boyfriend's ex. We have been together for one year now but the first few months up until about February were quite cool where we were only getting to know each other and taking things easily having both just come out of long term relationships. Him with his ex who he lived with in Dublin along with another couple and me with my fiancee of 3 years with whom I also lived. So we were both quite adamant this was a bit of fun and we'd see where it went. But we ended up falling madly in love and I really think for this first time that this is the man I will marry. But then comes the ex. He dumped her - I read messages on his phone saying "how can you just cut all ties with me, you must really hate me etc." Then after Christmas he had been on a session with old friends from college and stayed with them. I found a message on his phone to her saying "had a great time talking to you, sorry about this morning - was very hungover" She had replied "please don't tell the guys". So obviously they had met up and had "sex with the ex"???!!! Which hadn't went too well! HA HA! I have never approached my boyf about it as it was just really sex between us at the time and I have to admit I hadn't been very faithful up until then! We weren't really in a boyf/girlf situation. But now we have talked travelling together and even marriage - I have become obsessed with the girl. Scanning her bebo page, basically following her life. My friend has told me that she was the most boring quiet person she ever met. I know I def have it on the looks and figure front and my boyf has told me that even though he told her he loved her he never felt he meant it as he says he now knows what love really is - he thought he had been in love before but I have proven him wrong. I feel the same. But the Christmas thing has become such an issue for me now. It's really causing me problems with trusting him even though I know where he is 24/7 and he spends every night in my bed. I am confident, have a great job, great family, loadsa friends, his family adore me and his dad told me that we were made to be together, he's never seen my boyf so happy etc. but I just can't help checking out this girl's life. I've even wished she was dead....and I feel so guilty for it. I get on great with his friends some of who are also still friends with his ex. I never ask him anything about her but it's secretly eating me up inside - he has no idea of how I'm feeling. And now any functions that come up such as Christmas parties, nights out with his college pals who are in the same group as her, basically any night that I'm not out with him I will be freaking out that she's around. I don't want to admit to him how I'm feeling as he thinks I'm this confident girl that nothing phases me. Funny thing is though when he has a few drinks, he can't stop talking about my ex's. Did you love him, why did you say you'd marry him, what was he like in bed, how did you get on with his family!!! So perhaps he is having similar jealousy feelings as me. Please tell me that I'll get over this - that it is just a phase...I know that over the past 6 months we have amazingly deep feelings for each other and really believe that this is 'the one' but I need to stop thinking about this girl as really there is nothing to think about. He dumped her, he said he didn't love her, they had lived together then he moved out and in with some pals trying to break up with her. COME ON SOMEONE GIVE ME A CONFIDENCE BOOST!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): I actually realised how much I have of a problem when I googled this and came across this thread!
I've been with my bf for two years now, and although we have our occassional hiccups, I must say that we are happy together. We have broken up three times before, and all three times were because of my insecurities, and related to issues of his ex.
Ever since I found out about his ex, I have been obsessed about finding out more about her. It wasn't difficult because we have common friends, and I found out that he used to spend more time with her, was more romantic with her, and bought more gifts for her. With me, he was more practical than romantic. And sometimes, I wonder if she was better than me in many ways.
I know that he loves me for who I am, and I am not the type to demand attention or romantic gifts, which is probably why he is ignorant in providing me with the romance he gave his ex. BUT IT STILL BUGS ME ALL THE SAME! I can't stop thinking about this.
Two days ago, he was online at my place and logged into his e-mail account and forgot to log out. When I saw it, I couldn't help but read his old e-mails and the e-mails she wrote to him, especially after their break-up. I actually emphatised with her and a part of me wants to break up with him so that he can end up with her again. I know that she is not over him. I spoke to her about a month ago and realised that she is definitely NOT over him! I don't know what to do about it. In the e-mail, she writes that she missed the things he used to do. He did NONE of them with me!
In terms of looks and achievements I know that I have it better. But I just don't know why I can't let it go. Somehow, I feel like a part of him isn't really over her. He avoids mentioning her name, and he avoids mentioning anything related to her. I wonder if it's because it hurts him and that he still loves her.
I need to find closure to this obsession. I don't want to let him go because I love him so, but at the same time I want him to be happy and I can't help but think that if she does love him that much, then they deserve to be together.
Am I crazy or what?
Please advise, somebody!
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reader, neonriot +, writes (27 September 2007):
I have the same problem!
My bf and I will be going on for 1 year next week. Ever since we been going out I have had this hate for his ex. First of all, at my prom they ended up sitting at my table together (I didn't know him then) this was May 2006. One day we got to talking about prom, but I didn't tell him I remember him being there, and he said that when he went he "went with a friend". I don't know if she was just his friend then or not but thinking back on it made me want to puke. Shes not a model or anything shes like 5'1 but I guess she has a pretty face.
I have searched for stuff on her everywhere because I guess I want to be depressed haha, and she use to be in all of the plays, she sings, acts, she did a speech at her graduation (i was there sadly) shes really smart (ugh), shes always doing something active. Sunday I found a blog she did a long time ago when they were dating (gag me) I nearly died, I went into a full panic attack. She has all these poems and writings she writes, she wins stuff all the time. In the journal it said "I was at the valentines day dance. I told (my bfs name) that my sole purpose of my exsistence was to marry him..isn't that right (bfs name) -wink-." I nearly died when I read that. Theres a couple of references to him. Everyone I know hates her, because she was always an annoying suck up person..but then I think well my bf went out with her for like a year. I feel like hes still bitter about things. Like everywhere we go hes like "uugh" because its like everything reminds him of her or something and bad memories. He says she lied a lot and I'm pretty sure she cheated on him, and he kept forgiving her for so many things, she drank a lot too. Shes the first person he had sex with.
