A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My insecurities are killing my relationship. Ive never been jealous or insecure before, have always been popular, felt sexy and attractive, having a laugh. I never worried about men cheating on me before but have been with my boyfriend 2 years and for the past 6 months, Ive constantly been making digs at him about cheating on me. He has never given me cause for concern, everyone who knows him have told me he is the most genuine and loyal man I could ever wish to meet yet I cant stop making the sly digs. Im always accusing him of going with other women, bringing up times when he spoke, only spoke, to women in the past and accusing him of kissing them when I wasnt looking. Ive created scenes in public and caused rows by badgering him to talk about his ex wife and then kicking off when he does. I want to stop. I hate this side of me and hate causing him grief but nothing I do works. I create trouble, we row, I cry and then apologise and npromise never to do it again. We rarely go by a week without me making my usual sarcastic dig at him. I know he is at the end of his tether though he says he isnt but we cant go on like this as its bringing both of us down. Ive said I will leave him if it doesnt stop as he doesnt deserve this but he just says he wants the happy go lucky girl he met to come back again as he loves being with me and doesnt want us to end. How can I control my comments???? Please help, im desperate.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2007): You claim that your insecurities have never bothered you in relationships, before. That you were always popular, sexy and self-assured, before. So what's different now, with this guy? Why have you lost your zest and positivity, your laughter, your sexiness? I think you just need to evaluate what is really, really going on. You are feeling unsafe for some reason. Have you ever been in a long term relationship like this, before? If not, then you may be unaccustomed to the hard work/efforts that goes into keeping a long term relationship, up and going well. Perhaps, some complacency and boredom has settled in a bit and you feel this is a 'death knell' on your relationship. As a result, it could also be you are over thinking his relationships with women in his past. If this guy is settled into this relationship and not as attentive as in the beginning, perhaps you are feeling threatened by that? There could a whole whack of reasons, but it comes down to something different that's happening in your relationship that is making you feel fearful. Can you peg it down? Is he complimenting you enough? Is he making you feel special? Is he talking about his past loves a lot? Your insecurities could be a direct result of how he's treating you or maybe not. Just something to think about.
But, it sounds to me that you are very much in love with him and you deeply,deeply.. fear losing him. You are living with self-doubt/fears. I always say the one reason so many people suffer with insecurities in relationships, is a direct result of allowing these useless fears take over and grip them. I think we all do it to varying degrees and it's only human. So what can you do? I suggest you get your old self back. Sit back and remember how good life was back then for you and apply all that love, laughter and fun into your relationship. Be very, very strong and choose between "fear and freedom". It will take a total change of perspective and attitude, that will allow you the freedom to move forward, in a happy, secure way. I want to say, true love is tough to find for many of us. You both are so fortunate to have found each other. Now you have to learn how to truly love him without fear, the way he deserves to be loved. You can begin this change, by pretending that you are that sexy, vibrant woman again..bring her back and hang onto her. What you are going to find out is that what starts out as pretending will become real. But you have to believe in you and how worthy you are. This is where self-love comes into play...a key ingredient in all healthy relationships. I say that you can create love every day by acting in a loving way and not worrying whether you feel loved. So as the saying goes, "act the part and you shall become the part." You need to get your self-confidence back and when it does, your relationship will flourish.
However, if over time, if this is not successful, consider re-evaluating this relationship. Or get into some couple counseling to find out the deep rooted cause of your insecurities and fears. Because over time, it will kill your relationship and I think you need some clarity and support from someone who is trained to deal with these issues. I wish you well hun, in dealing with this. It's not a fun place to be but the only one who can rid yourself of these fears...is you. It takes hard work and a remarkable change in your worldview. Take care and good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2007): I think you think that this is the one, but if your not carefull you will push him away by these insecurities, it is obvious you love him very much and enjoy being with him to, everyone gets jealous,(even men) but some people hide it better, you just have to learn to diguise it better, and remember if you love him dont beat him up until you know he has been unfaithfull, go and him him a huge hug and forget about it lifes to short!
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