A
male
age
41-50,
*hought_I_KnewSomething
writes:My wife and I have a decent marriage, and a one year old daughter. The trouble is, even before she conceived, we rarely had sex (about once a month). Now, it'e even less. When we do, it's good, but every time I initiate she's too tired. Even when I initiate during the day, she says she doesn't have time. I understand, we're both busy, and she works hard, but this is important. I always make sure to pleasure her before I get off. I'm considered attractive, and have been told I'm good in bed, but my wife never wants to make love anymore. In the past year, we've had sex three times. I am not happy with this situation. I have told her as much, and she promised to initiate sex sometimes, but she never has. How do I reconcile this with her?Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2012): it must be extremely hurtful to be physicaly rejected by the person you love. i'd recommend getting help from a therapist. you can go alone and ask her to join you afterwards. not wanting to have sex doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't love you anymore or isn't attracted to you anymore.. the problem may lay on several levels..
watch the tv show "tell me you love me" it addresses your problem :)
A
male
reader, Thought_I_KnewSomething +, writes (5 June 2012):
Thought_I_KnewSomething is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone. I appreciate the advice. Situation: status quo.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2012): You shouldn't have to beg or "do all kinds of nice things" for sex. All of these woman onhere and some men saying that have no idea what there partner is feeling. I am going through the same thing and it sucks. What the hell happened? We had sex like jack rabbits and now, I'm lucky to get it once a month. For some reason woman tend to do this often in relationships and seem to get a pass. It's wrong, just as its wrong for us to not compliment or show love. But for men who are doing that, what are we supposed to do? This seems to be a big game for woman and I don't think its one that should be played. I keep hearing all these reasons why we should justify woman doing this but I hear nothing about how a man feels and how to handle that. I love my wife but I am not going to beg her or try to sweet talk her because I hope she gets horny. To me this is a form of emotional abuse that woman think is ok. If a man is doing something that is clearly hurting her he is called abusive, woman do it and its justified because why? F that buddy, I am so tired of asking and playing this game. Enough is enough. I am tired of feeling like she is no longer attracted to me. I have given her the respect of talking but nothing works. Men we don't have to accept it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2012):
Its cos she is not attracted to you anymore. And being asked to have sex, by someone she's not attracted to, just puts her off even more. She can manage it once in a while but its conditioning her to hate it or at best see it as a chore to get over with or avoid.
Sex or lack thereof is just the barometer of how things are going in the relationship. If your wife isn't interested in sex with you there's probably a reason related to how she feels about you more generally. You need to find out what that is without getting defensive. She's no longer attracted to you and this is often due to relationship problems.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2012): Ahhh. I feel your pain, my friend! As you say, the writing was on the wall even before your daughter was born. Eventually your sex drive will also diminish. This surely is the reason why some couples manage to stay together for 50 or 60 years and remain faithful to each other to the end. Either that or both parties have a very high sex drive! Perhaps you can say to her "That's alright, honey - I'll just occupy myself with some internet porn for a while and then I'll pop downstairs and put the tea on for you to save you a job." That may sound ridiculous of course (i.e. you may be living in a bungalow!). Something will give sooner or later. You'll probably make a move on a married woman at work or something along those lines. I tried that once. Unfortunately she was already having an affair with someone else! Proof therefore that some women do have a high sex drive after all! (How did I miss-read those signs!). As you can imagine, my male ego never recovered after that! On the other hand I'm still living with my partner and our two children are coming along nicely. Still, I'd rather feel like a 'real man' in a sexual relationship than some sort of beta male who tip-toes round his partner hoping for sex once every six months before giving up and spending the night with his laptop and a box of tissues. Not that I need the whole box these days i.e. my sex drive is starting to wane. However, I'd rather be with a loving, warm and friendly woman than with someone who was attractive once before swapping alcohol for sex and never putting her arms around me after I come home (admittedly late sometimes) after a hard day at work. Many women I think just want to have a baby. Once they have this then they simply just do not care about the needs of their partner anymore. I'm sure there are some genuinely loving women out there. For now I will sacrifice my self-indulgence in the interest of the family. Some might argue that so should you. At the end of the day, you should do what makes you happy but make sure that you continue to give your daughter all the love that she needs. I should feel blessed that I have two fantastic children - and I do! However, I do feel like I am a complete mug for tolerating my continued 'non-sexual' relationship. I daresay in fact that my partner secretly loathes me for being so tolerant in this regard. Eventually you will start losing interest in all other aspects of the relationship. Every weekend I have no plans. I just go with the flow and do all that my partner wishes of me with no sex in return. If only I hadn't fallen in love with that other woman from the office who is quietly getting on with her life not too far away from where I live (a life which regrettably does not involve me). Like I said......I feel your pain. Good luck! Yours, a beta-male (so don't be like me!).