Its almost like she was everything he says he hates. He always tells me he loves me more then he ever loved anyone, and I know he loves me and cares about me. Its such a hard feeling to get rid of being jealous of an ex. Its so intense and nauseating. Its all about being happy with yourself, but its not like that is easy when you feel like your competing. He added her on facebook when she requested and I freaked out then too. When my bf and I started going out, one time she messaged him and he was like "ugh this person i don't want to talk to keeps messaging me" and he didn't want to say the name I could tell, but I knew who it was. So now I feel like she talks to him sometimes or something. I hate it. I feel like she was such an asshole to him, he shouldn't give her the time of day. What the worst part is, is that shes so good at everything, and I'm not so much. She sings (hes in bands) so its like what if theres songs about her in his books he shows me. It makes me want to puke.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): Omg..I do the same thing. It gives me nervous breakdowns.
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female
reader, sxc367 +, writes (24 September 2007):
 this thread is a god-send! i literally thought i had gone crazy!
i don't even know how my obsession started, but it is consuming me now and it has to stop. so many thoughts run through my mind and it's making me less productive in my own life. i constantly compare myself to her--her schooling, her job, her friends...everything! i let myself get down and i even wonder why he left her to be with me.
he also made the mistake of divulging just a little too much info to me. i mean, i knew the basics; but he told me the little quirks about her. i find myself consciencely trying to mimic her.
logically this doesn't make sense because i went to a great school, i have a decent job, and i have great friends and family. i try to remind myself of all the positives in my life, but i still get down on myself. i recently started going to the gym with one of my friends and that has helped subside my issue, but i need more. i'm open to any and all suggestions. PLEASE!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2007): Hey everyone!
I have been going through the same problem. An obsession with an Ex that is so overwhelming that it is taking over my life... thoughts, dreams, you name it! She was his only other GF before me, first times with everything with each other. Which sickens me. He wasn't able to have a GF after her for 4 years because she was all he could think about. I have stalked her on facebook, myspace, etc. And what doesn't help is that she is a model and TV host in Hollywood. I can't stand the fact that she is soooo beautiful and making her dreams come true. I know that sounds mean, but I don't think I would have this unhealthy obsession with her if she wasn't such a rude, ugly (on the inside) person. I have met her before and she is such a mean person! And I know she thinks she is God's gift because she has literally told people that, and has written all over her profiles that she’s the hottest person she knows. She is sooo confident that it makes me jealous; I wish that I had her confidence, as well as her good looks. My boyfriend is not friends with her anymore, but his friends are obsessed with her. They are always posting comments and talking to her. I know for a fact she does it just to get attention and to get my bf's attention, not because she likes his friends or wants to be friends with them.
The movie "Mean Girls" is the most perfect example of my obsession. She is exactly like the character Rachel McAdams plays, and I become obsessed with her like the character Lindsay Lohan plays. And watching that movie made me disgusted with the way I was living my life now... obsessed with an awful person, who is only beautiful on the outside.
Believe it or not.... The obsession that has taken over my life is disappearing.... Yes Ladies, after being with my man for 2 years now, and being obsessed with his Ex for 1.5 years I am finally getting over her...
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**Most of all of us women who have this problem with our man's Ex all know our man loves us... and that he wants us and not her. From my own experience... just knowing that didn't help me at all, so here are the steps I took to get over this unhealthy obsession...**
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HERE ARE THE THINGS I DID TO GET OVER MY B/F'S EX (I hope they may help you):
1- Whenever I was home I put fun, happy music on CD player and blasted it... when I am happy and feeling good I am less likely to spend time looking at her profiles.
2- I work-out more often. I know you all have heard that exercising releases endorphins and endorphins make you happy... well truly listen to it. I did and it has helped me the most! Not only do I feel better, but when I look in the mirror I really like what I see. Not to mention my sex life is wonderful because I am very confident when I take off my clothes now.
3- When you have extra time/ spare time... STAY AWAY FROM HE COMPUTER! Being on the comp only increases the chances of stalking the Ex. When I have spare time now I bake muffins/ cookies for my man and of course me (I know that sounds gay and soo traditional to bake, but it's actually really fun when the music is blasting and you can dance around the kitchen). And its always wonderful to put a smile on my man's face! Also with my spare time now I have gotten back into painting, which I haven't done since high school- it feels great to be able to get my creative side back.
4- Acted like I was better than she was. I know I don't feel that way because I have many reasons why I am jealous of her, but just making myself stand up tall, have a strong attitude, and just act like I am better than everyone else around me (not in a rude way, I am still a very sweet girl. I just act like nobody has the authority to put me down!). This makes me feel stronger and more confident. Acting is more powerful than you think!
5- Watch Happy/ Loving Movies! Yes it is as simple as that... My favorite is "Legally Blonde" and "Father of the Bride" 1& 2. You may not like my movies, but pick your own favs and watch them when you feel blue. These movies help pick me up when I am down. It's sometimes great to just lie there on the couch, eat popcorn, drink a martini and watch a good movie.
6- Dress up. You don't need to necessarily go anywhere. I am in grad school right now and am extremely poor. But I love to look good... curl my hair, put on a cute top or dress. I truly feel more confident when I look good. Sometimes it sucks to get the motivation to go through the work to blow dry my hair, but in the end it's worth it. Plus I love the look on my man's face when I dress up.
7- I have stopped trying to look up to models and other stereotypical women in Hollywood. Most of everything you see is fake anyways... airbrushed, etc. The older I have gotten the more I have realized that I look a little like my grandmother and sister. I am so proud to look like them because they are wonderful people. I once was thinking about plastic surgery on my face, but I realized I would erase me. I can understand people who get plastic surgery for a growth, or abnormality, but not just to be prettier. Plastic surgery only shows low self-esteem and self-worth. I know my self-esteem isn't the highest but I would never go through the procedure now.
