A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm going to be brutally honest - I'm struggling with mum life, in fact life I'm general! Back story - I never wanted kids, nor did I particularly warm to them (I'm more of an animal person than a people person!). When my husband and I married the idea of a family grew on me, but still it wouldn't have devastated me if it didn't happen. It did happen - much to our surprise (I have PCOS).Fast forward 2 years, we have a beautiful healthy vibrant little girl who makes us laugh every day. I love her so much - I can't stress that enough!The trouble is I find the mum role absolutely soul destroying. I work 3 days a week and have a day where we put her in nursery whilst I'm off so that I can get all the washing and cleaning done (and a couple of hours to myself!). I also have a very hands on hubby who baths her every night whilst I cook dinner and who takes turns with nappies etc on the weekend. So I have plenty of support and more time to myself than most so thats not the issue. The issue is me - I find my 2 days a week with her utterly mind numbing. Going to the park, softplay, toys, reading etc - I do these things and make an effort to take her out daily but the entire time I feel like I'm gritting my teeth counting down until her bed time. I don't deal with the tantrums very well, many times I've had to just put her in her cot and walk away then cry myself. I keep thinking there must be more to life than this?! It doesn't help that I have the attention span of a gnat, I just can't enjoy mum life. Note, I was diagnosed with post natal depression and I am on antidepressants already. How do I snap out of this? Does it get easier?? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2023): I can relate. My wife wanted a child and i didn't because I knew how life changes after a baby. We are in our 40's and we don't have the strength and patience as when we were younger. I warned her many times up to the point that she would be the main care giver and I would be only helping her financially only.
Nevertheless she agreed and now she is going through the same situation as the OP.
It's extremely hard but it's only temporary. Children grow up. Please find someone to help you with your child and have some time for your self. Your mental health is at jeopardy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2023): "Going to the park, softplay, toys, reading etc"
Playing with a 2-year old while remaining an adult I'm Ok with that.
I wouldn't be overly fond of playing with a 2-year old as though I'm filling in as a 2-year old play-pal either.
As for talking to your doctor... that's advice to be taken with a pinch of salt, a.k.a Big Pharma, especially the Genius U.S Big Pharma, can go do something to itself!
"You weren’t particularly fond of kids before and didn’t plan this - but this is your life now, and it was clearly meant for you."
I strongly believe the key to your raison-d'être lies in here: What is being called on here is your ability to outgrow what you thought your life should have been like.
You have lost touch with the part of you, that anchor, which knows: 5 years ago I was not guaranteed what "this is my life now" would mean in July 2023 but what I do know is that who I am is equipped with what it takes to make every second of that life as it is now count.
P.S: Did I mention that U.S Big Pharma and its 5000% price hikes can go do something to itself?...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (31 July 2023):
 " 'mum talk' tedious"
Absolutely! I took my oldest to a tumble and playgroup and my daughter loved it, I didn't lol the "small talk" was hard but it was good for both of us. For her because she got to socialize and me because I was "forced" to socialize.
I think a lot of new moms forget how to socialize for the first 1-3 years lol. Everything is about the baby. But that is perhaps Nature's way of making sure mothers take care of the baby.?
You might have to "fake it until you make it". I too wasn't loving the baby phase, but my own mom told me to build a schedule and stick to it and before I knew it, me and baby got used to it.
Remember this too shall pass.
Yes, it's a bit boring. Yes, you can't do what you used to do whenever you want to. Life changes a LOT after having kids.
This little one in your home is a unique little new human, who is still helpless and depending on you. Put away the resentment when it shows up. It's TOTALLY OK to not be OVERJOYED with Motherhood ALL the time. However, also acknowledge that this tiny new human needs YOU more than anyone. You are her WHOLE world.
Find a gym where you can bring the baby (if there is one near you) Go work out.
Find a baby swimming class - they are actually fun. I did that with all 3 of mine.
Have a night out with friends at least every other week. It might be to go see a movie, out to eat, go shopping or just hang out and chat about EVERYTHING except the baby.
Have a date night - I'd say once a month if possible. Whatever works for you. Just to go out with your husband and eat.
