A
female
age
30-35,
*ekijade
writes:I met this guy when I was walking home from university the other night, we talked and I ended up getting his number.Last night he came over to my place to "hang out" and he all but told me he loved me! We did kiss, and he seemed to want more as I had to keep telling him to back off.I'm afraid to even talk to him any more because it only seems to encourage him.Is there anything I can do to resolve this delicately? I don't want to hurt him unless I have to, but there is no way that I can carry on at this rate. I did try to say this to him, but he either didn't hear me, or didn't want to. Please help me!
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female
reader, chloebabeechick  +, writes (6 December 2010):
 I don't want to blame you, but essentially you invited a stranger into your home. Let someone meet you in a public place like a restaurant or coffeehouse so if you decide they're strange you can hightail it out of there completely non-awkwardly. And it's possible because you did invite him directly into your home that he assumed he could get it in (pardon the frank language). Just break off all contact with him. You don't owe him an explanation. Just be more careful of who you let into your home next time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): @OP good call, and yes inviting a guy to your place who you've just met is never a good idea. We don't give random girls our numbers to be friends just like we don't get random girls numbers with the intention of being friends. Especially college guys.
@Tisha I'd love it if girls were firm and consistent in what they want. I'd love it if they said no and meant it every time it would make life a lot easier for single guys and for them too. Because as you well know being too diplomatic about things worrying about someones feelings can also lead guys on. "I'm not really interested in him but I don't want to hurt him either" type situations. I guess everyone's interpretation of these things is just so different you have adapt to every situation.
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (6 December 2010):
 Agreed, this guy sounds like a boor. Good word for it. I sincerely doubt he would rape her, since he didn't this time, but it would still be wise in the future to have a few dates outside of the house before inviting a guy over.
With that said, in general, a lot of girls really do say "No" when they mean "I want to, but I want more foreplay first." It's not really a number so much as a tone of voice, and body language. I agree, that's hard for a lot of girls, but they have a duty to themselves to make their feelings clear. The OP obviously wasn't doing that, but the guy may have made an understandable mistake - being invited over by a girl who barely knows him would seem to be a possible indicator she just wants a fling.
I can't find the survey I've seen where some high percentage of women admit to saying "No" when they don't mean it (if memory serves, somewhere around 40% of those surveyed admitted to having done that), but I can say from personal experience that a few years back I stopped the first time she said no, then the very next day the girl asked me why I didn't keep trying. We didn't go out again, she just wasn't into me anymore. I think she was a perfectly normal girl, so it's probably not just her unique issue.
On the other thand, I take "Stop" to mean "No, for real this time, hands off," and that seems to be a reliable indicator.
OP, glad to see you've drawn the right conclusions from this experience, and best of luck with your future dates.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 December 2010):
 Ah, just saw your followup! Thanks for checking in. He never asked you out, just a bunch of texts and you invited him over? Ah, my dear, that is not a promising start. A guy who is genuinely interested in you will make an effort to take you on a date, even just for coffee.
Definitely do NOT invite guys back to your place just yet. You are sending mixed messages if you do, and flirty text messages will have given him the wrong idea.
What you think is friendly might be thought by him to be invitations, okay?
Texting is a low-energy, low commitment way to get to know someone. I don't think it's a substitute for face-to-face time talking and getting to know each other. A guy who is interested in you will make the effort to get to know you better and it does NOT have to be back at your place, it can be just about anywhere. If he insists that it has to be in private, you can pretty well tell he's not thinking about your brain and sparkling personality.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 December 2010):
Cerberus, you've just brilliantly illustrated my point. A guy who is self-described as respectful will keep trying until he gets a firm "no." So what constitutes a firm "no" then, if "no" doesn't mean "no"? As you said, it depends on the guy and the girl, doesn't it? This girl thought she pretty clearly said "no" in a nice way. This guy took the nice "no" as a "keep trying." So she has to be much more direct, doesn't she? She HAS to stop considering preserving his feelings. She HAS to start putting her feelings first, and be CLEAR about it. It's time to stop worrying about HIS feelings, as this OP needs to learn.
OP, time for you to check in. [In case you were wondering, OP means "original poster," Bekijade.]
And with all due respect to respectful guys, this particular one sounds like a boor.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): "What I hear from this OP is that she is more concerned with hurting the guy's feelings than making hers plain. If she was firm and upfront about the "no" being a "NO" she wouldn't be here with this question."