8- I made a Vision Board and put it behind my comp (if any of you have seen or read "The Secret" you know what I am talking about. It truly works with helping not look at her profile when I am on the comp. A Vision Board is a board made up of magazine cut outs of things I want to accomplish in life/ be able to buy later on in life. I have pictures of other countries because I want to visit there, a Gucci purse... yeah it's a lil materialistic, but hey it's the only materialistic thing I have on there. A girl can't help but love a lil fashion! It was also a blast to make. When I look at the board I realize the time I would spend looking at her profile prohibits me from the time I could spend doing things to help reach my goals or other things I enjoy!
9- Just remember Men love confident women and confident women are not stalking their ex-girlfriends. It is really unattractive. I could not imagine if my boyfriend found out how badly I was obsessed with his Ex. It is truly embarrassing! Plus I feel better about myself around him, I don't feel like I have to hide anything. Plus I don't get angry at him as often, because she's not the last thing I was thinking about or looking at online.
I TRULY HOPE THESE THINGS THAT HELPED ME WILL HELP YOU TOO!
BEST WISHES!
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female
reader, Alexisstar  +, writes (19 September 2007):
I cannot tell you all how releived I am to find this thread-I thought that I had literally gone crazy!
Since being with my boyfriend for a year and a half now-his ex is all I can think about. They were together around 4/5 years ago for a year and it wasn't even that special but I am totally obsessed with her. I look at her facebook everyday, look through her photos, analyse her face, watch videos of her, listen to how her voice sounds, how she talks to others, how she looks when she smiles, frowns, laughs and does stupid faces at the camera.
WHY is this happening to me!? I'm a rational person, I've been told by so many people that I am beautiful, I have a great body and can get any guy I want - but I feel she is so much better than me in so many ways.
She's a cute little blonde with the most perfect skin I have ever seen - I've become so obsessed that I started worrying that I was actually IN LOVE with her! She has hundreds of friends, smiles all the time, is always happy, goes to a better University than me and is loved by everyone for being 'such a lovely girl'.
The worst thing is, I had no fucking idea who the hell she was until I started seeing my boyfriend. She was in the year below me at school but I never knew she existed. But now the tables have turned and I constantly think about her...and i mean constantly.
I imagine scenarios where I walk into the club where she is every weekend looking absolutely stunning and she gets jealous. I imgaine making her laugh and showing her what a great person I can be so she can obsess about me instead. My boyfriend doesn't even talk to her anymore-and she doesn't talk to him!! She even HELPED us get together!!!! For that reason I feel she has a one over on me. What the fuck is wrong with me!!?
I removed her as a friend from facebook but I just keep trying to look at pictures of her through my friends profiles.
I am SICK of these thoughts swimming around in my head-they have no reason to BE. I want to go back to how it was-not knowing who the fuck she is and not knowing anthing about her. I just want to be NORMAL again!!
What can I do, please help!
God help me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): Hi,
I'm a guy, and my girlfriend is going through everything that you guys are talking about. She's almost looking obsessed with my ex - who's living in another country and who i stopped talking to 9 months ago when she told me that it hurt her. But even now she has been going through my emails and looking for reasons why my ex was better.
I did however have remnants of my relationship with my ex in my place for the first month or so - and i was talking to my ex for that month. however my ex and i had been broken up for over a year when i started seeing my girlfriend and our relationship had changed into a friendship where we spoke on the phone occasionally.
I broke off all contact with my ex after my girlfriend told me that she couldnt' handle it - and yet still now 9 months later she's still angry and hurting over my past - when i have moved on and left all that behind me.
Is there any advice that anyone else can give me - as i'm looking for anything more i can do to help her through this. She's constantly comparing herself to my ex and my girlfriend is a million times better than my ex ever could be - but nothing i can say or do seems to help.
Can anyone who's on the other side of this tell me what they would want their partner to do? or what would help them to understand and realise that they are the most important person in their partner's life?
I'm searching for answers and i am willing to do anything i can - my girlfriend is worth it and more.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): Ok, my deal is this..
My husband, who I married last summer and have been with for 3 years, was solicited on myspace.com by his ex from 8 years ago!! She wrote him last year to tell him, "congratulations and shit on your wedding", and wanted to be added as a friend.
First of all, their relationship lasted a whole 11 months and they were engaged!! She was 18 and he was 22 when they were together. Anyways, it didn't end well and to this day his family has a very derogatory name for her if she is referred to. And he did do the leaving in that relationship.
When my husband and I first started dating I was told terrible rumors about him, such as he was a "dead-beat" dad to this chic's bastard kid, that he left her when she was pregnant, that they were still married, etc. None of which were true. He doesn't have any kids, yet, and they were never married. All obviously started by his ex or her friends, to make him look bad after he ditched her and she subsequently became pregnant by a convict on a one-night stand. Nice, huh?
Well, my husband did not want to contact her back on myspace, but thought it would be funny for me to write her back, so I did. I was VERY nice but FIRM. I even told her she was pretty for crying out loud!! And told her someone great would come along to make her not think about her ex. She wrote back and told me she had someone special and then put up lots of LESBIAN stuff on her page, all of a sudden, when the day before her page was talking all about finding a MAN to be her kids daddy. And after I send her a return email she puts up crazy lesbian stuff everywhere.
She then decided to call me a "bitch" "crack whore" and anything else you can think of on her myspace page. She also wrote a blog about how my husband used to abuse her!!! He's NOT an abuser, by any means. Her fellings just got hurt and she decided to take her aggressions out online, on myspace. My husband and I both called her on her slanderous/false blog and she removed it, but not until I told her I knew where she lived and I was on my way to personally take care of this situation.
