A
male
age
41-50,
*ukas
writes:My wifes sex drive is nearly extinct, I don't know what to do, 9 times out of 10 she states she doesn't want sex when I try to start intimacy, or she has some other excuse. My wife (common law)is a very sexual person, in the first 3 years of us being together we had sex at least 5 times per week and things were great, now I don't expect this now, or necessarily want or need our relationship to be like this anymore, but what happened I ask ?... We only have sex maybe 3 times per month, it really doesn't get beyond that, it is driving me crazy !I feel massively degraded as a man , I am so tired of always being pushed away! I have tried romance , I tell her I love her every chance I can, (and I do massively)She is absolutely beautiful and she captivates me, I even tried not to "want" sex to see if she would start something, never happened ! we have 2 children, I financially support the household while she is doing her schooling through correspondence, this was a mutual decision. I recently started my own business and I think that stress is lower than ever, financially anyway. We have been together for over 7 years now, my oldest child is 7 and my youngest almost 2. My wife has been off work for almost 3 years, she got sick early in pregnancy, left work by Dr's orders, went on Mat leave after that, and is now going through her schooling.I pay for her hair to get done when needed, her nails done almost every 2 weeks, all her clothing needed or not, She goes out partying with her girlfriends once a week, and I fit the bill for that, I like her to be able to do this, as I really don't get to do much myself and I know it sucks to not be able to do these things. I hope I have given enough info for someone to help me, I could go on and on, I just don't want to bore you ha ha ha ! I really don't know where to go for help anymore !
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): It's amazing how often this problem seems to occur. My wife is the same, less and less sex and intimacy. In fact she doesn't even want to be intimate, by which I mean just being on the sofa together, cuddled in bed together, whatever, non-sexual intimacy if you like, because she says it might lead to sex. Sex when it happens, which is never more than once a week, is brief and passionless. It's been going on for years and I got really depressed, put on weight (which probably did not help) and just....grim. Then one day I said to myself, "Okay, the meter's running and you only get one life." So I lost the weight, got involved in new projects and shook my depression. I told her exactly how I feel and that I am prepared to meet her half way and work at it. I promised both of us that I would give it time to see if she can work through the problems she obviously have; but I have to say that this is not an endless piece of string; I have put up with years of misery and loneliness already, and the relationship has six months, after which I'm out of here. I'm sorry to say this but I think many more men need to be strong and say to their wives that no it's not okay just to change the rules because it suits them; that you got married for much more than friendship and to pay the bills; that you are prepared to put all the effort she wants in. BUT that you are not going to put up with the situation indefinitely, she has to give too.
So lose the weight guys, go to the gym, shave every day, dress nicely, help her out, whatever it takes--but if there's simply no movement from your wife, call it a day and don't look back. Nobody wants to hurt someone they love, but you get one life and if the woman you love is making it miserable, tell her, and if she won't make the effort, leave.
And guys, whatever you do, never, ever have a vasectomy. Once she knows she's got the keys to the only kids you'll ever have, she knows she's got all the aces.
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (16 August 2009):
 As painful as this may be, I think your wife has lost interest in you as a sexual mate. I have experienced this first hand, and though it pains me to even type this out, it sounds all too familiar. I don't know exactly what happens to us, in our heads. We have great men who are loving and devoted to us. They are our best friends, and probably the best thing that ever happened to us. But somewhere along the way, we lose interest in having sex with them. Oh, we may still be there in the household everyday, cooking dinner, going through the motions of life, but sexually we have checked out. Something about the 'familiarlity' of living life together kills the sex drive in some women. I hate to admit it, but many of us lose interest when things become too normal. We have nothing to conquer. There is no ying-yang, it's all ying or it's all yang and that removes the challenge. I'm sure your wife is puzzled by what's happening as well, she's just not talking about it because she doesn't quite know what to do either. It's kind of like putting the toothpaste back into the tube. Maybe the best thing you can do for your marriage is develop your own hobbies, start going out with a few of your male friends and perhaps if she sees there is a threat of another woman moving into her territory you will suddenly look like a "Man" to her; a man that someone else might find attractive and want to steal. Sounds silly, but the sexual psyche is a strange beast. If you no longer seem predictable to her, it may revive some of the earlier challenge she had with you. Crazy, I know but there is a shred of truth when they say, women fall in love wtih men who treat them like shit and lose interest in the nice guys. It's the conquest -- the challenge of not knowing what he'll do next that keeps some of us interested. The fact that we can't control a guy that drives us wild. Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): That is a great article that Irish posted. It seems to cover all the bases. Medications can be a big one at any age. If she is taking or has ever taken a SSRI for depression then that is a common one to cause loss of libido. I have read stories on a health board where women have taken a SSRI for just a year and could not get their libido back even after stopping it. Hormone levels can also play a big part for a woman's libido, but not to the extent that it does in men. Testosterone is more important to us than it is for women. The most important thing is normally the psychological aspect. I know when my wife and I would have an argument in the past, even a small one, I would forget about it in 15 minutes, but she wouldn't be in the mood for sex for 4 or5 days. We both finally realized how it was affecting both of us and now it is rare to argue and if we do we generally make up with affection and sex that night. I try to be really good to her and she tries to be good to me.
