A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a mum of one, he's 18, and he's in university studying graphic design and computing. We live in North Lincolnshire, and work across the border in Kingston-u-Hull, my son goes to university and lives in Sheffield - so a bit of a distance between the three.My son has told me he feels ignored by his father and has done ever since he was born.I confronted my husband about this, not in a shouting manner, but calmly, and he said he was trying to resolve a vendetta with a former business partner, a brother-and-sister team, and the vendetta had been carried on since August 1998, apparently. The vendetta was over a failed business partnership [which the brother-and-sister team caused the failure of].I wasn't really aware of any vendetta until now; my husband had kept this a secret all this time, and I'd been none the wiser.I can't believe how long the feud's been going on.My son is happy with his life, but feels he has no real connection with his dad, and no matter how hard he tries he feels low and ignored, this makes him feel low, but he tries not to feel down about it and accepts life as it is.My son's tried to take an interest in his dad, but his dad's taken no interest in him, but he refuses to give up hope. He's always had a determined attitude to things in his life.I'd be interested to know how I can handle this problem; it's not a school or education problem, but an emotional one.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): "I'd be interested to know how I can handle this problem; it's not a school or education problem, but an emotional one."
Sadly, not much you can do. Your husband has chosen to be an onlooker in his son's life, and he is hiding behind a lame excuse and blaming others rather than responsibility.
All you can do is reassure your son that it's not his fault, he will soon be an adult living his own life and if the experiences of friends in similar situations are any guidelines, then your son will at some point will realize the futility of trying to build a relationship and he will simply cut his father out of his life.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (12 December 2012):
Perhaps your husband became so consumed with the business dispute that he didn’t realise that it was having an impact on his son. It does seem a little questionable that he offered a description of a business dispute as a response to the news that his son doesn’t feel they have a connection. Perhaps this shows just how much he’s putting in to this business disagreement. Instead of confronting him or telling him that his son feels bad about things, why not wait until your son is next due home, presumably this would be relatively soon for the Christmas holidays. Say to your husband that although your son wouldn’t say anything, it would really mean a lot to him if they did something nice together. Perhaps suggest something you think they’d both enjoy doing. Your husband might not want to, but at least you’ll have tried. At the end of the day you can’t make him show an interest, but he’s probably just not realised that he’s appeared to show a lack of interest in his son and this is a way to get them spending time together without appearing to criticise your husband or make him think his son has been criticising him. Unfortunately that’s when people get defensive and shut their ears.
I wish you all the very best.
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