Now, ever since I'm paranoid to an extent as to what this crazy person is plotting now. I did hear a couple rumors that I know the ex started about me, one was that I was harassing all her friends, (I didn't know she even had any friends) and that I'm jealous and insecure because I confronted her about contacting my husband. Personally, if I wasn't secure I would have let her do and say what she wanted with no sonsequenses, but I know my right as a WIFE. I do keep tabs on her, to an extent, but she's quite boring and loserish, it's mainly to make sure she doesn't decide to dedicate a page to slamming my husband and I again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): I'm my god I'm so happy I found this thread! I thought I was literally going insane with the way I've been obsessing about my boyfriend's ex's. My boyfriend and I have been together for only two months but we've been very close for over two years. We talked all the time over those two years but we never really talked about his ex's or his past sex life. I knew he'd had sex before, but for some stupid reason I thought he'd never been with a virgin. I just assumed it for some reason. So, while I was still with my ex bf I purposely didn't have sex so that I could stay a virgin. I wanted to make sure my first time with my (now current) boyfriend would be special; I'd get to be his first virgin experience. Well I broke up with the old bf and then I (finally) got with my current boyfriend. A month ago we took a little vacation to Canada and while up there we decided to have sex. I first asked him how many of his past girlfriends were virgins, expecting to hear 'zero'. What I got instead was, "Well, I've been with 3 girls. Two of them were virgins." I felt like I had just swallowed a giant lead weight and my stomach had fallen out of my body. I couldn't even talk; at that moment I knew for sure that I could never be special to him. From then on I was OBSESSED. (Of course, like an idiot, I still slept with him anyway.) Sigh. So now my problem is that I can't stop thinking about these ex's....I have no idea who they are or what they look like...heck, I only know the name of one them. My boyfriend very rarely mentions them, thank god, and I know he loves me. He's a great guy. He never talks to them or sees them, I know that much for sure. But I can't shake the feeling that he still thinks about them and compares me to them. Just the thought of him sleeping with another girl drives me so crazy I can hardly stand it. And what makes this worse is that he still keeps pictures of them and love notes from them. They're hidden away and they're ancient, but it still bothers me. I know he still reads the notes sometimes for 'sentimental value'. Whatever. *I* don't have anything like that saved from past relationships, why should he?I think the thing that bothers me most is that I know *nothing* about these girls. I know a lot about one girl, but nothing what-so-ever about the other two. I want to know when the relationships ended and why; I want to know their names, birthdays, where they live, what they look like, their favorite color....everything. And I'm annoyed because I can't find out anything on myspace or facebook or whatever because I don't even have their names to search for them. I feel like I've gone totally nuts and there's no stopping it. All this stems from my own insecurities...but it seems unstoppable. It's like a part of me enjoys this sadistic torture. So...what do you gals think? Should I ask my boyfriend to tell me more about these past women, or should I drop it? Would knowing more about them make me feel better or worse?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2007): hi girls.. well first of all the answer is you just have to stop obsessing. I have been through this myself. Not being an obsessive person at all, when I started dating my boyfriend, I found his ex was still calling, dropping over and getting upset when she found out that he was seeing someone else. It wasn't that either of them wanted to be together but it appeared that as she was an attention seeker she wanted to move on first, she wanted to know that he was still there for her. When she found out about me the questions came, she wanted to know if I was prettier than her, blah blah.. and she continued to call / sms/ msn chat to him. Because she was still around and she would call / text him to go "shopping" with her or have a coffee I then became obsessed. I was going through pictures he had of her, comparing myself to her. In the first 2 months I knew for a fact I was prettier, skinnier and a way better person than her. Then all of a sudden through my obsession I felt ugly, fat, that she was better than me, that he was replacing her with me... this went on for 4 months, and we would fight viciously about it in heated arguments, particularly after a few drinks and nearly break up every week. In the end I had to stop looking at pictures (why was I? he never looked at them) and stop checking her myspace. I was convinced she would put the best pictures of herself on the myspace just for my benefit! Seriously. What was how wrong it was with me. So now, I've moved on, I laugh to think of how screwed up we let ourselves become in our female minds.. guys never go through this. Funny how we have females as our closest friends but their also our worst enemies when we want them to be.If I ever meet my boyfriends ex in person I'm sure we'd actually get along quite well, we do have a lot in common, to a certain extent and I'd respect her as a fellow female who's been through similar troubles to us all.So - stop making stories, excuses, and silly little self-destructing tales in your mind and enjoy the love of your boyfriend. Otherwise you're going to push him away, and then you'll think that it was the ex's fault! IT'S YOUR OWN! Your gorgeous, he's with you for a reason.. really, most guys can't be bothered with relationships so he is really with you for you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007): i am exactly the same i think about it all the time, i have been with a wonderful man for 3 years but thinking about his ex's drive me insane. i think he thinks about having sex with them and it pysically hurts me. I dont see a way to get over it he tells me im stupid and that we have something he never had with them but it still upsets me. all i can say is, it was in the past, before he met u, my boyf says he wishes he didnt have so many ex's. theres nothing u can do to change the past, its happened, all you can do is focus on what u2 have. thats whats important now. You could end up driving him away with jealousy. U have to look to the future and remember an ex is an ex for a reason.Hope this helps because its driven me insane for years now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2007): I want to say i am so happy that i found people who have the same problem as me.In my case my bf ex was my friend and she is a model. I am not a friends with her anymore long before i started to date him, but is still makes me upset. Even though all our friends in common say she is not prettier than me, but the mst important is my bf thinks that she is. I am very upset about it and i decided to get a nse job. I am very upset and depressed. As well my exbf cheated on me with his ex, and in the end they got back together even though we were together for 2 years. I am very very depressed about all that situation, i really need some help, but nobody can help me
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2007): Judging from this post, and the enormous response I'd say we women are all pretty much the same when it comes to things like this. When I first started seeing my b/f he was the one still obsessed by his ex. I never did see what he saw in that bi***! She was not pretty, she was always dying her hair red, blonde, black, sometimes it was multi-colors, she wore a ton of make-up, her boobs were practically non-existent, while her butt and thighs were huge. I found myself obsessing about her, not because I was jealous (well, maybe just a little because I knew he still loved her even 2 years after the break-up) but because I couldn't figure out what he saw in her, and how he could love me, a thin, shapely little brunette with big green eyes, and a sweet personality. So I tried to find common threads. There weren't any, except we were both female. I knew I was way better, but I used to look at the pictures he had of her (because he had so many) and wonder what did she have that turned him on? Was it because she was artistic? Okay so she slapped a little paint on a few cow skulls. Big deal. Kids do that. Was it because she was great in bed?....He's told me I am the best sex he's ever had....I will probably never know so I finally had to quit obsessing. You can quit too! Just quit looking at her picture, or thinking about her all the time. You are living in his past way more than he is. Trust me, he's with you. Just enjoy it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2007): My boyfriends ex bothers me so much...
