A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Please help me. Im asian, my husband is german, we came from diffirent culture, id adjust to much to his culture. My husband is a cancer patient. We just find it out two months ago. He is normally loud and aggressive before but its more so worst this time. Im doing everything for him and im willing to take care of him always. My problem is, im getting too much stress on him. Driving back and fort to hospital, doing his injection two times a day, look after his medications, creaming his arm, etc. But that things is really not a problem for me, what makes me stress is his shouting at me, so loud so aggressive. My god i could really cry. Just only one month dealing with this, i got problem in my stomach and liver. I feel so nervous, shaking everytime his awake, im so scared. I dont know anymore what to do. Im trying to explain to him, im getting already nervous because of his shouting at me. Im scared that if my stomach and ggt dont go down and if got also sick i cant help him anymore. I want to take care of him, but im so so scared that i couldnt handle his behaviour. He never listen and dont even understand why im trying to please him not to be loud at me. He still thinking its only my thinking that i get nerve because of him. My god im so so much scared. I can feel that inside of my stomach is already trembling. Please anybody give me some advice. I dont want to leave my husband, i wanna take care of him. But i dont know what to do when he is so loud and so much aggressive. All the time he speak theres always bad words connecting to all his sentence and im so so scared and too much stress., i dont really know how am i gonna deal with him.. Im so scared.... Please help.. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2014): It doesn't matter if he has nobody else to depend on.
You did not make him sick.
You did not bully him.
You did not leave him.
You did not make him shout at you.
HE is a bully.
HE probably chased everyone else away with his nastiness.
HE needs help and he should be respectful to you so you can take care of yourself and him.
Write down what I put in speech marks, rehearse it, keep it with you and, the next time he starts shouting at you, read it to him:
"If you continue to shout and scream at me, I will leave you."
"You can not treat me like a slave because I am your wife and your equal."
"Should you choose to continue being verbally abusive, I shall have to contact someone to take you into someone else's care because I shall not continue accepting your aggressiveness."
"I hate that you're ill, but it is not my fault and I do not deserve such horrible treatment when I am trying to help you get better."
"You are causing me pain and stress when I am helping you every time you need me."
"If your attitude does not change, your carer and marital status will."
Then you stick to it. If he continues to be abusive, hire someone to help him using HIS credit card, then divorce him because you CAN leave him if he carries on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2014): Hi, im the one who wrote the post. I dont know how to reply privately. I just wanna say thank you so much for your advice. That help so much specially in my emotion. I cant leave my husband that easily, because he have really no body to depend on. Im suffering with his behaviour so much but yes i will think the option you guys did advice. Thank you, Thank you so much to all of you and to dearcupid too.. Its really very much appriciated..
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2014): Making no excuses for his abuse, your husband is also very very scared.
Too long you have stood by him even through his shouting and verbal-abuse. Now he really needs you. I will try and give you comfort.
First, you are a loving and care-giving person. You are loyal and you have an enormous heart. Your powerful sense of compassion and ability to put others first; has made you a martyr in your own home. You must no longer allow the shouting.
You must take control. What angers him, is he now realizes his own mortality; and you are now the stronger person. He is at your mercy. This is his karma for all his cruelty over the years.
That sweet little lady who cowers to your shouting is the very lady who cleans your filthy sheets, makes your food,
gives you your medicine, and soothes your pain. She watches you as you sleep, and sees to your needs. The only strength he has left is to shout. It's out of shame. He is miserable and paying his debt for his cruelty.
God will bless you, and you will find your peace. Here is what you must do. When he screams or shouts. Tell him, you will return only when he calms down. Not one minute sooner.
Put on your coat, tell him his shouting has upset you and you will return to help him when you feel better. Continue to speak while he's shouting. Leave. Close the door loud enough for him to hear it. Take a walk, a drive. Clear you weary little head. You're not his servant or slave. You are his wife. His equal. Right now, his lifeline. Don't let his shouting drown you own. Don't even shout above him, just speak in a calm and normal tone.
Care for yourself. Leave him in his room to shout and scream alone like a child throwing a tantrum. Every-time he does, tell him you're giving him a "time-out." Leave the room. Don't return until he is completely quiet. Bring him cold water, or tea. This has soothing-effect. Play soft music to calm you. Beautiful Asian music that soothes you.
Plant yourself a beautiful serenity garden; so you have a retreat to meditate and relax. If if all you have is a little patio or balcony. Create yourself a place to retreat from his caustic temper. go out with a friend, buy yourself a new dress.
Sit down and write him a letter. In that letter, say all the things you have never had the courage to say to him.
Tell him the shouting scares you and makes you feel ill.
Tell him he is cruel and a very nasty person. Tell him in spite of all the ugly things that he is. You are his loving and faithful wife. Tell him he does not deserve you. He does not realize what a blessing you are. He is now weak, and you are the stronger person. If he doesn't shut up, you will find him a nurse, leave, and never come back.
Read that letter to him aloud. While he is shouting at you. Don't stop, just continue reading it. Word for word.
Gather all the strength and courage you can. There was a time when David had to stand up to Goliath, and he triumphed. You have been bullied for far too long.
You would be better off to leave; but not without giving him a piece of your mind. You need that. You've got it all bottled up inside you. He has conditioned you to fear his anger. You need to stand up to it. That will start your own healing.
You must not feel guilt; if you must leave this abusive situation. You will not change him over-night; but you will change yourself.
You will realize that you are a very strong person, to have been able to endure such intimidation. Yet still love him. Your culture has taught you to be a very faithful spouse; and he has abused that wonderful quality that you possess.
He has used his size, aggression, and cruelty to break you down, and keep you submissive.
Take control of your home. He is flat on his back; and he's all bark and no bite. In his own way, he is struggling and trying to appear strong. He is a terrified child. He should continue fighting the cancer. NOT YOU!!! Enough is enough!
Put your foot down. Your parents raised you to be strong, intelligent, and with poise. Not to be pushed around by some monster, and treated worse than a servant. He is a "narcissist." I want you to go online, and look that up.
Read about people like that. They're horrible.
Never take abuse from him again. He is slowly killing you; while you're nursing him back to health. Never remain in the room to hear his shouting. Leave the house if you must.
Take time off. Find him a male-nurse, not a female-nurse. He's too much of a bully. He needs another man who can deal with his aggressive-nature. Social services may provide a visiting-nurse; if you can't afford one.
Take a trip back home and visit with your family. Regain your strength, re-energize, and heal. Leave him to face his illness without you. Let him realize you have a choice. You don't have to be by his side. You can be anywhere you want to be. You are not his prisoner. Also look up "Stockholm Syndrome." You seem to suffer willingly at his mercy.
You now have the upper-hand and he knows it. He intimidates you all the more; because he is afraid you will abandon him and he can't stop you. Nothing scares him more than having to face this without you. Watching you able to walk about, and he doesn't have the strength.
Who is caring for who now?
Let him spend more time alone; if he continues to torture you with his vicious temper. You could just as easily put him in a nursing-home, and live out your life in peace and quiet. Seriously consider that option.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2014): Can you afford to hire someone to help with him?
I think he needs counselling because you don't deserve this treatment from him. He needs to learn that you are trying to help him get better, but him being nasty isn't fair to you.
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