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My man is obsessive and possessive and he wants me - literally! - by his side...

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 June 2005) 2 Answers - (Newest, 17 June 2005)
A , anonymous writes:

I was going to abort his baby, I miscarried before the actual abortion. Now my boyfriend won't let me treat my children from a previous marriage in any special ways because I was going to kill his child. This is difficult and painful for me to do. How can I cope with this, what can I do?

Our relationship has a lot of problems, this is just one of many. The problem is that he thinks it is all me to blame for our problems, that I need to straighten up and straighten my kids up. He has been terribly hurt in his past relationships, and I have had done some things that I am not proud of at all in my past marriage. Them two combined equals a very obsessive/possesive man. How can that be changed?

He will not listen to reason. He thinks it is all normal for a man to be this way. Is it?

He watches me like a hawk, he doesn't let me out of his sight. Going to work is the only freedom I have, otherwise we are glued together. He says a woman stands by her man.

I agree to that, but he takes this literally. When I suggest any alone time, or space he thinks that is not normal and thinks there is something up with it or that I am trying to get away with something.

He says he is the smarter one, and to just let him take care of things so that we can move on with our future. I do struggle coming across intelligently because of

how he analyses everything. But the truth is, I do have a brain, and I deserve to be trusted and happy in this relationship. How can I come out ahead for once here? I can be trusted but I cannot prove that to him no matter what I say or do. This is unfair, I want to beat him at his own game, how can I do that?

I will never straight out convince him that he is wrong

once in awhile on some of our relationship issues. Is there a way to outsmart him so that I can speak up and be heard without him thinking I am trying to be right or trying to put blame on him? No matter how much I make sense, he will say I am not making sense, and that I am wrong. So, what do I do?

View related questions: abortion, move on

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2005):

Get rid of this guy. He is a control freak, and is abusive. Anyone who tells you that you are stupid( in so many words ) has no respect for you, and will not have any respect for you. Without respect, he cannot love you. Run as fast you can away from this man, and don't look back. Get some counselling on self esteem before considering another relationship with anyone else but him. Do it for your children.

PHV

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A reader, D_Missy +, writes (17 June 2005):

Don't try to play his game. Its not a game that anyone ever wins and would just complicate things more. I feel for you. I really do. This is a toughie but I know you'll be just fine. You seem to have confidence in your intelligence and I'm going to believe that you are what you say you are: intelligent.

The man is upset that you had his baby aborted/miscaraged/whatever. Its perfectly logical for him to be. But for him to say you can't treat the other children in special manners is absurd. You let him into your life but you can't let him rule over it. We live in a day and age where women can live and think for themselves and you need to excersise this.

Tell him that he doesn't have the right to treat you as if you were his little lap dog. No big dogs are going to come and eat you.

If it were me, I would've just dumped him and told him to leave but I'm sure you have strong feelings for the guy. Just don't take any shit. Stay independent but stay by his side. Staying by one's side means being loyal, loving, and trustworthy. It doesn't mean you have to always be together. Everyone is entitled to some alone time.

Tell him what's what. Don't let him walk all over you. I'm sure he loves you and is just afraid he'll lose you. The baby thing probably only proved a point in his mind. Let him know you care about him but enough's enough.

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