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Not ready to meet the kids - but how to tell her?

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Question - (13 September 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 14 September 2017)
A male United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hi! I started dating a girl about 5 weeks ago (I'm 36 and she's 34). She has 2 children. She said the other day that she spoke to her ex, told him about me and that she'd like me to meet the children and he said that he's fine with it.

I really am fond of her but want to just slow things down a little. I want to tell her that but I don't know how to word it without coming across like I'm rejecting her.. Please could you guys give me some advice on how to word it?


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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (14 September 2017):

Personally, I think it's a test. Some single-parents want to know if you like kids, or truly realize that kids are a part of the package. They don't beat around the bush about it.

It might be better for her to slow things down, yes; but I just think she's had a series of disappointments. She wants to see if you're only vaguely interested, or seriously interested. If you're going to run, she'd rather see you do it sooner than later.

You need to see the full reality of what dating her is about. Her kids mean everything to her. If you're only interested in hit and run, or you're spooked; now is your chance to politely bow out. I think she'd rather get it over with.

Some single-mothers cut to the chase; and don't have time to mess around with flaky dudes.

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A female reader, Caring Aunty A Australia +, writes (13 September 2017):

Caring Aunty A agony auntWhat say the children in this matter, rather than her EX? Do they understand that grownups date? I’m sure they know where it leads to... First there’s the introduction, then there’s you sleeping over and the kids waking up to a new man in mom’s bed, then you move in together and perhaps have a child together later etc. Plus has there been sufficient time for her children to accept and really adjust to the fact their mom and dad are not getting back together to live happily ever after?

I say she's acting way too fast on the basis of being infatuated with you, rather than stepping back a little to allow a loving secure relationship develop. A parent or not would have instincts to protect their children from anymore confusion. Even with the best of adjusted children there is going to be upset... yet she's contemplating happy families with you after 5 weeks!?

Something is WRONG here as it’s all a rush; she’s out of touch with her responsibilities and perhaps has no experience in this area? Besides who wants to be introduced when this all could fizzle out by next week for some unknown reason or in 20 weeks time?

Since she’s eager to introduce you, has she bothered to discuss the important issue of your input and role in this family picture of hers? Or is she planning to wing it, that it’ll fall into place, like you just come along for the ride? Because let’s look at the BIG picture as to what’s really happening here. How do you see your role as a Step-Dad?

Personally it's not rejecting her to say; “hey we need to slow it down given its early days and I’d like to get to know you more by having one on one time.” Maybe you’re the one who needs to point out the realities?

Take Care Take It Slow – CAA

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2017):

It's much too soon. Do a little research online about recommended ways to do such a move. I guarantee there's plenty against meeting so quickly. If she gets upset at research backed info, it's a red flag.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 September 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI think you are being smart in not meeting the kids yet. I think it's RUSHING it if you do it now.

It's only been 5 weeks!

I would tell her that you appreciate that she talked to the ex-partner about you but that you feel it's too soon. Not just for you but for the kids.

Kids need STABILITY. You two don't know if you will last. You can both HOPE you are a good match long term.

I think it's IRRESPONSIBLE to presume you will all be a happy instantaneous family this soon. It takes time.

I found this article, maybe it will give you some pointers?

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