A
female
age
30-35,
*ophie2009
writes:Hi everyone I am a 33 with 3 children and with my partner for 19 years. The problem is my partner has always been very quick tempered. I could handle it but it is starting to boil over on to our 14 year old daughter.The other night he came home from the pub and i knew by him all he wanted was a row, he tried to start with me but i just ignored him them he started with her, I told him to stop it but he kept pushing it. I know our daughter has a bit of an attuite, but as soon as he got her worked up he told her to go to her room, when she refused he started to yell at her and me, he roared at her and she got up, mumbled something at him and left, he got up and ran after her she got to her room and locked the door, the roars of him at her was awful. When he came back down i was sitting with our youngest on my lap when he punched me in the face for not taking his side. This is what it has been like for 19 years but i could deal with it , his mother did with his dad, but now i am not so sure. Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2009): Sophie...You will never get your point across to him. No matter what you say...he will turn it around and make you the enemy! I have been through it and the best thing I ever did was walk away! And I left with little else than the clothes on my back! I conquered my fears and saved my life at the age of 56! I had spent 16 years on a rollercoaster that was never going to stop.
Fortunately, we had no children together, but for a while I was helping to raise his son (with never any thanks from my husband)
In the beginning I would fight back, but in the end he had beaten me down so bad, both mentally and physically that I just cowared in a corner and let him beat the hell out of me. My spirit was broken, along with ribs (3 times) nose, and foot. He ran over my foot with the car...and told me to shut up when I screamed 'cause he didn't want to go to jail! He was sick and didn't want to get better. I realized that I could die at his hands at any time. My kids new a little of what was going on (they were grown and living in another state) and the funny thing is, as much as they hated him, they lost all respect for me for staying with the bastard! Even if he never lays a hand on your daughter...she is being damaged by what is going on in her life! A child needs to feel safe in her own home! It is a mothers' responsibility to keep her safe...both physically and emotionally!
Face your fears and take the first step...have him arrested and get a restraining order. Then contact every agency you can find to help you start a new life. It isn't normal to live like that! I know that now. When I did finally get up the courage to leave, I was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder...I had been living in a battle zone for over 16 years!
Please don't allow yourself to become a statistic..."a battered woman leaves her abuser an average of 7 times before either leaving for good, or dying at his hands." It took me 6 tries, but #6 was the magic number...I stayed gone! The reality is that if I hadn't, I may not be alive to give others the advice of my experience. Please take this very seriously, for your children if not for you! You don't want your son growing up thinking that this is a normal way of life...he will become an abuser too!
Good Luck and God Bless
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): Your children are going to end up resenting you badly if you do not do something. Their childhood is being ruined and I feel for them.
What happens when they ask you why you allowed them to grow up in such an environment? What will you say?
They will be adults at some point and they will hate you for allowing them to be put through this.
This man does not love you. Your children do. Grab the people that matter and get out. There is lots of support out there but you need to take the first step. It's on you.
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A
female
reader, Annalisa  +, writes (11 March 2009):
 When he punches you he must leave a bruise, no? So how can he say it's all in your head??
All a doctor can do really is give you medical advice, you need to go to the police and not tollerate him any more.
Talk to your daughter, take her with you as a witness, if necessary.
You have someone to turn to: the police, councillers, the council, the citizens advice beaureau... You and your kids have rights and you can actually report him, throw him out of the house, have a warrant made against him even approaching you in the street! Even if you were an inadequate mother, he has no right to hit you, so pick up your strength, get off your chair and talk to the police now, they have to help you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): You need to get away from him! Isn't 19 years long enough? Involve the police, research womens shelters, collect numbers and keep them in your wallet (hidden) or on your cell phone with code names. Prepare yourself to get away from this monster! If you check out my profile page, and some of my answers to abused women, you will see that I know what I am talking about!
I want to say so much more, but have to get ready for work! Please read my answers! You don't have to suffer in silence anymore! I pray that you get the help that is available to you!
I will add more this evening after work!
Stay Safe!
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A
female
reader, sophie2009 +, writes (11 March 2009):
sophie2009 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have tried to talk to him about how we feel but he just flies off the handle turning it all around on me telling me that if i was a better mother she would not be like that or that i am too soft with them or that i am crazy and imagining things that his behaviour is all in my head.I have tried talking to my doctor but when she spoke to him he turned it round on me and she ended up prescribing antidepressents . I feel trapped and i hate myself for butting my kids through this..............
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): Your children will not thank you for this. You should be protecting them but your putting them and yourself in danger. If you can't leave for yourself, leave for your children sake at least
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (11 March 2009):
 Go to the police, how long will it be before your children see this man murder you? Or you watch him murder them!
Can you let your children grow up thinking this is the way men should treat women?
He is going to go too far one day, then you and your children will just be another headline in the local news! ACT NOW, I don't care how much you love him, stop being selfish this is about your kids!
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A
female
reader, sophie2009 +, writes (11 March 2009):
sophie2009 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have tried to talk to him to tell him how we feel but he just wont listen or he will seriously fly out of control turning it all around on me....... he knows he has me trapped and that i have no one to turn ......i made the mistake of telling my doctor what his is like
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A
female
reader, sophie2009 +, writes (11 March 2009):
sophie2009 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have tried to talk to him to tell him how we feel but he just wont listen or he will seriously fly out of control turning it all around on me....... he knows he has me trapped and that i have no one to turn ......i made the mistake of telling my doctor what his is like
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A
female
reader, Annalisa +, writes (11 March 2009):
I am ammazed women do this to themselves, I've seen women stick by their husbands even after he had slashed her wrists... Look, there is no excuse for violence. The fact you 'can handle it' doesn't give you the right to put your children through it.
Now, can you talk to your husband, when he's not drunk?
Can you sit him down when he's sober and explain calmly and lovingly how his behaviour makes you feel and how devastating it can be on your children?
He probably acts like this because it's what he knows, he must know how it feels as a child to see your mother being hit by your father.
He needs help, councilling, someone to sit him down and tell him his behaviour is wrong, that he is a criminal in the eyes of the law.
If his violence is drink induced, then he needs to stop drinking and get a life.
If you can't talk to him, go to the police, they don't have to arrest him, if you don't want them to, but they can provide information about local councilling.
If your husband wants none of it, make it clear that you will leave until he's sorted out, leave, or better still tell him to move out and get a life.
You love him, he knows that, you can reassure him, but he has to understand that he is not showing his love for you and the kids!
Do a search online for Domestic violence in your area, lots of sites come up, so I won't list them here.
Talk to someone and sort your life out.
God bless you and good luck!
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