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anonymous
writes: I have been married to my husband for 7 years. We have recently moved to the United States from England. I thought it would be a new beginning for us. My husband has always struggled to show affection which is something I need, he also is not interested sexually. We have not had sex for 7 months. I am so lonely in this relationship, no love, no affection and no sex, and now he says he just does not want to come home because of the arguments. I try not to let the situation get to me but I am crying out for him to notice me. It got to the point I thought he was having an affair, the arguing got so bad he moved out for a week to clear his head. All he keeps saying is he is unhappy. He is going to see a therapist but I feel it will never be the same again. Do you think that this relationship can be saved or has things gone too far?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): Me too!!!
I have to almost beg for sex...
he is angry all the time..
so lonely..
had an affair that did not help....
A
female
reader, oscarollie  +, writes (7 May 2008):
hi. If you have no kids get out of this marriage now. I have been in a similar one for 23 years,there is nothing wrong with you. A person who starves you of affection does not love you. If they did, why would they make you feel so bad about a basic human need. You are bound to argue, because you feel neglected, it will not go better, you will kid yourself he is a good huband in every other way I did, but the facts are if they had love they would give totally to your weelbeing. We have just split up we had a daughter so I stuck it out, my life has to start agian at 52.Well meaning people will suggest therapy and all the other bandwagon stock answers, The Only Answer is Get Out.while your young enough to restart.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): All I have read on this thread is a lot of hate and blame for the man. We Men are simple creatures; like dogs, really. Give us affection, attention, and some love and we'll pretty much do anything for you. We need to be given simple instructions, repeated occasionally, to get stuff done, but done lovingly without any sort of mallace. We need to be your knight in shinning armor. That's why you married us, correct?
I wonder how much you praise and support him and what the house is like when he comes home. The barometer of the house is usually the mood that the wife is in. If it's good, then everything is fine. If it's lousy, then it's horrid.
There's also the question of sex. Speaking from experience, men like variety, but we'd rather have you attention and enthusiasm. We also like to have an abundance of it. If he's not complaining about too much, then you're not doing it enough or you're doing it 'wrong' and should ask him his needs. I have strayed off the reservation before, but it wasn't for an abundance or quality as much as lack of the big three: Attention, Affection, and Sex.
You should go to therapy with him and encourage communication. If there are grudges, get them aired and resolved so both of you can move on. If you or him are frustrated, that's a warning sign. Frustration is the half-way point on the anger scale. Once it sets in, people generally ignore the problem and focus on the person. Bring the communication back and get it out in the open. I've been married 12 years in the military and know what it's like. But you both have to go together as a team.
Navy Sailor
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2008): My husband and I have been together almost 10 years but married this past August. I sold my house and moved out of state becuase I love and want to be with this man. Things were great initially. We had sex, it was phenomenal and he always got me off. He was creative and passionate.About a year into out new living arrangement, I noticed his sex drive disappeared. If we did have sex, it was only because I had initiated it. And it was terrible. It seemed like he came as quickly as possible so the event would be over. The last time we had sex was December 29, 2007. I decided to see if he would initiate at all in the new year. Let's just say the only sex I have these days is with myslef.I think he's having an affair with someone but can't prove it. I found a hotel charge for a week that I was out of town at a conference. I haven't confronted him about it because I don't want to fight. I just want my affectionate and passionate boyfriend back. I don't want to have an affair but I've got needs that are becoming overwhelming. He claims he's just tired but he always has enough energy to go drinking with his friends or play table tennis.I love him but I'm reaching a breaking point. I didn't give up my old life to be taken for granted and ignored. He barely hugs me or kisses me. When he does I can feel the tension in his body. I don't even think he likes me anymore. I'm afraid that I will do something that can't be forgiven. I'm sad or angry most of the time. I can't focus on my job because I'm worrying about what my husband is up to. I have no friends up here and am completely isolated. The person I'm supposed to be able to depend on is the person I trust the least.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): I am in pretty much same situation. He doesn't perform in bed and this is something that has come up quite often. He refuses to seek help whereas I have met doctors and looked for advice for his problems as though it was my personal inability. I do not feel his love at all, he cares not. I grew up in a bad home, I always wished my folks would divorce so that we could have some peace and normalcy and I see myself taking my children through the same path my parents did and for that alone I have decided not to stay much longer in this marriage if only for the sanity of the children. My parents unhappiness and critisms have really affected all our lives and for me, I would like to spare my children this. And off course, I want to smile again and enjoy life and be a person just like I was before I met my husband. I will pray and ask God to lead me. I am so tired.
