A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This may sound odd but please bear with me…My parents have no boundaries, they interfere with everything I do. I’m in my 30’s and married but yet they treat me like a child.Just to give you an example before I got married my fiancé and I decided to buy a house and my parents suggested we all buy a house together, so we could live together! They also tried to invite themselves on our Honeymoon!! So many other things go on but this is just 2 examples. We used to live 10 minutes away fromThem and they would come over unannounced every other day. We decided to move further away from them and fortunately they don’t bother us as much now due to this and thanks to covid. Anyway a neighbor of ours has put his house up for sale and when my parents were over they saw and were talking about selling up and buying the property to be near us!! They already went to view it and are in talks about selling their house. Now I told them that I wouldn’t be comfortable with that as we want our own space (I have told them numerous times, politely that I do not want to live near them) but they don’t see anything wrong with it. I have been blunt and yet they still don’t care. They are young - in their late fifties with a good group of friends - so they aren’t lonely. My sister who is 27 still lives with them but their interference with her, doesn’t bother her. They are also healthy so it’s not that they need care. I don’t have a close relationship with my neighbor to explain to him why not to sell to my parents- even though I know it’s his choice who he sells too.The only other option is for us to sell our house but it’s not convenient. Please don’t say “they are your parents, they just care” etc…. Because there’s a fine line and this is more controlling than care. What is the best thing to do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2022): I think you know you can't tell your parents where to live; and can't insist they don't buy a house near you. It would be inappropriate to approach your neighbor regarding to whom they should or shouldn't sell their house. You could be setting them up for a discrimination suit; or they just might tell you where to go.
Sometimes you must employ tough-love when people overrule or dismiss your wishes. Parents deserve your respect; but when they are pushy and dismissive, then you must get tougher. They count on your weakness. They know you feel ill at-ease; and they're using subtle intimidation to breakdown your resistance. To modify their behavior, you use the element of surprise. You insist that you're not giving in this time. You insist that you are busy right now, and you'll see them another time. Let them pout and draw long faces.
It will be a cringy moment to see their faces change, or watch them get angry; but don't write for advice, unless you want to see results. There is no easy-way with pushy-people!
You say you've been blunt. Apparently, not blunt enough. People will test your boundaries, and when they know you'll soften or shrink-back; they'll just keep pushing and pressing until you let them have their way. You are not ten years-old, and you're not in your backyard playhouse.
If people show up at your door when you are busy, or not in the mood for company; you tell them you're busy, and suggest maybe they should call ahead and comeback another time.
Don't let them in, stand at the door. If they persist; then tell them that you can't change your plans, and this is an inconvenient time. "Insisting on a visit isn't going to change anything!" Say those words! Tell them you love them, will see them later; and will make sure to call them when you have time. Say you were just about to run, and have your housekeys and car keys in-hand, and take a drive around the block. Remember, they didn't walk there; they drove over.
If they stand there insisting; you'll be forced to close the door, and upset them. They will brood for a while; but they have to learn that the door is not open at their house to anybody at any hour, or any time of the day. If you want to be treated like a child, you shouldn't behave like one; just because they are the type of people who are obtrusive, and probably lay guilt-trips on you when they can't have their way.
They are forcing you to hurt their feelings; when they show you disrespect, and deliberately ignore and overrule your boundaries. Even the Bible commands that parents shouldn't provoke their children to anger.
If you don't have it in you to get tough; one-day you're going to lose-it, and that's when the poop hits the fan! You'll do it in a fit of anger; and that's when things might go too far, and you'll cause friction between you.
You might also use the pre-emptive approach. Call them, and tell them ahead of time. At the beginning of the day (or week); inform them that you're not taking company this week (today), so you're calling to see how they're doing. It wouldn't be a good idea to make the trip this week; because you have plans. If they disregard the heads-up, and show-up anyway; leave the blinds or curtains pulled shut; and ignore the knocks until they leave. Even if the car is in the driveway and they know you're home.
Oh yes, they will be angry, and cry foul; but you told them you would not be expecting company. You can invite them in, and go about your housework and chores; and if they say anything, remind them you told them it was a bad-time. Keep checking the clock, leave the room for several minutes. They'll either shorten the visit, or get the message.
It is not being disrespectful to your parents to set boundaries. If there are none, they don't have to observe any. If it takes a few uncomfortable moments to stress a point; then I guess you'll either summon the nerve, or keep writing and writing for some easy-way that doesn't exist. You've tried the easy-way, but you're here now!
If they run into obstruction and refusal enough, they will finally get the message. It they don't, then put-up a fence around the property, and lock the gate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2022): You need to put your foot down. Be far more firm than you have been. Telling them you want a distance from them is one thing, telling them firmly so that they know you would be very annoyed and unhappy if they do it is another. If you don't put your foot down properly once and for all this will go on forever. Tell them you love them and love to see them, but need time to just be yourselves together. And, if I were you, I would not allow them to just turn up. That is the nonsense that leads to one person forcing the other to spend time with them. It should not be just up to them how much time you spend together or when you get together, it should be your choice too. That would be the same whether you were related or not, older or younger than them. I won't say they are your parents and all the rest, I have more sense than that. I am sure they can be nice but suffocating and selfish, and very very short sighted. Those who have a bad history or no parents will be thinking "oh I wish I still had my mum," or "I wish my mum and I got on that well" and not understand it at all - I do. The best way is to train them, start as you mean to go on and be very firm throughout. Ask them whey they would like you to visit and organise a day and time to go to them or suggest a day and time they come to you for something i.e. for dinner or to spend the evening together. Make it clear that that is when they are invited, it is not an open house where they can come and go as they please. Point out you need time together alone and you often have a lot of stuff to do or are out. If they turn up uninvited then pretend you are out, that will teach them to not just turn up next time.
Your sister is a whole different thing. I am sure she gets a lot of advantages from being their little girl still - maybe they do a lot for her that otherwise she would have to do or pay for herself, and anyway it is different when you are single. Don't expect her to understand your situation, you are different people with different needs in different situations.
You may have to be inventive and tell your parents that you both do a part time job in the evenings or weekends or whenever, so there is no point to them ringing or visiting those days/times. But because it is very important for you to see them regularly you would love to arrange something in advance. That sounds like a compliment instead of a negative.
I used to have a friend who was a fair bit like your mother. She lived and breathed for her daughter, her daughter moved a long, long way away (guess why !) then she had two little babies. She was all my friend ever talked about. She revolved everything around them. She made up the most ridiculous excuses to visit them all the time. One day she invited herself to go with her daughter and son in law to something. They pointed out that no, they want to go just the two of them. She was mortified. She sent them presents, she emailed and phoned all the time, she had no time for friends because to her they were important and other people were not. Then she got cancer and her daughter didnt bother to phone her or email her or visit her with all sorts of excuses most of the time. You may think your parents are quite happy but maybe not. Usually when a couple are really happy they dont feel the need to keep going out visiting and inviting people over, they are happy just being together.
My friend was unhappily married and bored stiff with her husband. One of the reasons she made such a fuss of her daughter and grandkids. Don't let your parents do this to you. There is also the empty nest syndrome. If your mum does not have a lot of close friends, or hobbies, or great rapport with father, or things to keep her busy, she might want to keep being with you so that she can feel as if you are still there. It's no good asking her. A naive person would say talk to her and ask her. Pointless. She is not self aware enough to know the answers or she would lie about the real reasons out of embarrassment.
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