A
female
age
41-50,
*oonLux
writes:I started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago for weekly sessions because I'm working on my confidence level that's been down because of unemployment. Told the therapist that things are going well, besides the financial side, which is taking it's time and I'm getting frustrated. Then she started asking me about my boyfriend. What he does. Why isn't he helping me. My boyfriend is fantastic. He's very generous and doesn't ask for much on my side. We're real chill. One time he gave me a grand to catch up with my bills. Since I've been out of work, I've been tidying up at his place, doing chores, making the bed, cooking (we love to eat healthy) and generally been staying with him for a couple of months now. So, the therapist said that I'm fooling myself playing house at his place and I should stop. I like what I'm doing. I love pampering him and taking care of him. I don't understand why I should ask for marriage?
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female
reader, MoonLux +, writes (5 November 2010):
MoonLux is verified as being by the original poster of the question Sure, I've been down and wanted to vent about the unemployed situation. It was suspect to me that my therapist immediately defaulted to my boyfriend. I gave her enough information that marriage is not really our goal, but a loyalty, mutual respect and support are - which surpasses any piece of paper. My basic intro to the session was, things are great, except that I'm unemployed.
Self esteem is low, on a normal low level, because I don't want to be the handout recipient of my boyfriend's wallet or even government assistance. Just like everyone else, I would think, self-sufficiency and self-advocacy gives far more fulfillment. From the bottom of my heart, I enjoy taking care of him - and have been doing so for 2 years. The grand he gave me only came a few weeks back.
CindyCares: Thanks for the post and the points you brought up. I'm prideful and never took any money from anyone. But this time I really needed it and you're right, I did have a problem taking it. Again, this is tied to looking for work self-esteem issues. Funny thing is, I thought if I was working and he gifted me a grand, I would have taken it w/o any problems.
xxoo everyone... Appreciate the replies very much 3
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): a good therapist would never tell you what you should do. instead, they are there to help guide you through YOUR choices. they are there to listen to you and help guide you through tough situations, but they would never TELL you what to do. a good therapist would recognize the fact that you are an adult and capable of making your own decisions. what is right for one person may not be right for the next. i would seriously consider switching therapists. the way this therapist is practicing is extremely unconventional
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 November 2010):
 I am surprised that your therapist gave you such an advice, it sounds unprofessional. Therapists are not supposed to tell you : do this do that, get married or dump your boyfriend etc, just to give you the psychological tools which enable you to make your own decisions with awareness .
Are you sure you may not have misinterpreted something ?...
Unless, but I am really just guessing here, since you have self esteem problems, she may have thought that you are doing chores at your bf's not because you love doing it , but because you feel undeserving of help and feel that if people does something for you, you must do something in change. That you don't know how to receive, in short, which is always a big problem for people with confidence issues.
I'll try to explain. You said that your bf gave you cash to help you with bills. Some women would immediately try doing something "nice" to return the favour. Some wouldn't ; they'd think, this is a one time emergency, and he is my bf, it's quite normal that he helps me as I would help him should he need it.
There is no right or wrong, and the first choice is as valid as the second, as long as it comes from a free choice and not a sense of unworthiness.
I'd ask the therapist to clarify for you what exactly she means by "playing house " and how that is specifically linked to your confidence issues . No therapy can work without very clear communication.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): It sounds like you have a bad therapist! If you are perfectly happy with your relationship, and you don't want to get married, why on earth should you do it? It sounds to me like your counsellor isn't really listening to the real problems here (self-esteem, confidence issues due to unemployment) but is instead finding a straw man for you to blame for your state of mind.
I think it's lovely of you to try to help your boyfriend out at his place while you look for work. It's what a considerate and kind person would do - you can't contribute financially at the moment due to your work situation, so you're finding other ways to be supportive. You're not 'playing house' (what a patronizing description!), you're building a home together. It's not only married people who can be in a stable, mutually supportive relationship - and this is essentially what you're building with your partner.
My only concern would be if the amount of time you were spending on housework, cooking, chores, and running around after your partner were leaving you no time at all to look for work and to pursue your own goals in life. It can be easy to feel when you are unemployed that you're worthless, and to cling to housework and chores as things that show a definite contribution. However, be careful that you don't reduce your own options by spending too much time on those things. What you should have in your 9-5 time is a healthy balance - say, a couple of hours of looking for work and applying for jobs, a couple of hours where you maybe do some volunteering or improve your qualifications via study or a course (this will help your self-esteem as you realize how talented you are), and a few hours of chores to keep things at home ticking over. A healthy balance between activities is the answer here - and you DESERVE to spend time on yourself (you're worth it!).
Marriage has nothing to do with it. A wedding ring would not solve your issues. Maybe think about changing your therapist if they keep trying to conjure up problems between you and your boyfriend where none have previously existed!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): You do realise that this person knows absolutely nothing about the two of you but still seem to think that he/she knows best in terms of your relationship.
To become a therapist you don't have to do a whole lot of training. It's not like a psychiatrist who is a real doctor. They may have a little more insight as they can view your actions independently and without being bias since they aren't emotionally attached but other than that they have about as much skill as you average random person.
If you think it will help your confidence then by all means end it or make your boyfriend marry you. If not then tell your therapist you appreciate her/his concern but that's out of the question and to focus on something else.
From what little you have described about your boyfriend he seems like a decent enough guy...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): 1)I think you might want to see a new therapist, as this is extremely unconventional advice.
My own therapist would never give such direct advice, but instead help me put my experiences into perspective and make sure I adjust well to the effects of my choices.
Here your therapist has indicated to you that you should ask for marriage, even though this doesn't fit your own personal goals. He might not be a good fit for you.
2) I don't think there is anything wrong with taking care of your boyfriend, or staying with him, especially if this isn't creating a burden in your relationship. It sounds like you are functionally coexisting, and enjoying it. You don't need a marriage license to sanction it. There is far more financial security in a marriage, so that might be a reason to consider it if unemployment has been a problem. Otherwise I wouldn't feel self conscious about this decision if I were in your position.
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