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female
reader, HopelessOhioan  +, writes (20 February 2008):
How does this happen to a relationship? I have been married to an older man (12 plus years) for going on 6 years. After 3 years of what he thought was "great" sex and affection, things really started to go south. I was tired of having to ALWAYS pleasure myself during sex and his inability to make it happen, except for one time. Then in an insanely weak minded and stupid move, I had an affair. From the first night my new man was able to "read" my body, knew what I wanted, needed and insisted on taking care of my sexual needs. The affair ended, altough I occasionally hear from him and he has yet to move on himself. My husband is wonderful , but I am not attracted to him because there isn't any romance, and connection or spark. If we never have sex again, that would be fine. I would rather be celibate, but in turn I am angry at him that he is so lousy in bed and I don't care to even try any more. It makes me feel sad and very lonely and angry. He is the best buddy/friend/brother/confidant...etc in the world. I know I will lose that if we split and I'm hanging on for that reason alone. I'm glad to see I'm not alone in this lonliness!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008): I know exactly how you feel. I went through this for twenty two years of marriage. I couldn't quite understand what was wrong. I simply thought my husband just wasn't romantic and didn't care much for sex. He stayed with me but was quiet and withdrawn. Then I found out he was a sex addict ... that's right...addicted to pornography. He's been satisfying himself for years while he had a secret hidden life. It's all out in the open now but I still feel alone even though he is now different. I guess the feeling never goes away even after they change. They lie and avoid you because they rather seek this garbage than make love to you. I hope your therapist discovers if this might be the case. He'll never reveal it out of shame and is unable to stop if he's addicted. Good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008): i am so moved by these stories - thank god i'm not alone, but lonely is what i am in the midst of what should be a loving relationship i see a man sorely disappointed by the realities of life and shattered by the bursting of his 'romantic bubble' - now i am punished for not living up to the 'ideal' and he recoils from me physically and never wants sex, unless i can get him drunk and off his guard. i try always to live by my beliefs - he is not responsible for my happiness....i am the only one who can construct my path of contentment - of course it means i must leave and i am scared,
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008): Dear Ms. UK to USA... I feel for you, my husband moved me here from Canada, it was not my choice, but we were already starting to have sexual problems. We haven't had sex in 8 years. He's such a wonderful man otherwise, but now, the thought of even kissing him, is absurd to me, and even gross now. We started out nice, but then when the sex ended, we have no children, there shouldn't be any excuse... he's been seeing a therapist.. but does he really tell the therapist what the problem is, nope I don't believe it. He's a great room-mate and I've treated him that way. I destroyed our king sized mattress, and got two twin beds. Get this, he was actually shocked that I did that. Then, I decided not to change in front of him anymore, I use the guest bathroom as my own. I have online chats now with men who do not want to leave their wives... that's my desperate cry. I've offered him to leave me, I tell people he's my brother, that my last name is my maiden name now. If he wants to treat me this way, well I am calling his bluff.. he's scared that I've left him already mentally, and he's right. I now hate marriage, wouldn't do it again for nobody. He's a GREAT friend, but not a lover, not in my books. I told him to stop buying me cards at christmas and birthdays, I don't buy him any cards anymore either, if I do, it's a humourous card with nothing that shows endearment at all. yes, I'm upset that I was moved from a place I was VERY happy in, and now, I'm lonely, miss my family, he's not changed, and well, I can see the day that I am going to leave him, but it won't be for another man - you sure can count on that. I think he's a down-low ( a married man who goes to the gym or places like that and has sex with other men.. why should I risk my life for him!!, so no more sex from him even if he wanted it... )HOpe you realize, you're not alone, you've got spiritual support. Go back to school, it helps, it is great for my self esteem. :) good luck and hang in there...Mrs. C.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): I am going through exactly the same thing. I have been married for saddly only 6 months. My husband use to adore me when we first got together. It was all too good to be true. I only knew him though for 3 months. I knew this was not enough time to go into a marriage but I did it anyway for religeous reasons. We would make love all the time and then he lost his job. Then after that it seemed the one dream he had, which was to do shows and music, he could no longer afford to do. He wouldn't even look for a job. I would feel like he didn't love me let alone himself when he would walk around with no money in his pocket and not look for a job any thing to help financially. I made the mistake of saying he was not providing and that hurt him tremendously. There is definitely more to these men not not showing affection.
I think that they have a low self esteem and their dreams have been taken away from them. I think that they are also exibiting a childhood where perhaps there mother's did not show them very much effection and we represent them now as a child seeking affection and attention. There are many possible reasons but I think what we are feeling the pain of a deeper hurt that is not something we've caused but that was done in their childhood. I have never experienced this type of man in my life EVER. It is very foriegn for me not to have a man who is not all over me with love and affection regardless of what I said we would always come together and talk about the situation and show our emotional feelings for one another. THIS RELATIONSHIP HURTS SO MUCH. I feel emotionaly abused, can someone help me or share thier thoughts on this story?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE! I'd been married to my husband for 14 months and I found I had had enough. He would swear at me, put me down, insult...my self esteem had hit rock bottom! That's not what a marriage should be...it should be companionship, love and affection...you should feel like a team....u shouldnt feel inferior. I left my husband and it was really hard but looking back over the last 5 weeks since I left...I can honestly say there hasnt been a moment where I regretted leaving him...on top of all of this, i think hes gay, hes told me a few times and he doesnt kiss me or explore my body...our sex life as been dead since we've been together...there is something wrong with these guys...NOT US!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): If there is anything I’ve learned over the years about being in relationships, it is to always, always hold on to self love…not the self love of being egotistical or self centered or being above others, but a deep, unconditional feeling of warmth toward self.