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A
male
reader, mr.goodguy +, writes (7 April 2012):
 Well I have to say I'm in the same boat ...not as bad meaning I get it 2 a week maybe and went threw times it was as bad as 1 a month ....the hardest part is feeling inside like your not desired by here its misrible to look at her nude or in a beautiful outfit and just want to make love and you know you can't or will get shut down ....for me its horrible because we used to do it 3 times a day!!!or at least once ..and knowing she would sleep with other before but not me??I'm sorry your going threw this its horrible ..the only peace of advise I can say is ,be very hygienic and shave coloune ,workout dress nice like your trying to impres and try to stay calm and explain your feelings ..if she won't change and she refuses to work on it then I'm not sure your financial state buot I would leave after you give it another year ...because being married and not sharing sex is just messed up its supposed to be a great ?try counseling togather but if nothing changes sash r
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2012): Would a man expect his wife to pop into work and do half his job for him if he were feeling tired, "Abella"?
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A
male
reader, alphamalesyndrome +, writes (7 April 2012):
Normally I would say "leave her", and if her sex drive was always so low and it was always a problem for you, you should have left her before having a kid together. Now you gotta stick around, bro.
Best thing you can do that doesn't involve cheating on her, is just letting the sex issue go completely. It will hurt you enormously, but putting pressure on her is absolutely going to backfire. Just dont mention sex anymore and be completely nice and loving to her otherwise. Do this for about 6 months. If she doesn't come around and initiate by then, evaluate if you can live with this for the rest of your life and be happy with other activities and raising the family. If you can't, divorce her.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (7 April 2012):
 First year with a baby? It can be tough. And some aspects of being a new Mom can play havoc with a woman’s sex drive. Not for all. But definitely for some.
Your sex life is definitely not good at the moment. But you will need to take a step back for a while. It could be that her sex drive is very low. Or she may be exhausted with the baby.
She may even need a thorough check up with the doctor. But do not suggest that yet.
Back off a little and concentrate instead on these areas:
Help out around the house more often, consult and confirm if it is OK if you do X or Y
Sometimes just start the dishes after a meal without her needing to ask. Or fold the washing and put it away.
Suggest she have a rest while you vacuum
Sorry to have to say this – but at first she may even be too tired to say Thank you. (she should say thank you, but I am guessing that she is exhausted and is trying too hard to be a good parent)
Compliment your wife often in a way that does not look as if you are angling for sex
Compliment you wife in front of others. For instance you see a photo of your wife – comment on how lovely she looks and how photogenic she is.
Compliment her skills as a parent.
When she is less tired ask your parents or your in-laws if they could baby sit while you take your wife somewhere that will make her feel good
And when she is a little more relaxed suggest that as you are going to the Doctor for a full check up for you, then perhaps it would be a good idea for her too. (I know you were not thinking of a full check up – but if it helps your wife then who cares? Occasionally you may even like to buy her a modest bunch of flowers? Start wooing her again. It worked before. Eventually some harder questions may need to be asked.
You could also check out a fleshlight.com and see if that might be a temporary tool to assist you. Apparently they are very popular in the military. When guys are away from a loved partner, temporarily
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2012): Maybe try not making it an issue for her, so when it does happen its stress free like sex should be, then maybe she'll want to do it more often. Other than that, if you communicated this to her, there is not much more you can do other than helping her out and doing sweet things for her. Some people just dont have high sex drives and dont need it as much as others.
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