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female
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anonymous
writes:My mother is so lovely and nice but sometimes when I talk with her about friends or how I deal with certain situations she keeps asking me the exact words I said or how did I do it when talking with someone and then passes critics on me supposing it will help me next time, when I had a problem with a bloke a like she sort of said 'I TOLD YOU THIS GUY WAS MEAN...'' and I feel as if she did not want me to be happy so her conversation topic doesn't end, on the other side she always says I'll end up alone as I'm picky but for bastards who only want to mess around, she is so lovely and nice but sometime she contributes to me feeling down about social life, friends etc with her comments, any ideas to cope with it in a more constructive way?love Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2006): My mum is the same she always assumes that things are my fault before anyone elses, she always manages to find fault in me even if I'm doing good.
I dont think my mum is very good at coping with her emotions she just cant talk things over.
and if I have a problem and want to talk she is the last person I got to now and she knows it, but shes happy with it being that way.
Although I would like to be able to tell my mum my problems it just isnt going to happen, so I have really close friends taht I talk to which helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2006): Yes, I agree, since your mother likes to hurt you for some reason, do not dump your problems on her and expect sympathy....in other words break your dependency on her and talk to someone else about sensitive topics and your relationship with her should improve.
Sometimes Mothers just feel guilty when their daughters talk about problems or don't seem blissfully happy, and then they punish you for thier feelings of failure....try telling your Mom how much you love and appreciate her and see what happens.
Sorry you are feeling this way, but my relationship with my own Mother is a lot like yours, and I have found that I just can't share all the details of my life with her, she can't handle it, and I need to be adult about it, and not lean on her for support emotional or otherwise, after all I am a grown woman myself and will always need a Mom, but not to solve my problems, just for love and hugs...
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (5 November 2006):
 There is a very simple way to deal with this situation. Don't talk to your mother about your relationships with other people - I know it is tempting but I have a similar relationship with my 'lovely' mother. Don't tell her emotionally sensitive stuff that she can come back and hit you with a big stick with when she is feeling spiteful. She may think she is being helpful or maybe feeling protective but ultimately you have control over the situation - you know how she is so don't give her information that she can use against you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Anon
I know you're right it's just I sometimes feel a bit down and feel like beeing embraced or listened to without too much critics but I know it's better to know how things are like yeah and nobody better than a mum to tell, We talked about it and we ended up laughing, as usual
thanks a lot
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female
reader, anon2907  +, writes (4 November 2006):
 Hey,
I can relate to this, my mother can behave in the same way and sometimes it feels like a real shame. It'd be nice to have that unconditional support you feel you're looking for.
For me I've learned to take what she says with a pinch of salt, especially if I know she feels particularly negatively towards friends or boyfriends. I've also learned not to talk to her about them if I need a more objective opinion, because as you say, you end up feeling down about it.
I would imagine that your mother thinks that the people you're hanging around with aren't good enough for you and that's where her negativity comes from. You could ask her to be more supportive of your choices rather than being down on them and see how that works.
You could also try explaining that her negtivity about your relationships makes you feel down and that you sometimes just need her support, not a reminder that she doesn't agree with your choices.
I'm sure she loves you loads, so maybe with some patience you can figure this out together. Maybe she doesn't even realise she's doing it - it's hard for mothers to see their kids don't take parental advice all the time!
Good luck,
Anon2907
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