A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:my partner is very possesive and wont allow me any friends. i dont work and am basically a recluse as im not allowed out.please could someone advice me on how i can make friends on line without my partner knowing.i feel i need company and its the only contact with the outside world i will have.i have mentioned things to him but he insists on things being this way.he works long hours so need something to do.we share the pc so i have to delete history verytime i do anything so hes not suspicious.please help. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, tiggy2011 +, writes (26 January 2011):
My now husband started off possessive and controlling. It was hard to enjoy myself amongst friends even his own male friends because he would get worked up about anything and everything. I had to be stuck to him like glue the entire night, i wasnt to do this or that because he thought every guy had more than friendly interest in mind. It got to the point that i lost friends and completely changed to accommodate his every demand. I became depressed and withdrawn and i found myself crying without reason. And when i tried talking to him, i couldnt get a word across because he had a knack for twisting the entire discussion around till i felt as if i was the snivelling complaining selfish person. Finally it took breaking up with him and setting an ultimatum demanding that i be treated as part of the relationship rather than someone who he could constantly control and manipulate. I also found out he had alot of insecurities and his life and upbringing largely contributed to the way he treated me. No woman deserves to be treated like a doormat, so stand up for yourself and be heard. Maybe in turn you'll learn something about him.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (26 January 2011):
 The reason why it is difficult to recommend where you can find online friends, is that any friend that is decent will just say what we are telling you.
Friends (even online ones) will want you to be free, and after they get to know you for a while, they will probably interfere and try to save you.
Friends (even online ones) care too much to allow you to live this way.
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A
female
reader, sammi star +, writes (25 January 2011):
 Do you plan on spending the rest of your life having no human contact other than your partner? Humans are not designed that way, we are social creatures. Consider this, you're fed up now...so picture yourself still sitting at the computer looking for friendships in another 5 years. You will have seen nobody except your partner in all that time and it will have become so common place to you that you'll likely have zero confidence or self respect to do anything about it. What if he ever left you? What happens then when you're out there all alone in the world because you've cut off everyone that ever cared about you and allowed this man to take so much of your sprirt that you're terrified to stand on your own two feet in this world?
I urge you to change your situation now. Don't ask him if you can get a job and make friends, TELL him that is what's going to happen. If he says no then stand up to him. You alone are in control of your life and your happiness, leave him if things don't change. There are support groups for women like yourself. Don't waste another day of your life merely existing instead of living.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): You are basically imprisoned. How on earth can you live like that? It is not healthy, but as your question is simply how can you act within your restrictions, you seem to accept your situation. Have you thought of voluntary work with a charity. He may find that OK. There are online chat groups for people who like cookery or gardening - do a google search. The WI have groups that meet up regularly, and there is nothing for him to fear with that surely. Your situation sounds sad and I would urge you to say you have a need to interact with other people.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (25 January 2011):
Leave him. You've voluntarily put yourself in prison and made yourself a slave. Only you can help yourself, only you can break free. Millions of women are laughing, being loved and treated well, whilst you choose to stay indoors in fear like a little dog.
Leave or stay and continue to cry until the day you die.
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A
female
reader, AuntyMaur  +, writes (25 January 2011):
 Stop giving him permission to control you. This is abuse in its higest form. What will he do should you have a mind of your own, for goodness sake stand up for yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): no way of total history ever being erased but the average joe wont see it unless they got good skills on a pc? if u have done nothing to break his trust the history of him needs to be erased,not the pc. i have in the past took pity on these type of victims of control,later finding they are not true and they are serial cheats. not allowed friends online? or has been found to be cyber cheating. not allowed out? if that was real how do you go to the store? he is at work all day. this is either extreme control or someone who has abused trust at any chance. it doesnt matter anyroad,because the relationship is beyond normality and needs ending asap.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (25 January 2011):
 Why have you allowed him to have such control over your life? What right has he to forbid you from having any friends? What right has he to take away your freedom? Is this A relationship or imprisonment? Go out and have your friends, go out and talk to people and do not let him tell you whether or not you are allowed to. He is not your father, nor is he your master, he is your PARTNER, not your captor so he best begin acting like such. In fact, forget that, he does not seem like the kind of person you would be safe around, you seem so afraid of him, what he might say or do. I suggest leaving him. I STRONGLY recommend leaving him.
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, CJH +, writes (25 January 2011):
 The root cause of your problem is the way you allow this man to control you. It's honestly not healthy and I suspect that if you do end up finding new secret friends on line they will tell you exactly the same thing.What's going on here is nothing short of domestic abuse and rather than try to circumvent it, you need to put a stop to it before it completely destroys you.Rather than making friends online, spend your time researching your rights and remedies for this situation. There are a number of organisations out there who will be more than able to help you escape this misery.Is he ever violent towards you? If so, you need to call the police and let this idiot try controlling them.I'm sure you love the guy but in this case, you need to love yourself a little more and stop accepting this punishment. You don't deserve it.
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