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My wife's "best friend" is a man...

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Question - (7 September 2005) 24 Answers - (Newest, 30 May 2011)
A male , anonymous writes:

My wife of eighteen years has a male "best friend" at work that she just talks to. She says it is no different than my best friends but I don't have female best friends. I have asked or suggested that she invite him and his wife over for dinner but she won't do that. And she is very protective of him and when I try to say anything about it she says I am being too controlling. What should I do?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011):

I am married for 23 years have suspected on my wife but never really got anything as prove.Last year on December I was looking at the phone bill of my wife and what see a number she has called every day at least 6 -10 times somedays maybe 13- 18 times.I called this number with blocked number and a man answered ,but I did not talked to him I did hung up.I did find who was the man who she was talking confronted her but she said it was nothing just freinds who work together but no way she would admit any wrong doing.After I did find out he works another job near by my house and she use to go early in the morning on her way to work bring him coffee she did admit it after I have seen calls made early in the morning 6:15-6:30 am.Stil she does not admit having an affair.I don't know what to do I just pretend I believe her story but I am waiting to catch her with him.

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A female reader, nolongerafool United States +, writes (24 January 2011):

I grew up as there is no such thing as opposite sexes being just friends. Now, I see why. My ex and I were having twins, then our new boss, who was married and had an 11 yr old daughter decided she wanted my man. Well she started taking care of my twins and before I knew it I was pregnant again and she would never leave always wanted to help. I was mad by then. Well I decided if we moved out of state, then maybe our family would do better. I had no idea she was from az and we all moved including her spouse and kid. Well to make a long story short, she was bipolar, put me in jail under false charges, was busted naked with my man, tried to play mom to my babies, and now engaged to my ex. Well, he. Skyped himself to me for I wanted to see where he stood in life, and wanted him to cheat on her. He wants to be a family and thinks I focus on her instead of us when I told him the bbbbiiii...cccchhh is better of dead cause of what she done. He says she is his best friend and we won't get back together if she has to go for good for what she said wasn't true. What she said was she showed our then 2 yr old how to touch himself. Come to find out they are both screwed up in the head. He hasn't seen the kids going on 3 yrs but has been to our state 4 or 5 times and says he doesn't trust me, when I took off with the kids.

My answer is if you are not valued enough, loved enough, and put first, then leave. I do not believe there is a just friends with a man and woman, for someone will be attached no matter the time or space.

When a man and woman are married, there should be no opposite sex friends unless the other's spouse or g/f b/f is fully involved.

Heck, I would be suspicious of step siblings too for I know of some who got married.

Petting, kissing, and long hugs is cheating. There is no reason for two friends to be physical. I sure don't pet, and kiss my female best friend.

RUN RUN RUN

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A male reader, Ron K. United States +, writes (11 June 2008):

I was suspicious of my wife hanging out after work with her best friend who is a guy. I confronted her on this she explained it all away. See, he was getting over a suicide attempt and alcohol and drug dependences issues brought on by him catching his wife cheating on him. I came to this forum for advice, maybe a little comfort in my insecurities. Not more than an hour later I found a note in her note book that read: "I don't know what to do. I am in love with mike" and a pro/con list. For Him she had, in order: (heart symbol) 10 yrs, Hot, Sex, Physical. I'm in a real bad place now. Please, for the love of God, if you are suspicious, LOOK INTO THE MATTER.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008):

Well the way I see it, its ok for partners to have friends of the opposite sex. As long as that is what it is.

I suspect that what your saying isthe tip of a bigger issue.

For example do you trust her? Do you think she will cheat on you with this guy? Is this "Just friends"?

If the answer is no she wont cheat on you and yes its just frineds then I suspect the issue is with you.

I think that in a relationship, we all have to take a reesponsibility in help the other partner feel safe. Making sure they feel safe, helping them know there not going to get there heart tronden on, then not going to be stabbed in the back by someone who they are investing there trust and feelings with.

This can ony be acheived by being honest, considering other people feelings, understanding each other.

She say your being to controling. Well this seems like she is trying to make it about you. When you worried about something to do with you relationship. I think you need to be more assertive, this needs to be talked about. After all your married, What more important to you then your marrage.

