A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,So I'm in a very serious relationship, and we've both talked many times about how this is it for both of us. Yet, I'm starting to have doubts, and thinking that I don't really want to be with him anymore. Unfortunately, I get into this kind of thinking and it's more when things are going bad, not usually when I really don't want to stick around. Baggage from a past relationship... anyway.He's been in contact with his ex, and she's crazy and calls him/emails him/texts 20 times a day (not kidding, sometimes more). He says she has no one to talk to and that she wants closure (it's been 6 years since they broke up) and wants to ask him questions. Problem is, for the past 6 years, whenever he ignores her, she does this same thing, says the same stuff... until he answers her. Now, I tell him this, but he gets angry and says that I'm always so negative. Her daughter (3 yo) left voicemails on his phone also (as well as 12 from his ex) and he says she probably got the phone and called by mistake. I told him that since his ex sends pictures of her daughter and says she wants them to talk, it's probably a ploy because that always works on him. Basically, he's blind to this kind of 'eye opening' advice. He tells me he wants to be her friend and be there for her. Our therapist agrees (and I believe him) that he doesn't want a relationship with her, but just wants to be a friend. I don't understand why he'll fight so hard to talk about her and argue with me about whats really going on. He says I'm just bitter (because there was some lying going on way back, just because he's used to lying about talking to her with his other exes) I was open in the beginning but since he started lying, I'm suspicious of whats really going on. What should I do? He sometimes realizes that she's not good for him, but then goes back to defending her. How do I help him see that this girl is not worth it. (she's trashed his house, property damage, physical abused him...) It's really sad!
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (29 September 2011):
 Well... depends if the kid is his or not, if it is, then you may just have to accept that this is how he is and he probably won't change, (not necessarily a bad thing, but by the sounds of things... his behavior lately is not something you can see yourself tolerating long-term).
If the kid isn't his... not that I normally recommend ultimatums, but hell, this girl isn't going away without a crap load more drama, even if she isn't the manipulative mastermind whom you seem to describe. An ultimatum, "its me or her" honestly doesn't sound out of line here to me.
Why waste both your time?
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 September 2011):
 Honestly, I do think he some how feels sorry for her and that she is playing on that sympathy. But the fact that he can't let her go (as in change his # and tell her to go find someone else to talk to) would be a no-go for me. If the child is not his and she was as horrible as you mention, there is no real reason for him to stay in touch with her. The other no-go is that he calls you bitter because you don't think it's healthy for the relationship.
But with that said, I don't think it's healthy for a partner in a relationship to try and dictate who the other one can talk to and whom they can't. There has to be enough trust for them to talk to whomever is important to their life.
You have to figure out if he is worth the drama his ex bring into your relationship or not.
It does seem to me that he is staying in touch with her to assert his "right" to pick whom he can talk to. Which, is silly.
Have you guys asked the therapist why he needs to be in touch with her? What good it does for him, you, the relationship?
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