A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm 25 years old and I've never been in a long term or serious relationship. I'm happy with myself and with my life, I have great friends, a job I love and a fab family and on the whole I am very content with being single but I feel like I'm at a stage where I am ready to meet someone and to at least experience a proper relationship.It certainly isn't through lack of trying, I have been on countless dates (mostly through dating apps) but I rarely make it past the 2nd or 3rd date. The seldom times I do establish something slightly more steady, it always, without fail fizzles out at around the 3/4 month mark. I just can't seem to move things forward into anything more serious or long term. I have always enjoyed dating but it now feels more like a chore and it's so frustrating each time I get rejected, it's really starting to get me down. What am I doing wrong? Am I trying too hard? Am I being too picky? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2020): Although you can plan and prepare for life; life itself doesn't happen according to timelines, schedules, and deadlines. You can set goals, and try to meet those goals; hopefully, within a reasonable and expeditious time-frame. The reality is, love ain't happening until it's happening!
You can set all the schedules you like. Career in full-swing by 25; meet the right-guy, and be married by 27. Have 1.5 kids by-time you're 32! Life happens, but it isn't punctual. Destiny likes to set it's own time-frames for life-events to occur; and sometimes you may not be as ready as you think for those events to happen at that particular phase in your life. Just stay on-course, and try to navigate through life as smoothly as you can. Getting ahead of yourself is where people end-up ruining their lives, or someone else's.
You are blessed, and have a great life. Don't you worry, love will definitely find you; but way too often people want things immediately. If it doesn't happen when they think it should; you'll make the mistake of rushing into relationships; and thereby, overlooking red-flags, warnings, and deal-breakers!
It's what keeps us uncles and aunts here at DC busy; but if people realized you can't hurry love (an old song sung by the lady-group, The Supremes); all you'd hear on this site is crickets! We don't get paid! It's voluntary!
We're in an age where marriage is not at the top of everyone's to-do list! There are hundreds of dating sites on the internet; which affords everyone a huge pool of candidates! Seems everyone is focused on a good-time, good-looks, showing-off, and trying to get as much casual-sex as they can; before deciding when it's time to settle-down. The "kid in a candy shop" effect keeps many people from taking the time to really connect with someone they've met; who just might be a great match! Before they get a hit from someone better-looking, or might seem more interesting. The greedy-ones spread themselves thin by trying to date two, three, or four people all at once. They're on about eight sites at the same-time!
Everybody has their own perception of their dream-date, their Mr/Ms Right; with their own set-criteria of what that entails. Some stick strictly to their "type;" and others are just out there sampling Lottie, Dottie and everybody! They can't seem to make up their minds what they want! They have no clue what they're doing! Meanwhile, they're overlooking their best opportunities; because they let their fantasies and imaginations get the better of them. Throw-in some conceit, ab-pics, and ego...and here we go!
Remove the time-limits for when you're supposed to find a long-term relationship; and just keep dating. Stay visible, sociable, and available. Choose your hangouts wisely, and don't turn-down blind-dates. If people try to set you up; take a chance. It's no different than online-dating; accept you may not know what he looks like until you meet him. What guarantee do you have that the pics you see online is the real-guy? People hack sites and steal pics all day long!
Being picky isn't a bad-thing; unless you really don't have anything on the ball. Get it right, and you don't have to make up for all the lost and wasted-time after you've mistakenly rushed, and hooked-up with a loser!!!
The last few online-connections only lasted 3-months? About average for most people! Good! That's long enough to expose yourself to a variety of male personality-types; without having time enough to get so emotionally-attached you'll become forlorn and bewildered once your brief love-connection has runs its course. You can get-over them in a reasonable period of time. That's what you should be in a hurry to do! Move on! Then reacquaint yourself with your independence; while reconnecting with your friends, and networking with your support-systems. Life goes-on as usual.
You will become desperate if you psyche yourself into believing you have to hurry and find yourself a long-term relationship...or else!
