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female
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anonymous
writes: Every year my boyfriend has a midlife crisis (he's 49) immediately after he takes his children on vacation and returns to face another birthday! They go to California, where he starts thinking about his "glory days" in his twenties. He comes back to tell me that he's tired of doing everything for everyone else, feels old, is unhappy with every aspect of his life, doesn't know what he wants, things aren't any good between us, he's depressed because he wanted to be retired by this age and needs some space and time to figure it all out. He then starts running around with "the boys", occassionally not phoning to let me know he's going out, then occassionally not coming home until he eventually fades out completely -total "radio silence" and crashing at his buddy's house. I respect his space, don't call, let him go and wait. This usually takes about 2-2 1/2 months. The rest of the year he's a confident, very successful and considerate person. When he comes back home, after a few months when things are settled I try to get some perspective on why he does this. His response is: "I don't know, I just get a little crazy, you know I love you." We have been together for eighteen years! Please help me stop this cycle. I'm turning forty this year and feel like I'm having my own midlife crisis. It's always terribly difficult but this year it seems unbearable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2005): You are correct-I think your man is really blazing a trail through male midlife crises. What you must keep in mind is that men don't plan on turning this unpredictable.It happens when they look in the mirror and see themselves as old men. They have, up to this point, believed they were 25-year-old boys. Male midlife crises can and will devour relationships, if you allow it to. What you must understand and believe is that no matter what you do, you do not have control over him, only yourself. He's in an emotional storm that will test the patience and endurance of all those who love him as he comes to grips with the fact that he is no longer 25.
Should you try to wait for this crisis to end, for your lives to return to where they used to be? It might take the patience of Mother Theresa and the result may still not be the one you want. He will do what he must do when he must do it. Once he has made his passage into mid-age he will come back to you and the crises periods will stop. He is at a major turning point in his life, a normal part of the male maturing process that, should he be successful in navigating through the storms, will help him lead a fuller and more satisfying life, accepting the normal limitations inherent with the aging process.
You need to be aware of what's happening to your man. Being aware will make you less apt to blame yourself for the things going wrong. I suggest you seek answers from books, websites and counselors. You need to understand that this is his problem, it will have to be his solution—and you are not responsible. A crisis will not end in a week or two. It may years to get resolved. You will need patience to let him learn to cope with the new feelings and emotions that are occurring in his life. You cannot do this for him nor can you demand that he seek counseling or talk the problem through with you. You may suggest it but you cannot demand it. It will do no good. It's important that you understand and accept the fact that it is his problem, not your fault. Give him space like you have been. No matter how uncertain you're feeling, don't cling, berate or try to push him in a direction he doesn't want to go. If he wants more time than usual to be by himself or with his fishing or golfing buddies, don't complain about how little time he's spending with you. After all, you did say he experiences the crises time for about 2.5 months, each year. Some men do it 12 months a year! Now is the time you must develop yourself as an independent person. You must take responsibility for yourself and your happiness without depending on him when he's going through his crises periods. Plan things without him. Depend upon yourself, not him. Do things by yourself and with friends. Get some good medical/professional advice to help you cope with your feelings during the difficult times. Just keep reaffirming your love for him, your desire for him, your attraction to him. If you make the decision to demand that he straighten up, to demand that he stop his erratic behavior, to demand that he return to the person you're most comfortable with, you'll be making a mistake. Coping with male midlife crisis is not easy. Not every relationship will survive the strain. Be strong, dear and I wish you well through this very difficult time with your husband. Take care and hang in there.
Hugs,
Irish
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2005): He sounds like a spoiled little brat. Let me undertand... for around 3 months or so out of 12 you are miserable. That's a huge chunk of time! I'd really have to ask, are you better off with him or without him? Once you decide, move on it! Life is short.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (16 September 2005):
 I believe he needs to be made more aware of the havoc he is creating by doing this each year. He needs to know the effect it has on you and he needs to sort himself out.
Counselling could be the answer, providing he would actually go and get it. He obviously has some burning issues that require attention and they tend to raise their ugly head each year.
Are there any particular triggers that cause him to 'go off the rails' like this? Have you tried sitting down with him and thoroughly discussing what he really wants out of life and how you could both work together to get it?
You need also to talk to him about the impact this has on you, how you attempt to give him space for him to sort himself out but that he requires something else to ease the pressure and find the solutions.
It is all very well having a midlife crisis and but he needs to do something constructive to change his life.
With understanding of each others needs, sit down and talk about what to do to safeguard this not happening again.
Good luck
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