Thanks

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008):

My wife has had a male best friend for several years. They are co-workers, so spend a lot of time together. He has been to our house frequently, and I like him, too. About six months ago I began working out of town a lot, sometimes as much as two or three weeks at a time. My wife's friend has used my tickets to take her to plays, and occasionally to movies. They pretend they're dating, and act accordingly.

Although my wife had greeted him and kissed him "bye" with kisses for years, their relationship has progressed over time to some degree of petting. My wife tells me all about their "dates," and I have moved past any jealousy to being thankful that she has someone to provide companionship when I can't. We call him a friend with seeing and touching privileges. Our own relationship and sexual life has never been better. I don't fear her leaving me for him, as she is simply having a good time. I suggest you stop taking yourself so serioiusly.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008):

Wow!! Well, my question to you is does she find this individual more interesting and/or stimulating intellectually? You know sometimes we females need someone who is also interested in our thoughts and ideas and perhaps this gentleman gives her good feedback. Stop worrying or you WILL push her away. Good luck.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2007):

My fiance and I had been seeing each other since last one year. Recently she joined a new job since last 2 months. Due to some past problems we had decided that neither of us would access one of her mail-ids. But once I found out that she had changed the password and one of her male colleagues was sending her poems and some forwards which she never revealed and infact denied it until i told her.

To my surprise, she threatened me of separation as I has I spyed on her. Till date she accuses me. I feel helpless as I love her a lot!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2007):

I am in a similar position as you mate and I do understand what you are feeling. They say love tolerates no rival and a best friend that is male can seem just that, after all there must be something special she sees in him. So there are a few options, you either trust you wife 100% that he is only a friend or you try to work out what exactly is going on . You can try to eliminate the problem completely by insisting that your wife keeps no male best friends - but this may cause problems in itself.

I think a good first step is for you to communicate your feelings to your wife, then perhaps you can both reach a compromise. Let her know how you feel and you should feel reassured by her and remember mistrust is an axe at the tree of love.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2007):

If you are married you should not have a friend of the opposite sex. Someone will get hurt and if you value your marriage why would they throw it away over a friend? More importantly your spouse should be your best friend if not then why are you married?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2007):

Well I just want you to know that you are not alone in this type of situation.I have been married for 3 and half years now.my husband has some female he calls his friends.It hurts me most b/c he treats them well more than me,he calls them sweety,honey but guess what he doesn't have a pet name for me and if this ladies ask him to do anything for them he does it very fast but if I ask him he will push mine aside.It hurts just on sundy one of the ladies came to our house for a visit and I was sleeping he didn't even bother to wake me he was busy entertaining the lady when I woke up and saw them I was shocked.they weren't doing anything when I saw them but it hurts my really bad.I just pray to God that one day things will be the way its supposed to be.Until then am just hanging in here all you have to do is pray one day she will change and always show her that yu love her

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2006):

I'm currently trying to help a couple at my work place right now as they're going thru this dilemma. A male friend (AA), whom I hired, at my workplace made friends with another male worker, who we'll call BB. Long story short - BB wound up introducing AA to his wife. Over time, BB's wife has fallen for my friend AA. I've gotten to know BB pretty well, and he's pretty innocent to the whole thing. BB & AA have become such good friends that AA is willing to walk away from any contact with BB's wife. Of course, this doesn't fix the problem with BB and his wife loving another man. Now BB just wants to end the relationship because he feels shame and immense hurt that his wife has not been honest with him. He also feels a little bit betrayed by AA. AA's reasoning is also logical. Since AA knows BB will overreact in jealousy, he has refrained from speaking to him about his feelings for his wife. Although AA does not feel as strongly as BB's wife does toward him, he still, in fact, has feelings for her.

This creates quite a situation when you've been friends with both of these people. I've told BB to write a letter of release to his wife, emancipating her from the marriage. Since BB has had enough guts to sit them both down, face to face, and ask directly if this is what they want; their response has been positive, although still emotionally debilitating for BB.