Your post is better than those who come here with an epic novel about their regrets and mistakes; or a sad-story of a broken-heart. I was one of them. I quickly recovered too! I have a great family and friends also!
You haven't done anything wrong. They just weren't the right-guys. It was best they leave out of self-elimination; rather than having to go through drama and hell to get them out of your life! The heavenly angels are protecting you; because the right-guy is making his way to you, but this event might happen unexpectedly. Love chooses when and how it wants to happen; and it may not happen with someone you've conjured-up in your imagination as the perfect-match. He might not be anything like your imaginary dream-guy. That's what happened to me! People get caught-up looking at all the online eye-candy; only to find-out there's nothing more about them than what the eye can see. Open both your mind and your heart; and try not to be fooled. Keep your feelings on reserve, as you observe and evaluate. Generally, guys drag their feet; while women seem to think too far into the future. You have to meet halfway, and stay on the same-page! If he keeps dragging his feet, or sending mixed-signals; don't mess-around...dump him! He may only want sex, and his impatience about getting physical is a dead-giveaway! Once he gets it, suddenly he seems totally uninterested. You'll hit dozens out-there like that! All the charm was phony!
Just continue dating, and enjoying life until he arrives. Don't build your hopes on every guy you have a few good laughs and chats with; and start fantasizing about weddings and honeymoons! Just get to know him, take your time; otherwise, he will see desperation written allover you. Try not to seem too antsy or hurried. Nothing activates a guy's fight or flight response more than a clingy, needy, or anxious date! If he also knows you deserve better; he'll do right by you (those angels at work) and just move on. I got dumped, and came here to DC to vent through writing. Found the greatest guy ever, and I wasn't even looking at the time. Lets say we found each-other! It just happened out of nowhere!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (26 August 2020):
 Hi OP,
When you are on these dating apps, and go on dates do YOU pick the guy, or is the first contact always from them?
If it is, maybe YOU need to be the one looking and picking out some YOU would like to date, and try not to purely base it on looks. I know online dating profiles are superficial so it can be a little trickier with apps that are even shorter and really focused on LOOKS. To have a successful long term relationship it need to be with someone who is a good fit, someone who you mesh with, share common interest with, perhaps even share some goals and dreams with. Let's say you like hiking, camping and the outdoors A LOT, dating someone who doesn't fancy ANY of that would make it hard to share a big part of you with, get my point?
So it's not that a guy SHOULD share ALL your interest but it's a good start to find someone who enjoys some of the same things.
A guy who has a good relationship with his parents, who treats his mother right, will also know how to treat you well. And a guy who isn't busy following a bazillion scantily clad Instagram "models", but instead has a "healthy" social media presence. Why do I mention this? Because in this dat and age, that IS a gold mine for seeing what kind of person you meet or at least the façade they want to show.
Keep enjoying life and work towards your OWN goals for now.. And maybe try something less "swipe right" for finding a partner. Loads of people on dating apps are not really looking to date seriously.
Are you trying too hard?, probably not. Are you too picky? Again, probably not.
One thing I would suggest is to TRY not to presume it will turn into a lasting relationship the first few months, which in turn would mean keep sex (if possible ) out of it. See how well, you GET ON before jumping into bed.
Also try meeting people in other ways than just dating app/sites. Through friends, through hobbies and interests.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (26 August 2020):
 I don't think that you are doing anything wrong, you simply just have not met the right one yet. Sometimes we have to try on lots of pairs of shoes before we find the perfect fit.
You have got lots going for you, your happy with yourself, with your life, have great friends, and a job you love, and a loving family, this is all positive stuff.
I would not be in to much of a rush to meet someone, be content with where you are right now, and keep embracing life and enjoying it.
I'm a great believer that we meet our potential partners when we least expect it. You are giving out positive vibrations, and we tend to attract in to our lives people on the same vibrational frequency as us. The people you went on a few dates with were just not on the same frequency as you, so don't take it personally.
Keep doing what your doing, keep working on yourself and being happy every day. Sooner or later your perfect partner will turn up and you will be happy that those early dates you went on never worked out.
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