They did everything including sex. I just wanted to be his first...but she took that from him and I. Thats what really makes me cry.
They said I love you to eachother.
She has bigger boobs than me. My bf tried saying she has smaller ones than me but I've seen pictures.
She's alot like me in some ways...even down to the same hairspray. I know it sounds pathetic but the point is, that It makes me feel even more like my bf is comparing me to her or even dating me since I am like her.
I find myself giving her MySpace a once over every so often and even though it hurts me I still do it to this day.
I've tried speaking to my bf about it but he doesn't want to talk about it & when he does... I convince myself that he is lying to me to make me feel better or maybe left certain things out.
She was with him for 2 1/2 years and she babysat for his sisters kids...yet my bf still says his family hated her? I just wish that my bf would openly talk about this with me so I could feel a little better. But he just blows it off and acts like I shouldn't be hurt by it.
He knows how I feel and the fact that I check her myspace. How can I get my bf to open up to me???
- Hurt
Could someone please give some kind of advice
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): Phew!! I am so glad to know that I'm not the only girl who has this problem. I really don't consider myself to be the jealous type but when it comes to my bf of almost 2 years, i just find myself obsessing about one of his exes. We have a wonderful relationship and he's 100% comitted to me and tells me he loves me each and everyday. However, i know they were together for 3 years and she broke up with him suddenly (5 years ago) and they don't keep in contact. I find myself constantly thinking, "oh does he compare me to her? Does he love me asmuch as he loved her?" I hate myself for doing this but I found out her name and googled/ myspace/facebook for her. I feel better knowing that I am better looking than her but she's such a nice person (raises money for so many charities, has nice friends and so forth) that i really can't hate her! She's moved on and he's moved on. I still check out her profile whenevr i go on and it's like I'm obsessed! It's like I seek delight in such torture. Perhaps I am just jealous she got to him first?? I don't know but I really wish I could get over this sick fascination I have with her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2007): At last...proof that I am not completely irrational and that other people have the same thought processes!!!My situtation is that I am now in a relationship with a man who has 1 ex wife (with whom he has 2 children) and a soon to be ex wife - who was with him when I met him!!After having a friendship...which soon turned into an affair, he left his wife after 3 months. They had been married for little over a year and it was a terrible marriage. They didn't share a bed and hadn't for a long time and he was pushed into marriage by her, probably because he didn't know then what love was.According to his 1st wife and his teenage daughters who I have a fantastic relationship with, the 2nd wife was a manipulative money grabber who my man only saw probably about 2 evenings a week prior to meeting me! She wanted to be the only woman in his life and was jealous of his children (gave him an ultimatum between him and the girls), gave up her job the second she met him and just spent all of his money for a living. Wag wannabe.So, what's the problem you may ask? It's quite simply that I cannot understand how he could ever have fallen for her!!Well, when I have my rational head on, I think to myself that he left her for me, he spent every day away from her that he could working or on boys nights out (he's completely the opposite now) and I think how little he respected her and how much he respects me. I am completely different - very attractive, very successful and independent, cheeky and very loving.But then, this little monster appears in my head and questions constantly how he could have married her and then,fallen in love with her and then me, us being so different!! I get so angry about their divorce - I work so hard and pay for half of everything, she didn't work at all and could buy whatever she wanted and will walk away with over £1m in their divorce!!! My boyfriend says he never loved her and although I believe this to be true, I question everything.I find myself researching her on the internet, drawing information about her from my boyfriends' colleagues or friends (always negative I must add) and most recently, I am fantasising about running her over with a slow moving vehicle.This obsession is making me feel ill constantly and so I need to get over this and move on. I think constantly about how happy I am and how complete my life is but I harbour so much bitterness towards this woman who has taken so much and deserves none of it!!!I don't have a clue how to do it but I really wish I did!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2007): I am on the opposite end of the spectrum. My ex's new girlfriend is obsessed with me. She is to the point of cyber stalking and I am to the point of calling HIM to tell him what she is doing!I haven't seen or talked to him in years and quite honestly have NO desire to. Why she has become so obsessed with me is beyond reason but I am sick of it. GET A GRIP, I moved on, she should too.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2007): Ladies...I agree 100 percent with all of you. I get sick to my stomach to know he has had relationships with other women. I mean it's a lil hipocritical because i have had many relationships, but for some reason when it comes to him.... I cant imagine him lovin some one else, touchin, kissin,laughing, enjoyin, or caring about someone else...better yet havin sex with someone else.!!!! I get worked up when I think about his baby moms and how he was so dumb to fall into her tricks, and have a baby with her. Now I obsess and want to know everything about her. The thing that kills me is that i look WAY better than her.She is a bum. No education, no job, mad young with a rude ass kid, and has no aspirations to be anything.All she does is get high, and have sex... based on what he says, and her myspace :) I dont know why I feel like this but I HATE SO MUCH!!! Sometimes Im fine...other days I stalk her online and do things to her that aint cool. If I would of never known she was his ex...she wouldnt bother me, but since I know that's his ex and baby mom...it messes with my mental . I feel real stupid and actually pathetic. Maybe I am a psycho or Im just selfish. Everybody has a past and it's something I need to learn to accept. I JUST WISH I WAS HIS FIRST EVERYTHING, ESPECIALLY WITH THE WHOLE BABY THING TOO. That girl ripped me off of what should of been mine first!