I agree completely. Trying to spare a guys feelings can very often just seem as playing hard to get. We do need to be told in no uncertain terms that it's not on.
Because frankly even a good guy might keep trying if the "no" seems to indicate "try harder" Despite the title to this question no does not always mean no. Sometimes it means keep trying and if we're not told plain and simply then some guys won't stop trying.
"A respectful guy would have stopped at what, the second "no"? The third "no"? What's the number?"
I suppose that depends on the guy, the girl and the situation. Is she just reluctant but wants to? Is she just nervous and wants more convincing, is she saying no because she means it's definitely not going to happen? I suppose it all depends on how we're told, a firm and definitive no is all it takes, a delicate no doesn't work for a lot of guys plus I know lots of girls that will not want to do anything but if they're pestered enough by a guy they will eventually give in just so he'll stop pestering them.
One such friend was telling me about this the other day, she spent a night in a guys house and he kept trying and trying and no matter how many "no's" she said he didn't listen. The thing is he wasn't even being forceful or anything he just kept talking about it over and over, kept pushing the issue and wouldn't let go, eventually she let him have sex with her just to shut him up.
I guess there are just no real concrete rules in all this only that you have to be firm, clear and uncompromising in your refusals of guys if you really don't want anything to happen. Or at least make it clear from the start just how far you're willing to go and not deviate from that.
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female
reader, Bekijade +, writes (6 December 2010):
Bekijade is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the replies guys, you've all been helpful. Just to clear something up, I asked him over as a friend after texting with him a while, I suppose that's just naïveté on my part. Also when I said kissed I didn't mean made out.
Anyway, I'm just going to have to sever ties and chalk one up on the experience board not to be repeated.
Thanks again for the advice.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (6 December 2010):
 I hate that yes veiled as a no. That's part of the reason why I make sure I tell women I'm getting intimate with that. Basically, "I don't want to do anything you're not comfortable with. I won't push you so please stop me if I start going too far. I promise you won't hurt my feelings."
Then again, I tend to take it slow, so this is rarely a problem for me.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 December 2010):
Cerberus, thanks for the respectful "disagree," and a chance to clarify a bit what I meant.
I would expect that a respectful guy would stop "trying it on", and I have no doubt that you have stopped at a firm "no."
Our OP said these things: "I had to keep telling him to back off" and "there is no way that I can carry on at this rate. I did try to say this to him, but he either didn't hear me, or didn't want to."
A respectful guy would have stopped at what, the second "no"? The third "no"? What's the number?
What I hear from this OP is that she is more concerned with hurting the guy's feelings than making hers plain. If she was firm and upfront about the "no" being a "NO" she wouldn't be here with this question.
So what I am trying to do is to get her to stop with the feminine desire to be agreeable all the time--which is how she wound up in her own apartment with a guy she doesn't know very well--and to not worry about "hurting his feelings". The guy kept on going after she said "no" and isn't backing off. Either she's not making herself plain or he's an arsehole. It could be a little of both.
Years ago, I too would wind up in situations where I was trying to preserve the guy's "feelings" to the detriment of my own personal safety. There are guys out there who WILL take advantage of you if you allow it. It is better to learn this lesson now before she winds up hurt, as Nime's post so pertinently points out.
Girls, it is OKAY to say NO and mean it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): I really suggest that you just cut absolutely ALL ties with him. No friendship or anything. This is dangerous! I could really just weep for the girls who end up in situations where they didn't act sooner and ended up getting raped. Please don't end up like that. He could care less about you and your feelings. Don't allow yourself to be pressured.
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female
reader, Nime +, writes (6 December 2010):
 It doesn't sound like you told him firmly NO, it sounds like you did the female thing of trying to let him down gently, as you still seem to be trying to do. Guys who are persistent will think this means they should keep trying until you say yes. You said yourself you are now afraid to talk to him, meaning you've ignored your own instincts, at your own peril, and let this carry on too far already. This isn't about being nice, it's about getting him to stop. Tell him NO.
For your own safety, you should NEVER try to let any unwanted person who is trying to move into your personal space down gently, especially if your instincts are telling you something is off. If you mean no, say NO! If a guy tries to kiss you and you don't want him to: SAY NO. If a stranger offers to help you carry that heavy box to your apartment: SAY NO. A man (or woman) who has malicious intent towards you will often test your ability to say no first to see if you are easy prey. Learning to say no and trust your instincts is one of the best ways to avoid harm by individuals who would like to prey on your kindness.