The fact is, and I’ve learned this over and over, love from another is completely unpredictable and out of our hands.
After 17 years of being together, 10 years of marriage, my relationship has hit a period where she isn’t happy and doesn’t feel love towards me. Our communication is strained, she is often critical of me, and when I try to gently touch her, she recoils and has a look of disgust on her face. And this makes it hard for me to feel love towards her. I try to hold on to the love by remembering the times when we were so in synch, so connected, and the sex was frequent and very hot. But the more time that passes, the more that seems like some distant memory, a hazy film of some past life. It’s not like the hard times started suddenly, based on any one thing, but it’s happened gradually over time. Small annoyances have become huge irritations. Poor choices due to lack of self knowledge and a clear direction when we were younger have become huge areas of friction now that we are middle aged.
The hardest part is that we’re not in a position to consider separating, because we have two young children and a business we own together. So, for me it would be a loss of wife, family and livelihood, which would be simply too much.
So, what I’m left with is holding on to self love. At times it doesn’t seem like much compared to the huge challenge of being in a loveless marriage, but without it, I would be completely lost. I hope this small piece of advice helps.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): it sounds as if your more alone in this relationship than you would be if you were on your own? if you broke up what would the first thing you would do, maybe call family? some freinds, you cant stay like this its to much pain, you are going to have to put your foot down and do what you feel in your heart, do you leave him or do you stay over there and feel alone. he knows how you feel but the most painful thing is that he wont show you what you are looking for and that is love, it also sounds as if he will never change ither, ( some people dont) unfortunatly but that dose not mean you have to suffer in silence. you can do it? its just having the strengh to do it. i do hope you will be ok, and i will be thinking of you as i know to well how the pain feels.
love Barbara
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2007): It sounds to me like your husband is intersted in someone else. I know that it is had to deal with. I am currently dealing with a simailar situation, and I am honestly even thinking that nay husband is bi-sexual. I am also ver lonely with 2 children, and sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning. I do, because I have 2 little ones, but I do know what you feel about the lonliness.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2007): I had almost same situation like yours, I feel lonely in my marriage, we married for 2 years, I find out he has been lied to me many times. We had many argures, now he torments me, he doesn't talk to me, he doesn't want to spend time with me at all....But I love him so much, i don't know how to get him back.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2007): I did not realize that so many people were going through this! I am at my wits end. If I say do you love me, he replies with a "you're alright." I don't doubt that he loves me, he just doesn't show me ANY affection except when we get in bed. I feel that if I stop expecting it in order to keep the peace, I will be giving up a very vital part of who I am.
Thanks,
Lonely in Long Beach
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2007): After 15 years of marriage and always feeling that my marriage is not a "normal" one but unable to confide in any of my friends or family who believe that I have got the marriage made in heaven, I finally decided to goggle my problem and was amazed that there are other women in the same situation as myself.I have spent the last Thirteen years feeling rejected, full of low self esteem and 2ce suicidal because of the way my loveless, emotionally imbalanced marriage made me feel.I went from a stunning looking Size 8 to an unkempt size 18.I have only recently found myself after going on a weight loss program and now back down to a size 10 and my self confidence and esteem restored.I used to think there was something wrong with me or I was not good enough and that was why I did not deserve my Husband's love or affection-what a load of Rubbish?I am now at a crossroad-Give my marriage all up and start over in life without allowing anyone to break me down like before or stay in my marriage for the sake of my young kids and see them through till the youngest is 16 and agree to an emotional and physical divorce with my husband till then even though we will still leave together as parents but not as husband and wife.I am desperately seeking advice-please help.Mrs X
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female
reader, dijili +, writes (30 July 2007):
I am too caught up in a difficult situation. I've been married for 2 and a half and have been dealing with the same sort of problems that you are having since the first year of marriage. I have tried everyway possible to lure my husband into our romatic life, but he is so dry and insensitive that he just brushes me off. We have sex maybe twice a month and affectionate gestures zero. I am too contemplating of an exit of this emotioanly unbalanced relationship, but I love him so much! The weird aspect of this is that we are young. I am 23 and my husband is 25. this sort of marital problems should not be happening in such an early start. I too would like a sencere and honest response. I feel for all the wives that have posted their relationship problems Good luck in your lives either independently or with husband. Take care
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female
reader, Rosary +, writes (10 July 2007):
 I have been married 17 years on July 11, 2007 and I share in all the replies that I have read this evening. I don't know how this "loneliness" came into my life but it did. Each year my husband and I have grown further apart and I have tried so hard to re-connect but to no avail. He has no interest in anything. I have even asked him if he loves me and his reply is,"I would not be here if I didn't". We now sleep apart and I don't remember the last time that I felt the warmth of a man's touch on my hand or heard sweet words whispered in my ear. I am sad.