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2007): Hi!Oh my God, when I found this page I wasn't planning on writing or anything but it all relates so much that I just want to get it all off my chest now that don't feel alone! To start, I'm not any sort of psycho bitch, if anything his ex is. In fact, I don't even think I hate her or anything, or ever did, but I just can't get over it.I've known my boyfriend two and a half years, as we started going to the same class, I was new and didn't know anyone and I immediately started fancying him loads, I thought he was gorgeous and such a nice guy, although we didn't even talk that much. A month later, october, he started going out with his ex, who, I must add, is this kind of immature, short, not exactly ugly but certainly annoying and definitely not pretty, imbecile. She'd been after him for 3 years by then. So, I found out and got a bit upset but nothing else, until it started escalating into this huge crush, especially as I got to know him.9 months later, at a party, we got very drunk and kissed, and that just broke me in two. I was desperately in love, and he was still with this idiot. The best thing is, he spent the next 6 months telling me how awful his relationship was and how much he coldn't stant her anymore, but how he still loved her. And every time we met up (which was rarely, as she'd banned him from seeing me) there was this huge chmistry between us. Anyone, we kissed again, after almost a month of not speaking (she'd banned him from phoning me). And then it happened again on a night I went back to his house and he confessed he really liked me, and broke up with her the next day. A month later we were going out, and she was absolutwly heartbroken. At first, I was like ha! in your face! (she hates me!) but now, more than a year later, I can't get over him.I mean, they were each other's first loves, first times, first everythings. He keeps all her old letters, and I read the sexual bits and it makes me sick. I've told him, and he just tells me to get over it, but talking about it with him (he's honest to me about it all) makes me so angry I feel like leaving him for someone else just to hurt him. To make everything worse, he's MY first love and MY first time (although I was mad enough to pretend he wasn't just because I feel so stupid, because she was some kind of frigid bitch and I pretended I was your typical open, experienced type, although I later had to confess..)I just wish I had exes, other lovers...I mean I've always had loads of flings and loads of male attention (he's got a problem with that! ha!), but it's not the same..The real problem is that he says im the one and everything, but it's the fact that HE KNEW ME the WlHOLE time he was going out with her, and that to me feels like treason. If im really the one, how come he knew me and yet loved the other girl?? and SLEPT with her. I can't take it, and the thing is, I didn't have this problem at the beginning of the relationship. I'm convinced I'm going mad, as I've never done anything like this before, and I'm not even the jealous type!!! (and yes, I read all his messages, letters, photos...) I mean, I dunno, he even left her for me, and according to him he liked me from the ver beginning but never thought he stood a chance with me...so what? he just goes out with his other idiot for a year and a half??HELP! I love him, but i just can't take it.Lol, I'm that desperate that if anyone wants to get in touch my address is [email address blocked]
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2007):
I met my boyfriend last summer and fell in love with his smile as I'm sure that hundreds of woman across Canada and Ireland (he has dual citizenship) have done before me.
Good news first. I am now in a relationship that is only written about in books or seen in movies. The Notebook made me want to puke about a year ago, and now, it pales in comparison to what I've found. My boyfriend is my definition of perfect. Sincere, honest, gorgeous, loving, you name it, he's got it. We don't fight. He has never hurt me. I never thought that guy was out there and now he's sitting in my living room. I truly am the luckiest girl alive.
But.. with the good, comes two ex wives and countless ex girlfriends. His first marriage I understand. He was young and married his high school sweetheart. Out of that relationship came a fantastic daughter who is now twelve and an active part of my life. The relationship ended when she had an affair. His second marriage I believe was an attempt to get things right the second time around. It only lasted about two years and according to him he never really loved her to begin with.
After his second marriage ended he took off to Ireland, and lived back and forth for a few years. He was bitter by then and took nothing seriously. There were a thousand random hookups I don't care to know about. One semi-serious girlfriend here in Montreal... But obviously not serious enough to stop him from spending months on end on the other side of the world. She was madly in love with him. He was just getting laid. They were still seeing each other when I met him and he ended a few weeks after we met. He's been nothing but honest with me about the whole thing.. Some details I wish he'd have spared me, but he wanted to be fully real with me.
If you've read this much, you're already seeing my problem. I shouldn't know this much or care to write about it. But I do. And I can't figure out what the hell is the matter with me.
When he picks up his daughter, I want to scream. He's always gone in the house to get her and sometimes stays a while. His ex is remarried. They have a friendship now based on his daughter. I just sit in the car and wait if I'm with him and try to catch a glimpse of her, praying she doesn't look better than I do. Then I obsess for the night about why he goes in. Is it because he wants to see her? Are there still feelings there? Would they ever have split up if she was faithful?
His ex girlfriend stalked me on myspace when we first started dating which was basically how she found out about me to begin with. Ever since.. I stalk her back. I spent months reading her blogs about him and her and how destroyed she was. I even went into her archives and read everything she had written long before I was in the picture. To see how serious it was I suppose. To torture myself with details about their time together. I became obsessed with her.
Today, she is with someone new. Never speaks of him anymore. Why do I know this? Because I continue to be obsessed with her life. Her pictures, comparing myself to her. I want this to stop. I spend a day at work on the internet.. Then he comes home and is in a great mood and can't figure out what's wrong with me. And I'm actually PISSED at him. Pissed that they ever existed.
