A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex is planning on doing things that he refused to do with me. It really hurts. We were together 3 and a half years. I really wanted to go on a holiday with him, but he always said some day we will go. So I went on holiday on my own. After I came back we broke up, because I felt like he wasn't really into the relationship anymore. But I've spoken to him since and he asked for travel advice because he wants to go on holiday to one of the places I went! Not just that but I really wanted to go to see a band or festival with him and I heard he is planning to go to one in the summer, after he told me he was not interested in festivals at all, because he hated the crowds. Oh and he went to a gig with his friends, but he would never cometo see a gig with me.It just really hurts and makes me angry, because it feels like he was lying to me. It wasn't that he didn't want to do the same things as me, he just didn't want to do them with me. And that REALLY hurts because it basically means he was lying to me and stringing me along the whole time. I was with him for 3 years because I loved him and wanted to spend my time with him. I just don't understand why he did this. It really hurts. Any thoughts?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for both your answers. As for him making up for past mistakes, perhaps he has woken up and realised he has been missing out on fun and now wants to get out and do more. In which case I am happy for him. It just hurts that he didn't want to do these things with me that's all. Especially when it is things that I asked him to do with me when I was with him. He always turned me down and made up a million excuses why not to do these things. But if a friend suggests it, he's really up for it... hurts...
I don't think he consciously wants to rekindle, like he wouldn't admit it to me or himself. But like everyone after a breakup, I'm sure he's considered it. I know I have. Doesn't mean he truely wants to, or that it is the right thing to do. No he doesn't seem keen to rekindle, not that he would directly tell me if he was.
Anonymous, you are right, I am lucky it was only 3 years I spent feeling badly about these things. I could have stayed with him and tried to make things work, without ever really being happy. And he might never have wanted to go with me to concerts or the cinema or on holiday. There were reasons we broke up and although I accept I contributed to our problems, they were enough that I felt it best for us both to move on, and he agreed. I guess I should just be happy for him that he is moving on and making plans. Whether they are genuine or if he is subtly trying to hurt me by telling me he is doing things he knows I would have liked to do with him.
Either way, our time has passed. The point is he didn't want to share these experiences with me and I had a bloody good time doing them on my own, in fact probably better that if I had done them with him, as I was free to fully be myself and do my own thing whilst travelling.
I guess the reason I felt hurt was, thinking that maybe the reason he didnt want to do these things with me was not that he didnt want to do the things at all, just that he didnt want to do them WITH ME. Which sucks! Then it makes me think he was never really that "into" me, if he didnt want to share experiences with me. Which makes me think he was lying when he said he loved me and was just stringing me along because it was convenient or comfortable or whatever. Which makes me feel like a fool and quite devastated really, because I genuinely loved the guy and wanted a life with him, for as long as possible.
But I guess these things just happen, and you learn from them. I have certainly learnt a lot from our relationship, so for that I am thankful. I guess I should be glad and proud that I made a decision to get out of an unhappy relationship so that I can figure out what makes me happy. I've realised I dont need a relationship to be happy and that is truely liberating. If I want to do something, I can do it and the right people will come along for me to do it with, like travel, go to concerts etc. You cannot expect someone to do things with you, just by really wanting them to. Maybe he didn't do these things I wanted him to just to assert his independance? Maybe it was my attitude of wanting him to share my dreams and expectations that turned him off me, so no matter if he would actually have liked to do something, he wouldn't want to do it because I wanted him to do it with me in a desperate kind of way...? I think I wanted to go on holiday and stuff with him so we could have time alone and be romantic and stuff. Maybe he saw that and it was a turn off because it was forced romance, rather than a fun, relaxed experience? What do you think?
Oh well, I was young and naive when I met him and had all these dreamy, childish ideas of how a relationship should be, instead of a realistic, healthy attitude, so this would have happened with anyone. I need to grow up before I can have the real, loving, intimate relationship I hope for. Until then I am learning always to live for myself. If someone comes along and wants to join me in some of my life, someone lovely, attractive, fun and good company, that would be a lovely thing and I have a much better idea now of how to appreciate that without losing myself in that relationship and to continue living my life without having great expectations for this relationship, and instead to appreciate it for what it really is, the icing on the cake of my life, not the cake itself. But until then I will enjoy my life, and do what I want to do and I genuinly wish that he will be happy too and life his life to the fullest. If this has been a wake up call to enjoy his life, then I am very happy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2012): It might feel that you have wasted 3 years with someone who didnt appreciate you or take your wishes in to account. But take heart...i lived with a husband for 23 years who was exactly the same. He wouldnt go anywhere with me, didn't like crowds, the beach, my music taste ect. On the very rare occasions he did venture out with me, i had him in tow with a face like thunder! In the past 5 years that we have been apart, he has travelled with his new partner to all the places i longed to visit, Venice, Paris ect. They go to concerts, theatre, cinema. He wines and dines her. All the things he never wanted to do with me. But do you know what? I couldnt give two hoots! I wasted enough time feeling badly when i was with him, im certainly dont waste any time feeling upset now. Your ex partner either feels left on the shelf now you have gone, so he is trying to make more effort to be `interesting`. Or he is trying to rub salt in your wound by showing off about where he is going next. Either way, brush him off and dont let his new found energy bother you. Once he has secured another girl, he will fall back into his old ways. Be glad you are rid of him and enjoy the things you love doing. He is yesterdays news now x
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (6 February 2012):
 Instead of jumping to the conclusion that he lied, you could look at this another way. Being dumped may have been his wake up call and he's trying to make up his past mistakes. That you know his comings and goings suggests you're still in contact with him, or with someone who is. Has there been any word from him since your break up? Does he seem keen to reconcile?
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