My oldest had colic until she hit 19 months. So for 19 months... the longest sleep I got was 3-4 hours in a stretch. I was a mess. And then once it stopped and she slept through the night I was up constantly checking on her for the first 2 months lol. She is now 23 :)
When the weather is nice, GO outside with her. Park, playground, backyard, beach, where ever. It will also benefit you both. That sun is a great mood booster!
"I try so hard to engage with her and come up with things to do, eg baking, home made play dough, days out etc and try so hard to make her happy but inside I'm bored"
That is quite frankly awesome. And yeah, it can be boring. Having a kid is a gift, it really is, but it's also a heavy responsibility. Some women are just VERY maternal, and some of us struggle and make the best of it. It's OK.
There is no magic fix for this (unfortunately) but you CAN do this. It's OK that your life is a bit boring for a season or two in life.
Get a routine going that isn't too hectic or boring (for both of you) and stick to it. And chin up, journal if you need to - to let it all out, and... make it work. You are not really missing out on a lot of stuff in life.
I have 3 daughters and a bonus daughter (she is my youngest best friend who has a horrible home life so she basically lives with us) and I can't tell you how grateful I am for my kids. Were they boring and annoying at times when little? Absolutely! But It's amazing to see the people they are growing up to be. I love spending time with them. We share the same sense of humor, we like a lot of the same things, and we share things that we like even if they don't like them.
Love her the best you can. And love yourself too.
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A
female
reader, lulu31 +, writes (29 July 2023):
 Hello lovely,
First of all, I’m so sorry that you are struggling. Sending you all the love in the world.
I can completely empathise with you. I was in the same boat, also had PCOS and wasn’t fussed either way if I did or didn’t have kids.
I think a lot of mums feel guilty because they don’t feel this overwhelming sense of gratitude or feeling blessed for having their little one - but that is OK and it’s completely normal. Please take the time to validate your own feelings and know that you are not alone.
You weren’t particularly fond of kids before and didn’t plan this - but this is your life now, and it was clearly meant for you. ?? I would suggest making sure that in the times you have for yourself, do things that fill your cup back up. My therapist would always say treat yourself like an engine. Some tasks drain your energy - so take control of doing little things (get a coffee, listen to your favourite podcast, call a friend) to fill up that engine and feel like you again and reconnected with your identity outside of being a mum.
In terms of loving the quality time with your little one - I do know a couple of people who have said the same. They just don’t find play time rewarding at all. It might feel mundane, but it will mean everything to your baby. So give yourself some credit for doing it!
as the person said above, definitely speak to a therapist about this if you can. Even some friends who can send you some love too.
Things will get better. Perhaps also try and plan a couple of things to look forward to. That always breaks me out of the mindset of ‘is this all life is?!’ - get a sitter and book a date night or hotel / trip away. Do something to make your heart happy.
You will get through this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2023): I was around your age when I became a new mom too and this post could have been largely written by me. You're in the difficult phase now but it WILL get better...so much better! Once she's a little more independent and starts to understand, it'll get easier but then your challenges will be different. I feel that like me, you'll enjoy it a lot more when she starts going to school and you can get to help her with her studies and bond with her on a more intellectual level.
I hated kids, not going to lie. I didn't think I'd get pregnant but boy was it a surprise. It wasn't easy, neither the pregnancy nor raising the baby. My daughter was a difficult child, always crying, breastfeeding, very demanding. She is now the most gifted 6 year old, doing so well in school and growing into a lovely young lady. I love every moment of it with her now!
I'm going to tell you the three words that no one likes hearing but which will hold you in good stead. Hang in there.
It gets better. Believe me. Just give it a little more time
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A
female
reader, lulu31 +, writes (28 July 2023):
Hello lovely,
First of all, I’m so sorry that you are struggling. Sending you all the love in the world.
I can completely empathise with you. I was in the same boat, also had PCOS and wasn’t fussed either way if I did or didn’t have kids.
I think a lot of mums feel guilty because they don’t feel this overwhelming sense of gratitude or feeling blessed for having their little one - but that is OK and it’s completely normal. Please take the time to validate your own feelings and know that you are not alone.
