A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How do i gently approach my mother about her hypocrisy and the damage it has done and continues to do to our relationship? How do I explain that I cannot, allow either myself or my son (8yo), to endure her presence if she continues discounting my thoughts and refuses to even consider to do even the most cursory bit of introspection (seek self awareness?) Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2013): "How do i gently approach my mother about her hypocrisy and the damage it has done and continues to do to our relationship?"You don't because you can't, gently or otherwise."How do I explain that I cannot, allow either myself or my son (8yo), to endure her presence if she continues discounting my thoughts and refuses to even consider to do even the most cursory bit of introspection (seek self awareness?)"You don't because you can't. You show her that you can't allow you or your son to endure her presence by refusing to endure her presence for one more second.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 October 2013):
 If you and your Son were goldfish.... and lived in the same pond as your Mother... and your Mother turned out to be a Pirahna.... you'd probably move to another pond, wouldn't you????? Well... move to another pond, now... and forget about your Mother.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 October 2013):
 You don't. You accept that she is who she is and does what she does . Do you really think that a 65 or 70 y.o. person who's happily done without self awareness and introspection so far, is so eager to embark on a path of self discovery now- and not for a spontaneous need but because you tell her ? Think again.
Plus, you are carrying around wounds that you feel she has inflicted- and probably you are right, I don't discuss that. But what if in good faith she simply does not see it your way ? what if she has another visison and another version of what really went down ?
I used to go nuts when at times I heard my mother talking about episodes of my childhood , or problems that I had growing up, the way she saw it. I really felt like wringing her neck ( I didn't ) and yelling ( I didn't ) : No, you b...h- I did not do X because of Y ( generally some inborn negative personality trait that I was supposed to have )- I did it because YOU did not do your job right- you weren't there, or you did not support me enough, listen to me enough, understand enough etc.etc.
You know when I magically stopped feeling like that ? When my son, during arguments ( not very often because thanks God we get along pretty well, but still, can't always be all smooth sailing with family ) blamed ME for things in his life for which I honestly and sincerely, cross my heart and hope to die, can't see how I have contributed, or how and what I could have done differently.
Being a parent is hard. In fact, doing always right by those you care for, is hard. Always treating them how they want to be treated, always giving them what they need to be given, is hard. They say you always end up hurting those you love more.
Probably, like most people, she did the best she could do at the time, based on her experience, views, personality, limited knowledge and imperfections. Maybe her best wasn't nearly enough, maybe it just really sucked. But anyway now it cannot be changed. Try being as compassionate as you can , and try to think she would have done better if she only had known how.
I think you are fighting a lost battle if you are tryng to reform her and make her ask your forgiveness now. I think you only have two options. if she is really a toxic, damaging parent and you honestly feel that she is dangerous to your and your child's emotional wellbeing ( alas, there are toxic people even among parents , and among older people )- you just cut your ties, or limit them to a functional, polite , formal bare minimum.
If it ain't THAT bad- you accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. Try to focus on her good sides , on the positive lesson you have learned from her- there must be some. As for the rest, just be patient and do not let it get under your skin.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 October 2013):
 It's impractical to change your mother's ways. A 70 year old woman is stubborn and set in her ways. She thinks she lives that long to have that wisdom and who are you to lecture her? You show her you don't like how she is by limiting contact with her. At first you need to accept you never had that loving warm parent. When we are children we all think parents are perfect but reality is harsh. You only have to worry about yourself being a good role model for your son.
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