A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years. We've recently moved in together but things haven't been good for almost a year. I've had anxiety and depression most my life but can usually manage it, however with everything that's happened this year plus other personal things my mental health has taken a massive hit, which I'm seeking support for. I know that I can be difficult and sometimes I'm sad, or irrational or grumpy but I try to explain why to him. I feel so alone and I am quite isolated due to working from home and living in the countryside.It just feels like we're both arguing so much and he gets so frustrated with me. He asks for space and I have to go upstairs which I find hard. He tells me how much hardwork I am but I feel he doesn't see how he can be.I love him very much but I'm scared it's becoming toxic and we're getting tired of each other. It's really upsetting me. I don't know what to do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2020): In terms of your relationship, I’m sorry to say but it sounds to me like it has run it’s course. Your trying to blame your relationship breakdown on your depression or COVID. To me it sounds like these are just excuses you are saying to yourself as you don’t want to believe that your relationship may be over. These may have contributed slightly, but a lot of other couples have managed to work through COVID and you have had the depression throughout your relationship. Some people with depression hope that other people close to them can ‘cure’ them. They don’t know how to help themselves and expect others to drag them out of that dark pit they have found themselves in. This makes them attach to that person even strongly - afraid of loosing that person that they need to make them feel better. Although that person doesn’t make them feel better and sometimes can actually make them feel worse in the long run. But they still hold out hope, so they attach even more to that person. Attach themselves to something that isn’t there. I feel, deep down that you know your relationship is failing. This is making you more emotional, irrational, clinging onto him for dear life, reading too much into things, lashing out, using your depression to guilt him into feeling sorry for you. All because you are scared to loose him. Scared to loose the one person you think can save you. But my dear, the only knight in shining armour in this situation should be yourself. Only YOU can save YOU! Your unhappy in your relationship, where you live, you feel isolated and lonely. Only you can change those things, not him. Stop clinging to a fairytale. Take control of your own life. Realise that this relationship is making your anxiety and depression worse - leave him and spend sometime working on you. Have the courage to do what’s right for you. Don’t like where you live and feel isolated - move and start afresh. Go back to the doctor and try things you haven’t tried before. You’ve managed your depression for this long and now your emotions are out of control. Be honest with yourself and the reasons why. It’s not the depression and it’s not COVID. Stop clinging to a relationship and accept that it’s breaking down. If not you will both continue to be unhappy, your depression will get worse not better. Or he will eventually tire of your emotional outbursts and leave you anyway to save himself misery. Your behaviour is linked to your relationship breaking down not the depression you have been able to manage all these years. You have been having problems in your relationship for a year - you cannot fix this. You are incompatible. Moving in together hasn’t fixed this. Talking hasn’t fixed this. It cannot be fixed. Save both of you from even more misery, have the courage to better yourself and do what right for both of you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2020): You're the one having problems coping; but seem to be explaining things as if your partner is being toxic or abusive. You've indicated that you're getting help. Is it working? If you're writing DC, should we take it to mean the therapy isn't helping?
This might be a clear indication that you're not up to being in a relationship. Being confined is difficult for everyone, including your boyfriend. You knew before you moved-in with your boyfriend that you were having coping-issues. Your post is a little non-specific. Is he being abusive, have you no place to go, or do you regret moving-in? I guess, all of the above!
The remedy to the problem is simple. One of you has to move! You need to work on yourself, and the current covid situation is further complicating an incompatible-relationship. The relationship was in-trouble, yet you moved-in. Covid has been around practically a year, so all that time your relationship was in trouble.
From all indications, you were struggling; and might have thought a relationship would cure you. Now you have to remove yourself from an environment you believe to be becoming toxic. As I've mentioned, you were having problems before you moved in. The problems began a year ago, but you said you only recently moved-in. The problem is apparently a bad-judgement call, that will be partially resolved when you leave. Then you can focus on your mental-health. No matter how much help you get, healing is going to require your commitment to yourself to try to function taking life one day at a time. There are good-times and bad-times. People seem to think they're always supposed to happy and carefree.
Covid might remain here for awhile, in spite of the pending vaccines. You have a lifetime ahead of you, and life presents many challenges and hardships. You take them on, one day at a time. You pray, you reach out to friends and family for support, count your blessings; and you dig deep within, to find your own inner-strength. Other people can support you temporarily. God, faith, and worship are a good source of strength for people who believe. You can't always rely or depend on other people, we all have our faults and weaknesses; and our own lists of problems. Don't search for blame, search for a way to save yourself. You have to leave, and distance yourself from the relationship. If it's toxic, you have to end it. Loving him doesn't seem to justify remaining in it.
Life can be hard sometimes. Not just for you, but for all of us. No matter whom you choose to live with, you've got to be able to live with yourself first!
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