I'm glad to here I'm not alone with this, but can anyone help? Offer some advice as to how to stop this before it damages a relationship that I've been looking for my whole life.
He's over his exes. I want to be.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2007): i am in mearly the exact situation. i have been going out with my boyriend for about 2 years and i cant get over his ex. i had found letters from his ex and i couldnt help myself i had to read one of them and today i had admitted it to my boyfriend. he is very upset about it. i fel very obsesive and hurt but i dont want to split up with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2007): Help me! I have a beautiful, wonderful, kind, caring boyfriend. He is the boyfriend that i always wanted. We have a great relationship all bar this one thing that i just can't stop thinking about. Its not just one ex, it is all of them that i can't stand. What's hard is that there are constant reminders. There was a photo in his flat hanging on the wall (he has finally taken it down) He had their numbers in his phone (those just had to go) they e-mail him on his birthday and at Christmas (this drives me crazy) We have been to places where I know he has taken them. (I sulk at this) and he keeps on bringing them up in conversation. (unforgivable)
The thing that I hate most though is that I am sleeping in the same bed, that they slept in with him.
Perhaps on a par with that are the friends who are associated with a particular ex. He was either introduced through them, or they are still in contact with the ex's. I have to cope with all of this including one friend, who cancelled a pre-arranged dinner party, because that weekend she had been with his ex, who happens to be her best friend.
I feel so angry and powerless with how strongly I feel about this issue. When i try and explain how I feel to my boyfriend he has no clue as to the intensity of the emotion behind what i am saying. He listens, but does he really understand? Ok, so he has taken some token steps. ie got rid of photos and deleted the numbers. But this just does not seem to be enough to rid me of the anxiety i am feeling.
The thing is, I think as girls, we are far more sensitive to the ex factor. All photos of my ex's are safety stored away, not hanging on the wall. All numbers were deleted a long time agao and I never ever mention them in passing to him. This is all because as i am sensitive enough to realise that it might hurt him. To me there seems to be a gaping and obvious imbalance here.
As an example, last week he was away on business,and I stayed over at his flat on my own for the first time. What did I do? It was just too tempting. I combed through every bit of paperwork I could find trying to uncover evidence that he still cared for one of them. How is this rational? The inevitable happened. I just ended up hurting myself, as I found a particularly happy photo of him and one of his ex's (the young, slim, pretty one) Since then I have felt down, worthless and in despair. I hate myself for what I've done and and for what I've become. The one that bugs me the most, does not even live in the same country. But as she was the most recent to me, my hatred of her is at the most fierce. I am now the kind of person that I despise. What is my problesm? I am intelligent, pretty, nice, funny, cute. I am a professional in a tough male dominated field. These are all the things that he admires about me and the reasons that he fell in love with me. In my mind, I know that none of these women can match up and he has admitted that he has never felt closer to someone. So where then does all this insecurity and jealousy come from?
Last night, all I did was cry as I tried to tell him about how i felt( did not have the guts to say that i cased his flat though!) but now that i've told him, I am afraid that he'll just see me as some psycho girlfriend, where really he would be better off without me. The usual self preservation stuff just does not seem to work. i.e he loves me, he is with me and not her, there is a fundamental reasons that he is not with her right now.
I don't really know which way to turn, as it can't really continue like this, as i know that it will eat me up so much that it will end up destroying our relationship. I know me. I'll get so annoyed with how I'm reacting, that I'll just leg it.
So, that's my sorry tale. Please can anyone post, who has been through this and got out unscathed on the other side?
xx
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reader, Obsessiongirl +, writes (7 May 2007):
Hello everyone!
I am so very,very glad to have found this this website, and this thread. I thought I was the only insane person on the planet to feel like this - and it's very reassuring to realise I'm not alone! I have been in 4 long-term relationships throughout my life (including 2 marriages) and during each of them, I made myself miserable by being utterly, totally, crazily obsessed with whoever was my man's most recent and/or serious ex.
I tended to become so obsessed, it was almost as if I actually forgot about the man I was actually with, and had formed some kind of 'alternative relationship' with the ex! I always had 'snooping' tendencies (doing some or all of the things you have all mentioned doing) but with the advent of the internet, well, oh dear, someone like me was going to have a field day, weren't they?
With my most recent obsession (over the course of the past 4 years..) I have done all of the following: traced her birth certificate, so I knew her birth details/birthday; sat outside her house and watched her come and go; guessed her email account password, went into it and read many, many private emails; from this private correspondence, found out where she was meeting friends, went there, sat a few feet away, and watched her talking and laughing (she doesn't know me..). This is just a few examples of the things I've done - honestly, I believe that this woman's life is now more real to me than my own...
Why? I don't know, and heaven knows I would do anything to free myself of this. It has poisoned every relationship I've ever had, and I'm not taking things lightly when I say that this addiction is stronger than heroin. And do you know? I'm NOT insecure about my relationships - I truly did believe that these men were in love with me, and had utterly forgotten their exes. It was only me who hadn't...
So what is it that we suffer from? Could any trained psychotherapists out there give us an answer? Offer help? I went to a counsellor (but was too ashamed to tell her the full truth of the things I had done) and she said that obsessions were usually a result of 'attachment disorders' from childhood. I believe this - I had a crap childhood, with parents who didn't love me....so maybe this is what ails us all - attachment problems. We attach to and obsess about the wrong things.
I feel for you all (us all!) because this is not pretty, and brings out the worst in us. How can any of us feel good about ourselves, when we have so much bitter, corrosive, jealous hatred coursing through us?
Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2007): I really identify with this issue. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years now. He dated his ex for a little over 2 yrs. She has not been a part of her life since we both graduated from school. Most of our relationship, unfortunately, has been long distance, as he still goes to college near home, whereas I am half way across the country. The long distance has been hard, but we are half way through college and we will be spending the next spring abroad together.
We are happy, expect for my stupid obsession with his ex. She goes to the same college as he does. They do not speak at all. She hates us. And they really do not have any friends in common. I think my obsessions grew out of the fact that they ended up going to the same college. He was is my boyfriend and she can actually see him more often than I can.
She hurt him a lot when they were together, but it was him who could not stand her anymore, but she refused to let him break up with her, and since he's a guy and was getting sex, stayed with her. She eventually broke things off, and they were friendly at first, but she was very mad when he started dating me. She did not think that I was good enough for him, even though I am way prettier (No, I am not just saying that) and nicer! She said I was a gold digger, when she herself admitted that that was the only reason she stayed with him so long.
Anyways, after we went to our separate colleges, she began dating a guy and she immediately fell in love with him, and that's when I began to be jealous. I hate the fact that she gets to be with the one she loves, I hate that she's happy and I spent so much of my time missing my boyfriend, and that because we cant be together most of the year, we miss out on so many things about each other's lives.
It is really pathetic that I feel this way. I know it is because I could obsess about any other couple, but just the fact that she gets to be happy and my boyfriends doesn't is I think what makes me be obsessed with her and her relationship. I keep hoping that her new boyfriends will break her heart, and I know that makes me irrational and a psycho bitch. I wish I could get over it. I mean I have not even seen this girl since we ran into her at a mall over year ago.
I find myself looking at her facebook, her myspace, xanga and pictures online. Afterwards, I feel so depressed. She looks so happy with her boyfriend.
It also does not help that I have way more work than her -- since she goes to a "party" public university, but then again I go to an ivy league :)
I know that when looking at the big picture, I am better than her, but I envy her happiness.
I don't know if this helps anyone, I really needed to vent.
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reader, frisket +, writes (1 May 2007):
yeah i know how this feel. I met my husband when he was on holiday and i was working as a pr at the hotel he stayed. the very first second our eyes met we knew we wanted to be together. We started talking but nothing really happened however the first conversation we had was about his ex which at the time (on the holiday) he was trying to forget.
as soon as he got back to england he told me he loved me and he wanted to marry me so yes we got married 4 months later very very quick. THEN i moved to england and guess what the ex phoned, texted me yes ladies me to tell me that she is going to have fun breaking us up. To make matters worse my husband while they were still together made some money arrangements of some kind to pay her bills but as soon as she knew that we got married she stop paying her bills so that my husband had to pay them for her. Sometimes she would phoned me and asked to speak to my husband and when i told her that he was not home and to leave a message she would reply "i need to speak to him and what i need to tell him has nothing to do with you" one day I got so angry that i really told her some shit, and guess what she did? She phone my husband to tell him if he was going to accept me talking to her the way i did. I am the married woman and yet she made me like the home recker.
Two years in our marriage while i was expecting my first child she phoned a friend of my husband and asked him to arranged a meeting for her with my husband.My husband hid everything from me he said that he didn't tell me because I would go crazy but a friend told me. A few years later a family member told me that my husband never loved me he married me on the rebound and the reason why he split up with his ex was because he wanted children and the ex did not.I am still with my husband now but a BLOW like that I'll never be able to get pass that. Today our marriage is at breaking point my husdand never wants to talk about how much this woman had pushed me away he thinks its the past and that's it even when we first got married he did not want to see how much his ex was hurting me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2007): Reading this has helped me SO much. I identify with everything that's been written here, but I think the fact that so many of us feel the same way is proof that it's all coming from our own paranoid (and insecure) minds - our boyfriends just want us to forget about their exes and be happy!! I am sure that we spend FAR more time thinking about their exes than they do. I agree with the 'rule' that we shouldn't allow ourselves to google their exes (or look at myspace, or facebook etc) - I also think we should ban ourselves from asking questions. Every time I've found out something new about her, I've ended up getting upset about it. I also agree that we should use this energy to be good girlfriends to them - not to hate their ex girlfriends. I also think these things help:
- How much do you think about YOUR exes?? Probably not very much! And I know I certainly don't think about the details of my past relationships (what we said to each other, what the sex was like, what our holidays were like etc)... so I'm sure it's the same for our boyfriends.
- Every time you start thinking about her or getting upset about it, force yourself to think of a really happy memory of you and him together. She doesn't have that memory - you do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2007): What do I do if my boyfriend is the one obsessed with my exes? Is there any advice I can give to him about what works to get over it? It is driving me absolutely crazy! It has changed out whole relationship! I love him to death but I don't know how to help him get over it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2007): I know how you all feel so much, it's comforting that u all feel the same as me. My bf and I have been together a little over 7 months now, we dated exclusively for a couple of months before that also as he wanted to make sure it was right for us to be together and that he had moved on fully from his ex. He was with his ex a year and a half before we got together, I was with my ex 7 months also, and his relationship ended a couple of months after mine.
We have the most amazing relationship i've ever known, every moment together is amazing, we hardly argue and when we do we sort it out really quickly and get back to normal. we are one of each other's best friends, never get bored of talking to each other and silences are comfortable, share the same music taste, make each other laugh loads and fancy the hell outta each other. we're in love and want to be together for as long as we can be, forever hopefully.
the problem is, I can't stop thinking about his ex! I hate the fact she got there first, I hate the fact I knew her at school and used to talk to her n sit near her so I know what she's like. I hate the fact that she hurt him, she always made him feel shitty about things he hadnt done wrong and caused arguments and then outta the blue left him for HER ex. obviously I'm glad she did, but she's just a horrible nasty person and I hate the fact she hurt him. He said he's ambivalent about her now, he does |
