A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my husband has no interest in sex at all and i want it,he says he doesnt no why he isnt interested but im getting fed up and its spoiling our marraigewhat shall we do Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Troob +, writes (13 July 2008):
Its peculiar in that for most of my life I was, and still believe myself to be, what is referred to as a red-blooded male. I loved and enjoyed sex, and felt I had learned how to be reasonably good at it. There was never any problem whatsoever in any area. I had no particular fetishes, nor any particular turn offs. If both parties enjoyed it, that was fine.
However, about 18 months or so ago I simply no longer felt the urge anymore. It wasn't just the fact I no longer seem to have spontaneous erections, but also that the imagery that flashes through one's mind is no longer there. A nightmarish scenario being if I took viagra, got a huge erection, but then still didn't feel much like having sex!
My wife seems to think I have gone off her - but I haven't. I love her, I think she is good looking and sexy, but nothing seems to work. This is so even if a young, 18 year old siren writhed in front of me - it's as if something inside me has switched off.
I took it in my stride, but recently it has got problematic. On the last couple of occasions I have attempted lovemaking with my wife, my erection lasts about 3 minutes, with the resulting fall out. I am a fit 54 year old, who goes to the gym. But I wonder if my wife and I have the time for each other that we had years ago before the demands of life had us so busy.
I feel that I could perhaps respond better if we did what we used to, years ago, and have time to ourselves to enjoy each others company, hugs, caresses, slow anticipation etc. She has a business and is an active member of a club in which she lends her services. We have kids aged 20, 16 and 11, and their demands now are no longer the same as when they were crawling around the rug playing with "My little Pony" or whatever. They can't seem to do anything for themselves at all, and we are constantly catering for them.
I'm not entirely sure which way to go, actually, but certainly if my wife suddenly appeared in the doorway semi naked, or with sexy underwear on, it has become so out of character that I doubt it would produce the desired effect. I don't think that is the answer just now - perhaps once I've rediscovered whatever it is I have lost, then it may be.
I think it is more of a kind of stress caused by her work, and my work, and us constantly attending to the demands of others that has ended up in this situation. My wife is 17 years younger than me, and is very attractive. I tend to see her more these days as a business woman, or kind of figure of authority, and have sort of succumbed to that, perhaps.
She actually asked me if it would help if we watched some porn together. Well, the prospect of us sat together in front of a heaving screen I found amusing, but appreciated her concern, and the fact she was prepared to do this. The thing is, I don't believe watching porn would assist me. I haven't gone off sex, I am just not responding to it.
I feel the answer is in slowing down our lifestyle, and putting more time in with each other, rather than being at everyone's beck and call. Sort of like when we were courting. I think the answer is in there. Having said that, perhaps this is a male menopausal episode and is a physical sign of aging - but why the lack of interest mentally, or is this part of it too?
Not so much an answer, really, but more the view point from a male.
A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx +, writes (12 April 2007):
 You need to talk to himand get this sorted. It's 2007, it's not just men who need sex! Making love is a important and special part of most relationships and marriages and, if you want it, then you have to sort this out and fact!
You need to find out why he doesn't want it. My experience has been that, when men are uninterested, nothing you wear/say/do etc will help, it's something inside them that is making themselves become distant from affection. You need to find out what this is.
It could just be some minor stress or something on his mind, or it could be more. Whatever it is, you need to know so you can start to work through it together. I can understand how you feel: it makes you feel rejected and unwanted and like there's nothing physical left in the relationship.
It's going to take hard work on both your parts to sort this: he's going to have to open up to you and let you know how he's feeling and you're going to have to be prepared to take whatever comes with that. I'm sure you can work through this with the right communication and maybe seek some counselling together or apart if needs be.
I can only hope he is willing to try and sort this but, if he is not, I think you know that this cannot work. Good luck, give it time, I think things will work out.
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A
female
reader, PoSiOnKiSS +, writes (12 April 2007):
 dress up sexy for him, give it all a bit of spice, grab his attention with some hot new sexy underwear! ask him what you can do to turn him on. but if that doesnt work then id have a serious talk with him and tell him its ruining your marriage and you cant go on with no sex.
hope this helps x
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