Take the box example. This is a true story, and one example of many. A woman who was carrying a heavy box up to her apartment on the 9th floor was stopped by a man who seemed to appear out of nowhere on one of the landings to ask if he could bring it up for her. The woman instinctively felt something was wrong, quickly dismissed the feeling, but tried to politely decline his offer anyway: "I'm fine, really." But she didn't say NO, so the man knew he could wear her down by exploiting her politeness. He insisted further, until the second or third time he asked, she agreed. He took the box, she opened the apartment door for him, he locked it, beat her and raped her. Later on in the woman's police report she said as the man had been raping her, she'd realized why she had felt something was wrong to begin with: the man had seemed to appear out of nowhere on the stairwell (a fact she'd lightly dismissed) because he'd been hiding and waiting for her!
I'm not saying you're going to be raped or that this story in any way applies to you. The woman here did not know her assailant, but then again, approximately 73% of women who are raped already know the rapist in some way. My point with the story is to impress upon you the importance of both saying NO and trusting your instincts. Not saying NO from the get-go makes you an easier target for rape, assault and stalking.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): "A guy who doesn't care about your boundaries has a problem and I hate to say this but his feelings don't really matter." Not to disagree with what you're saying Tisha because I consider myself one of the respectful guys. But a guy making moves is pretty normal when you invite him back to your place to "hang out" as OP put it, on the first date.
90% of us will try it on after making out and most of us will try until told a firm no because honestly I've been on dates with girls who stopped me the first time so I didn't try again and they didn't want to see me again after that because they felt I didn't like them enough to keep trying. Seriously once we're in that door alone and intimate with a girl then most guys will see that as an open door to try it on, especially if this all happens on the first date. Of course we should always respect a girls wishes, but it can be impossible to know whether she wants us to keep trying or not on the first/second brush off. Whether we have to slow our build up and try again later or what.
No offence OP but to him it probably seems like you're just playing hard to get. It can be hard to tell for us guys because lots of girls do it and when a girl is playing hard to get you have to play along, so perhaps that's just what he's doing. Especially seeing as you're doing this "delicately" OP we guys are pretty straight forward, don't be afraid to straight up tell him what's up, don't beat around the bush because frankly it just looks like you want him to try harder because you seem to be playing hard to get.
You have to make it perfectly clear to him.
If you want a piece of advice for future guys, take them somewhere public first where you can talk and get to know them. All of this hassle would have easily been averted if you went on a proper date with him instead of taking him home to "hang out" and make out. Because you would have gotten to know a bit about him first and decided from that whether it would have been worth going any further.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): I think you just have to give it to him straight. Sadly he sounds a bit strange, says he loves you when he doesn't know you at all. All worrying signs. So swiftly tell him you can't see him again. Even if you have to tell him you have a boyfriend (at home as you are at uni) - if it gets you off the hook. But you sound concerned and not comfortable and so it is best to act now.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 December 2010):
Okay, time to clue you in on something. A guy who doesn't care about your boundaries has a problem and I hate to say this but his feelings don't really matter. What I mean by that is that he's made a choice to ignore your discomfort and is pressing on you for sex. This is not the sign of a polite, well-brought up guy. This is the sign of an insensitive, selfish boor. So his feelings aren't going to get 'hurt' no matter what he might tell you.
"John, this isn't working for me. Thanks but no thanks. Good luck with your life. Bye!"
You do NOT owe him explanations or time to negotiate or discuss. You've made a decision, end of story, buh-bye. Okay? He can go bother some one else.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, INCREDIBLEME01 +, writes (6 December 2010):
 I say get away from him as fast as you can. His persitance when you said to back off the first time tells you he doesn't like or respect being told NO. I would just avoid him altogether, no explanations. Do tell a friend in case so they know who this creep is in case he tries to do something stupid. Stay on your toes.
Also, get to know someone more before you let them come to your 'safe haven" which would be your home.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (6 December 2010):
There is no delicate way to say this. It sounds like when you tried the delicate approach it didn't work out so well.
Honestly, I wouldn't waste anymore time with him. He's shown what he's after and this will be a constant battle for you. Is that want you really want?
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