I too have begun taking steps to become independent again. I can no longer live this way. I will surely die of loneliness living with this man. I never imagined that my life would turn out this way by marrying this man. I recognize that I must go beyond the fear of change and embrace a brand new life without him. It is truly frightening and difficult to re-create yourself in the business world when you have been a stay-at-home mom and wife for so many years. I need and deserve love and so do you. Thank you for reading my post and I wish you well. Rosary.
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female
reader, Satin Doll +, writes (8 June 2007):
Well, all I can say is that you can't change some one. I've waited 23 years to see a glimmer of joy in his eyes when he looks at me. To see and feel a desire in him to want to sit beside me on the couch, to hold my hand, to take an acutal interest in my life. I tried to give him the home he never had growing up. But, to no avail. We do have two tremendous kids, one graduated college this year and is off to Graduate School for Masters. The other is a Junior in college and is doing great. My husband does give me credit for being a good Mother. But our companionship is very sorry. We have very little conversation, he travels extensively on his job, when home, most of his time is spent outside. I have suffered much emotional abuse, with very little remorse from him or kindness, attention or love. I am praying for strength to find the woman in me which has been suppressed for so long just to keep everyone together. I want my grown kids to see me as a strong and successful woman. I am attempting to take well planned steps to become an independent woman again with hope and love in my heart. Please, do not wait for him to give you a crumb here and there, if your gut hurts, if you are humiliated by him, if you can't breathe, if you don't know who you are anymore. Take steps, pray and go with God.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2007): Try 17 years. It is time that I find my happiness. Affection, love, and conversation between couples is vital for the relationship to grow. I have stayed because of habit. This is a terrible habit that I must break now. Isn't better for the children to see each parent happy (although apart) than unhappy together? Thank you for your time.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2007): 7 months is a drop in the bucket.
Try 10 years.
My advice, find happiness, where you can! NOW!
My wife has no interest in me.
What am I to do, but stay in this "exsistance" for my kids.
They need a level headed adult to be around in their imediate lives, to get them to where they need to be and support them in their activities.
That is the only reason I stay here.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2005): I know how you feel. There is a reason for this behavior for sure. You wouldn't be writing to this column if you did not care to find a way to make your marriage work. Couples therapy should help a lot. However, what your husband might be suffering from is depression or maybe even other medical problem. There might be something bothering him, that he is not willin to share with anyone and the will to have sex or to be affectionate with you is so hard for him to do. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Try to make him open up and start from another angle first. You might discover something you haven't even considered. This is just one of the reasons and of course there could be so many more like affair, he is not attracted to you anylonger for whatever reason, maybe you have money problems and that bother him etc. There is a reason. Some people are less affectionate than others but 7 months is a very long time - too long. If he simply doesn't care to show you affection, doesn't have the need to make love to you and things will not change, remember every woman has a love life she deserves to have - make things happen - make a choice. Don't argu through unexpressed emotions and hurt - that is deffinitely not the way. I wish you all the best.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (16 June 2005):
 You are not getting what you need and what you deserve from this relationship and I am assuming that the arguments you are having are because of this.
Your husband does need to explore why he is unable to be demonstrative with you. You can't possobly go on like this indefinitely.
I would suggest you both go for couples counselling to see if the marriage can be saved. I think if you both still want it to be saved then you have a very good chance at making it work for both of you. But you both have to want to make it work and you both have to be prepared to put the effort in.
You say that he says he is unhappy but has he elaborated on this? He needs to be able to explain exactly how he is feeling before you can get anywhere.
You both have to be honest with your feelings and then find ways to compromise and work things through.
Your relationship may not ever be the same again but it could even improve with the right guidance and exploration.
I would certainly suggest couples counselling to give you the support that you need.
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reader, lora +, writes (16 June 2005):
Do you honestly want your marriage to be saved?Think about the good and the bad involved in this marriage. You are not happy and at the end of the day isn't that the most important thing?If you want it to work talk to him about how you feel. He is being selfish. Then again, he is willing to go to a therapist to try to make it better. See what happens after he goes there and if you're still not happy there seems to be no other option than leve or maybe take a break and things might get better. You will know yourself what to do.
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