If AA wants to pursue BB's wife, BB does not want to stand in their way. At the same time, he'll have nothing to do with either of them if they choose to go in that direction. AA stands to loose more than BB as a best friend, he stands to loose his reputation, his job and his influence. At any rate, BB doesn't believe things will work out between AA and his wife because the entire relationship is built on "grass is greener" theology. There has been absolutely NO sexual infidelity at this point between AA and BB's wife.

I've told BB that the best thing for him to do emotionally, is continue to be more of a man, love his friend, love his wife, but remove himself as the instigator of the solution. After all, he didn't cause the problem to begin with. He now needs to decide if forgiveness is in the equation for his wife should she return to him with her tail between her legs.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2006):

OK. My Wife Is In the Navy And Will Be For The Next Five Years. She Herself Has A couple Of Best Friend That Are Guys 3 To Be Exact.We Have Been Married For 6 Months Now Im Only 19 People Say Thats Too Young. You just Don't Know How Much We Love Each Other. She Hangs Out With All These Guys All Day Long And At Work. I Have Some Trust Issues My Self. You Just Have To Trust. She Says Nothing Is Going On And I Belive Her She IS My Wife And You Should Trust Yours Too. Just Keep Pushing The Issue That You Want To Meet Him And Shit It Doesn't Matter IF it's Just To Come Over For A couple Of Beers. Push The Issue That You Want To Meet Him.If You Don't Trust Your Wife Than Try A litle Harder There is Nothing To Worry About!!!Once I Meet My Wife's Friends I Felt So Much Better.Just Try To Trust And Listen To What She Says.My Wife Is In Virginia And I'm In Oklahoma Right Now. She Still Hangs Out With Them And I Still Have A few Problems But Try And Work Through It.Just Trust Her you Don't Have Love Without Trust!!! Take This From My Own Advice. Just Remember You Don't Have Love Without Trust!!!

A Good Friend

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2006):

My wife still works with her ex boyfriend from 14 years ago. They broke up in 1989 but stayed very good friends and occasionaly had sex. When I met het in 1994 she was still in contact with him and for some reason brought him up in conversations a lot.

She even called me his name once. This is all more then 13 years ago but it is still bothering me a lot. We are married, have two kids and yet this is still on my mind. She still works there but she constantly reminds me she is there for the work and the good money and there is absolutely no feelings at all between them. She tells me that if she could change the past she would but she can't. How can I get this feeling out of my mind? It is driving me insane.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2006):

Hi there, I just thought I should say that I to am a female with a male "best friend". This has also caused major problems with my boyfriend whom I love alot. It is a very hard situation to be in but I do believe it is very possible for a female to have great male friends. In fact i prefer male to female company anyway so maybe tht is why.

Just keep this in mind when you deal with it, not all male friends are a threat. It would be nice though if you could meet him like you might her female friends.

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A male reader, Wild Thaing Canada +, writes (1 September 2006):

Wild Thaing agony auntHey Anon poster, your wife was hiding something. Hence the great sex out of guilt.

If you don't want a repeat of your wife's antics but next time with another man, then confront her with your information. I don't think a solid marriage is built upon who can outsmart whom, especially when the issue is about trust. And right now I would be questioning her trustworthiness.

It's only an opinion, but I think you and your wife have managed to avoid the prickly but necessary confrontation about trust.

Good luck and take care.

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A male reader, Cmorelle +, writes (1 September 2006):

my wife had a male friend at work too. I did not like it at all. she was very protective also and I began to become jealous. I knew the guy since I worked for the same company and one day I asked him what was going on between them. he told that they were friends. everthing was Ok until one day I decided to call his wife. They were such a good friends that my wife did not know that her male friend and his wife were separating because of my wife's friendship with him. When my wife confronted her male friend he told her that he was in love with her, and my wife ended the frienship. The guy was very persistent and he kept trying to get close to my wife until one day I called him and I told him to leave my wife alone or I was going to kill him. He asked me to forgive him ten times. To avoid future problems I asked my wife to quit the job and she did. My wife now does not want to have any male friends she thinks that her male friend betrayed her friendship. My wife concluded that her male friend had a diferent agenda and he was just waiting for the chance to get behind her pants.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2006):