You weren’t particularly fond of kids before and didn’t plan this - but this is your life now, and it was clearly meant for you. ?? I would suggest making sure that in the times you have for yourself, do things that fill your cup back up. My therapist would always say treat yourself like an engine. Some tasks drain your energy - so take control of doing little things (get a coffee, listen to your favourite podcast, call a friend) to fill up that engine and feel like you again and reconnected with your identity outside of being a mum.
In terms of loving the quality time with your little one - I do know a couple of people who have said the same. They just don’t find play time rewarding at all. It might feel mundane, but it will mean everything to your baby. So give yourself some credit for doing it!
as the person said above, definitely speak to a therapist about this if you can. Even some friends who can send you some love too.
Things will get better. Perhaps also try and plan a couple of things to look forward to. That always breaks me out of the mindset of ‘is this all life is?!’ - get a sitter and book a date night or hotel / trip away. Do something to make your heart happy.
You will get through this.
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A
female
reader, lulu31 +, writes (28 July 2023):
Hello lovely,
First of all, I’m so sorry that you are struggling. Sending you all the love in the world.
I can completely empathise with you. I was in the same boat, also had PCOS and wasn’t fussed either way if I did or didn’t have kids.
I think a lot of mums feel guilty because they don’t feel this overwhelming sense of gratitude or feeling blessed for having their little one - but that is OK and it’s completely normal. Please take the time to validate your own feelings and know that you are not alone.
You weren’t particularly fond of kids before and didn’t plan this - but this is your life now, and it was clearly meant for you. ?? I would suggest making sure that in the times you have for yourself, do things that fill your cup back up. My therapist would always say treat yourself like an engine. Some tasks drain your energy - so take control of doing little things (get a coffee, listen to your favourite podcast, call a friend) to fill up that engine and feel like you again and reconnected with your identity outside of being a mum.
In terms of loving the quality time with your little one - I do know a couple of people who have said the same. They just don’t find play time rewarding at all. It might feel mundane, but it will mean everything to your baby. So give yourself some credit for doing it!
as the person said above, definitely speak to a therapist about this if you can. Even some friends who can send you some love too.
Things will get better. Perhaps also try and plan a couple of things to look forward to. That always breaks me out of the mindset of ‘is this all life is?!’ - get a sitter and book a date night or hotel / trip away. Do something to make your heart happy.
You will get through this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2023): Original poster here, replying to Honeypie.
I don't think the depression is the issue to be honest, it was in the beginning when it was severe and I was almost suicidal. I used to take her to baby groups daily whilst on maternity, I enjoyed that time with her but found the 'mum talk' tedious. I hate small talk at the best of times but talking about nappy changes and feeding times with a fake smile plastered on my face just wasn't for me.
I think another problem for me is how full on it is. I get overwhelmed by the constant noise, being climbed on, screamed at, constantly being needed. I try so hard to engage with her and come up with things to do, eg baking, home made play dough, days out etc and try so hard to make her happy but inside I'm bored and if I'm honest slightly resentful of the social life I've lost (no other family to help).
I feel that when she is a little older I will enjoy it more as there are more things that we can take her to that she will take in. I love her so much I don't want her to sense any of this
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 July 2023):
"Note, I was diagnosed with post natal depression and I am on antidepressants already."
Talk to your doctor, it might be you need to up your dose.
Also, being a new mom can be such a big shift from your life before kiddo and it takes time to adapt to it.
Also, perhaps you need to talk to your doctor about finding a counselor. And perhaps if you can find a new mom's group to interact with WITH your kiddo around other women who might or might NOT struggle like you but can perhaps inspire you. Or maybe some new mom classes to learn how to cope with stress.
Do you have any family that can give you some extra breaks? Can you afford a sitter?
Have you talked to your husband about how you feel?
Your tiny little kiddo will ABSORB this - not understand it so you need to figure out how to make this work.
"many times I've had to just put her in her cot and walk away then cry myself."
That is SO much better than yelling at her to stop, or crying in front of her or whatnot, just don't leave her for long.
She isn't throwing a tantrum because you did something wrong. Or because you are a "bad mom".
Tantrums at age 2 are normal. They aren't fun for ANYONE but a part of their development. Kids get cranky. Teeth, dirty nappy, food, tired, bored. You name it!
You can do this.
The last piece of advice, they GROW so quickly. All of a sudden she will be ready for school!
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