Sometimes it is easy to recognize sexual dysfunction in women. It makes it much more difficult for them to orgasm. That is when it is often caused by a hormone imbalance. The main hormones for that are estradiol, progesterone and testosterone. Some doctors prescribe a low dose of testosterone for women if the other parts of the relationship seem good. If she has good orgasms, but just doesn't have a basic desire for sex then it is more likely psychological than physical, or tiredness or depression. If she doesn't have orgasms then it could either be hormones or what you are doing for her during sex. Foreplay and oral are a very important part for my wife and at least one other woman who I dated as far as them being able to orgasm. As at least one person said, have you talked to her about this? That is the most important thing to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009):
Try checking out this link...a great article:
http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/family/marriage-sex/women-sexual-desire-0307
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A
female
reader, InLoveWithTwo  +, writes (16 August 2009):
Have you tried to talk with her about this and tell her what you are feeling? I will admit that i had a similar sex drive as your wife in the beginning of my marriage and over the years it went down and for a while there it went away because i felt resentful and unattracted to my husband and his behaviors - not saying you are doing that, but it makes me worry that you are getting her hair done, and nails done and paying for everything for her to do these things and you are working yourself to sustain the family..you should also be finding time for yourself to do things too..maybe she is depressed, that was the other big thing in my life that i was very depressed and did not want sex either. I will admit that when you mentioned that you pay for her nails, hair, clothes, and partying...plus school...seems she has you where she wants you and made me concerned that she is most likely not too depressed...red flags are going up in my mind. Because I am in a sort of relationship with a man overseas and i started to lose weight, fix my hair, wear make-up, and did not want sex with my husband, inspite of not having sex with this overseas man..i felt i was cheating on overseas by having sex with my own husband. I might be way off, but these are just my own experiences and opinions and take them in any way you like, i hope it helps some.Best of luck with things and I am sorry you feel degraded as a man, no one should have to feel like that especially in your case, you sound like a good man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): Well every relationship is unique, and it's kind of a cliche the whole sex fading thing. But for me as a woman, I can tell you that I want to be intimate sexually when I am feeling intimate emotionally. Do you sit and talk with her about how she feels? Can you have an open discussion that you are interested in revving up your sex life is she interested in that too? Then maybe go to a bookstore or some seminars together to find ways you could do that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): I can only think of these things. She is very beautiful to you. Are you asking her at the right time, like in the evening, when the kids are not around, and when she doesn't have jobs to do. She may have priorities first. And is she trying to be so perfect for the family that this has become a burden on her to be in a family and secretly she is unhappy. Is she overworked? Also, have their been arguments. If you had time out together and went away, will she want to get back to her priorities and will you both argue. Two seperate issues. In other words, under it all, is she drained and tired. And ontop, have disagreements stopped the intimacy thing? Does she do everything to the fullest. Like a birthday party so carefully planned out with so much things to it. Like she's cared so much for every-one else, she's lost herself in it. Sorri, that's all I can think of
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): Lukas, she should be in her prime sexually. if there is now no medical condition affecting her emotions, sexually she should be jumping you at every opportunity. seems like she is taking, taking, taking from you but not giving any in return. sometimes you have to be harsh and direct . TELL her that you want sex and how often. tell her your sexual needs are not being met. she has all the energies to do everything else but pleasure you. she is neglecting her duties as a wife. no matter how beautiful and desirable she is, she is wasting it away. Alternatively - is she playing away?? investigate.Nowadays do not take anything for granted. I am married for almost 18 years. every now and then do a marriage check - doesn't work all the time. still struggling with communication issues but sexually, hubby knows i am in my prime. bascially, he knows i want it, and need it. so what does your wife need. the plastic card to indulge in.one sided investment - meaning only you are investing and she is using. so, be blunt. tell her to change or you go out and do something about it. you sound like a good guy, a family man even. so divorce her and any woman will snap you up. we don't have to sell you on e bay. you will be snapped up from your front door. your wife must be made aware of this.
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