A
female
age
36-40,
*uscle and Sinew
writes:It's been almost a year, since I lost my baby. I kept it from my husband because we had so many problems with his mom. His step dad tried to kill himself because his mom cheated on him with a younger man. Loosing the baby has been the hardest especially when you have no one to comfort you. I love my husband, but after telling him that I had a miscarriage because I was depressed with the things his mother would tell me, it did not bother him. What do I do?
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female
reader, Muscle and Sinew +, writes (10 January 2012):
Muscle and Sinew is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks kirra07, i wanted to tell my husband... there was so many things going on at the time... we found his father half dead, and had to rush him in the hospital because he tried to committe suicide because his mother was cheating on his step dad with a 29 year old. so we stayed in the hospital for 3 days... plus we had to watch him after that. so it was one thing after another... i didnt want to keep it from him, its just that everytime i tried to tell him, there was always problems with his family that he always tried to clean up their mess. Now that i am three months pregnant, he has really realized how hard it was for me to deal with this alone. i really didnt have a husband. i rarely saw him because he was doing things for his family... which i felt that they needed to deal with on their own.
Now that i am pregnant, i have learned to stay away from his family, because his mother is very unstable, and do not want to risk her doing anything to me and my baby.
A
female
reader, Muscle and Sinew +, writes (5 September 2010):
Muscle and Sinew is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't tell my husband because there was a lot of things going on and I felt like there was much on his plate, having to find his father on the floor half alive. I didn't know I was pregnant, I lost the baby because I started taking antidepressants, because of his mom. She would tell me hurtful things, which made my self esteem die. I felt ugly I felt like there was no point in living. And I know I can't blame my mother i'n law, but if my husband stood up for me, I wouldn't have been depressesd, and I wouldve had our baby. His mother told me that I was to blame because I couldn't get over things. And my husband said nothing to her. So I feel like it's still my fault. She even said I am a burden to him because I have tumors i'n my breast and that I had epilepsy. She even said *uck your children. I dnt need them. I'm at my very bottom. I dnt know how to get back to normal, I feel alone. There was never a good time for me to tell my husband because he was caught up i'n his moms problems.
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (5 September 2010):
I'm going to try to give some advice from a guy's viewpoint (although I'm not a guy, so we'll see how well that turns out). If he didn't know that you were pregnant, let alone that you miscarried, and didn't find any of this out until a year later, it would be hard for this news to really affect him (other than possibly be unhappy that you didn't tell him). I'm not sure if you want him to feel loss and sadness the way you do, but if he hadn't been expecting to be a father, it's unlikely he can feel it.
Added onto that, if he didn't want a baby at the time, it's even more unlikely he will feel much loss. I recently got pregnant and had an abortion, because we weren't at the point in our lives that we should have a baby. I felt lost and guilty and sad and regret. I felt like I loved it, even though it was barely more than a few cells. My partner on the other hand, I can tell, didn't feel quite the same way. He was supportive and a little sad, but just didn't view it the same way. He was more logical, and felt that we made the right choice and now we can move on.
I think women are just emotionally built to nurture our children, and the minute there is life in us, it's a baby. I don't think it hits most men until it starts to show, or even until the baby pops out. Added onto that, pregnancy alters our hormonal balance, and that likely makes us feel even worse when we lose the baby. Guys just don't experience that. I'm sure there are some really sensitive guys out there that would be crushed if they lost a baby, even if the baby was not planned, but for the most part, guys don't respond the same way we do.
I understand your pain, just don't be too quick to condemn your partner for not feeling the way you do. It's pretty normal. If you feel the need to cry and be comforted though, you should go to him, and even if he doesn't quite understand it, he should be there for you.
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