A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Me and my colleage have been in a relationship for about 6 months.We have been good friends for 3 yrs. we are both married, he has been married for 25 yrs and i have been married for 15 yrs. He claims his marriage has not been a happy one for about 15 yrs and that his wife treats him like a roommate. I care for my husband but "settled" for him at the time due to having his baby and financial reasons.I have finally found some one that enjoys to do the same things i do,treats me sweet, and makes me feel like i can be and do anything. he makes me want to do better and be better at everything.I can honestly say that he is someone that i can truely love in everyway, and look forward to having the chance to make him happy.i really love him and desire him.I told my husband about 4 months ago that i was in love with another man. he was devesatated of course,but he has been very supportive has much as he can.of course he hates the guy and does not want a divorce but wants me to be happy. we still live in the same household but as room mates until our house sells.My lover just told his wife about us. however i believe he was forced to tell her because she caught on that we were sneaking around to have lunches and dinner together. we have not have sex together and in fact really have not put ourselves in the situation that we would have complete privacy to do so, and we are both o.k. with that for now.however we have done a lot of making out and heavy petting. Anyways, once he confessed to his wife that he was seeing me she asked him if he was in love with me and he would not answer her and still has not. he said that she is devestated and not rational right now so we need to not see each other or call each other as much as we did before until things cool down.He said that at the moment he can not even discuss anything because she is so irrational.she said that she wants him to dump me and stay with her. he said that he can not dump me. we met for about an hour a few days after his confession to her. I told him that i wanted him but feared this day would come when he told me he was going to stay with his wife. He then told me that i was looking at the situation the wrong way and that it was just temporary. he started to cry a little and then i started to cry and he told me that he loved me.he said that he could not give me up. I have decided to not call him and let him call me when he is ready or has a chance because i know that they have a lot to talk about, but i love him and miss him every minute. even though we are starting off bad by us being married i can not help to believe that i finally found some that i chose to love with all of my heart and soul and i hope that he feels the same way. what decision do you think he is going to make based on his recent comments and our situation?
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female
reader, BELLODONNA  +, writes (25 March 2009):
I have been chatting on line with this man, who attended school with me. firstly, i have to say, we are both married. i really love this man. he has had me on a shoestring for months. telling me he is thinking of us having intercourse, i am the one that has been asking about it. he has said that it would be dangerous if we went on and did the deed. and we are in a dangerous place. so i asked him this week. is it ever going to ever get past the coffee stage as i cannot carry on feeling this way and not knowing what is happening between us. so he said whats more important to me? !. friendship or 2. sex, i of course said i never wanto lose him as a friend, but i do want more. he has said to me, he has too much respect for me to just do it. as he has gotten to know me very well. and that a deserve more. he said that maybe he was stupid, but he would rather we be friends for the meantime. i wanto know how to get him back as he is still chatting with me and we are having our coffee's together. how should i behave with him, and still keep him? as it is difficult for me to deal with now.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2009): The others have pretty much said what I'm about to...Fact is, you were able to just tell your husband, no matter how much it hurt, about the affair. He didn't tell his wife; he just got caught. You told your husband you were in love. He did not tell his wife the same about you. You started the proceedings to end your marriage. He has not. He's making excuses. Fact is, he may very well love you, but clearly not as much as you love him. When faced with his wife and the opportunity to get out of his marriage, he didn't take it.Personally, I say don't wait for him. Perhaps ending your marriage was what you needed to do, only you know this. You may need to simply take this whole thing as the excuse for doing what needed to be done (ending your marriage), call it a learning experience and move on. But I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for his next move.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou are right! I am turning into a bunny boiler.Thanks for the reality check.I will be strong. If it was meant to be, then it will happen for us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question I just got off the phone with my lover I was trying hard not to call him but had to call him for work related issues that know one else could handle at the time . I was trying to keep it business only and then he asked me how i was doing?
I told him that I was a mess.He said that seems to be going around this week!
I jokingly said, "Have you made a decision yet, it has been two days". he said no that he and his wife have not even spoken to each other and that he has not seen her much because he was helping his mother move.I replied, well i will give you a couple of weeks, then he said quickly "I gotta go now, i will be in touch."
I assume that his wife just walked into the office. I feel even worse than I did before. I do not want to hurt anymore. I do not know how to move on.
Im considering e-mailing him and telling him exactly how i love him and how bad I hurt but that I was going to let him go and not even give him the two weeks after all. i am pretty sure the he and his wife share the same e-mail and she may see it. i do not want to cause her anymore pain. but maybe it would be good for her to know that someone will love her husband if she does not, and also know that I am out of the picture. I am thinking that if it was meant to be he will find me when he is divorced. Is e-mailing him a bad idea if his wife might see it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your suggestions. Do you think it would be a good idea for him to seperate from the both of us for a few weeks, so that he can decide what "he" wants for himself? i was thinking this may be better for him to not have our input and tears so he could decide what he really wanted instead of making his decision based on guilt.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2009): OMG Stop now before the pain destroys you forever, read the story of Elizabeth on December 2nd " Married man used me for a playtoy" and others on her page and you will see where this ends everytime, affairs are never worth the pain I know I have been through similiar a number of years ago, I thought at the time I loved him and sex was great, now I look back none of the pain caused was worth it and I was not really in love just infactuated and took it to far, even the sex when I think back was just sex and I wish I had never have given myself to a man who turned out to be selfish and no more than a liar out for himself. walk away and build a good and TRUE life for yourself these things ussually end up based on fiction not facts.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2009): No - I'm sorry but when I read your post my heart sank. I've been in your situation and I'm afraid he's got cold feet. He's seen the effect the news has had on his wife and he's realised what he is throwing away and the bottom line is your relationship is not worth it to him. Sorry to be blunt I wish someone had been so with me as it took 10 years for me to wise up. Your lover would have used this opportunity to leave - indeed you have both now told your partners and clearly you have started the process to separate. He is lagging behind a lot and this sounds alarm bells. There is nothing temporary about a decision on his part. Right now he will be making her dinner and trying to do the right thing to make things better. That is what married men do. I feel for your breaking heart as I know so painfully how it feels but 5 years after finally giving my affair up I can say it was the most liberating thing and I am sad I wasted my life on someone that was not available and did not really want to be - even when an open door to leave became available. Give him two weeks of silence and your future will be clear. Don't fall back into the trap of him keeping his wife sweet ("she's having a nervous breakdown I can't leave her in this state")and still wanting to carry on seeing you secretly.
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