Alright here's what I did! I did not let on that I was uncomfortable about this relationship. I did have a huge pool party and of course he did not come, but I got to know some of the other guys my wife worked with and found a best friend in one of them. I did not even let this guy in on my secret thoughts, but used him knowing that he would spill the dirt if something underhanded went on behind my back. Eventually this guy's name came up through conversation and I found that he liked basketball so I had three tickets and asked my friend to invite this guy to come along and he did not know who I was married to. We went out the three of us and he started spilling his guts about how he had a crush on my wife (though he did not know who he was talking to). I looked him square in the eye and told him he better not talk to my wife no GD more and then I let him run back and tell her instead of me and she came home and gave me great sex thinking I was mad. I wasn't mad, but I am glad I am sneakier than that dude. You got to do the opposite of what emotions tell you and think things out from end to end. The initial reaction sets the precedence.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2006):

Awesome!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2006):

My wife is an engineer for a large company and the only women in her department. Many of her friends are men... and thats okay! she always comes home to me and is happy to see me and share her coversations without feeling that she is getting the third degree or being threatened in any way. Is it possible that you are reading to much in to this. Has she been a faithful wife? Has she ever given you a valid rreason to misstrust her? What about you ? It is very comendable that you have chosen not to have women friends. Having said that it is your choice. Remember trust her unless she gives you reason not to. Or you may drive her right in to the arms of another.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2005):

I know exactly how you feel, My wife used to have male friends but I was not happy about it, she gave them up to keep me happy. I am not saying that she should have but I am glad she did! my reson for being unhappy aboutit was purely based on the fact that the only reason I would have a woman as a close friend would be because I was attracted to her, 'just friends' doesnt always work for both concerned:One will generally want more than friendship, in fact thats how I met my wife!!

At the end of the day,like any situation in a relationship, if it doesn't agree with both of you then out it should go.

I am very lucky that my wife loves me enough to forgo her male friends.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2005):

Thank You all for your replies, I will do some soul searching and see what happens. I do like meeting all my wife's friends some are quite entertaining. (yes she has met all of mine).

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A female reader, daniella +, writes (8 September 2005):

my mums best mastes a male it dont matter what sex her best freind is as long as shes with you. You dont sound like you turst her you have to trust her or your relationship wont work.

I can see where your coming from saying you want to meet him just cause she says no it dont mean shes cheating. good luck

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A reader, communicatrix +, writes (8 September 2005):

communicatrix agony auntWhile I agree with the previous advisor that often jealousy points to some lack of confidence that needs to be addressed, I also don't see your request as entirely unreasonable. While there are always aspects of ourselves we keep private in a relationship, including confidences shared with an intimate friend, I think it's fair for each partner to know whom one's beloved is conversing with and to be known, somehow, to them.

That said, I've no idea from your letter how you bring up the topic of this best friend, but since you describe your wife's reaction to it as "controlling," I've got to believe you're pushing some buttons, here.

How are you bringing this up? Is is a big, fat, hairy deal? Or are you—can you be casual about it? Is there a way you can let your wife know you're crazy-mad in love with her, that you wouldn't do a thing to change the fabulous, vibrant, self-assured woman of mystery that she is, but that you're so into her you just want to meet her friends? (And please, tell me you DO want to meet ALL her friends, not just this one who's gotten under your skin.)

If that's too strange for you, perhaps the truth will do: "Darling, I'm mad for you, and yes, that includes a certain amount of jealousy. Still, I want to let you be the wondrous creature I know and fell in love with, so how about this: indulge me. Let me just meet the guy. It'll make me feel better. Please? I'll be nice and civil and once we've met, you can go on about your business being friends with him and I'll step back into my place as husband and all will be well."

Basically, what I'm saying is to make the way you're requesting what you're requesting as reasonable as the request itself.

Good luck!

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A reader, pops +, writes (8 September 2005):

Stop asking her about him. That is being too insecure, and " controlling! Trust her to have her own friends, just as you do, and everyone has the right to have certain acquaintenance they see and talk to at work that they would never dream to invite to their homes. Have you invited every one of you co-workers to your home for dinner? I bet not. Jealously is merely an expression of low self esteem. Why don't you spend some time asking what is lacking in you that is making you insecure in your relationship with your wife? Work on that.

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